That Feeling

I always feel this slight sense of embarassment at being happy while someone else has just suffered a harsh disappointment. It's like the love version of survivor guilt; it leads one to ask question like why do bad things happen to good people, when people who have so made so many mistakes (me) still manage to stumble onto the right thing? I have no answer.

Still, amid it all, what comes back to me is the last line of one of my favorite books, "The Oracle Glass", which I've read more times than I can count: "But inside, my heart was singing He's waiting for you, and my mind was fixed on the remembrance of his dark eyes".

Reading

Such a great number of books on my reading list this summer, and I really want to get through them all, as it's hit me recently during a reorganization of books how many of my books I've never had a chance to read. Right now I'm reading Alexandre Dumas' Three Musketeers, which I was honestly surprised to find as entertaining as it is. Somehow I didn't imagine that a two-hundred-year-old swashbuckler romance (in the genre term, not the Danielle Steele) could really captivate me as much as a modern novel, but it totally does. I find myself reading for a couple of hours without realizing it, when usually with older classics it's enjoyable more on an intellectual level....luckily, The Three Musketeers was written for the masses, and this mass is loving it. Thank heaven my "at-work" reading book is a history book about the 17th century, because otherwise I wouldn't have remembered the historical background of the novel, beyond the infamous Richelieu--specifically, the siege of the Huguenot fortified city of La Rochelle, which plays a huge role in the book. The history book, also surprisingly, is really good. It covered the Enlightenment, the Counter Reformation, the rise of absolutism in France and constitutionalism in England, etc etc. Stuff that I should have a more concrete knowledge of, anyway.

Anyway, here's my reading list as it stands...suggest good books, if you know any. Always room for one more.

Bullfinch's Mythology
Age of Power
The Fencing Master
Artemisia
Merchant of Venice
Julius Caesar
3 Musketeers
Dinosaur in a Haystack
Paradise Lost
Man the MythMaker
Eichmann in Jerusalem
No Exit
Harry Potter 6 :-)

Happy

Ingredients of a great, lazy weekend: italian ice, warm weather, homemade food and being fed strawberries in bed. mmmm.

Thinking

Spring semester has been on my mind a lot recently. Basically, because my job pays so well I'm in a position now where I could conceivably go study abroad in Italy. My scholarship would reimburse me for the plane fare and will cover most of the tuition, and I'd have the bank account money, probably all my own without having to go into the school fund account I have. But now I'm questioning whether I'll still go or not, for a lot of reasons. One thing I've noticed is that now that I actually have money, I'm not keen on separating myself from it. I'm not sure I want to save save save this summer and fall and then spend it all in the spring.

Secondly, there's the Fulbright thing. If I work hard and come up with an amazing project, I could be on my way abroad after graduation anyway. Staying here spring semester would give me a lot more time to work on it, and Dr. Gogol said that spring/summer of your junior year is the optimum time to work on it, as everything has to be submitted by October of senior year. Then there's the fact that I have to balance two majors, one minor, and one or more possible internships. When I talked to the English internship guy, he said that he thought it would be best to do an internship spring semester of junior year and spring of senior year as well. Fall is apparently not as key.

Then there's the Sean factor; yes, I know some of you are probably groaning right now thinking that he shouldn't be a consideration, but of course he is. We had already started making plans to go on a trip to Italy together since neither of us could really afford to study abroad. In that case I could still have my scholarship pay for plane fare and my hotel bill because I would be going for an educational/cultural experience, so it'd definitely be cost-effective! Plus, in a lot of ways, a two week vacation with him sounds better than four months in Italy without him.

So there are all these factors jumbled together. I could spend all of my money on four months in Italy with Carla and Meredith, which would admittedly be a lot of fun, or I could stay at Fairfield, work on academic-y things, be with Sean, and go to Italy on spring break. Oh yeah, and have money. I'll be honest; I'm really leaning toward not going. Yes, Carla will have a fit when she finds out. At least this time I'll be making the free decision not to go instead of being forced into by the simple fact of not having the money.

Ah, big thoughts, which must end because I have to get dressed to meet the girls at Starbucks. Our last night with Rae, what sadness!