Happy New Year!

So New Year's Eve will be a party with 23 people crammed into Sean's friend's basement...several of them frat boys, and only seven of them girls. Sara is coming!! I'm so excited. We're going to Sean's tonight to give his wardrobe a makeover in preparation for our shopping expedition tomorrow. excellent.

Resolutions I May or May Not Keep, Depending:

1.) Break Coke addiction.
2.) Finish all work before it is due.
3.) Swear less.
4.) Drink more.
5.) Have sex more.

(you can take your guesses which I'll keep and which I won't)

Christmas Proper

Well now it is Christmas, and although I should go to bed so I can wake up at an indecent hour to open gifts and help prepare the pot roast, I can't really sleep. No it is not because I am anxious about Santa's arrival. It doesn't really matter whether he shows or not, because I just put all the presents under the tree myself. I noted to my mom that there seemed to be a heck of a lot more of them than when there were four of us participating--oh Irony, you will never cease to amuse me.

This will be our fourth christmas without him. How different things are--not even a real tree like he used to put up, cursing mightily...Whenever our stockings get put up there seems to be an empty space, the way it always went from mine to jen's to my mom's, and then his, but now nothing. It's always sad to see his stocking, which matches my mom's, lying in the bottom of the box, forgotten. The only thing I suppose he'd recognize now would be Cinnanmon sleeping lazily among the gifts, as always. This morning over lunch my mom was telling me how two of the medications he was on when he died are no longer prescribed, one because it just doesn't work and one because it causes heart attacks. As i remarked to her (and anyone who didn't know us would probably have thought this a terrible thing to say), between that, the diabetes, the heart problems, the breathing problems, the stress and god knows whatever else, the man was a walking death sentence! She laughed at that, of course. We all do--it's what he would have done, once upon a time.

They say holidays are the hardest times to remember someone you've lost, but honestly until tonight I hadn't really felt the sadness come back the way it usually does. It's so easy to forget everything, to think for instance that this room, this den has always been mine, that my books have always lined the shelves instead of his, that my traffic cone and my painting and my pictures of my friends have always decorated this space. But then I look up and there is his old baseball glove sitting next to the print Sean gave me for christmas. Perched in front of my giant art history textbook is the name plaque from one of his old offices, back when he was just a regular nuclear engineer, a wood one my grandpa made him. He's everywhere and nowhere at the same time. When my mom drove me home last week, I couldn't help but slip into that familiar fantasy, just for a second, as we came up to the driveway and there was a tahoe in the driveway and the light was on in the den, that it really all was a bad dream--that in reality he had just come home from work and was sitting at his desk in the den, that he'd get up to give me a hug when i came in the door. but of course, the tahoe was in the driveway because that's where i left it, and of course it was only my sister in the den. it's an illusion, always, but for just that one second, it is so very nice to believe.

I shouldn't be sad now, I should be happy, because it's christmas and I still have the rest of my family to be thankful for, and later today I'll be with sara and she's my family too, biology aside. I almost feel that I have so much that I'm being disproportionately unhappy over what was taken away. It's just hard. That's the only word for it, I guess. It's hard knowing that most of the people around you have their families intact, whatever their dysfunctions. It's hard knowing are people like me and sara, whose families are just a little bit broken because of that someone who won't be sitting around the tree this morning. Despite five years' worth of rationalizing about how all was for the best, it still comes down to the fact that it's christmas and he's not here. He never will be, that is the hardest thing of all.

I suppose I don't sound very merry at all right now, but I will be, come morning. Sadness is usually fostered late at night, especially when I'm tired. It helps writing it down, even though I've written down a thousand things just like this over the years, many of them in this journal. If I don't write it down, even if I'm already in bed, I'll just lie there thinking about it endlessly, so I'll get up and come downstairs and type. I think I cry more in front of this computer than anywhere else. But then I go back to bed and I think about other things, and it gets better. That's where I'm headed now, dreamland. Goodnight/good morning/merry christmas to everyone...I love you.

Christmas Eve

Christmas is only a few hours away as I write this. How time does fly!

Yesterday we went to visit Northwest, which we agreed was even more foreign after two years away. We knew a lot fewer of the faces in the crowd, though Heather was greeting every other person in her usual fashion. I love how happy everyone is to see us when we're there, how we always have to hassle Mr. T about our missing papers and the HILL trip, how he always contends that we were one of the best classes. we didn't make in there in time to crash hill class for the day, alas (the little bastards are going to england this year, dammit!), but we saw fitz (who feigned a heart attack when i appeared in his room), tumbly and mr avery, mrs juda, whose classes heather has been observing and who told us that her current AP class was very boring and nothing like ours lol. She was giving heather advice on how to be an effective teacher, ie establish a dictatorship, rule by fear of force and that gimlet-eyed stare, and rae suggested paying people to spread rumors of her fierceness throughout the halls. oh yes, and it must be mentioned that as we walked past the gym, i looked in and caught a glimpse of who else but STEVE himself, playing basketball just like in the old days. Who would have thought that antisocial young man would return to northwest of his own accord? we had to resist the urge to go by like five more times, naturally. sigh. he's still...steve, meve, small duck, grumpy duck, and all those other things we called him. i wonder if luke was there too...

so we left feeling like celebrities, and of course wound up over at center squeeze cafe for some elitist vegetarian food, and then we dropped rae at aj's and spent the rest of the day into the evening just sitting in sara's living room talking while the wind howled and the rain poured. (ok, at one point or another i was furtively trying to read "The other boleyn girl", which sara's mom had, but they called me antisocial and sara took it away and put me in "time-out". eventually though heather took a short nap and sara was reading some sex book, so i got to peruse it for a while).

So good, that's all i can say. being with them is always exactly what i need. there's always something amusing/shady going down, like heather swerving into the path of a bus as we left school, and delicious treats to be consumed, like the marvelous Queso de Hoja, or as i simply call it, sara's puerto rican cheese. Damn that stuff is goood.

We're going to be apart for new year's this year, for the first time since freshman year. Remember that year, when we shadily went to Dan's house, back when rae and dan were still....whatever the hell they were, "kindred spirits" i suppose? then we spent the next two at sara's house, the old house, and then senior year was at annie's (the only year i actually had my own boyfriend to kiss at midnight, ah greg), and last year was of course the debauchery of the hotel suite. this year rae will be with aj, heather and sara will be in nyc with friends and family, respectively, and i'll be in new haven with sean, meredith, and hopefully amanda. i'm sure it'll be fun, but of course not the same--as sara said tonight, "we're growing up!" true, but as we've already learned from college, that doesn't always have to mean growing apart. we all still fit together like puzzle pieces, even after all this time.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, and in true dimarzo family tradition, we were impatient and opened our stockings and a couple of gifts. my mom made me a pillow out of the extra chinese silk i had from making my photo board!! it's beautiful, bright green, i love it. now i just have to keep it safe from sapphire for a month or so...jen gave me some scrapbooking paper, which was nice of her, and my mom put some gift certificates for movies and koko's in my stocking. we filled hers with candy lol, which is totally unhealthy and her doctor has scolded her so many times...oops! i bought her a calendar full of pictures of shelties just like sheena (except you know, not dying). Tomorrow we'll open the rest, but just like last year, i'm not going crazy with excitement over the prospect of gifts. i would say that hmm, maybe it's just because i'm older, but jen acts like a five year old with presents still. or maybe that's just because it's jen...

Anyway, that's enough of an update for Xmas eve. the house is filled with the smell of my mom baking, although thanks to jen throwing out the buttermilk, no banana bread for me tonight. There really aren't any true catholics in this house, but maybe my mom still counts as christian, so happy birthday, jesus. you the man.

Break Begins

And I'm home. It's so bittersweet to be here. On the one hand, I have my cats again (Sapphire was so excited to see me, and I was right, she had made herself a nest on top of my carefully concealed clothes) and my stuffed animals (Raccoony!) and my house with all my books, and I'm sure I'll be in so much of a better mood once I see my friends. Sigh. It was just so hard to say goodbye to school and my room and especially to Sean. I miss him so much already.

Oh yes, you forfeited your share in the Empire, my dear. The Imperatrix will rule unchallened, while the Imperator can go hide in a cave somewhere and bemoan his career choices and lack of modern clothing. Good day to you.

What I Really Meant to Tell You

I just wanted you to know
that the words that came
out of my mouth today
weren’t at all what I wanted you to hear.
In place of “Excuse me,”
I meant to tell you that your eyes
are the exact shade of blue
that El Greco used for the robe of God
in his famous Day of Judgement,

and if you heard me say
“Could you pass me a straw?”
what I actually said was that
I wish that I could sit by you
and write endless poems
about the grace of your hands.

Also, when I said “good-bye”, I meant it,
but next to that last e was a single,
silent declaration of my love,
(in case you didn’t hear).

This remains one of my favorite poems that I've written. I was looking at it tonight as I perused older poetry files on my computer, which I do from time to time to edit bits here and there (it's remarkable how there are always little things you want to switch around no matter how polished you thought the poem was). To think that one of my favorite poems was inspired by none other than the infamous TFB. Irony.

The End Is Near

Five day....five days. Can you believe that? I think we all need to be home, more than we're willing to admit. Time to recharge the batteries, and there's no better way to do that than just being home with my best friends. I think we need another one of our dinner parties, by the way. Who is the only one who hasn't held one at her house yet...hmm....yes, that would be Miss Flanny. I mean cmon, sara's already had two! Naturally, it's harder to get around all four members of your family than it is for sara to accomodate her mom, but let's be honest here, we could all use some flanagan family lovin'.

Plus, we're visiting northwest on wednesday! What better way to feel cooler and way older than to just go back to the place that was your second home for four years? I almost said prison, but no, Northwest was a good place. I wouldn't change anything about it....no that's a lie, I'd change so much of the way we acted about guys. We spent most of high school wanting boyfriends and lusting after one unattainable guy who would never give a shit after another--Aaron, Steve, Luke (remember God, sara?). Going back and reading the notebook, it seems like it formed such a major part of our lives, which is kind of sad. Nothing we can do about it now, of course, and we've all changed (for one thing, guys actually DO give a shit now, isn't that a nice change?). I'm looking forward to seeing mr T--think he's graded our final papers YET? lol.

Variation on the Word Sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

~Margaret Atwood

I know Margaret Atwood is one of Rae's favorite authors, and in fact this poem reminds me of the way you write your love poems. I can't remember the words anymore, but I remember the feel of them, the tone of the ones you used to read to us in Voices. They were some of the most beautiful I have ever heard.

To Rae and AJ, the happiest couple I know--thank you for reminding all of us that love does indeed exist.

The Sea

We went to see Ocean's 12 last night, which was enjoyable, if not quite as good as the first. Brad Pitt was more the focus of this one, and of course I see no problems with that. Afterward we drove around Fairfield for a while looking at all the gorgeous houses decked out with Christmas lights, until we finally found our way to the beach (a private one, not the Point), where they had a bunch of swingsets, so we went crazy. I hadn't really been on swings in God knows how long--except you know you're kind of too big when just two of you are on a swingset and you can feel it start to move.

I do so love beaches at night, especially when you have all the lights and activity of Bridgeport to your left and the silent blackness of the Sound on the other side, with the waves crashing and crashing in front of you. I'm glad we live on the ocean; I can't imagine what it would be like to live somewhere landlocked. I remember thinking when I was younger that the ocean was as close as I could come to understanding something that was infinite or eternal--you know it ends, somewhere, but when you're standing on the beach it just goes farther and farther away until it reaches nothingness, and it seems too massive to be understood. It's incredible.

Of course we had to be silly and write things all over the sand, like our phone numbers and a giant "we heart sean". Oh, and "Empress and Co". Take that Meredith, wouldn't include me in your MD!!

Just Cause

I felt like I should post something regarding Tuesday night's events, in case I ever want to look back on this and laugh. Or cringe, whichever. Anyway yeah.....we had sex Tuesday, whoohoo! I took someone's Vcard, go me! (You know it's a sign from God when your roommate decides at 11pm to sleep in another dorm, and then a further sign when god sends a thunderstorm around 2am).

So why am I blogging at 1am and not canoodling (yes there's that word again) on the other side of loyola? one reason is bc i'm sick and feeling crappy, another is because i don't think it's nice to tell someone to come over at midnight and then stay in the commons playing poker till like 1am. i would have gone to watch a movie or something earlier, but i'm not going to run over whenever he decides to show up. Yes I know i sound grumpy. that's a combination of sneezing every five minutes and my snack getting stuck in the goddamned vending machine. so i'm sick AND hungry. bah.

:-(

The father of a guy we know here, Jared, died of a stroke yesterday. How sad it is, to remember that things like that are still happening every day. While people get so worked up about possible terrorist attacks, it remains a fact that you're so much more likely to lose someone you love to something as commonplace as a heart attack or a stroke. I'm sorry, for Jared and for everyone else who goes through this.

Another of the Best

...weekends ever, I'd have to say, owing to all of my friends but most particularly to Sean, our soon-to-be-departed comrade. Friday night was great: a meal out on the town, seeing "Finding Neverland" (which was an absolutely fabulous film, and I'm not just being biased about johnny depp) and then, to cheer ourselves after the weepy ending, a trip to VIP, where items were purchased, one of which caused Sean to walk out in disgust. In reality it was only raspberry-flavored massage oil, but he thought it was something else. After that we rented an old movie, "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" which was really funny even if it went on for three loooong hours.

Saturday Sean and I ventured out on the Post Road into Westport in search of the fabled Barnes and Noble Meredith had reported there. After we found ourselves in an extremely classy section of Norwalk we decided we'd gone too far, although we did contemplate finding an open house and pretending to be a married couple. We ended up where any middle-class married couple does on a saturday afternoon-- bed bath & beyond! In the end we did manage to locate the slyly tucked-away B&N, and spent a pleasant while there hunting down gifts and admiring all the books we don't have money to be buying ourselves.

Saturday night...well, where to begin? We all got drunk, let's put it that way, and had ourselves quite the good time, especially after Wendy came over. let's see....spin the bottle? check! drunken truth or dare with sean? check! getting caught by the RAs after both sean and tj threw up in the bathroom? Check!

Alright, we didn't really get caught, probably because us girls were by this point, like 2am, pretty much sober. They told us to either take them to the health center or get written up, so off we went, meredith and i walking with tj, who was deemed unfit for the car. Note: I never want to hear anyone use the term "booting" for throwing up, ever again. The boys were labeled fine, though sean's breathalyzer was 0.30 and we dont know was tj's was. they just told us to keep them awake for a while, so we did just that till about 4:30, despite me wanting to kill TJ because he was acting like a five year old--or deconti, either or. at one point sean had to bodily restrain me from leaping out of the bed and beating him. Meredith spent a sleepless night on the futon with TJ, poor girl, and I slept with Sean in his bed (I got the most sleep of anyone, but as I pointed out, i am an expert at sharing these tiny college beds). I personally found Sean quite comfy to sleep with, and I heard no complaints from him *glares at Meredith*. Meredith and I went back to our own rooms about 11am. Don't get me wrong, though--I consider the whole thing an adventure, even if an exhausting one. I had a fucking awesome time minus that little embarassment of two RAs seeing me cozily in bed with Sean....but don't worry, we're married, and you know married couples never do anything interesting. However, we did discuss how it would be amusing if somehow that bit of info got back to dirk and he decided to beat the crap out of sean lol.

Today was another fabulous evening in the havens, complete with the usual utterly delicious dinner and eating way too much food, along with a Holiday Light Fantasia show, and a tour of all 8 houses Sean's lived in in like one town. Sean's mom gave us presents, which was so sweet--I love Linda, I have decided that she is number 2 on my list of favorite moms other than my own (Mrs Flanagan of course being number one). Even better, she loves me! Lol.

Perhaps the most important moment that completely made this weekend the best? We found out (a little early, bc of a slip by Hubbard) that Sean decided to go to Umass, and not UVA. Everyone knows I was not-so-subtly encouraging him to choose UMass, so I'm ecstatic! Deep down I wanted him to choose what was best for him, but I really think being closer to home and having someone there already that he knows is good for him. Also, I'm a selfish girl who would prefer to not lose the best guy friend I've ever had to a school seven hours away, so yeah.

I decided I'm kinda glad that dirk wasn't around this weekend, because then i would have been more focused on the "am i getting laid tonight" thing... I would have missed a lot of the drunken fun, and I'm especially glad I was there to help with the whole RA situation. I would have felt awful if meredith and amanda had to deal with that on their own because i was off canoodling elsewhere. ooh, i said canoodling! lovely. Oh, I let him know I got him something from VIP, so now he feels like he needs to get me a gift. I really didn't want him to feel obligated to--i mean, I got him massage oil and some Duff mints, it's nothing extravagant. But I'm withholding judgment; who knows, I could be pleasantly surprised.

Ah yes, and I have a date for next saturday! That date being Sean and the destination the Winter Snowflake Semiformal or whatever the hell they call it. whoot!

Mentor Meeting

"There is no greater Love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." ~John's Gospel

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous; Love does not brag, is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." ~Corinthians 13 (Does this bring anyone back to HILL and the prayer dedications? This passage was always my default when I forgot to pick one. Ah, Mr. T. I miss those days.)

Tonight was my mentor meeting, up in Bellarmine after braving the furious winds. It really is a calming couple of hours, each time we convene to talk about whatever the gods of the IRC have decreed. this week it was just that, God, and our beliefs regarding him/her/it/other. Now, I had this mother nailed, since last week I wrote an 11pg tome on my religious beliefs. Actually he gave us the option of writing about a specific experience and how it shaped us, so I talked about my dad's death and how that impacted me spiritually, because it pretty much affected everything. Anyway, we had a nice dialogue about God and the church, and I was surprised to discover that all the kids in my group had sort of a feeling towards the church as i do, that's it's a good idea until they start trying to codify every aspect of human existence as they believe it relates to a body of writing, which is really only myths anyway.

After this we did St. Ignatius' Examen, which is a prayer/meditation ritual on the events of your day, looking at where you have gone wrong, where you have succeeded, what you have to be thankful for, what challenges you face, or what bad habits you engage in. Most of us were journaling during this time. This is what I wrote:

"Tommy is the challenge and the pain I face every day. It seems that a day rarely goes by that i dont think about him in some context, lost in some train of thought about the past, why things turned out the way they did, trying to explain to myself for the thousandth time what went wrong. Trying to figure out why it still hurts, wondering how long it will hurt. Realizing my own bitterness and cynicism when it comes to love--if "Love never fails" and we failed, does that mean there was never any love there at all? When will I learn to know the difference? Will I ever actually believe myself when I think I'm in love again, or will I second-guess everything? Will I always be waiting for the inevitable end?
I know I can't have love unless I open myself up to at least the possibility of pain. But it still hurts. Will I ever be able to think of him without that twinge of sadness? If I could ask God to lift one thing from my shoulders, it would be this. Funny how after I faced the pain of my dad's loss I thought no other pain could ever sting so strongly. Turns out there are a lot of kinds of pain. I want to be strong, I want to trust myself and be happy. This is the help I ask God for."

I realized that thinking about the past is my bad habit. I become lost in it, trapped by it. My commitment to myself is that whenever I think about mistakes past or painful memories, I will make myself think of three happy things in the here and now. And there are so many--my cats, Sara's 'Cactuar' impression, shiny things, my friends, poetry, my favorite pieces of art, my favorite movies, Johnny Depp, Dirk!

Speaking of Dirk, I have formulated my thoughts on the subject. I know there are some of you who are expecting that I'll forgo my "no boyfriends" policy for him, but no, I won't, not in the near future anyway (I don't know if he even wants to make this serious, but since guys tend to get like that, I'm preparing for all contingencies). Yes I like hooking up with him, like spending time with him, I like him in general, but no, not again. I've had three guys become boyfriends after I started hooking up with them first--that's apparently how things are done these days, who knew--and I've decided while that may be the new natural way to start things off, it's not necessarily the smartest. The way you are when you're alone with someone may be great, you may click completely and connect on a deeper level etc etc, but what really matters is how you relate to one another in the real world. As in, how you deal with each other's friends and separate schedules, lives, hometowns, etc. That's the real test of a relationship, not how cutesy and adorable everything is in private. I've learned that. Therefore, this time, I am taking things slowly. If something is meant to happen between us, there's no need to rush it. If we come back after the break and things are still good, we can see where we'll go from there. Also, thinking more practically, it's dumb to start anything before you separate for a month (he's told me I should come to jersey several times. he better be joking.). I have no interest in hooking up with anyone else over break, but I'm not going to make a commitment, and I don't expect him to. If something happens, I don't particularly want to know about it, and if I did something, I wouldnt feel obliged to inform him either (as Sean pointed out, guys hate knowing that stuff, even if you're just hooking up).

Oh, just so we're clear--the taking it slow thing refers to the emotional aspect, not the physical. If he weren't home sick right now, well, I had already made plans with Carla about saturday, but oh well, looks like neither me nor rae will be getting laid this weekend (although i think rae needs it a bit more than me, two years is a LONG time to wait). Lol I told him about what he's missing out on this afternoon. He now has a powerful motivation to get well soon. He also mentioned that he's lost ten or fifteen pounds since he's been sick--I mean, the kid was 225 or something, but still, jesus. I told him he can go on a steady diet of ice cream and candy when he gets back. Oh, and again like every guy I've ever hooked up with and/or dated, he wants a picture of me (which is technically fair, since I have several of him. Even my mom's seen them lol. She, btw, pronounced him gorgeous, which is interesting because even with greg, who I personally consider the best looking guy I've dated, she only called him 'cute' and 'good-looking'. I think it's because he's all big and muscled--she said that was "impressive". oh, mrs d.) I still hate pictures of me. Can't help it. I like my facebook pic until pete told me i looked like a mouseketeer!!

ok this has been a very long post. Oh well. Thank you for reading, please come again.

"There is no greater Love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." ~John's Gospel

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous; Love does not brag, is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." ~Corinthians 13 (Does this bring anyone back to HILL and the prayer dedications? This passage was always my default when I forgot to pick one. Ah, Mr. T. I miss those days.)

Tonight was my mentor meeting, up in Bellarmine after braving the furious winds. It really is a calming couple of hours, each time we convene to talk about whatever the gods of the IRC have decreed. this week it was just that, God, and our beliefs regarding him/her/it/other. Now, I had this mother nailed, since last week I wrote an 11pg tome on my religious beliefs. Actually he gave us the option of writing about a specific experience and how it shaped us, so I talked about my dad's death and how that impacted me spiritually, because it pretty much affected everything. Anyway, we had a nice dialogue about God and the church, and I was surprised to discover that all the kids in my group had sort of a feeling towards the church as i do, that's it's a good idea until they start trying to codify every aspect of human existence as they believe it relates to a body of writing, which is really only myths anyway.

After this we did St. Ignatius' Examen, which is a prayer/meditation ritual on the events of your day, looking at where you have gone wrong, where you have succeeded, what you have to be thankful for, what challenges you face, or what bad habits you engage in. Most of us were journaling during this time. This is what I wrote:

"Tommy is the challenge and the pain I face every day. It seems that a day rarely goes by that i dont think about him in some context, lost in some train of thought about the past, why things turned out the way they did, trying to explain to myself for the thousandth time what went wrong. Trying to figure out why it still hurts, wondering how long it will hurt. Realizing my own bitterness and cynicism when it comes to love--if "Love never fails" and we failed, does that mean there was never any love there at all? When will I learn to know the difference? Will I ever actually believe myself when I think I'm in love again, or will I second-guess everything? Will I always be waiting for the inevitable end?
I know I can't have love unless I open myself up to at least the possibility of pain. But it still hurts. Will I ever be able to think of him without that twinge of sadness? If I could ask God to lift one thing from my shoulders, it would be this. Funny how after I faced the pain of my dad's loss I thought no other pain could ever sting so strongly. Turns out there are a lot of kinds of pain. I want to be strong, I want to trust myself and be happy. This is the help I ask God for."

I realized that thinking about the past is my bad habit. I become lost in it, trapped by it. My commitment to myself is that whenever I think about mistakes past or painful memories, I will make myself think of three happy things in the here and now. And there are so many--my cats, Sara's 'Cactuar' impression, shiny things, my friends, poetry, my favorite pieces of art, my favorite movies, Johnny Depp, Dirk!

Speaking of Dirk, I have formulated my thoughts on the subject. I know there are some of you who are expecting that I'll forgo my "no boyfriends" policy for him, but no, I won't, not in the near future anyway (I don't know if he even wants to make this serious, but since guys tend to get like that, I'm preparing for all contingencies). Yes I like hooking up with him, like spending time with him, I like him in general, but no, not again. I've had three guys become boyfriends after I started hooking up with them first--that's apparently how things are done these days, who knew--and I've decided while that may be the new natural way to start things off, it's not necessarily the smartest. The way you are when you're alone with someone may be great, you may click completely and connect on a deeper level etc etc, but what really matters is how you relate to one another in the real world. As in, how you deal with each other's friends and separate schedules, lives, hometowns, etc. That's the real test of a relationship, not how cutesy and adorable everything is in private. I've learned that. Therefore, this time, I am taking things slowly. If something is meant to happen between us, there's no need to rush it. If we come back after the break and things are still good, we can see where we'll go from there. Also, thinking more practically, it's dumb to start anything before you separate for a month (he's told me I should come to jersey several times. he better be joking.). I have no interest in hooking up with anyone else over break, but I'm not going to make a commitment, and I don't expect him to. If something happens, I don't particularly want to know about it, and if I did something, I wouldnt feel obliged to inform him either (as Sean pointed out, guys hate knowing that stuff, even if you're just hooking up).

Oh, just so we're clear--the taking it slow thing refers to the emotional aspect, not the physical. If he weren't home sick right now, well, I had already made plans with Carla about saturday, but oh well, looks like neither me nor rae will be getting laid this weekend (although i think rae needs it a bit more than me, two years is a LONG time to wait). Lol I told him about what he's missing out on this afternoon. He now has a powerful motivation to get well soon. He also mentioned that he's lost ten or fifteen pounds since he's been sick--I mean, the kid was 225 or something, but still, jesus. I told him he can go on a steady diet of ice cream and candy when he gets back. Oh, and again like every guy I've ever hooked up with and/or dated, he wants a picture of me (which is technically fair, since I have several of him. Even my mom's seen them lol. She, btw, pronounced him gorgeous, which is interesting because even with greg, who I personally consider the best looking guy I've dated, she only called him 'cute' and 'good-looking'. I think it's because he's all big and muscled--she said that was "impressive". oh, mrs d.) I still hate pictures of me. Can't help it. I like my facebook pic until pete told me i looked like a mouseketeer!!

ok this has been a very long post. Oh well. Thank you for reading, please come again.

When We Two Parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?—
With silence and tears.

--Lord Byron

Happy Thanksigving

I Am Thankful For:

1.) My friends: always and forever, near or far, at home and at school. I'd be dead at the bottom of a ditch without you! (what wonderful imagery, I know)
2.) Roommates, past, present and future!
3.) My family: deranged they may be, they are still my one and only.
4.)My cats, those precious little bundles of fur that remind me how wonderful it is to love and be loved
5.) Shiny things (you knew this was coming)
6.) Alcohol. Yes, I dared to put it on my list because hey, I enjoy it, why not?
7.) Books. I love them! I can't get enough of them! (I got several new ones today, can you tell)
8.) Music, for life would be quite dull without it
9.) Electric blankets that keep you warm on cold nights
10.) Johnny Depp, the thought of whom will also keep you warm
11.) Sunsets, especially ones with the deep pink and purple tones
12.) Art, because it's worth something to me even if my family doesn't agree!
13.) Poetry, same reason as above
14.) Bubble wrap. Insanely fun to pop.
15.) Dirk. Yeah, half of you are probably rolling your eyes, but he makes me happy and I'm enjoying whatever it is we have going on, so here he is.
16.) Chocolate, because I'm female
17.) Cosmo, because it is my gospel
18.) Life, because I have it, and it's wonderful.

Heatherlicious

The weekend of Heather and Suzie has come and gone, but happily I'll be seeing both of them on Friday, since Suzie is coming to windsor for the weekend! whoo!

So let's see....we watched a lot of VH1's Retrosexuals, Heather and Suzie gorged themselves in the dining hall to take full advantage of the all you can eat policy, raucously occupied Sex Room #1 while the boys were playing poker in the commons, waited outside for an hour and a half to sit in the fourth row to see Dane Cook, watched Bridget Jones' Diary so that everyone could either bemoan or rejoice in being a "singleton" (i say lift your voice and sing, people, cause this is the life!!) and oh yes, we watched VIVID VIDEO.

For anyone who doesn't know, vivid video is the same brand that produced the horrible cheesy porn that mel's old boyfriend ted left behind, subject of much amusement. This particular one was new, Best of Raylene, who was attractive but had some scary, scary body parts, ie worst breast implants ever and, well, let's not get descriptive about down south. Anyway I borrowed this cinematic gem from dirk after having previously viewed it in his room. the difference between watching porn in the company of men and the company of women is that when you're with one or more guys, you're trying to keep your laughter and/or criticism to a minimum so they don't say "oh you're just jealous". oh boy, we are NOT. when you're with a group of girls, you can just sit back and make fun of the noises they're making, or listen to heather's commentary on wardrobe choices, or just stare in disbelief at how utterly unattractive the male porn stars are, and honey WHY would you let that butt-ugly homeless crack addict do that to you in your backyard!?? except in this case we wound up watching it with a trashed Mark and then a not-so-trashed dirk. I got the feeling they were distinctly surprised by the way we were acting, but no one cared. Eventually all the guys showed up, even JD and Sluka. Good times, but they whine too much about how they never get any. Try talking to girls sometime. Well Dirk wasn't complaining. Lol.

Secret Santa Gift List (Use Wisely)

Sean
Historical Linguistics by Larry Trask
A Social History of English by Dick Leith
Amaretto
condoms
gift certificates for acceptable clothing (can you tell which of these i added myself?)

Amanda
things that are pink
snowglobes
disney
Anne McCaffrey-style authors with women heroines
white chocolate Godiva, esp white chocolate strawberry truffles

Mike
things with musicals
no weird word games
100 Greatest Musicals of Alll Time
Lord of the Rings
trivia related things

Meredith
Sex and the City paraphenalia
art stuff
she says give her anything and apparently she means it
so give her anything
and she'd better be grateful
because she wouldn't give suggestions!!

TJ
(to be updated later)

Michelle
pirates
shiny things
Johnny Depp
milk chocolate covered caramels from Munsons
art: el greco, michelangelo, john william waterhouse
billy collins

also missing Mike W, James, Lauren and Andrew

A Poem a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Musing

It is almost night;
I see my reflection in the window
—at this moment I am beautiful—
and wonder if someone
passing below might look up
and fall in love with my profile,
like in the stories of old.
I try to concentrate
on the task at hand,
all the while holding myself just so.
Still, I cannot help
but glance up every so often
just to see if there is anyone
out there carrying a violin,
or perhaps a piece of paper
with a love poem on it.
One face turns up to mine,
then quickly hurries on.
Possibly he was intimidated
by my perfect Greek pose,
by the composure of my hands
and spine,
or perhaps, feeling his pockets,
he realized that the poem
he had written for me
had fallen out,
lost somewhere
among the growing shadows.

I wrote that during exams last year, while I should have been studying in the library. You know me and getting distracted. Heather reminded me of it with a poem she wrote about how when she finds herself prettiest when she catches her reflection in a mirror across a club or a subway car window.

She's coming in two days!!! Oh I'm so excited...and she's bringing Suzie!!

Titles Are Too Much Trouble

You know what? I'm feeling ridiculously lonely right now. Sometimes it all comes down to who you can hug.

Sara squarepants: you'll always have our love
the lazarus cat: thanks
Sara squarepants: just think of a little me, sitting on your keyboard

Sara tells me that someday I'll find that "missing piece", like she did with Pat, and then it'll be ok, and I'll understand why things were the way they were. I told her how I generally push thoughts of him out of my head and refuse to think of him because it hurts, whereas she prefers to "ruminate" on things. I think I know what my missing piece is, I know it but I don't feel it.

In the beginning of the movie Practical Magic, the two little girls watch their aunts performing a spell for a desperately lovesick woman. A bird has to be sacrificed for this, and the girls watch in horror. One of the little girls, soon to be Sandra Bullock, whispers "I never want to fall in love." The other, soon to be Nicole Kidman, whispers back "I can't wait to fall in love." I used to be one of those little girls, now I suppose I'm more the other. It's not that I'm a cynic who doesn't believe in love--all I have to do is think of Rae and AJ, the happiest couple I know. Love is very real. However, the practical side of me is the side that's tired of love, the side that says alright, we've tried this a few times, hasn't quite worked out--let's focus on something else now, please. I'm young and it's a big world. I'm sure there's plenty of heartbreak in my future, but why invite it in?

My friends said that one of my flaws was not expressing my emotions, the more complex ones, anyway. It's true to some extent, but it's also true that some friends know more about those emotions than others. I've never been an open book, what can I say. Actually, this journal has been the most faithful record of my emotions. When I go back and read it I can trace so much of how I felt through the years (yes years, it'll be three years this winter).

Also, I noticed recently that I do use my sarcasm as a defense mechanism sometimes (what a cliche!) It's not very often, but when I feel vulnerable I tend to do it. Like how I'm much more sarcastic with Pete and the guys than I am with my other friends, even the boys, because after all I'm the only girl and the outsider, and they're all sarcastic anyway. I also tend to be very sarcastic with Dirk, probably because I'm doing everything I can to avoid all the complications of...whatever. Whether or not this is a good course of action, only time will tell, and I'm sure you'll have your own opinion.

Right now I can imagine absolutely nothing better than being curled up watching movies with Heather and Rae in the Flanagan's living room, eating Mama Flanagan's brownies and snuggling and talking. Sara, you will be missed over vacation, but we all know love doesn't diminish over the miles, even in Jersey. You'll still be one of the things I'm so very thankful for.

Grapes

Mark told the other guys today that he's transferring. They were upset, obviously. They're a pretty close bunch (Wendy pointed out that's partially bc they have few other friends) and I feel sad for them that they're going to lose him. I'll miss him too, but not as much as I'm going to miss Sean. How sorrowfully ironic that I feel closer to him with each passing day, when each day is bringing his time here closer to its conclusion.

However, if there's one thing my friendships have taught me, it's that if you have a strong foundation, there's nothing that relationship can't overcome. I remember my sister warning me in eighth grade that Sara and I would never remain friends in high school, after she and her former best friend no longer spoke or even associated (my sister's best friend at St. Gabe's was Gigi, the beautiful future cheerleading captain at Northwest. i kid you not.) But we remained friends, even through some very strained times, and she's one of my best friends now. I worried similar things about Rae and Heather after we graduated, but they're still my best friends too. And yes, we are different in our relationships because we're girls, but I still think Sean and I will continue to be friends, even if (god forbid) he goes to UVA.

I just remembered that "uva" means grape in spanish. Random knowledge, anyone?

It's Been A While, Why Not

[ Name ]: Michelle
[ Born in ]: Hartford
[ Resides in ]: Windsor and Fairfield, CT
[ Good student? ]: always
[ Eyes ]: brown
[ Hair ]: brown
[ Shoe size ]: 8.5?

Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: last week I was being chased by several monsters, including my old favorite, the dinosaur, and a jaguar
[ Said "I love you" and meant it ]: On the phone with my mom
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: over the summer sometime
[ Dyed your hair ]: hmm...probably that time in high school when I dyed it black to see if anyone could tell. the answer was no.
[ Brushed your hair ]: hour ago
[ Washed your hair ]: this evening
[ Cried ]: August
[ Called someone ]: my mom, today
[ Smiled ]: walking back from dirk's room a few minutes ago
[ Laughed ]: same as above (quietly and to myself of course)
[ Talked To Your ex]: whenever i last saw andrew, i guess

[Do You...]
[ Smoke? ]: never ever ever
[ Do drugs? ]: no
[ Have sex? ]: *ignores the smirks* yes
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ] sort of, they're kinda just there
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ] yeah, the dinosaur thing! what's up with that?!
[ Play an instrument? ]: ha--no
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: probably
[ Read the newspaper? ]: NYTimes
[ Have any straight friends? ]: yeah...
[ Have any gay friends?]: no
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: Ah, tough question. Insofar as you can't control how you feel, love can't be a mistake, but the way it affects you can definitely cause you to make mistakes.
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: That apples stuff is sweeet
[ Believe in God? ]: yes
[ Pray? ]: not really
[ Go to church? ]: no
[ Have any secrets? ]: yes
[ Have any pets ]: two cats and the Demon Dog
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: no
[ Wear hats? ]: never
[ Have any piercings? ]: one in each ear
[ Have any tattoos? ]: no
[ Hate yourself? ]: hate, no. dislike myself yes.
[ Have an obsession? ]: yeah (PB,TFB, Johnny)
[ Have a secret crush? ]: not particularly
[ Collect anything? ]: books, I guess
[ Have a best friend? ]: I have many
[ Like your handwriting? ]: what's not to like?
[ Have any bad habits? ]: Coke addiction
[ Care about looks? ]: yes (here's where the dislike part generally comes into play)
[ Believe in witches? ]: not the hag type
[ Believe in Satan? ]: not really
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: eh....undecided

01. Fallen for your best friend? no
02. Made out with JUST a friend? many times
03. Been rejected? not that i can recall *knock on wood*
04. Been in love? yes
05. Been in lust? yeah baby
06. Used someone: no
08. Cheated on someone? no
09. Been cheated on?not to my knowledge
10. Been kissed? yeah
11. Done something you regret? many things. actually no, i can't really think of that many, because in the long wrong, many of the mistakes I've made, though embarassing or painful, served to teach me good lessons, so not having done them wouldn't have acomplished much.

Who was the last person...
12. You touched? Dirk (yes, say what you will, people)
13. You talked to? my roommate
14. You hugged? Dirk
15. You instant messaged? Sean
16. You kissed? Dirk (theme here)
17. Made you cry? Tommy
18. You yelled at? my mom, jokingly
19. You laughed with? my roommate
20. You had a crush on you? huh?
21. Who broke your heart? let's suck it up and be honest--Tommy, but see number 11

Do you...
22. Color your hair? no
25. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? no
26. Floss daily? um...sometimes
27. Own a webcam? no (thinks of rae and giggles madly)
28. Ever get off the damn computer? to eat and sleep
29. parlare italiano? not till junior year
30. Habla espanol? un poco
40. Considered a life of crime? I'd enjoy the clothing and the stormy castle
41. Considered being a hooker? yes...long ago, sara and i decided to form a prostitution ring and take over the streets of Hartford. never really got off the ground though--yo, S-Lo, what's up with that??
42. Considered being a pimp? not really
43. Are you psycho? no
44. Split personalities? no
45. Schizophrenic? no
46. Obsessive? no
47. Obsessive compulsive? no
48. Panic? no
49. Anxiety? not really
50. Depressed? rarely
51. Suicidal? no
52. Obsessed with hate? no
53. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? what!
54. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? Jesus H Christ
56. What would you be doing? ....makes no sense
58. What are you listening to? nothing
59. Can you do anything freakish with your body? I have double jointed fingers
60. Chicken or fish? chicken
61. Do you have a favourite animal? cats and penguins

Current Clothes: pjs
Current Mood: tired
Current Taste: toothpaste
Current Hair: down
Current Annoyance: neck cramp
Current Smell: popcorn
Current thing I ought to be doing: sleeping?
Current Desktop Picture: Sistene Chapel, one of the Sibyls
Current Favorite Groups: Postal Service
Current Book: rereading Memoirs of a Geisha
Current Refreshment: none
Current Worry: don't really have one
Current Crush: Johnny
Current Favorite Celebrity: see above

FAVORITE...
Food: eh, pasta
Drink: Coke
Color: blue, red, black
Shoes: pink sneakers
Candy: Milky Way
TV Show: South Park, Gilmore Girls
Dance: none
Vegetable: cukes
Fruit: strawberries....but only the kind that are red and edible.

ARE YOU...
Understanding: i hope so
Arrogant: sometimes
Insecure: yes
Interesting: i think so
Hungry: not right now
Friendly: yes
Smart: yes
Moody: on occasion
Independent: yes
Hard working: usually
Organized: fairly so
Healthy: pretty healthy
Emotionally Stable: yes
Shy: rarely
Difficult: depends who you ask
Attractive: usually
Bored Easily: depends on what im doing
Thirsty: not right now
Responsible: yes
Sad: not generally
Happy: yes
Trusting: mmm i guess so
Talkative: oh yeah
Original: i try
Different: naturally
Unique: isnt this the same?
Lonely: no

Nicknames: Michaela, Michelly, Michelle my Belle, Nemesis
Birthday: 10/1/85
Siblings: Jen
Righty or lefty? Southpaws unite!
What's your sign? libra

On Dating...
Long or short hair? depends on the guy. Still not a fan of men shaving their heads.
Tall or short? taller than me, no shorties
Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Funny? a combination
Dark or light eyes? dark usually
Pierced or no? eh
Freckles or none? none
Stubble or neatly shaved? stubble may look hot, but shaved is nice and soft
Accent or American? oh, accents, i wish

On preferences...
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? hot chocolate
McDonalds or Burger King? dont care
Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? well my perfect husband would also be a perfect friend, so that one
Sweet or sour? sweet
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? root beer
Sappy/action/comedy/horror? comedy
Cats or dogs? cat!
Ocean or Pool? ocean
Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? ew
Mud or Jell-O wrestling? KY jelly wrestling!!
With or without ice-cubes? without
Shine or rain? shine
Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? fall
Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
Snowboarding or skiing? I've never done either
Cake or cookies? cookies
Cereal or toast? cereal
Gloves or mittens? gloves
Eyes open or closed? open
Fly or breathe under water? fly
Bunk-bed or waterbed? bunkbed...waterbeds--haha greg
Chewing gum or hard candy? chewing gum
Motor boat or sailboat? motor boat
Lights on or off? off

Cocktails, Anyone?

This morning I went to my 8am class half-dead as usual, only to discover I had mistaken the due date on a paper and it was due right then. Luckily the gods smiled upon me and Martorella told me to bring the paper I "forgot to print out" next class. I wrote it tonight, on gender stratification in music--I chose 50 Cent's "Magic Stick". Ironically, the worst comments come from Lil' Kim, who basically encourages women to use sex to get the material wealth they obviously are incapable of earning their damn selves. Alright, yes, a Lamborghini would tempt many a lady, and I'm not above using our entirely fictional marriage to coerce Sean into buying me shiny things, but still, ladies, we have to draw the line between "sexual liberation" and just being a ho. The best line: "Lil' Kim not a whore/ But I sex a n**** so good, he gotta tell his boys". Well darling, if exchanging "the minks, the leathers" for sex isn't being a whore, I don't know what is. And this from a girl who scored 100% on the virgin/whore test!

Tonight I went to a poetry reading and walked home with the strange sensation of being warm despite the cold. The mood that poetry brings over me is like a blanket of thought and imagination and sensation, the kind that brings pensiveness and the desire to be alone with your keyboard, a soft chair, and some good music.

I love it when men, friends and lovers alike, are sweet in the randomest ways, in the ways you don't expect.

Best Weekend Ever?

At the very least, the most scandalous one since we've been back...booze, drunken IMing, co-ed sleepovers, ninja fights...all the good stuff. Unfortunately I left around midnight to go "dirking" and so much of the scandal ocurred afterward! How ironic that the so-called pure ones were sleeping with men and I was not, merely because I was really warm and wanted my bed to myself. Didn't stop me from having one hell of a good time, naturally. :-)

Whew

Today has been a very busy day...after work Meredith, Amanda, Sean and I braved the crappy weather conditions--and Sean's manic driving on 95--to go shopping in Meriden. The girls went to Forever 21 to buy more interesting (read: provacative) clothes, and I took Sean to Filene's Men store to purchase more age-appropriate clothing. Half an hour and one hundred dollars later, Sean emerged presently surprised and I elated at the progess. We're working in baby steps here, since he refused to try the sexy striped button-down shirts I think are wonderful and hates jeans and the like, but when he came out of the dressing room in a casual, long-sleeved dark blue shirt and dark pants, I was quite impressed, and so was the saleslady! This woman, btw, thought Sean and I were together, and advised me at the register that he was a keeper, and that she could just "tell" when couples were good together. Hahaha.

After this we proceeded to Sean's house to show off the clothes (I have further gained the admiration of Sean's mom and grandma lol PLUS the recipe for broccoli bread), and then we ended up going lazertagging. We split up with us three girls against Sean, TJ and the Mikes, and yeah, we lost three games to one. No fair--and Amanda's asthmatic, the fog machine nearly finished her!

After an abortive attempt to play Disney Trivia (I totally suck at it, because I never saw so many of the movies, like Pocahontas, Oliver, Hunchback of Notre Dame), we ended up having a conversation about the differences between men and women, sex, relationships, etc--all the thinsg that make me sincerely grateful that I have cool guy friends who will be totally candid about this kind of stuff. Even if we established that our guys aren't exactly typical of the standard FU male and we're not typical of the standard female, it still is interesting.

Oh, my guys friends have invented a new word: "dirking". Three guesses what THAT refers to. I love how everyone's surprised when I'm still around at like midnight, like "Oh. Shouldn't you be over at Dirk's?" Jesus, people, I am not a machine! The boys were all here and drinking in his room, I was tired, and yes, I did have a headache. Oh but tomorrow Carla's going to a theater toga party and staying at a friend's overnight. Meow. Tomorrow is drinking night for us (not tonight out of deference to popham's bday celebrations). Wheeeee!

Me

For tonight's IRC mentor meeting, you were supposed to have letters written about you, one by a friend and one by a family member. Sean is currently in the process of writing my epic description (he initially proposed a comparison to Mary Magdelene. Except, you know, she's a whore.) and my mom's arrived today in the mail. And on this minute piece of stationery, in her perfect script, was her description of me:

"My daughter's strengths are many: she is very articulate and excels at writing. She is loyal and has integrity; she is witty; she is honest and a hard worker, especially when working on something that interests her. She is creative and loves to debate. She is smart and quick to pick up on concepts, and when it suits her she is a perfectionist.
Her weaknesses are: she doesn't like confrontation; she avoids discussing topics that disturb her. If someone or something bores her she has no patience for it. She doesn't like to reveal her emotions and she can't abide stupid people."

Well go mom! She certainly pegged me pretty well. I don't like confrontation, that's true, especially at home where confrontation was the norm once upon a time. She tells me that I inherited my dad's problem with anger management; I'm not good at letting it out slowly, so it builds until it just explodes. As for not talking about what disturbs me or not revealing my emotions, I think that speaks more toward our particular relationship than myself in general. I'm generally open with my emotions with my friends, and there's little I haven't talked about with one person or another. However, my mom and I don't have that buddy-buddy relationship some girls do with their parents. We have a lot of serious, intelligent conversations, and we joke around a lot, but rarely do we touch upon deep emotions because it's just not quite as comfortable. I have a sense that she might be referring to my dad by this; although we've naturally discussed him a lot over the years and have come to some interesting/painful conclusions about him, I don't think she feels like I've ever "let her in", so to speak.

Then there's the fact that my mom doesn't know a whole lot about my life. Well, to be fair we're not quite sure what she knows or what she suspects. By now I do know that she is at least vaguely aware I drink, and trusts me to do so responsibly, but it's a running joke in our family that we're very micro-managed and Mom doesn't know the particulars most of the time. For example, if you do that "it's 10pm, do you know where your children are?" thing, there's a good possibility my mom either has no idea, or she did before but now can't remember. This of course benefits me, since I have enjoyed freedoms in these last four years that most teenagers never get. Sometimes, though, I do wish that I could call my mom and she'd know certain things about what was going on in my life without me having to explain them again and again. For instance, when I tell her stories about my school friends, I often have to describe them to her again because she's forgotten which one that is or why this is important. She seems to sort of forget Sean after every bad story I tell about him. Lol.

I suppose I must have some sort of ADD after all--both my mom and that personality test concur that as long as something interests me I will work diligently at it, but if it bores me I will lose patience rapidly. This is not to say that I have to be totally enraptured in whatever I'm doing to concentrate; as long as I'm even interested on a remote, intellectual level, it'll do. Otherwise how would I do so well in classes I have little interest in? (Ok things like calculus, ap physics, those things were flukes, we all know it) I guess in those cases the interest is my on-again, off-again perfectionism (Oh speaking of which, that woman should not be complaining about me being a perfectionist, after years of that "You got a B+? Why wasn't it an A?" jibba-jabba she learned so well from my dad). I'll write my papers well and strive to get good grades because that is what I like to do, I guess. But when it comes to activities or people that bore me, well, there goes that.

Oh, and finally, probably the most telling of my faults: that I can't abide stupid people. So true. Wrapped up in this is the intellectual elitism that comes from always being one of the smart kids (HILL, 16 smartest kids in the class, what?), the intellectual snobbery that leads you to prefer the company of other smart people, and, though you may not intend it, the effect of making other people feel inadequate because you're intelligent. I generally do not purposely use large words or make really obscure references to literature or history because I'm trying to make other people feel bad. That's just how my mind works. In fact, one thing I really dislike about people is when they complain repeatedly (JULIE) that I use too many big words, because I feel like saying, "why should I dumb myself down for you?" Being a compulsive reader as a child--and now--leaves with you not only a large vocabulary but a mind crammed with the most random bits of knowledge and trivia that I enjoy referencing, just like Heather likes referencing her massive knowledge of pop culture. I personally enjoy Heather's allusions to Rick James, Whitney Houston, Fraggle Rock and the like, because it's not something I know that much about and I wouldn't say, while Heather endured four years of me constantly spouting random things ("everything michelle says starts with "well, I read in this book that..." or "I was reading in this article that..'!!")

This is why people choose the friends they do. I have always gravitated towards people who either actively appreciate the way I am because they're that way too lol (Rae!) or people who just don't mind. Not that that hasn't caused problems, because like any fault it can become a big issue if things get out of hand. But anyway, I should finish this up and you know, put on clothes for class. So this is me, ladies and gentlemen, at least according to Mrs. D. I can't wait to see what Sean will say.

Weekend!

Friday night I went to see "The Incredibles" with meredith, mike and tj, while my other friends went to "Saw". I think we made the better choice--it was so funny. Afterward we star-gazed for a little while, despite the bitter cold and mike being scared of the dark. Last night we ended up playing Truth or Dare. Among the results: Mike screaming "anal sex" down our hallway, me yelling "I'm not a virgin" on the first floor, meredith re-enacting the orgasm scene from "When Harry Met Sally" (none of us could stand to listen), james dropping trou, meredith being shackled to her futon with my handcuffs...etc. It eventually wound up being a group Truth thing. One thing I asked was "who is the most unexpected person that you've found yourself doing something with in a dream" and Mike answered with "Michelle". Apparently we were driving in the Tahoe to get orange juice when he propositioned me in some fashion and I stopped the car in the middle of the highway and we proceeded to get it on. Yeah, I'm a slut even in dreams.

Irony: your roommate sleeps over at a friend's dorm two nights in a row, but the guy you hook up with chose that particular weekend to go home for a frat party.

Musings

Wendy came over tonight and me, her and Carla spent a couple of hours talking about men, relationships, sex, and all that sort of girl talk. We're a strange collection of girls...Carla has never had a boyfriend and wants one badly, and she's not into the random hookup idea, she believes in waiting for someone truly special. Wendy is jaded, to use her own term, and I'm kind of middle-of-the-road. I'm not quite cynical but I'm definitely not naive anymore either. I lean more towards cynical because my personality has always had the practical/cynical bent to it. It was just a blend of perspectives, from wanting a relationship, to wanting out of a relationship, to wanting the possibilities of relationships without the responsibilities...everything that us girls experience, I guess.

It's hard to be patient at this age, no matter what direction you're coming from. It's hard for Carla to be patient waiting for a nice guy to go out with and to cuddle with when she's drunk (she has a song to this effect), and I know it's hard for some of my other friends to wait too. It's hard for Wendy to figure out where she wants certain things to go in her life, and to overcome all the bad things that have happened to her in relationships previously. Me...I guess it's just hard not knowing quite what I should want. Sometimes I think I should wait...but wait for what, exactly? Will some messenger descend from Olympus and pronounce me ready for a relationship? I've learned before that it's when you stop looking and make yourself ok with what you have, that's when you find something. So I'd have to reach the point of readiness--and then make myself not care. Yeah that sounds simple. So I go on, and I do what I want with who I want, which I have made my mantra. Dirk went home to go to a frat party this weekend and naturally, the thought crossed my mind--do I be jealous? Or do I wish him the best, because I know that I wouldn't let the thought of him stop me from making advances on a hot guy at a party (were I going to any this weekend). Purely out of politeness, I don't think it's a great idea to be carrying on more than one hookup at once, but dallying here or there is obviously not verboten. I just don't want to know about it! I didn't wish him the best in so many words, but I did advise him to watch out for Sean's mistake, that if he wound up in the woods with a Finnish nun, check for poison ivy before doing the deed.

Oh yes, that was another consideration, whether I should semi-jokingly urge him to lose his Vcard at the frat, like sean, so that I wouldnt have to worry about (as my friends so eloquently term it) 'taking his flower'. I decided no, simply because I don't want to have to worry about him getting crabs from some skanky Scandinavian (ah, alliteration!) and also because, on some consideration, it might not be a bad thing to be someone's first. Oh, the number of times Michelle changes her mind on things. It could make your head spin. Honestly, what might seem hypocrisy in some instances (like how vehemently I insisted I didn't want to have sex outside of a relationship) was more of me trying to convince myself that's how I felt, as if the more I said it and the more people I said it to, the better I would be able to control myself. Didn't quite work.

I suppose my change of heart (outwardly, at least) is partly due to the recent focus on S-E-X around here. Ever since Sean lost his virginity it's been the hot topic. Suddenly I'm not the only one marked with the scarlet A! It's really nice that we can all talk openly about it, but the more you think about something, especially something you want, the more you want it!

Also, I agree with Carla. Possibly the nicest aspect about boys is cuddling with them. That trumps making out in so many instances--there have been many times while making out with various guys that I would have been perfectly content to just stop and lie there cuddling. Men, of course, don't understand this at all and want to keep on with the action. Alas! But I enjoy it greatly. Men smell good. This is of course awkward/amusing when the good-smelling man in question is, for example, TJ. Or Neil, who wears quite delicious cologne, but I try not to show how much I enjoy that for fear he will mistake it for interest in him (he has made his willingness in that department clear, but I enjoy his company and that is all). Cuddling, handholding etc is usually the benefit of a relationship, but it's nice even outside of one. Just walking arm in arm with Mike B, who is one of my closest guy friends, is very comforting somehow. Holding hands with Dirk while watching TV is just as pleasant. Human contact in general is soothing for most people, I suppose (unless you're my roommate, who is not touchy-feely until she is drunk, and then her philosophy is "HOLD ME!"). Hugs all around, people.

What Else? The Election

Ah, 2004, the year that was not our year. After four years of putting up with the Monkey, this nation's people voted to keep him in power. And after all the hoopla involving voter registration, only 18% of kids our age actually got out there and voted! If you're reading this right now and you are one of those irresponsible apathetics who said "wah wah they both suck i don't care the world is going to hell", I want to beat you with a stick until you cry for mommy, bitch! And if you didn't cast a vote, let's not hear ANY bitching from you people about what's going on the government, be it the war in Iraq, abortion rights, stem cells, what have you. You didn't want to make the simple effort to choose someone, anyone, then prepare to be told to SHUT THE FUCK UP for the next four years, cause none of us want to hear from you. I don't care if Bush sends you to the front lines of Iraq and your leg gets blown off by a mine. No goddamned bitching from you. You lose that right when you fail to participate in the political process.

This is Sean's away message:
Congratulations America, today you have proven that the most advanced country in the world is also the least intelligent. It boggles the mind as to how the majority of this nation could be so blind and vote for this fool.
You, the majority of Americans, have demonstrated that stupidity, ignorance, and arrogance are the qualities you most cherish in a president. These truly are "American" qualities.
Never before have I been this ashamed to be an American, and to all of you I say, may you accept the horrible fate you have chosen with the same ignorant earnest with which you chose it.

However, I noted to Sean that in swing states, voting for third party candidates probably helped Kerry to lose. It doesnt matter here in liberal New England, but if you're in a swing state, why not choose a viable candidate instead of wasting your vote next time.

Oranges

The first time I walked
With a girl, I was twelve,
Cold, and weighted down
With two oranges in my jacket.
December. Frost cracking
Beneath my steps, my breath
Before me, then gone,
As I walked toward
Her house, the one whose
Porch light burned yellow
Night and day, in any weather.
A dog barked at me, until
She came out pulling
At her gloves, face bright
With rouge. I smiled,
Touched her shoulder, and led
Her down the street, across
A used car lot and a line
Of newly planted trees,
Until we were breathing
Before a drugstore.
WeEntered, the tiny bell
Bringing a saleslady
Down a narrow aisle of goods.
I turned to the candies
Tiered like bleachers,
And asked what she wanted -
Light in her eyes, a smile
Starting at the corners
Of her mouth. I fingered
A nickle in my pocket,
And when she lifted a chocolate
That cost a dime,
I didn't say anything.
I took the nickle from
My pocket, then an orange,
And set them quietly on
The counter. When I looked up,
The lady's eyes met mine,
And held them, knowing
Very well what it was all
About. Outside,
A few cars hissing past,
Fog hanging like old
Coats between the trees.
I took my girl's hand
In mine for two blocks,
Then released it to let
Her unwrap the chocolate.
I peeled my orange
That was so bright against
The gray of December
That, from some distance,
Someone might have thought
I was making a fire in my hands.

~Gary Soto

Halloween

What a weekend, I drank three nights in a row and "entertained a guest" (Sean's new term for hooking up) two nights in a row! Plus I dressed up two nights in a row, Saturday night as a French maid (which was quite the hit) and last night as a sexy cat, which was not as hot as the maid, but what can you do, and it still looked good. Last night there was a dance, which I went to drunk and therefore had a great time dancing. I had to bring Sean back to my room to drink a bit before he'd agree to stay and loosened up enough to dance lol. Meredith was an 80s prom slut, Amanda was a slutty Red Riding Hood, Sean was Miami Vice, Andrew was the Joker, Mike B was a dog, my alter ego, James was a zombie, and Mike W was a Red Sox player. Good times, both tricks AND treats lol.

Oh yes, last night Carla informed me that while I'm not a slut, she does consider me kind of a ho. Gee, I feel all warm and fuzzy. Then Sean described me as a "predator", which he later qualified as being a good thing in comparison to all the other girls on this campus who aren't forward enough to suit him. You see what having sex does to people, it turns them into these wandering-eyes nymphos. I keep telling him he'll probably have more luck with the southern belles than he will with the "frigid northern bitches" lol.

Pronouncement

Sean has truly proved himself worthy of the title of Nemesis. I'm so damn proud of him. It cannot be expressed in words.

Last night was so much fun. The Warrens were a let-down, but I went over to drink with the boys. Dirk made some weird sour drink with vodka that tasted like a giant sweet tart, and i had 99 apples, which is really really good. Sluka was visiting from Marist, everybody got really drunk, Pete turned belligerent when Steve kicked him out of his room bc he smelled like cigarettes and we all hate that, and he's still arguing about it this morning. Oh, and Pete announced that he'd sleep with Dirk if Dirk drank some more, and that he'd pick Dirk over steve. So would I, but I wasn't about to announce that...oh yeah and dirk slapped my ass really hard when i was leaving the room at one point, and just reflexively i turned and smacked him upside the head, so this morning he was all apologetic cause i think he thought he hurt me. It didn't, but some things are just not appropriate to do in front of the little children. it's called "keeping it on the dl".

oh, and i might just be wearing a sexy french maid costume tonight in place of the kitty costume, i'll save that for tomorrow night. french maid + fishnets and high heels + alcohol + dirk = HOT.

http://community.webshots.com/photo/185487361/207785746skmiuR Dirk is the one on the right, for anyone who's interested in checking out michelle's latest fling. Meghan thinks he's hot, I think he's hot, my friends here don't know what's wrong with me, everyone has their own opinion!! lol.

My dream last night left me with a feeling of inexpressible sadness. I'm still confused about some things, I guess. Maybe some things are meant to be confusing. Maybe some people are, too. Then there are the ones you see all too clearly, the ones you know too well, the ones that make you tired with their inability to change themselves or their world.

Next semester I'm taking the following classes:

Shakespeare
Contemporary/Modern Philosophy
Intro to Catholicism (i have to take one more rel class for IRC, this better be so easy)
Comedy (an entire class on comedy! whee!)
Roman and Etruscan Art and Architecture

There are always beautiful things in the world to be enjoyed, and those far outweigh the few negatives that cloud our space. There is so much to anticipate, so much ahead to be reveled in, and always, so much to be thankful for.

World Series Begins!

What a nice weekend...friday none of the guys were around, so poker sadly was canceled, but we borrowed Terminator from dirk, which meredith had never seen. Last night Meredith and I played our game according to the runs scored. Ironically, we were the drunk ones yet we were NOT the ones singing show tunes, that was TJ and wendy. After the game--which we won, GO SOX--i attempted to sober up, succeeded marginally, and went over to dirk's room to watch the south park movie, which i'd never seen. I got back to my room at 5am and proceeded to sleep until 3 oclock this afternoon, when i woke up convinced carla had changed my clock as a joke. oh yeah, and i kind of lost my voice, bummer. That was the only reason I didn't stay over, I kind of figured I'd wake up sounding like a ninety year old and how sexy is that, i know. plus if i had slept till 3, well, that would have been awkward when steve and his mom came back. Also, Dirk is 6'3". You know who else was six three? Luke! so it would have worked out after all! Ah, lost opportunities....*gazes in the direction of Sacred Heart....except not knowing which direction that is...*

Oh, and he told me he loves my eyes. It was a nice moment.

Gotta Love My Friends

darkangelxrei : michelle, drink, watch the game, fool around with dirk
darkangelxrei : that is your schedule for saturday

rae, how naughty of you!

Weekend!

This weekend we went to the debate tournament at Harvard. The foliage farther north was so beautiful, I couldn't take my eyes off it. Luscious. Harvard itself was impressive, as always, and the tournament was definitely well-run, it was ON TIME, which never happens! This was Meredith and my debut as a team, and we did pretty damn well (4 out of 5). I enjoyed everything except the rain, which fell in copious amounts as we trekked through Cambridge to our lodgings. Rae scolded me for not letting her know I'd be coming in advance, but even if she'd come there wouldn't have been that much time I could have spent with her. Sorry! However, there is a tournament at PC next semester which I'm lobbying for us to go to....

After returning here yesterday, I faced the utter disappointment of watching the Sox lose 19-8. 19 to fucking 8!!! actually we didn't watch all the way through, at 12-6 I could no longer take it and we watched some episodes of Sex and the City. After midnight I returned to my room to entertain my guest (read: Dirk) which was quite fun. Nothing too scandalous occurred, since I was expecting Carla to return early. She ended up showing up at 3am totally smashed. Now, understand that Carla doesn't drink often and she's rarely ever been drunk. It was utterly hysterical, especially her seeing Dirk and saying "Who ARE you?? I don't know you!! Get out of my room!"

Oh, and tonight, as in in ten minutes, we're all headed to Sean's house in New Haven for a real Italian dinner, kindly provided by his wonderful grandma. Sweeet.

The Cult

The following is the official Ignatian Residential College website: http://faculty.fairfield.edu/jmayzik/irc/

Most of the photos are from the trips and retreats of last year's class (they went on a paintball trip! i wanna do that!!), but the "Our Residents" section has the name and photograph of all 200-odd people who live in Loyola (including a lovely one --not--of yours truly). So for those of you who don't go here, but still love me and want to know all about my life, you can now see pictures of my various friends, acquaintances, and "interests" (however I've learned that putting entire names up here is bad since it means you can be found on google, a la the shady move tommy pulled once upon a time, so if you want to know exactly who people are that I've mentioned, just ask). Also, the "Our Home" section has pictures of the dorm inside and out and also of the lovely commons area, which might be of interest to a certain petite individual who will probably not be visiting Fairfield for some time (yes you, Rae)

Don't bother reading the crap about what the college is about, unless you want to hear all about those three omni-present questions: "WHO AM I, WHOSE AM I, WHO AM I CALLED TO BE?" yeah, they repeat that like every time we're together, ever.

So yes, this is your introduction to IRC, if you should so desire it. yeah, we're a cult. damn proud of it.

Things Are (Mostly) Right With the World

I don't like being forced into doing things that I don't want to do, for the sake of others. These are the times when I understand Bush's desire to act unilaterally, because it's so difficult to reconcile the viewpoints that are held among your allies and decide on one course. If I could just act, and take the consequences solely upon myself, things would be much simpler. Unfortunately, the world has become more complicated than that.

I also hate it when people allow themselves to be misused or trampled upon by others. I hate watching people be doormats, it makes my blood boil! It makes me want to get revenge on their behalf, even though I can't. Even though I'd like to take the people responsible and beat them with a pipe. Grrr.

Remember what you're worth. Don't let anyone treat you as anything less than that.

Holiday

What a weekend.

Friday I came home to an empty house, which is always creepy after having been at school. Since my mom's van has been having trouble with the brakes, she was at work with my car, so I had to wait to go out until she came home at 11:30--meaning she got out and tossed me the keys, i hopped in and it was off for some GoldRoc goodness with my number one puerto rican lady. I love how we act like we're on crack when we're reunited. Side note--sara found out she's part black (paternal grandfather), so think of all the NEW jokes we can used!! 40s of malt liquor and fried chicken, yeaaah!!!

Saturday I did various errands and then returned to sara's, this time for dinner before the triple birthday party at stone's. here's where things get shady: brian had an "episode" with khara and was upset, so he proceeded to get drunk off his ass, which for brian is a pretty tall order. me and sara weren't really drinking since we'd been planning on going to heather's to sleep, but she showed up late declaring her intention to sleep there and drink. i wasn't really in the mood to drink anyway and i didn't want to leave sara as the lone sober individual, so i kept not drinking. we played various half-assed games, the longest of which being Never Ever Have I Ever, watched brian's skydiviing video and the video of the piggyback races (hysterical cause jess and jessi fall at the end and jess screams), etc. Anyway, brian was being pretty tolerable, except he kept trying to kiss me and grab my ass. I was gratified that various people, including Jess, kept shooing him away. eventually, though he tried to put his hand somewhere else--which Ms. Lugo saw and did not say anything to, just looked away and LAUGHED--and i was like gah, i refuse to put up with this all night! i was just not feeling it, and i'm sorry, my mind is elswhere, at least in terms of men (mmmm dirk). so sara and i said our goodbyes and slipped away when brian and matt went out for pizza around midnight. i get like five calls from deconti begging me not to leave so i turn off my phone. apparently he ended up passing out on the lawn for an hour. quality.

today i talked to him, he didn't remember a whole lot of what happened. he asked me flat out if i'm not interested and i said right now no. he was not pleased, especially since i "led him on" by kissing him in the kitchen after he gave me my present. ok number one, kissing occurs in our group all the time and is not meant to lead anyone on, and number two, yeah i did it mostly bc i felt bad for him bc of khara being a bitch. it's not like i threw him down on a couch and jumped on him, it was like a minute and then i walked away. i apologized if he felt led on, but apparently he was/is still pissed. that makes me upset, because i like brian's company, but i'm sorry, i'm not doing anything i don't want to do, and i'm sorry if he expects more.

anyway, before the shadiness occurred brian gave us our gifts--a bronson arroyo tshirt for jessi, sex toys *cough* for me and heather (no we did NOT request these, this is brian being brian) and handcuffs for me. on a less dirty note, today rae gave me a gorgeous silver necklace with a green amber pendant! love my little wellesley girl!

today it was--shocker--back to sara's once again, this time for a lovely puerto rican dinner with my three best friends. heather had to leave early to return to the city, but me, sara and rae spent hours just sprawled in the living room talking, me wearing the luscious wine-colored blanket as a poncho (it was declared an excellent color on me and plans were made to buy me a pashmir something or other for christmas) and cuddling with rae, and sara knitting--again, shocker. as always, it felt so good. parting was hard, since we won't see each other for another month, but plans have been made to attend the northwest catholic football game on thanksgiving day!! this was actually suggested by me, since i haven't seen northwest people in a while (read: the hot guys). i have such wonderful friends. we are, in sara's term, "golden".

meanwhile, the smell of baking banana bread is driving me mad with desire! yes, this is what drives me mad with passion, not johnny depp, just pounds of rotten bananas mashed into pulp and baked in an oven. mmmmm.

Footnote

At one point during my festivities, when we were playing spin the bottle, carla walked in with all her friends bc she thought i was in nyc already. I was just sort of embarassed to have all these girls find me playing it so i grabbed the bottle and hid it, and wendy started laughing, and carla looked kinda pissy and left for dolan. turns out she thought we were smoking pot!! lol. oops.

Nineteen

Let me open by saying, best birthday weekend EVER.

Friday: Went to play lazer tag in milford with some of my friends--this place was way cooler than lazer quest, mostly because instead of the usual free-for-all, it was in teams with an actual point, getting the other team's base and protecting your own. Six college kids versus three 12 yr old boys--you think it'd be a no-brainer. unfortunately, since we didn't figure out the point of the game till the third one, before whihc we were defending the wrong place and not looking for theirs, we definitely lost all four. oh well. rematch!

upon returning here, we watched robin hood: men in tights and i got some birthday presents, which were all great (i got exceptionally excited over andrew's, which was a string tribute to APC cd, and meredith's bc she bought me philadelphia story on dvd! first person to ever recognize the cary obssession!) then wendy showed up with rob and neil in tow, and we proceeded to drink and play spin the bottle (what else?).

now, i should mention here that for the last few days, we've been consulting meredith's magic 8 ball regularly, especially on the topic of whether i would be getting some on my birthday, even more specifically whether or not it would be dirk. the 8 ball consistently said i would, but honestly, i didn't really believe it, because it's dirk and he doesn't really talk much less flirt. anyway, so we're in my room and dirk actually IMs me, saying he got my screen name from pete, and blatantly asks me if he can come over and if i want to make out with him (my response, attempting to be nonchalant, was "sure why not"). he actually did come over, i was shocked. i got a photo of him wearing sara's scarf lol. anyway long story short we ended up going back to his room at 230 bc carla came home and told me to "take the debaucheries elsewhere" lol.

however, dirk had forgotten his room key and steve had locked it, so he had to go find him. meanwhile im sitting on the floor outside his room and pete comes out of his room (where dirk had just been) and asked if that had been a hickey on his neck (wendy's fault not mine!). so i guess i let slip whose handiwork that was, and of course they were all like what!! and i was about to flee when steve re-appeared and unlocked the door and they all went away and we locked ourselves inside. twenty minutes later steve tried the door, and twenty minutes after that steve AND mark tried it, bc i went and looked and they were most definitely listening at the door. pervs. i ended up going back to my room around 3:30 (i so would have stayed, but i had to be on a bus at 9:30am). come to find out today from dirk that the guys were assuming that this would be an all-night thing, so they'd already woken up duffy and had him set up his futon for him lol.

may i say here that dirk, for all his seeming like this huge macho guy who might be an asshole when you get him alone with a girl, is like the biggest pussycat ever. compared to a guy like deconti, who is pushy and shall we say whiny even when sober, he was so respectful even though he was drunk. amazing. anyway so i get back to my room to a teasing message from mark about my current activities, leave a scrawled message about "SECRET MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE 8 BALL WAS RIGHT!!!" on meredith and amanda's door, and fell into a deep sleep.....that was not very deep bc i kept waking up every hour or so freaking out that i'd missed the bus. it was one of those nights.

Saturday: on the bus to nyc at 930, checked out some crappy avant garde galleries in chelsea and wandered around a street tag sale for a while waiting for heather, who had issues with the express train. what more fitting place for michelle and flanny to be reunited but at a tag sale, i ask you? it was totally a kodak moment, too, i was looking at these bags and then i see a flash of red out of the corner of my eye, turn, and find heather running into my arms at full speed. it was so crazy!! worlds collided! i expected sara and rae to be popping up out of manholes or out of sketchy chinese restaurants! wild times.

so i traverse the city back to heather's apartment (which is sweet, she has a balcony, but also some moochy suitemates who steal her food and booze) where i met susie, who is such a sweetheart and definitely such a good roommate for heather ( i never met her roomie last year, but susie just rocks even though she loves nicole ritchie lol)! so we chilled, then we went to chinatown to meet up with steven, whom i love and whom i always sort of forgot how cute he is until i see him and then im like damn, steve, why are you gay, except then i realize that a part of his total coolness is that he likes the menfolk, so it's all good. apparently i chose the luckiest day EVER to visit, feast of the autumn moon or something was going on and all the little chinese places were selling their food for a dollar, and let me tell you, being able to stuff yourself,--and i mean STUFF-- for three bucks in new york city is damn near unheard of.

after this we went to warehouse liquors, where steven bought me heather's bday gift (vodka!) and then we went back to heather's. now i had had a massively crazy night the night before, very little sleep, bus ride, wandering around a city for hours with a backpack and then a wild day, so i opted out of going to Heaven, th gay club. i knew i wouldn't make it past two am, and i didnt want to be that annoying friend who's whining "take me home!" when everyone else is having fun. luckily heather was ok with just chilling, so we hung out with these cool girls, diane and sandy (diane is friends with ioanna who goes here, small world), went grocery shopping in the wee hours of the morning, and walked around st. mark's place mocking the punk kids. in short, i had such an awesome time, all the way up to when i basically passed out in heather's bed "among the fabrics" as she says (bc it's heather, you know there's like ten crazy quilts, blankets and afghans up in there) and spooned a sexy little redhead.

Sunday: wake up next to heather, eat a carb-counter waffle (who comes up with these things), bid adieu to heather's friends and nyu and head over to grand central, where a tearful goodbye was said to my heterolifemate, except not really tearful cause i will so be seeing her friday night! uneventful ride home, pinky was nice enough to come get me at the station, and i was home at last. i do like the city, it appeals to my ADD (sparkly stuff everywhere!) but let's face it, i'm a suburban girl at heart, i like my peace and quiet and i hate people. lol. but what an awesome bday weekend this was! christ almighty! (thanked him en route to nyc for the dirk thing, the JC really came through)

I realized this year that i really didn't care about getting gifts, there really wasn't anything i wanted besides the book my mom DIDN'T send me bc she let jen buy it, but whatever. i appreciated everything i got, but coming home from lazertag i just felt so content, like my bday could have ended right there and it would have been great (of course it continued, and then it was just plain kickass, but still). i felt so lucky to have that many friends around to celebrate my bday, and that people called me and left me singing messages!!! :-) im so looking forward to this weekend too--seeing rae and sara, party at stoner's on saturday night for all us october gal's and also to say bye to deconti before he leaves for a three week business trip. and to see my kitties again!!! i miss sapphire and cinnie-mini, i worry that they'll be lonely when everyone's gone. yeah i'm a cat lover, deal.

anyway so this long-ass entry needs to end soon....but let me add there has been no shadiness with the guys, i've talked to all of them online this afternoon and im going over to watch a movie in a bit. talked to dirk too--we're both definitely up for round 2. mrow.

Happy Birthday

Sean's away message:
Today we celebrate the birth of my self-appointed nemesis, Michelle. I will give you a little rundown of why we are engaged in such an eternal struggle between good (namely me) and her.

-I am born on the first day of the eighth month of the year, while she is born on the first day of what was formerly the eighth month of the year (she's not happy about being bumped to number 10)

-I hail from the culturally exciting southern part of the great state of Connecticut, while she comes from the God-forsaken north (once again, we have a war of northern aggression)

-Where my friends from home include a Saint, Alter Christus, and God, her friends are involved in the theft of state property (easy to see who is on the side of good)
However, I will lay down the white flag and extend the Happiest of Birthdays to Michelle.

best birthday message ever. i love sean.

Last Day

Today's the last day of being 18...and what a year it's been. With all that happened just in my first year of college, I have to wonder what I'll be saying another year from now. Hopefully I won't have made quite so many mistakes. Hopefully I'll be closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life.

As is customary, a card from my mom with 19 lotto tickets came in the mail today. I won two free tickets and two bucks. lol. What a winner!

Plans for tomorrow involve lazer tag, partying and my secret mission....according to meredith's magic 8 ball, things are looking good. keep your fingers crossed; this what i want for my birthday present.

Tempus Fugit

Leaves don't change in Fairfield with the same brilliance the rest of New England enjoys. Tha t is one of the downsides of living on the coast. Other things are changing, too, not all in ways that I am happy with. When you know your time with someone you love is short, what can you do but make sure they know how much you care, and let them go? This time, at least, I know that it's not forever.

Though I have said it here many times, I will say again that I have been incredibly blessed with the friends I have made throughout my life. May you always follow your own paths, even if it leads you away from me.

Magis

So, the retreat (it was called Magis, which means More in Latin). First off, the buses were five hours late picking us up because the company wrote down the wrong day, so our retreat started in Gonzaga auditorium and the quad, doing icebreakers and this personality test. The test sorted you into one of four color categories: Blue, Green, Gold and Orange. I was a Green, along with TJ, Sean, Steve and Duffy (more on why this is significant in a sec). We finally got to our destination, Iroquois Springs, at about 11pm. The camp was so amazing. I got all excited since I'd never been to sleepaway camp as a kid. This is apparently a ridiculously expensive camp, $3000 a kid! Everything was beautiful. Luckily for me I had a nice thermal sleeping bag, so I didn't freeze to death like a lot of other people (very cold there).

Anyway, the only thing we really did Friday night before adjourning for the bonfire was the personality thing. As the RHC read out the descriptions of each personality type, everyone of that color stood up. They gave general overview, good points and alos how other people might view you. To stereotype, the Blues (the majority of people, including Lauren, James and Mike) were the emotional crybaby types; the Golds (Meredith and Amanda) were the boring, predictable, orderly types; the Oranges ( no one I know) were the adventurous, irresponsible ones; and the Greens (me and the boys) were the practical, arrogant know-it-alls. Now, seeing as me, Sean and TJ recently formed the Triumverate of Evil (to avenge the kidnapping of TJ's Ewok by Mer and Mike, we kidnapped and hogtied Meredith's beloved Teddy), and that we all do indeed believe we are right 98% percent of the time, this totally fits. Looking at roommates was also interesting: James and Mike W. were both blues, Meredith and Amanda were both Golds, Sean and TJ are both Greens. Carla didn't go on the retreat due to a family thing, so I'm going to give her the test to see. Blues and Greens are supposed to be least compatible, but I'd bet that Wendy would be a blue lol.

The bonfire was fun--flashback to the HILL trip, Swetcky playing with glowsticks! Ah, if only Steve and Luke could have been there (realized my RA rory reminds me of Luke a bit, but a million times hotter). Saturday was also enjoyable, we spent time getting to know our mentor groups and bonding, writing in our journals, writing sarcastic messages in each other's journals (Sean dared to sign mine "God". Is he a true Green or what? I wrote him a reply message that only a remote tribe of pygmies in the Congo would ever be so naive as to consider him a deity, but also being cannibalistic they'd probably just consider him lunch.) Also had a chance to hang out with the guys at the bonfire. Dirk looked really good, he was wearing a tight fitting black exercise shirt. Had to restrain myself from just putting my arms around him. Meow. (Also, reason for recent "want to jump someone"-ness discovered: that time of month.)

Despite extreme fatigue upon return, managed to corral Steve, Pete and Mark into going to see "Sean of the Dead" with me. I was repeatedly mocked for getting scared and startled by stuff and squeaking and hiding my face. Steve said the entire row of chairs moved every time I flung myself backward in horror. The zombies like rip this guy apart and eat his intestines, the guys are laughing like it's the funniest thing ever, and I'm cowering next to Mark. Such a girl, but proud of it. We get back to find that Dirk, who refused the movie to my great annoyance, has managed to down no less than 18 shots in TWO HOURS. he's a big guy, weighs 270 lbs apparenty, but still, christ! I had three drinks and I was happy enough. Steve was upset only bc his mom was coming at 9am this morning bc it's his birthday tomorrow, and a drunk roommate would not be good. No word on how that went yet. Pete shockingly did not drink, he was actually the sober rational one, taking the bottle and hiding it in his room to keep Dirk away. Amusingly, Dirk managed to cream the other guys at Goldeneye despite being the drunkest one. Lol. Alas I had no chances to get Dirk by himself, seeing how there's always like ten guys around. Sigh. When they thought i was sleeping on the futon I heard him suggesting that they pelt me with pretzels, the little bastard.

Anyway so that was my weekend, now I have to get work done and draw some damn eggs. Whoot!