Am I the only person disturbed by those who use their cellphones in bathroom stalls? unless there's some kind of miraculously wonderful reception in there, which i doubt, turn them OFF for five seconds! Ewwww!!

Weeeeeeeell. Very interesting. I just came back from the psychic fair at the Oak Room, where i had my palm read, tarot cards cast, and a numerology profile done. i guess i'm not sure how i feel about this. in terms of tarot cards i know it's a load of bull--it's entirely by chance what cards are cast, and they can change each time. palm reading i'm a little more inclined towards, but after the very nice guy told me and lauren and andrew that we all had a very rare line indicating fabulous wealth, i have my doubts. he did say some intriguing things, though. he said i will have two hugely important romantic relationships in my life, which might even be the same person with a split in the middle, and that i've already had one big one, but it wasn't as important as the future ones will be. hmmm....would that be greg? methinks so. he also said in regards to my health that when i'm around fifty i'll have one major health issue, but i'll recover completely. maybe i'll be like my dad and have a heart attack at fifty, who knows? the tarot woman was crap. she kept changing things when i didn't agree. she told me i was infatuated with someone; i said no, that i'd just broken up, and she said then i must still be into him. andrew was actually right there, but i still said no, i definitely wasn't interested in that way anymore. she didn't look like she believed me. later she said i hated my roommate, then switched to "oh you'll be friends forever" when i said i loved her! the last one was the numerology guy here. i tricked him, i think, when i asked about my relationship with men, specifically my dad. he told me that men find me very independent and intimidating, and hard to approach, and that i'm difficult to read in terms of my emotions. he also told me that my father would prefer me to remain his little girl, so i should hug him more often. HMMMMMM. i refrained from informing him that that would be a little difficult. however, this guy also told me that i'm creative and a leader, that i'm a packrat, and that i was slothful in a past life! lol. he told lauren that she was evil--he compared her to hitler. and dahts thinks she has no soul, no faith and no trust in others, after her encounter with a psychic tonight. in conclusion, this is basically a bunch of bull. yes, i read my horoscope, and i marvel when it connects to my life, but i don't believe that i'm ruled by planetary bodies. puhhhh-lease.

This is amazing--I have just experienced a sighting of the famously invisible President of Fairfield Uuniversity, Fr. Aloysius P. Kelly! It's almost ironic that i've worked in this building for almost two months, right next to his office, and yet i've never seen the man. lol. he's resigning after this year though. i guess 25 years of being president is enough. hmmm, i wonder if the next jesuit will be a little more visible? :-)

this is a little odd. i wrote a response for english class to brian torff's performance/lecture, and since he talked about his his art helped him through the death of his father when he was 15, i wrote about how writing helped me through the same thing. then in the margin next to that, my teacher wrote "oh no!" lol. it was so strange. but she also said that i'm a born writer and that she wants to read more of my poetry! yipee. i really like her, despite that little thing.

I see that melissa made me a new away message of her own devising. lol. that was nice of her. that girl is just so darned sweet, she even made my bed nd wendy's bed before she left! melly you rock my metaphorical socks, as we say here at FU. i was so excited, i got be briefly be spoiled this morning and drive melissa's car to work so i didn't have to walk to bellarmine in the rain. yeah i felt cool, i was listening to phantom and having a car that can actually maneuver, for all of five minutes. :-) i'm back at work now, actually, for the afternoon, and i've got my favorite assignment--sitting at the front desk and doing jack shit online and getting paid to do so. i must say that i love this house. not so much the upstairs admissions part, because they entirely remodeled it to be like any other office, but in the main foyer and the great hall and here in what i guess counts as the living room, it's so elegant. the front desk is in a corner of the living room, right next tothese heavy wooden doors that open onto the back stone patio. the door opens with a skeleton key! there's darkwood paneling on the lower walls and white plaster on the upper, carved wooden ceiling panels and flagstone floor. the lights are all chandeliers and torchieres in the wall. it's just such a difference from the rest of campus, which is all so very modern. well, then there's me admist all this finery, clacking away on my ultra-modern contraption. ah anachronicity! (is that even a word?)

last night mel and i were supposed to see pirates, but we were misinformed as to the time, so we wound up seeing texas chainsaw massacre instead. i guess i wasted nine dollars because i was too terrified to watch most of it. i can't wait to see elf when it comes out, and also lost in translation.

school is going really well. i can't believe i'm already registering for classes next week. the registration process is really confusing, lottery numbers and whatnot, but i get to sneak in early because of my scholarship. whoot. i'm staying with dr. bridgford and my english seminar, plus i'm taking spanish composition (sadly not with profesora knight), art history: visual culture since 1400 with professor escobar (really HOT but sadly gay, dahts tells me), calculus with wendy's professor and NOT my crazy one, and then either religious studies or HI30, which i think is western civ. everyone should go to "ratemyprofessor.com". it is so damned helpful!!

I LOVE MELISSA!!!

yeah, she's here right now, in the bed that flanny and i once shared. i'm sorry heather. i just couldn't resist. you know how sexy the melly is. and now off to some wild night-time activities! mrow!!

Rae had this on her blog Hot Chocolate a few days ago, and I just had to steal it *love you rae*

Let us pray to the God who holds us in the
hallow of His hands, to the God, who holds us
in the curve of Her arms,
To the God whose flesh is the flesh of hills and
hummingbirds and angleworms,
Whose skin is the color of an old Black woman
and a young white man; and the color of the
leopard and the grizzley bear and the green grass snake,
Whose hair is like the aurora borealis, rainbows,
waterfalls, and a spider's web,
Whose eyes sometimes shine like the Evening Star,
and then like fireflies,
and then again like an open wounds,
Whose touch is both the touch of life and the
touch of death,
and whose name is everyone's, but mostly mine.

-Max Coots

wouldn't that be an awesome collage? --->from the rachel

I just love that, especially the last line.

It's raining, it's pouring, I wish I were snoring...Last night, or rather early this morning, i had a really scary dream. Jen and I were arguing about something, and there was this feeling of badness in the air, and then we were attracted by something to a large picture window. Suddenly there was a huge explosion, and we saw a giant red-orange mushroom cloud balloon up, fairly far away from us. we seemed to be at a slightly higher elevation. we were terrified, and to make matters worse our parents were out doing something, and we didn't know if they were still alive (this is one of those dreams i have where i'm a little younger, my dad is almost always in them). then it flashed to my mom and dad arriving back, telling us to pack quickly, we needed to flee to another country or we'd die in the radiation. The rest of the dream was one of those where I'm being forced to pack extremely quickly, grabbing clothes and things i love and trying to decide what i can take and what i can't, all in the blink of an eye. It was awful, and there was this sense of desperation, like we weren't going to make it....thankfully wendy came home at like ten of eight and woke me up. phew.

got my philosophy test back, with an A-. Somehow Dahts got a much lower grade, which makes no sense because we answered our study guides in the same way, quizzed each other, and looked at a test someone had taken last year. plus there was a huge curve. i don't know what happened, i'm wondering if maybe the prof forgot to curve hers. i got a 36 out of 50 pts, so does that make it a 50 pt curve? i'm not sure. also, crazy math prof story of the day: got our derivatives quiz back with a B-. Now this quiz took me all of twenty minutes because derivatives are something i can do in my sleep, even though we had to do it the long way. I knew something was wrong. so i go up to ask him about how he does his point system, and in the process of explaining why i was wrong it suddenly occurs to him that ohhhh, i was factoring a cube there, and yeah, you can do it that way, and gee that grade should be an A! that senile old fuck. if i hadn't asked a question, if i'd just grumbled and left like the others and been depressed all day, i'd still have a B-. that man SHOULD NOT BE TEACHING. i'm going to see the math chair asap.

I never posted about my actual Met experience, which was amazing as always. This time felt like the most fruitful of the three or four times I’ve been. Probably because I feel like not only have I matured in recent times, but this time I was on my own, not with friends or family or a tour group, just being able to drink everything in and actually appreciate it, really appreciate it. I had so much fun, more than I was honestly expecting. I thought I would be lonely since I didn’t know anyone and the Met is so crowded. We actually arrived at 10:30, a bit earlier than expected, and things were quite empty for a little while. I went through the El Greco special exhibit with barely anyone around, entire rooms to myself, and then when I went back through half an hour later to take another look at one of the paintings and buy a print, there were hordes. That exhibit was the first I saw, and it was breathtaking. If you think of the old masters as men who painted on a limited palette, with the same dull reds and blues and earthy tones, you must see El Greco’s work. Some of those paintings I swear look like they were done in Technicolor. I was completely floored—I had no idea that any of the old great painters had worked in such vibrant colors. His “Last Judgment” was amazing not only because of the beauty of the people and angels and the scariness of the damned souls, but because of the bright reds and greens and orange and blues. Then he had paintings that were more in the style of his time, equally wonderful in technique but less striking in hue. I understand how El Greco wasn’t well-liked by his contemporaries when he tried that sort of thing. My personal favorite, the one I bought the print for, is his “View of Toledo”. He lived in Toledo for sixteen years, painting religious art for the monks there. The caption said that the painting was not topographically accurate (he added a church and monastery not visible from the point where he was painting) but sought to capture the “emotion” of the landscape itself. And he did. When I walked into the room where this painting hung, the last in the exhibit, a huge smile hit my face. There was no one else there, just me and this gorgeous piece of art that truly conveyed how majestic and serene and old Toledo seems to the viewer. The dark clouds rolling in across the mountains and the sweeping brushstrokes that make it look like that grass on the hillsides is actually moving in the breeze is just downright sexy. I never thought I would say that about a painting, but it was true. I had to take it home with me. I just felt this huge connection to this long-dead man, who was as enchanted by the Roman bridge that leads into the city as I was, taking a picture of it four hundred years later. Says something about those Romans, doesn’t it?
Enough about El Greco. There was so much more to see! I had to visit the arms and armaments, of course, always a favorite of mine. I love how much smaller men were in those days. Some of the little rooms reassembled from foreign castles and palaces have such low doorways, such small chairs. I told my mom she’d have been right at home, and I’d have been a giantess. I visited the VanGoghs, and I’m beginning to favor his “Irises” over the cypress trees, I think. I saw my “Pygmalion and Galatea”, and a cast of the cupid and psyche that I saw in the louvre. One of the most fascinating parts of the day was wandering through the ancient art, greek, roman, Egyptian, Mesopotamian. Instead of being largely ignorant of the socio-political context of these artworks, or of the styles they used or the meanings they held, this was stuff we’d already studied in class. I saw so many objects that are pictured in our art history textbook, and let me tell you, pictures do absolutely no justice. I felt so much more involved in it than when I wandered through those wings before on previous trips. Take the Temple of Dendur, the Egyptian temple reassembled in its entirety in the basement of the Met. Now I know that that temple was built near Aswan, in honor of a youth who drowned in the Nile, and was itself almost drowned in Lake Nasser when the Aswan dam was built. Only a quick effort through UNICEF saved that, along with the funerary temple of Rames II, with the fabulous eighty-feet statues of him in front, which were actually taken apart and airlifted to high ground. Ok, I could have read the plaques in the Met about this, but I knew it going in, and that made a difference to me. I saw the lamassu of Nimrud, stone guardians that had the body of a lion, the head of a man and the wings of a bird. Impressive in the book, but small. In life, sixteen feet high and intimidating as all hell. I saw the hippopotamus with the faience glaze, a brilliant blue after four millennia, I saw the fragment of a bust of Queen Tiy, mother-in-law of Akenaten, a guy who briefly turned all Egypt on its head. Only the mouth remained, but this is the most sensuous, perfect mouth you have ever seen. It was the beginning of the aesthetic ideal of feminine beauty in Egyptian sculpture, and was continued in the bust of Nefertiti which sadly is in Cairo. We saw the famous New York kouros, which is a Greek celebration of the nude male form. What’s interesting is that you can tell that they were influenced by the Egyptians in the rigid stance, the clenched fist, the left foot forward. And most fun for me was seeing the lions from the Ishtar Gate of Babylon, fearsome looking lions carved in relief on brick and glazed with such beautiful paint that has lasted since 600 BCE. So much of what Mr. Kelly taught us freshman year has stayed with me—Plato’s allegory of the cave, the date of the Battle of Hastings, Zoroaster as the first monotheist (finally got my art professor to admit I was right on that one; technically the big Z has that honor and not Abraham)—and one of those things was the lions of Babylon. We had to choose an ancient artwork and do an essay on it, and I did the lions. I thought I did a pretty good job, but when I got it back I think I only got a B. I believe he said I only skimmed the surface. Seeing them now, four years later, I understand why. Now not only do I know what I’m seeing, a realistic lion, made of glazed rock, 7th century Babylon, but I understand what I’m seeing. I know that it was one of a hundred similar lions that would have lined the Ceremonial Way from the Ishtar Gate to the palace, that lions are big intimidation factors and a symbol of political power, that this was the route foreign emissaries took to the king, surrounded by evidence of his wealth and might. Back then I pretty much wrote about what the lion looked like, not what it would have signified in the time period in which it was created. Which is why I didn’t get an A. My term paper for Art History, by the way is to choose an ancient artifact and write a six page paper on it. That was the purpose of our trip to the Met. I wonder which piece of art I’ll be choosing….hm.

Once again a wonderful post deleted! No! Gah. Well, this one was on my trip to long wharf thursday night to see the play "fran's bed", which was supposed to be very emotional but ended up making us all crack up secretly because it was so fricking weird. the adultery scene, with that weird guy going down on the really scary mia farrow under the covers, just made us all go "what the fuck?!" the guy next to our group was sobbing the entire time, which was quite odd. i had fun on the bus ride home, though, talking to beth and tall lauren.

yesterday was the art class trip to the met, which was so much fun, even though i know no one in that class because they're all upperclassmen. good old phillip constantly pointing out how funny it is that a freshman can outdo upperclassmen is not helping my popularity, im thinking. i talked to this one nice kid with an accent, i think he's from africa, and all the grown-ups who are taking the class talk to me. oh and some french guy who apparently works for the museum tried to pick me up in the cafeteria. i was eating by myself, an overprice baguette and some soup, and he walked by and said bon apetit, and proceeded to sit one table down, so he was basically staring at me. this man must have been about fifty, very nicely dressed, and he knew all the people in the caf by name. when i got up to leave he started talking to me, tried to get me to sit down, asked me where i was from, when was i coming back, could he call me....to the last i answered no, politely, and left, but then i realized i'd done something pretty stupid--i took candy from a stranger. he offered me a couple of starlight mints, and i love those, so i took them! they could have had roofies, which they didnt because i ate them yesterday, but i felt so cliched. i doubt that a museum employee would try to kidnap me, but still. then waiting for the bus outside, an old man from new jersey sat down next to me, displacing a white piegon i'd been watchin (you guys know me and pigeons, one day they SHALL be mine) and started to talk to me. this guy wasn't creepy; he reminded me of my little jehovah's witness customer at sofia's, george hamilton. he was telling me that he comes almost every friday to the museum, sometimes to sit and watch people, or wander around a bit. amusingly he was telling me about his crazy youth, when he smoked and drank because "i liked it, that's why". he even told me that being a social drinker at any age was fine, whcih i guess it is if you like the taste of alcohol. i think we were talking for maybe ten minutes when the bus pulled in, and i shook his hand and left. we never introduced ourselves, but that's ok. i hope i made his day a little more interesting.

the actual experience of the met i will have to describe later, i have preparations to make for going home :-)

We had a mini concert in creative mind today. Brian Torff played for us, he'sthe head of the music department here and a really amazing bassist. He plays this really odd looking bass (the tall freestanding kind, not the guitar kind) that looks like a slimmed down cello, and the sounds were just amazing. it reminded me so much of apocalyptica, this group of four acoustic cellos that do metallica music. finally understood how they can get both really deep notes and really high, violin-like notes out of an instrument that i usually consider as just something to set the beat; he used his fingers and these small sticks wrapped in cloth to make the deeper sounds, and a bow to produce the higher notes. he talked about his life, which sounded fascinating, and all the famous musicians he's worked with, of which i only recognized miles davis and marilou williams, the later because i believe she just died. he talked about his belief that creativity is a way of life, not just an attritubte, and does not rely entirely on talent but on a hunger for something. he said you know if you're a writer/painter/singer/musician if you want it so much it hurts, if it's in your blood. otherwise it's just a hobby. i wondered about myself. do i truly want to be a writer? some encouragement came after class--dr bridgford told me that three of my poems got accepted for "A Class Act "by Theater Fairfied. i think i mentioned that before, it wasa contest to see your poems performed on stage, and she told me that it was mostly seniors who won, i was the only freshman, and i got three in!! I couldn't get the grin off my face for like an hour. plus i got my sylvia plath paper back and i got an A. wheeee. anyway the poems that won were "rainy day", "found poem" and my robert frost poem, which has always been one ofmy favorites. dr bridgford said she'd let me know when the performance would be, and about getting tickets so maybe my mom could come. she rarely sees any of my poetry. somehow it seems that since we don't have a particularly close relationship i would be uncomfortable letting her read something so personal. even my poems that aren't about anything in my life are reflections of my self and my personality...it would be a big step to have her listen.

It's done. I feel a great sense of relief. We're still friends, which is most important because he's one of my best friends here, and I know him so well it's almost scary. I explained my reasons for wanting time alone, to be able to determine myself aside from being so and so's girlfriend, and explaining my odd behavior these last few days. afterward our friends were gathered outside, expecting some sort of meltdown from him that thankfully didn't come. he said he had sort of been expecting it. of course he's sad, and i'm sad too, because this has been a wonderful month, but i need to do what will make me happy. as sara said, a month ago i chose what i thought would make me happy, and now that choice has altered, and i followed it. where it will lead i don't really know, but i am damn sure it's not to another deep relationship. i can't pretend to know the future, but i don't want another one anytime soon. soul mate, if you're out there, hold off, take a vacation, join a spinning class, do something, just don't seek me out, not yet.

Contrary to what my previous post might lead anyone to believe, I'm not a barely-functioning individual suffering a massive guilt complex, or someone who needs to be patted on the back and pitied. I've never wanted that, and indeed after my father's death I shrank from it. I've never felt the need to attend therapy and pour out my woes about my father. I can do that here. What do I need a therapist to tell me, that I feel guilty about my behavior toward my father? No shit. That I shouldn't feel guilty? Probably not, since I was just an adolescent who didn't care much about anyone besides herself. But true guilt is not a thing easily assuaged. I'm not depressed, and contrary to what so many people told my mother those years ago, I don't need antidepressants. My sister, yes, she definitely needs them. My mother was already on them from a previous tragedy. That doesn't mean it runs in the family. I'm not making myself out to be a pillar of strength in comparison to someone else's weakness, but I'm just not like them in that respect. I don't have post traumatic stress syndrome, while my sister does, which is ironic because i'm the one who saw him die, for christ's sake. i did have those recurring dreams a few years ago, that i wanted to believe my father had sent but which i know were just my subconscious telling me not to make the mistakes i made with my dad again with my mom. and i hope i don't. i try to understand my mother, i tell her i love her. i show my love for her in other ways too, like bringing her home her favorite cake from sofia's and buying her one nora roberts after another. so i'm not a basket case, or someone who needs to be felt sorry for. i think my father would be proud of me, of all i've accomplished. it does bring tears to my eyes when i think on how even more amazed he would have been at all i managed after his death. it makes me sad that he never saw me get all those stupid awards and graduate at the top of my class, that he never saw my AP grades, that he wasn't there to help teach me physics. it makes me sad when i look ahead and know that for all my life's accomplishments he won't be there. he won't see me graduate college or get my first job, my first apartment, or when i get married. but i know he loved me. he always told jen and i that we were going to grow up to be so much smarter than him, and though looking at my math skills i doubt whether that will ever be true, i know that was his way of showing how much he believed in us. my parents are responsible for the person that i am. they're the ones who read to me when i was little, who took me to the library all the time, who encouraged reading over watching television. my dad taught me to work hard. yes, he had a habit of yelling at us when we got a B or a C on something, which was a major conflict point for him and my sister i nthose last years, but from that I got a drive to be the best. and i still have that, it's not something i abandoned after he died. i hope it's not unhealthy, and sometimes i hav to remind myself that a B is a good grade, but it's generally a good thing to have.

so now i'm coming back to this four hours later, after dinner and gilmore girls and such, and i kind of lost the mood of whatever i was saying. suffice it to say that the emotions expressed in my previous post are not something that i'm feeling every five seconds. if that were true my life would truly suck. no, it's just that they're there, underneath the surface, and at certain points they pop up and i have to deal with them. i probably always will

In creative mind today we discussed a portion of a book called heaven's shore, by mark doty. he is an author famous for writing about his experiences being gay and having a partner with AIDS. in the section we read, he wrote about the last days of his lover Wally's life, and it was so very beautiful. creative mind has a loose topic every few weeks, and we read fiction and poetry and look at photographs relating to the theme. right now we're on "the moment", so this piece related to the moment of death. we looked at a really shocking photograph of a 1930s car accident, where a man crashed into a lightpole and somehow wound up entangled in the wires, directly above the car. it was completely unexplained how he'd gotten up there. there was a crossbar where his arms were, so there was some christlike imagery, and the spectators werent even all looking at him. there was also a photo of a woman committing suicide out of a hotel on a picturesque main street in buffalo in the 30s. the caption described her as a thirty-five yearold divorcee. she is shown halfway through her fall from the twelfth story, and there's people lounging in the window of the cafe right beneath her, and you can see that her pretty dress has flown up so that you can see her thighs. i wondered if that woman had been able to see this photo, would that have been the thing that she got stuck on, that she was being exposed to countless people, or would she have been so caught up in her misery that she wouldn't have cared?

dr bridgford also talked about the deaths of her grandparents. both of them did the same thing just before they died--they sought permission from their loved ones to leave, and they cried out for their mothers, and then they went, just like that. she said she felt a rush go by her when they died, like that last cry of "Mama!" was like the final upsurge of life, and that they were so alive in that last second that she could not at first comprehend that they were gone. i have never been able to decide whether it is better to experience death in one fell swoop, like a sudden plunge into cold water, or as a gradual process. the latter would be preferable if it gives you time to accept, but you're going to grieve afterward anyway. the sudden form of death, the way my dad died, gives you no pain beforehand but a hell of a wallop afterward. is there ever going to be a day when speaking of death doesn't remind me of him, when hearing people talk about the relationships, good and bad, they have with their fathers, makes me question over and over whether or not it's better off this way? of course it is true that no matter what conclusion i reach the outcome will never have changed. he is gone, forever, and it's only me to pick up the pieces and try to rearrange them the best i can. i remember a certain week a few years ago when every episode of the simpsons i watched had to do with homer's role as a father, especially in relationship to lisa. i cried then, and i hadn't cried in a long time. how ironic that such a humorous show did that to me. the episode where homer is told he has one day to live made me especially sad. even poor, pathetic homer got that one day to finsih out his life, to repair failing relationships, to express his feelings, to know he was loved. my dad was not so lucky. my mother and sister seem to think he had an inkling beforehand, that was why he acted strangely, but if that's true why didn't he show it in some way? if he knew he was going to leave me why didn't he... i don't evne know what i would have wanted him to do. why did my last words with him have to be so trivial? i came home from an appt, he was just getting up, he looked so worn out and i asked if he wanted anything. and he said no, and i went downstairs to get on the computer, and i never spoke to my father again. just that awful crash, and my mother screaming, and then seeing him on the floor, that awful shade of gray that my mother, the nurse, told me later that she knew signalled death. death already had his hands on my father then, and he couldn't speak to me, and i was too shocked even to tell him i loved him. i don't know if he could have heard. and here i am crying again, crying because i'm the little girl who lost her father and can never make up for everything she did wrong. as time goes on i lose more and more of him. the memories come and go, and it's hard to make others understand how i feel. the pain never went away. the loss, the savage, devouring loss, is never gone. it's only sleeping. i wish i knew he was waiting for me. i wish i knew that he was loving me from somewhere, loving all of us, missing us, waiting for us all to be together again someday. but if he's not i don't know what i'll do.

i just pulled out my journal, and in an entry from last year, lo and behold, are echoed similar sentiments: "What it all comes down to, in the end, is the sheer and utter LOSS of it all. I know now that I will never get over it. Perhaps with time the episodes will become less frequent, the pain less sharp. even now i rarely give in to it fully. it takes a lot of energy to channel that kind of pain. yet back it comes, again and again, often unexpedctedly, perhaps when i'm feeling particularly proud of my inner strength, my fortitude. it seizes me and tumbles me down, down to the level of a child, angry and sad, sobbing and lonely, wracked by the guilt of the things i said and the things i didn't, and confronted ultimately by that last great uncertainty, which will in the end decide how it all ends for me, and for him.....I don't know if he believed we'd meet again. Dad, if you're watching me write this the way Susie watched her family, if you've got your own gazebo in the sky, remmeber that i loved you, in the best way a selfish fourteen year old girl who didn't even love herself could. i never understood you; i couldn't have, back then, but i didn't even try. so many times i wished myself free of you. i never thought it would reall happen. if we meet again i hope i'll have the chance to apologize, to make up for all of it. maybe i won't need to. maybe that's what my heaven will be--understanding, forgiveness, and love. and you." when i wrote this it was sparked by reading "the lovely bones", in which a murdered child watches over her family, and manages to return for just one instant. but i don't believe that they come back.

i skipped math class today so i could see heather off. i felt so oddly bereft after she got in the cab, even though when i got back upstairs all my friends were waiting to go to lunch with me. it was so comforting having someone from home here. i'm going home again this weekend, making it three weeks in a row i'll have been off campus. most people are at school, so i'll probably hang out with melissa and stoner. plus i must get my mom a birthday gift and find myself a sword. the second weekend in november i'm going to visit sara, i'm so excited. my mom's going to pick me up friday and then i'll drive to pc on saturday. we're going to go to some big thrift store, god do i miss them ,and wendy and i could use another throw rug too, and a strip club called the foxy lady because yes we are both 18. and there's a huge mall which doesn't hurt. and there's sara!! i'm very interested to see how providence matches with FU, since people always say that we're really similar to them in terms of people. and then she can come here, and after heather, whom we all know is an experience that can shock people on their first exposure to her (lol), she'll have no problems. i was the pfirst person of my friends to have someone stay over, and i think four days is a record lol. my RA was a little surprised when i filled out the pass for four whole days. speaking of guest passes and such, things are much different at NYU. there there's a guard in all the dorms, and you have to show your ID, not just swipe it in a card thing, and if you want to get into someone else's dorm you need someoen from there to let you in and sign you in. wow. here all the cards open the dorms, except after like 11pm your card will only work on you own dorm. but there's always people smoking around the dorms so it's never a problem. heather tried to tell me that she felt less safe walking around our peaceful quad at night than walkng around manhattan, because it's not as bright and there's less people. it's frickin fairfield. nothing bad ever happens here. in fact, a kid from here was shot in new york city, admittedly in brooklyn and not near flanny, but still, there's no way this little rich suburb is more dangerous than nyc.

Wow. this weekend has been fucking crazy. after all that with the party, and my girl heather scoring some with a cute guy from jogues last night, there was some crazy drama tonight for me. i wrote a post with my impressions of friday night, and it was wild, disjointed and very blunt on a lot of counts, and i intended it to be completely private. not that i did anything of which i am ashamed, but i just felt it would be easier and invite less trouble if i kept it private. i love my friends here, but i didn't want anyone getting the wrong impression off what i was saying in my crazy fashion. plus there are certain people involved who just should not be reading what i was saying about them, lest they take offense, even if i really didn't mean any, i was just writing it like i felt/saw it. so when meghan called and already knew everyhting i was going to tell her, i freaked out, and ran around figuring out who'd read it, which turned out to be only lauren and she laughed and said that was so not anything bad, what was i worrying about anyway? then wendy went and read it, but i would have told her everythign anyway because she's my roomie. yeah so i'm calm now, and things are good, but other trials have presented themselves. the current situation with my relationships is something i have given thought to, and some things need to change. i'll be setting the stage this week, but i'm not going to settle anything definitively until next week. i'm glad i have such good friends here. wendy, lauren, amanda, meredith--you guys are great. i'm really lucky to have met you all. and flanny, my rock, i love you.

:x: name = Michelle
:x: piercings = two
:x: tattoos = none
:x: height= 5'8
:x: shoe size = 8-9
:x: hair color = black
:x: siblings = Jen the Evil One

LAST...
:x: movie you rented = rented rented? Christ I don’t even know…we “libraried” a few movies, the black swan, mad max and something else
:x: movie you bought = amelie
:x: song you listened to “keep on lovin you” reo speedwagon
:x: song that was stuck in your head = some rob zombie song
:x: cd you bought = ummm audioslave
:x: cd you listened to = andrew’s rob zombie cd
:x: person you've called = melissa
:x: person that's called you = Meghan but she got disconnected and never called back
:x: tv show you've watched = the nanny, what else?
:x: person you were thinking of = digiov, we were taking a quiz together

DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone = yeah, johnny depp
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = well spain, but that’ll come later
:x: you think about suicide = no
:x: you believe in online dating = no way
:x: others find you attractive = yes
:x: you want more piercings = not really
:x: you like cleaning = actually I clean when I’m stressed or bored and angry
:x: you like roller coasters = Hells no
:x: you write in cursive or print = cursive

FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = meh
:x: using someone = Against
:x: suicide = definitely not
:x: killing people = on this I’m conflicted
:x: teenage smoking = against all smoking
:x: driving drunk = soooo definitely against. I think this is probably the worst. Suicide and smoking usually affect only one person; if you drive drunk you could kill an entire family or something.
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = yeah
:x: soap operas = guilty pleasures



HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl= I think so, but no instances come to mind
:x: ever cried over a boy = yes, angry tears
:x: ever lied to someone = of course
:x: ever been in a fist fight = no
:x: ever been arrested = No

WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = suave tropical
:x: shoes do you wear = sneakers
:x: are you scared of = heights, bugs, forgetting things

NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? = private!
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = none
:x: of hearts I have broken? = i don’t know
:x: of girls I have kissed? = four
:x: of boys I have kissed? = I bet I could figure this out if I really tried….seven
:x: of girls I've slept with? = tons, four last night alone!
:x: of boys I've slept with? = one (these two are zzzzz sleeping, naturally)
:x: of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = hmmm maybe seven or eight?
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?= honor roll four times a year
:x: of scars on my body? = some on my head, one on my knee
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = I couldn’t count. Some are trivial, others more important

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty -yes
:x: funny – yes, sarcastically so
:x: hot – at times. Last night, hell yes.
:x: friendly - yeah
:x: amusing - somewhat
:x: ugly – on certain days
:x: loveable –no, im a frigid bitch
:x: caring - yes
:x: sweet – meh, someday
:x: dorky – yeah why not?

favorite:
5 letter word: anime, don’t ask why
actor/actress: Johnny Depp, John Cusack Sandra Bullock
Candy: milky way, milk duds
Cartoon: "simpsons”
Cereal: cheerios
Chewing gum: big red
Color(s): blue
Color nail polish: darks
Day of week: Friday
Least fave day: Tuesday
Flower: meh
Jello flavor: ewwww jello
Jewelry: my grandmother’s ring, currently wendy’s spike necklace
Special skills/talents: writing
Summer/Winter: winter
Trampolines or swimming pools: pool, especially flanny’s

|| Person who last.. ||

Slept in your bed: andrew
Saw you cry: my mom
Made you cry: thinking about my dad
You went to the movies with: sara….the rundown
Yelled at you: jen
Sent you an email: lauren

|| Have you ever.. ||

Said "I love you" and meant it?: yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas: Yes
Kept a secret from everyone: Yes
Cried during a movie: yes
Ever, at anytime owned new kids on the block stuff: no, never
Planned your week based on the TV Guide: no
Been on stage: no
Been to New York: yep
Been to California: yes
China: No
Canada: no
Europe: yes
Asia: No
South America: No
Australia: No
Wished you were the opposite sex: a few times
What time is it now?: 12:33
Apples or bananas?: bananas
Blue or red?: blue
Walmart or target?: walmart
Spring or Fall?: fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: probably sleep
What was the last meal you ate?: baked ziti
High school or college?: college to an unbelievable degree
Are you bored?: No, not at all
Last noise you heard?: Amanda giggling in the hall
Last smell you sniffed?: my hair, which smells like melissa’s basement
Last time you went out of state/province?: nyc a few weeks ago

|| Friendship/Love ||

Do you believe in love at first sight?: not at all, it’s lust at first sight
Do you want children one day & if so, how many: not really
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: trust, humor

|| Other Info ||

Criminal record?: No
Do you speak any other languages?: Spanish, sorta
Last book you read: philosophy
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom: everything…the décor, the Christmas lights, my electric blanket, my pictures, my pillows…
Thing you dislike about yourself the most: eh not answering
Worst feeling in the world: frustration
Who you love: my friends, my family
Who you miss: my pirate homies and my hos


|| You ||

Nickname(s): Bob, Mitch, Meesh, Shelly
Initials: MMD
How old do you look?: probably my age
How old do you act?: a little older
Glasses/Contacts: contacts
Braces: ugh gone as of soph year
Do you have any pets?: five, four cats one dog
You get embarrassed: sometimes
What makes you happy?: time to myself to relax
What upsets you?: being smothered, being overstressed, too much drama


|| Finish the sentence: ||

I Love to... enjoy alone time
I Miss... Melissa and sara, right now
I Wish... I could be with my friends at home
I Hope... that I will be happy
I'm Annoyed by... histrionics
I Am... a poet
I Want to Be... free
I Would Never... forget
I'd Rather... be dreaming of boys
I Am Tired of... math
I Will Always be...a good person


|| Have you ever.. ||

Thought you were going to die: yeah, when someone was driving fucking crazy on a wet road on a full moon
Wanted to Run away: when I was little, and right before my dad died I almost did
Flunked a grade: No way
Skipped a grade: No

n

I love this, it's from "Picnic, Lightning" by Billy Collins:

Silence

Now it is time to say what you have to say.
The room is quiet.
The whirring fan has been unplugged,
and the girl who was tapping
a pencil on her desktop has been removed.

So tell us what is on your mind.
We want to hear the sound of your foliage,
the unraveling of your tool kit,
your songs of loneliness,
your songs of hurt.

The trains are motionless on the tracks,
the ships are at restn the harbor.
The dogs are cocking their heads
and the gods are peering down from their balloons.
The town is hushed,

and everyone here has a copy.
So tell us about your parents—
your father behind the steering wheel,
your cruel mother at the sink.
Let's hear about all the clouds you saw, all the trees.

Read the poem you brought with you tonight.
The ocean has stopped sloshing around,
and even Beethoven
is sitting up in his deathbed,
his cold hearing horn inserted in one ear.

Almost every one of his poems just hits me, in a way that poetry rarely does on the first try. Usually I like a piece or two from a single writer, but with him it's book after book that I wish I could just hold inside me forever, like a well-cherished toy.
Also, I have realized that certain things are no longer as they once were. And I have decided that I do not really care.

goddammit i just wasted a CDR on something that wouldn't record. fuck. on a brighter note, heather's coming tomorrow! i'm very excited. my pirate costume for friday night is nearly complete, though i still lack a parrot or monkey. haha heather just informed me that she touched nick lachey tonight at hooters in nyc. the lucky gal lol. ok i'm going to clean before i watch my nightly installment of the nanny at midnight.

I have a few minutes, whilst I languish in the language resource center, so I thought I'd post. It turns out some sophomore from here was murdered in Brooklyn on Sunday. He was shot a bunch of times and dumped out of a moving car, and they don't have any idea who did it or what was going on. He'd gotten separated from his friends earlier at a club. I know people who know this kid, Mark. It's so unsettling. Plus where was Andrew all this weekend? Brooklyn.
On a brighter note, my art professor really loves me! Whoohoo for the artistically challenged michelle, who can at least succeed in analyzing and writing about art. He said he was amazed by the quality of my biblical source paper, even after I told him that I'm not 17 anymore and therefore not a prodigy. He pulled me out of class to ask me about my interest in majoring in art, to which I said no but I said I'd consider doing a minor. Right now I want to minor in Spanish, because it's useful and I have to take classes to go to Spain anyway. I was slightly considering minoring in biology, but basically I just want to take more classes on genetic engineering and evolution. I liked that stuff. And of course my major is english, which is the reason I write well anyway. Yeah. AND even more happily, I won the leaf assignment! I found a leaf on my front steps that was so cool, an oak leaf that was just starting to turn so it had a band of beautiful read all around and then green inside. The whole class voted it number one. The prof put it up on thewall, but I kind of wanted it back…twas a pretty leaf.

Here's what I wrote last night at home:

I need to type right now, I need to chronicle this, as usual. The past two days have been this crazy mix of feeling weird and uncomfortable and feeling that this is exactly where I wanted to be. Before I left FU I was sorta sad that I had to leave my wendy, my comfy pretty room, my independence, my friends, Andrew, all that and go back home, especially cause I didn¡¦t know what it would be like. And while it was definitely surreal at the outset, I¡¦m so glad to be home. I got disproportionately excited just to see ¡§rocky hill¡¨ on a road sign on I-91. then there was my house, which is never a source of excitement, and my family and my pets. Sheena looks amazing. The new groomer made her look like she lost ten pounds. I can¡¦t even hate her anymore, except when she¡¦s barking and trying to kill me as I leave the house. Sapphire ignored me upon my arrival, and gave me the cold shoulder until the evening, when both she and cinni-mini slept in my room. Cinnamon is actually right next to me on my pillow, which is gross and now I can¡¦t sleep on it tonight, but she so often is a sad, neurotic little kitty that I can¡¦t bear to shoo her away. Mr Binky has morphed into the most affectionate cat of all time¡Xhe is an absolute whore for petting. Unfortunately he still hates being picked up, which is why he¡¦s hiding from me downstairs and I¡¦m in my room with a scratch on my chest. Cleo is her usual scary self.
So Saturday I met up with sara at the mall, and I discovered that I don¡¦t miss shopping like I thought I did. I went into hot topic and I wasn¡¦t really interested in much. But I bought meghan¡¦s birthday present, and parts of the gifts for Andrew and my mom, which was good. I was really happy to see sara¡K.and heather, and rae! You guys rule! Friday night was awesome¡Xlaser tag!!! What could be better? I went with sara, heather, Emily, jess and Melissa and I had so much fun. I came in eighth this time. We were the only girls in the eleven pm game, which we made by about half a second before they closed the doors. Instead of taking up one position like I always do when I¡¦m trying to win, me and heather ran shrieking through the maze, shooting whoever we could and not caring when we didn¡¦t hit them. Sometimes I was laughing so hard at heahter¡¦s antics that I wasn¡¦t even shooting, especially when she was jumping up and down screaming ¡§I know kung fu! Can you deal with that?¡¨ and ¡§Feel my pain, bitch!¡¨ I think her personal favorite seemed to be ¡§Vengeance shall be mine, (insert name of person who shot her)!¡¨ it was awesome. Afterward we hung out at baskin robbins on the pike and went to melissa¡¦s new house to see the kittens she and jess have, which are only six weeks old and the cutest things ever. They were so tiny I found myself wondering exactly how they could work. Which is silly since there are plenty of small creatures but they were like a miniature version of cats. Last night was heather¡¦s birthday bash at hooter¡¦s, but we couldn¡¦t all meet till like eleven, so sara and I ended up going to see ¡§the rundown¡¨. It wasn¡¦t such a bad movie, and there were some funny parts, including the part where the rock got raped by an over-amorous monkey. Then we went back to her house, ostensibly to give rae some time with aj, but it turned out all she meant was time to put her shoes on, but instead I was calling Andrew and Lauren and sara was crocheting a scarf. So rae¡¦s parents were annoyed. We ended up getting to hooter¡¦s like 45 minutes early but it was ok because rae gave me my gift¡Xa shirt from the garment district, the thrift store in boston I got my semi dress from and a book on writing by Margaret atwood¡Xand then the three of us had a chance to talk for a good long while. Rae mentioned the fact that I was her first friend in high school, and sara was my first real friend like ever. I do miss them. It¡¦s not like my friends at Fairfield aren¡¦t amazing, they totally and completely are, but it¡¦s not the same. It was like going back to my roots this weekend. These are the people who have known and loved me for years, through thick and thin, through the periods of weirdness that I¡¦ve had with both sara and rae, yet I feel more connected to them than ever before. When I look at wendy or Lauren or any of my FU friends, I know them, but not through and through, not in the way that I can look at sara and see that I know her, and she knows me in the same way, with the accumulation of years of little things, trivial revelations and incidental happenings and those rare, beautiful times when you feel like there¡¦s nothing better in the entire universe than to have good friends.
When everyone else arrived it was fun too. Nicole was there; it was amusing to get someone else¡¦s perspective on FU aside from my friends. One of the things she asked me was if I¡¦d been to black rock yet, and I thought she meant the turnpike but she meant the bar. She hasn¡¦t ever been to the center of town, but she¡¦s been to the beach ¡§soooo many times¡¨. She highly recommends that I go, and hit the lacrosse guys¡¦ house cause they¡¦re the wild ones. Ok then. Rae gave heather a fake attachable mustache for her birthday, she was so in love with it. And she loved my pirate shorts as well. For my gift she gave me some slippers from Chinatown, an I love NY shirt¡Xin pink, of course¡Xand a crazy wild magic scarf like hers! It was so cool! I wanna try wearing it as a dress ƒº
Anyway I¡¦ve done absolutely nothing this weekend in terms of work. Cough. Apop and I are meeting at Sofia¡¦s tomorrow at 2pm to head back to FU in my mom¡¦s van (she refused to take the Tahoe). Tonight I¡¦m hooking up with greg and heather to visit Melissa at cvs. Greg has poison ivy unfortunately, so he¡¦s not too happy. I called Ashley today to see what was up, her parents are being predictably grrrr, but she was still glad to be home. I told her that I finally got my southwest pics developed, and the roadrunner came out well!! Heehee. Oh and last night on the pike jess was behind me driving melissa¡¦s car, and Melissa had the grand idea to ram the tahoe from behind, so I thought I hit something which would have been impressive since I was at a red light. The tahoe was fine, but there was a dent in melissa¡¦s hood and she was upset, so I don¡¦t think she¡¦ll be ramming me again too soon. I can¡¦t believe I didn¡¦t cone this weekend. Maybe heather and I can cone melly¡¦s car at cvs¡Khmmm¡K.i stroke the beard I do not have. Andrew has now talked to both sara and heather. Sara said that she approved of his voice, and heather just was so hysterical that Andrew was laughing most of the time. She basically entertained us with her half of the conversation the entire way back to her house from the pike. I¡¦m glad they both like him. Plus he¡¦s even better in person! Of course plans are being made for everyone to visit everyone else, and I really want to. I feel so close to everyone right now, but I also have the desire to go back to Fairfield, to my room and my roommate and my new life. It¡¦s weird not having anyone down the hall to chill with at odd hours, weird not to be able to slap lauren¡¦s ass and elicit some strange squeak. It¡¦s weird not making any jokes about apop¡¦s purse or andrew¡¦s showering habits or just anything else. When I first got home it was like everything at school was a dream and this was my reality. Slowly it¡¦s settling in that I can have two different experiences and it¡¦s ok, it¡¦s not betraying either.
The main thing I have learned from this weekend is that without the constant support and entertainment provided by the people I really love, I don¡¦t know where I¡¦d be. Thank you all so much.

Well hre i am at work again, this time upstairs in the admissions office, and i've just recieved wonderful, amazing, splendiferous news-- i get PAID to do this! i was apparently mistaken about the nature of work study; by doing it i get some sort of discount off tuition, but i also get checks. moolah. i thought i wouldn't actually see the money from this, that it went toward tuition, but no, i get it. i got a check today for eighty bucks, that feels nice. plus i have a check from my mom that has yet to be cashed. this is good, i'll have more money to use for people's birthday presents :-)

I really hadn't realized how excited I am to go home. I love my FU, but it's going to be wonderful to be back in good old Windsor again. Everyone's saying the same things: they can't wait to shower without flip-flops, eat home-cooked meals, sleep in their own beds, see their pets, see their friends and family, NOT have to climb four flights of stairs or risk a faulty elevator to get to their dorm room. I've made a list of things I must do, first and foremost being hang out with my friends. I love you guys so much. I know we've all started saying it now that we're separated, just like my mom and i say it on the phone and we never used to. i can't wait to see all of you. heather's planning a birthday party to hooters, i would absolutely love to go play lazer tag, so that gladwrap may once again rule the day, i want to hang out at the diner with flanny at odd hours of the night like so many times this summer. i want to see greg, i want to see mama flanny, i want to visit sofia's and have one of their grinders and some of their amazing pasta, and remind myself how good i have it now (looks around at job that pays her more to do far less in a more beautiful, smoke-free, sexual-harassment free environment that features a grocery list where you can pick what snacks you want the office to have!!), i want to see my kitties so very badly. i want to go out to dinner with my mom, talk to my grandpa, get more birthday gifts :-) and just be home.

I'm actually at work while I post this. Today, after an hour and a half of mindless pasting stickers on file folders (i got through four hundred of 8,000 that have to be made), i have been given the momentous task of guarding the front desk of bellarmine hall. whoot. actually i was doing this this morning too, when there were actually people coming in for tours and interviews and whatnot, but now there's juts no one. i have this nice computer with the cute little flat screen and the amazingly outdated noisy keyboard to play with. i brought a book but i'm not in a reading mood. except maybe some fanfics. i already read the paper, did some crossword puzzles, and i even planned out the paper i have to write this weekend. ah yes, and i got another screen name so that annoying people no longer IM me.

So apparently meghan's not coming to visit after all. sigh. i guess wendy will be relieved that she didn't miss meeting her...and our room is now miraculously clean, aside from the growing pile of dishes and silverware that ineed to clean. i'm just too lazy to haul my ass down to the kitchen right now. i guess i'll start my philosophy study guide, i kind of finished everything else yesterday. more free time, whoop-de-doo.

Lauren admonished me once again to update my site, so here goes. My birthday was utterly awesome. probably the best one i've had. i haven't even gotten all my gifts yet lol! The food has now mostly been eaten, the cookies and box o'chocolates and the big cake that was waiting for me when i woke up, courtesy of my darling wendy (later this same darling saw fit to mash cake in my hair. i retaliated with cake on her shirt. mmm. frosting.) the flowers andrew wanted for me came from canada yesterday. they're beautiful, but sadly they're already dying. lauren and andrew both gave me stuffed animals--andrew's is a black cat with orange devil eyes. i kid you not. when i unwrapped it i screamed and tossed it up in the air. wendy gave me, amongst other things, a new rainbrow brite tshirt!! i was so happy! sara's present came today. i put the lobster soaps on display in my room, and i'm wearing the little bow tie necklace and the champagne-flavored lip gloss...which doesnt taste like champagne, not that i really know what that is anyway. still good. plus i got cards from a bunch of people, and rae left a singing message on my machine. it was good times. and no i didn't do anything wild and crazy beyond buy some losing lottery tickets when we went out to dinner. oh well.

i got an A+ on phillip's first quiz, so he says his objective now is to convince me to change my major to art history. heehee. and i took my first spanish test this afternoon, i think it went well. today is "new england day", so we're having some kind of carnival. i plan to get my fortune told :-)