tonight was fun; i spent more time with wendy than i think i have since first semester! we never really see each other anymore since she has so many committments to theater and improv, so it was really cool to rediscover how funny and cute my roommate really is. i was finally initiated into the little club of people down the hall who wendy hangs out with almost every weekend. i knew all these people by sight and reputation but i'd never hung out with them before. it was interesting, i was naturally a little uncomfortable at first sitting in jared and pete's room with all these people i hardly knew, so i amused myself by going through pete's three huge binders of cds. he has like every fucking band ever. it was so cool. he said i could burn anything i wanted and therefore rose several notches in my esteem. he also had the movie version of "the world according to garp" which i had to borrow since i literally just finished reading the book a few days ago!

tonight was also michelle's first time doing shots. before anyone gets worried, no drunkenness was involved, and in fact i felt less of an effect than i did on new years eve, though that may have been because of that night's reveling atmosphere. i had three shots in the space of about an hour, and the only effect i felt was being a little more talkative. this is probably due to the fact that i had one of SoCo and two of 80-proof baccardi; not that heavy-duty. to my huge surprise, the SoCo was eminently tolerable, even more so than the baccardi. there was also a lot of chasing with powerade involved to remove the aftertaste (and to rehydrate and restore electrolytes, naturally). after having all three i dropped by meredith's room, and digiov later confirmed that she couldn't sense any difference, so i guess i know i can at least have that much with no real ill effects. i was rather nervous before i did the first one, since i didn't want to choke or something and embarass myself utterly, but it was fine. the baccardi had a taste kick after you swallowed, though.

so boundaries have tonight been broken; i'm proud of myself. i'd been wanting to try a shot for a little while now, to see what it's like. i'm glad i chilled with wendy's compadres down the hall because i know i will understand more when she relates her little tales after she wanders in at five am and then HUMS DRUNKENLY in her sleep heehee. no, i love you wendy, you know this. yes but it's time to go to bed a little voice tells me. yawwwwwn.

so today in art history we discussed titian and his painting "venus of urbino". you can see if here. it's really beautiful, and also very suggestive. obviously she's not a classical venus; it's a prostitute who posed for one of titian's many nudes that he tried to make respectable by passing off as goddesses. the duke of urbino, who commissioned this one, kept it under the cover of a heavy curtain whenever women were present; only when it was only men in the company did he allow it to be shown. jesus said that some art critics believe it amounts to renaissance porn lol. he also noted that what she's doing with her left hand *cough cough* is open to interpretation. i had actually thought that before he said it, but i figured titian wouldn't have painted a woman masturbating, it would have been a bit unorthodox, but apparently that is one interpretation of it! of course she could also be modestly covering herself, but look at her face--does she look like she's ashamed? this painting is so awesome :-)

tonight we had the dean's list dinner, which was SUCH an improvement over the honors' breakfasts of yore! i never really counted it as an honor to have to arrive at school extra early, eat bad breakfast food and listen to an annoying speaker, PLUS miss my first period free. we had speakers who are up for fulbright scholarships--I WANT ONE OF THOSE. they give you money to go do research or intern abroad for a year. guess where michelle wants to go, children? god if i could get an internship at an art museum in spain i'd be in fucking heaven.

we just had a floor meeting to discuss the admissions process, as our RA is interning up at Bellarmine. it was really good, and felt nice to have a sort of round-table discussion with the girls on my floor, most of whom i don't talk to a lot of the time, and hear their perspectives on things. we have a new girl, emily, who moved in with carla today. she transferred from NC State this semester and until today was living in jogues with a very promiscuous roommate. she's very cute-- she has RINGLETS---and she seems really nice, so i'm excited!

my new book "the well of lost plots" arrived today!! in the interest of turning more people on to this marvelous series, here is the book jacket description of "the eyre affair", the first novel starring Ms. Thursday Next:

In Jasper Fforde's Great Britain, circa 1985, time travel is routine, cloning is a reality (dodos are the resurrected pet of choice), and literature is taken very, very seriously. England is a virtual police state where an aunt can get lost (literally) in a Wordsworth poem and forging Byronic verse is a punishable offense. All this is business as usual for Thursday Next, renowned Special Operative in literary detection. But when someone begins kidnapping characters from works of literature and plucks Jane Eyre from the pages of Brontë's novel, Thursday is faced with the challenge of her career. Fforde's ingenious fantasy-enhanced by a Web site that re-creates the world of the novel--unites intrigue with English literature in a delightfully witty mix.

and here is an editorial review off amazon:
When I first heard the premise of this unique mystery, I doubted that a first-time author could pull off a complicated caper involving so many assumptions, not the least of which is a complete suspension of disbelief. Jasper Fforde is not only up to the task, he exceeds all expectations.
Imagine this. Great Britain in 1985 is close to being a police state. The Crimean War has dragged on for more than 130 years and Wales is self-governing. The only recognizable thing about this England is her citizens' enduring love of literature. And the Third Most Wanted criminal, Acheron Hades, is stealing characters from England's cherished literary heritage and holding them for ransom.

Bibliophiles will be enchanted, but not surprised, to learn that stealing a character from a book only changes that one book, but Hades has escalated his thievery. He has begun attacking the original manuscripts, thus changing all copies in print and enraging the reading public. That's why Special Operations Network has a Literary Division, and it is why one of its operatives, Thursday Next, is on the case.

Thursday is utterly delightful. She is vulnerable, smart, and, above all, literate. She has been trying to trace Hades ever since he stole Mr. Quaverley from the original manuscript of Martin Chuzzlewit and killed him. You will only remember Mr. Quaverley if you read Martin Chuzzlewit prior to 1985. But now Hades has set his sights on one of the plums of literature, Jane Eyre, and he must be stopped.

How Thursday achieves this and manages to preserve one of the great books of the Western canon makes for delightfully hilarious reading. You do not have to be an English major to be pulled into this story. You'll be rooting for Thursday, Jane, Mr. Rochester--and a familiar ending. --Otto Penzler --

the books are great, but it's true what they say--complete suspend your incredulity and believe anything is possible. in this series, books are ALIVE. (which i love, naturally, since i love books!) anyway i hope i've encouraged someone to try these books. even if you haven't completely read up on english literature (i'd never read jane eyre or even HEARD of martin chuzzlewit) there are so many little treats thrown in. shakespeare lovers especially will adore this kind of world!

i have read about people msising mr. avery in other people's journals to the point that i'm starting to miss the little oddball myself. his hair that defied all reason and gravity most of all.

from flanny's journal:

"p.s. is it weird that i'm a little upset that mr. avery [my old choir teacher] has a good relationship with his girlfriend and just want him to love me instead, and told my mom that hey, he's 24, some of the guys that ask me out are that age, why can't a relationship in which we never physically touch but are constant companions work out?"

i'm starting to think that i love jesus (read: teacher, not son of god) like heather loves mr. avery--in a completely non-sexual way, while still thinking he's the coolest guy ever, and wouldn't i like a husband like that except one who likes girls? so i could still marry jesus and just never touch him ever, and heather could marry "aves" and never touch him either, and we could go out on the town adulterating together while our fabulous gay husbands (ok MY fabulously gay husband and then--mr. avery) go cavorting with other men! we could have a double gay wedding!!!

before any of you start giving me weird looks, i AM just joking (hastily hides bridal magazines) ah, me. i may have been deprived of having any gay friends, but a cool gay teacher will do nicely.

This Poem Is Not AutoBioGraphical


--for three reasons;
firstly, this is not me
writing these words,
not really.
This is my mask;
this is the face I put on
when I want to play
make-believe
and can’t reach
the costumes in the attic.
What you see of me
is all rubber and paint,
glitter and feathers.
I have made my mask
from parts of me
and parts of you,
and filled in the gaps
with little bits
of I-know-not-who.

Secondly, this is not my life
that I am writing about,
although if you want
to know all
the sordid details,
I will surely tell.
I wear a mask;
where’s the risk?
I can tell you,
for instance,
that at the age of six
I stole a piece of gum
from a gas station,
stuck it in the pocket
of my jean jumper
and went home
proudly with my prize.
My mother slapped me
and made me go back
to say I was sorry—
but I wasn’t.



Thirdly, would you believe
that I am not writing this
at all? Nor do I intend
to be graphic
in the more common
sense of the word,
though if you want to hear
about my first time
I’ll tell you—
it was in the bathroom of
a fast-food restaurant
which probably had not
been cleaned in a week.
I still had my baby-fat.
He whispered “beautiful”
as he undid the button
on my jeans, and
I braced myself against
a slightly sticky wall
covered with phone numbers.
It was wet and hard
and over with quickly.
I barely felt the pain,
never felt the pleasure,
and I never saw him again.

It seems shocking—
but please remember that
this poem has not been
AutoBioGraphical.
I warned you of that
at the beginning.
If you believe what
my mask has told you,
you are the only one
to blame.

of course i'm writing poetry when i should be studying for spanish. of course.

i lied and told myself that i was leaving work early to study for my spanish exam. instead i'm eating my mom's banana bread and listening to the sounds outside my window. geese honking, brakes squealing, and above it all the wind howling past. some times i hate it when the wind rushes through the hallway and sucks through all the doors, but today i like it. it makes me feel literary, as though i am walking through a poem that is full of adjectives and goose feathers and the far-off shouts of children. i feel happiest at moments like this.

My spring vacation plans are nearly set! If all goes well, Sara will come down the thursday before hand so she can finally see FU and we can celebrate her birthday on thurs/friday/fri (cmon, why not make it like a puerto rican wedding and go for three days?). if all goes really really well, heather's friday lab will disappear and she will be able to come down too. friday my mom will ferry us back to windsor, saturday will be spent in revelry with my two ladies, and sunday will commence the Cape Cod Adventure. again if all goes well st. patty's day will be celebrated on tuesday, not wednesday, so everyone will be all ready to drive on thursday morning. i will then drive from dennisport on the cape to wellesley, there to visit rae, and return to windsor on friday (i am going to need a lot of clothes for this. and gas, lots of gas.) friday and saturday nights i will most likely chill with my mom since she's a little (read: very little)saddened that i won't be around very much during my break, and do all the laundry. sunday i will return triumphantly to FU, thus finishing a hectic but i hope enjoyable week!

my art class went to the met today (why am i always in new york on grey, overcast days?). unlike last time, when i wandered around alone all day, this girl i kind of know decided to hang out with me. she'd never been there before, so we had to go to every single "important" thing. i felt like a tour guide. i hadn't intended to look at the egyptian wing again for a while--the temple of dendur is the same as i left it--or the greco-roman stuff, and i'd never intended to go into the american wing or the modern art gallery, but alas, this girl likes american impressionists and jackson pollock. whoot. i finally got a little time to myself and had a delightful time of it in the european galleries. i bought postcards of the same el greco i have postered on my wall at home, my little veiled/masked dancer, and van gogh's irises. i found myself vastly appreciating van gogh this time around; usually i just go look at "cypresses" and wander away, but this time, in response to jen's query of "what's so special about van gogh?" i found myself defending him. i pointed out the thickness of the paint, the seemingly wild brushstrokes that make a wonderfully suggestive image, the vivid colors, but she was more impressed by monet and his water lilies. now monet's flowers--or anyone else's besides van gogh's-- will probably never strike my fancy. i prefer his paintings of london, or renoir's women, to flowers, but van gogh gave his flowers some "oomph", some quality that really catches me.

jesus previously had me convinced i should go to florence junior year and not spain with all his talk of famous work to be seen there. but today he told me he personally believes that spain and especially madrid is more interesting, more cultured, more historic. he got his PhD in spanish art and architecture, so i figure he knows what he's talking about (plus it's jesus, a handsome, well-dressed gay man named after god! come on!). so now i'm back to wanting to go to madrid, meaning more spanish classes. ah, indecision.

i guess the classification below is sort of true, but not really. i do care, to some extent. it actually crossed my mind today, rather guiltily, that for someone who does in fact profess to believe in some kind of god, i spend little to no time a.) conversing with said deity and b.) thanking him/her/it, which i might naturally be exptected to do, having been granted health and happiness and all that jazz. i guess it has to do with the fact that my thoughts on god are rather nebulous. i've never really pinned down quite what i believe--just there's a god, it's a good god, and he wants people to be happy and do as much good as possible. beyond that it becomes really difficult. how do i feel about sex before marriage? do i even believe that god himself created marriage? obviously im planning on having sex before i get married, so am i going to consider that a sin or not? and since im not catholic what do i do with sins, is just apologizing in my mind enough? ever since i was little i didn't like to get down on my knees and pray. i would just lie in bed and clasp my hands and talk to god in my mind. then when i got older i started questioning why i had to talk at all--couldn't god just anticipate my every word? then i got confused and stopped talking. now sometimes when i talk i feel the need to cross myself first, not because i believe in the trinity but because i need like i have to differentiate this moment, this conversation with god, from the rest of my lying-in-bed-ness.

my mom told me she was an atheist for a while growing up. i can see how that would be true; it seems sometimes that either you go to one extreme or the other in terms of religion if you've had a hard life. and sometimes you just don't care. i never bothered hating god for what happened to me circa four years ago. i mean, since i've basically established that it was generally for the best despite all the pain involved, doesn't that suggest that god was not being cruel, but merely omniscient? or did he just pull my dad's number and it was simply luck that things turned out fairly well? this is why i can't formulate a concise theory on god. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I am Nothing!



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lauren just sent out an email telling us a list of things we should bring to the cape for spring break. included in this was a bathing suit, at which i had a hearty laugh because it's march and there is no power in heaven or hell that's getting me into the atlantic in march!! also it's finally hitting home that this is going to be ELEVEN people and ONE bathroom. awesome, man. showering had best be carefully divided or there will be many screams of rage at the cold water.

besides that, and besides the fusco thing, this should be a lot of fun--nothing like having a 22-yrold gay man along to provide the liquor. on saint patty's day, i will be honoring the history of the hennessey family by drinking as much as possible without actually getting drunk. which probably isn't a whole lot, but i'm only a quarter irish, anyway!

it is late, and i am tired, but i am also wired and that rhymed. last night was better than i expected, i spent it on a futon instead of the floor. for anyone who wasn't informed--rae my sincerest apologies for neglecting to inform you of my proximity to wellesley--i spent yesterday and today at an APDA tournament at BU. and what is APDA, children? as we've learned, it's the american parliamentary debate association, of course! it is a large, large amalgamation of kids from a shitload of colleges---from the ivys down to the losers like simon's rock who can just go suck it cause their cases BLOW the big one--many of whom have NO LIVES and spend EVERY WEEKEND at similar tournaments, many of whom only go for the inevitable partying, drinking and groping that large groups of the socially awkward do when they convene in a particular place, and many of whom also go in order to belittle others, both subtly and not-so-subtly (i'm looking at YOU, brown!l! go back to rhode island and TAKE TRELLA WITH YOU) and therefore gain some sort of reassurance about their penis sizes. yes, i say penis sizes because APDA is a largely male thing; in fact we are probaby the only team that has more girls than guys (this time 6 girls 2 guys) and the only coed school who runs girl/girl teams (we're not afraid of the men, oh no, we're from FU and proud of it!). the Duke team we debated actually asked me if FU was all girls because it seems we have no men. oh well.

now don't get me wrong--i had a lot of fun these past two days, it's just really easy to make fun of APDA lol. our team considers ourselves different--we are NOT debater dorks-- because we have real lives and real friends and we don't LIVE for the moment when our pairings come on screen and we find out whether--gasp!--we're against "Cornell Bad Novii" or "Stanford Her Pleasure". this was my first time actually debating, last time i judged, which is boring but absolutely no pressure. my first round i PMd (prime ministered) meaning i gave the opening speech, and of course i was fucking nervous, and our lovely opponent team, a hybrid from Princeton and Columbia, had the kindness to BLATANTLY LAUGH AT ME. yes that really increases the confidence! naturally we lost in a horrific manner, but at least the other team said they really couldn't tell it was my very first time. novice, yes, newborn, no. whoot.

anyway so how this works is you run five rounds of debate, three on the first day and two the second. everything is disorganized and runs behind and you spend a lot of time sitting in auditorium watching will newman, the hot kid from brown who's a total asshole, try to make the world see how amazing will newman really is, and being offered shots of jim beam and vodka by the tournament leaders. yes, shots were offered, but alas, though my partner jamie had the jim beam they never got to us with the vodka. i wanted some for the nerves. jamie figures we went 3-2, meaning we won more than we lost, which is nice, and i did pretty well once i got into it, though my note-taking sucked royally. must practice that.

so the REAL action that all the little debater dorks are waiting for is after the third round when the partying happens. in this case, BU gave out tickets to a club they'd rented out near fenway, so we go, despite the fact that only our little captains eileen and jamie and their friend mary ellen dance. eileen also happens to be the blessed age of TWENTY ONE, so she procured drinks for the seven of us who were underage, sadly only one apiece since it kinda looks suspicious to ask for drink after drink. sean had a horrible whiskey concoction and we had bacardi and sprite on the rocks, on SO MANY ROCKS YOU COULD HAVE BUILT A MOUNTAIN. i paid five dollars for an ICEBERG IN A CUP with a dash of sprite and liquor. naturally this did nothing, but it tasted good. after an hour of this torment, and observing the couple getting it on in the sex room separated from us by a wall--we saw feet in the air--we went to our housing, which was a really super nice suite, three big rooms, bathroom and walkin closet! and we slept, and awoke and debated some more, and then we drove home with jamie at the wheel, with eight people in a seven person minivan, going EIGHTY-FIVE MILES PER HOUR in the rain. yes, there was fear for my life. but i'm good now, i'm back in normality, out of the city, back in what jamie's friend calls "the land of the beautiful people". i may not even like half the guys who go here but after this weekend they are looking fiiiiiiiiiine.

am i wired or WHAT? i feel an insatiable desire to use CAPITAL LETTERS WHERE THEY ARE NOT APPROPRIATE. LIKE HERE.

oh and amusing, attractive evan who's on our team happens to be good friends with wendy's best guy friend from back home, tommy! small world, eh? even smaller world--dahts debated the dreaded trella, sean's molester friend whom he calls "trella the fella", and SHE KICKED HIS ASS. TAKE THAT, BROWN!!! FU RULES!!

oh and both pc and wellesley got dissed in the "APDA family feud" game they ran, both were on the list of top five most corrupt ineptly run tournaments. lol.

methinks it is time for bed. people keep saying i'm not going to be up before dinner, but i say no, i WILL be up before 4pm!!! *southern preacher voice* I HAVE THE POW-AH!!!!!

I have eight minutes till lauren's laundry is done and we can leave for lunch. fucking windy today, jesus! it's like a hurricane out there! art history lecture on the sistene chapel will be given by guest lecturer philip *sigh* now he'll know that i'm in an art history class but just not his...i hope he doesn't talk to me.

as soon as i have the time, i'm going to the registrar to get the form for declaring a second major. english and art history, whoohoo! yeah, i'm going to be poor, but i love them both, so what can i do?

what the hell? since when did the world go mad? since when did everyone and their mother become convinced that education is worthless, that it's acceptable to slack off and only do what's necessary to get by? since when did people start to believe that college degrees are worthless? (and on a related note, when did cheating become so acceptable to the general populace?)

i will NOT accept that my arguments are "moot". i believe in education, i believe that it opens your mind and helps you improve your understanding of the world. i acknowledge that some people manage to be self-taught, but the majority of the populace requires education. it's not brain-washing, it's learning, and a great majority of people who feel that they know all they need to know andthey can teach themselves everything and are completely self-sufficient are egotists and idiots. i'm sorry if some people's parents didn't raise them to believe that you strive to do your best, no matter what, or that the education they got was crappy. that doesn't mean that Education is useless. i would not trade this experience for anything, and i can't understand people who just see college as a means to an end, to that 'useless" piece of paper that will get you a job.

tonight a disturbing parallel was drawn between greg and charles. they have virtually the same opinions on the value of education, though apparently charles more successfully slacked his way into uconn. this is the first thing i've ever really disagreed with him on. i think this is one of those Things that i want in a partner, i want someone who believes in education. i never want another relationship with someone who likes to do just enough to get by, never bothers to exert themselves to do their best, and thinks that this is all worthless. that's such shit. lazy bastards. (my other main Thing is no atheists--they depress me.)

and now i'm angry. this is all sean's fault for being a cheater and getting me on this topic in my head. grrrrrrrrrr.

four guys, five months. hm.

compared to popham, i'm such a slut, you know that? it amazes me that i'm the slut here, coming from the girls back home, where i was relatively pure since i was still on the V-team, as we call it. meredith classified us as the four sex and the city girls, and i'm the sluttiest one with a hot boyfriend and cancer and no hair. yay.

sometimes the feeling of sluttiness makes me weird. in the beginning of the year i was all for hiding certain things, like the fact that i've made out with girls and a lot of guys, and how far i've gone with a guy, for fear of being labeled the one with no morals. i know that it's not that i have low morals or my friends here have high ones (well, popham). we just came from different situations. we're all different people. i know i should never feel ashamed of anything based on what someone else might think. not that this means i'll be divulging my sexual history to anyone who asks, but i refuse to feel bad about anything i've done unless i have a reason to. for instance, one of my friends told me that she regrets her new year's activity completely. the only thing i regret is kissing that sketchy guy matt; i only did because i felt sorry for him, he was being completely left out. it was gross. so much for being friendly.

i think my views on kissing random people also have to do with me not enjoying kissing in general. i don't mind it either way, really, girls or guys, and that sort of prevents me from attaching a huge significance to it. not that i'd kiss a complete stranger or someone who was hugely unattractive or creepy, but i also don't reserve kissing for someone i have a huge crush on. this is just me, in all my weirdness. deal.

i also used to feel a bit bad being the one who's always eyeing a guy or talking about a guy. then again, i have the most boy-crazy roommate of all time. i get mistaken for being, as lauren put it, a "horndog" because i like looking at cute guys and i don't hide it (ie me loudly expressing my desire for john from down the hall to go to the bathroom in his boxers again). guess what--for the past year or so my desires have run to exactly that--looking! i don't have a huge sex drive anymore, in fact barely one at all. it's like i'm more interested in the chase than the capture; i like admiring guys, i like the little heart-flutters you get when you talk to them and are wondering about where it will all go. i love that. i'm honestly not sexually driven, no matter what i might say about wanting to jump some guy or other. it's kind of theoretical, i guess. i can't even say i like to flirt because i have NEVER known how to flirt. god knows i must have flirted at some point, i've had four boyfriends now, but i have never once done it consciously or even realized i was doing it. michelle the sex goddess is a figment of someone's imagination, and it ain't mine.

THIS IS WHY MICHELLE DOESN'T WANT BOYFRIENDS. WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT, SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT THEM FOR THE PURPOSE MOST PEOPLE WOULD WANT THEM FOR!!

that was actually unintentional capitalization, but i'm going to keep it, for emphasis.

i am quite the oddball.

in the wise words of rae, "ahh fuckity fuck-fuck mcfucking fuckers".

i've said it once and i'll say it again: life is SO FUCKING COMPLICATED. no doubt much of this complexity is of my own making, but then there are the things you cannot control or ordain, like your emotions, which will go where they please no matter what it's going to cost you or force you to do.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Sometimes it seems my writing here goes in spurts--I'll write a huge amount in a day or two and then neglect to write for a few days. Anyway, Valentine's day was different than i'd expected. the hotel did not come through since they checked my ID. add to that that i was in a not so good mood, complete with headache and PMSy feelings, and it ended up that after a movie and dinner charles went home rather than spend the night here. but he liked my gifts, and i thoroughly enjoy Pounce, the beanie baby cat he gave me.

Pride and Prejudice--bought, read, and liked the book, then watched and orgasmically fell in love with the movie starring colin firth. immediately watched bridget jones' diary following to obtain more colin, and have since switched buddy icon and background to this sexy sexy man. i'm trying to read emma but it's not as good.

i noted tonight to my friends that my art history teacher, jesus, seems to exert a powerful influence on me. we spent the last class on leonardo da vinci, and after staring at a six foot projection of the Mona Lisa for a good half hour, and listening to him talk about her mystery, i began to appreciate her. i didn't like her when i saw her in the louvre--after so much hype it seemed so blah. but i also confess that i spent less than five minutes observing the painting from the back of a crowded room. i never got close enough to really take in her expression, and i would have needed an extra 30 minutes that i did not that day have to start to see some of the more subtle nuances of her face. indeed there are many things i might not have independently noticed; however, when our prof projected an image of botticelli's "birth of venus" next to the mona lisa for a comparison of technique, it was shocking--the mona lisa leapt out at you as reality, while botticelli's goddess was reduced to an almost cartoonish aspect. jesus pointed out her hands as one of the best examples of how da vinci made her flesh look truly real with his shading.

even after staring at her for a long time i could not decide what emotion it is on her face. our textbook noted that her faint smile does not reach her eyes, and this is true, for her eyes seem to be without warmth. at one moment i thought her eyes to hold some hidden pain, hinted at by her slight black veil, and that she attempts to smile only for our sakes. then i thought her smile to be a smirk, and her eyes full of condescension, for reasons i could not guess. then i thought her eyes to be very knowing, posibly even jaded, in the manner they follow the viewer around the room, and then again i wondered if she were not simply tired, and her smile had simply faded after sitting so long. i have gazed and wondered with the rest of the world, and like the rest i have come to no answer.

perhaps the mystery that fascinates me most is that leonardo did not give this painting to the woman who sat for it; rather, he kept it with him his entire life, and when he died in france it was among his possessions. was it vanity of his own art that enticed him so, or did the painting hold a more sentimental value? i wish i could know!

here is another work i admireMichelangelo's Pieta. I always thought that meant piety, but in fact it is pity, which makes more sense. there is something so incredibly moving in the face of mary, as she cradles the body of her dead son, that goes beyond the religious significance for me. whether i believe in christ's divinity or not, the fact remains that a man named jesus or joshua or yeshua or whatever existed, was put to death by the romans, and his mother had to confront the loss of her beloved child. the pathos of the moment is overwhelming, and is only accentuated by the amazing attention to detail in the human form. jesus told us the sculpture is today in a glass cage on a tall pedestal, but that michelangelo created it to be placed on the floor, that a viewer would look down on christ's body and share in mary's grief. i know that if i saw this work in person it would truly inspire in me a sense of mourning.

and finally, since i'm on an artwork kick here, this is the piece i named as my favorite of last semester, "Veiled and Masked Dancer". She is small, but so elegant, so graceful and sensual. if it's possibly to fall in love with a piece of bronze, i fell in love with her.

and now to bed!

I read Sense and Sensibility tonight. After having such a dislike of Austen because of my hatred of Pride and Prejudice, I was half-expecting to not like this either (I saw the movie on tv a week ago and absolutely loved it), but it was such an easier read than p & p! i loved it too! it even helped to already have images of the film in my mind, and i'm often against seeing a movie before i read the book because i will preconcieve the characters, but i suppose in period dramas it helps to really imagine the scenery, the accents, the little physical traits. it was cool.

also on the austen side of things, i'm seeing things in the relationships around me that make me want to play cupid like emma, except i know i can't for many reasons, not the least of which that i would suck at any matchmaking attempts. sadly people must work things out for themselves, or not.

pablo was in vanity fair! along with a very sexy pic of orlando!

April 15th, tax day, it will have been four years. how is that even possible, that such changes have been wrought in me and in the world in just four years? In april of 2000 bill clinton was still president, the world trade towers still stood, i knew nothing about either of my parents, and i was nothing like i am now. i lied to myself about a lot of things back then; i wanted things i thought i was supposed to want. i remember wanting to be different, even then, but i didn't know how.

most of all i remember the three closest friends i had, the ones who were there for me at the wake and the funeral and all the years following. sara, rae, and heather. yes, i love you all.

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

i must admit i wasn't sure what they were asking in one of the questions in this survey, how many people have you loved. if they said how many people have you romantically loved, i'd know the answer, but if it's people in general, then that's a lot. there's been a lot of discussion both among friends here and friends home about love. what is it, how you know when you love someone, friend or otherwise. etc. i'm too tired to think about it now, really. i just remember that when i was a freshman, the only person i ever said "i love you" to was my father, and then only in a rushed way, when i called him every afternoon to see if he'd be home in time for dinner-- "ok love ya bye". fourteen year olds don't really go in for expressing love for others, i guess. still, even though losing him made me realize how much i needed my mom and my friends, it's been a recent development that i tell my friends i love them when i hang up or sign offline, probably in the last year or so. we've grown closer even despite our separation. i like that.

my mom's a different matter. a few years ago i had those series of horrible dreams where my father was there, and it was like he had never gone away but he kept saying over and over what a bad father he'd been, and the dreams kept ending before i was able to tell him that it wasn't true. however much i would have liked to believe that this was some sort of sign from hi,, i know it was just my subconscious working things out. i eventually decided that what was being conveyed to me was that i shouldn't make the same mistakes with my mom that i did with my dad, that i should never let her think that i don't love her or that she's not a good mother. i have immense respect for my mom. she came from what anyone would consider an awful childhood--she got abused, her mom didn't really care for her, her dad died when she was little, she was anorexic, etc, yet she grew up and took the profession of caring for other people, when she had been cared for so little herself. she was the one who looked out for her mom when she was dying of cancer, even though to the end my nana considered my mom worthless, and her absent brothers to be the better children (i don't think very highly of this woman i have no memory of).

it always strikes me as hugely unfair that my mom had to lose her husband. it was more unfair to her than it was to me. does that sound like a weird thing to say? it's just like, i'm young, and i'll have plenty of time in my life for happiness and joy, but my mom is grown up, and had gone through so much pain in her life already, and then to lose her best friend, that's just awful. it hurts so much to think about that. i want my mom to be happy, i always do, and i know jen and i bring her happiness but i wish there was something more. she deserved better than what she was dealt. so this is why i have such tremendous respect for my mom. she didn't let herself be destroyed after my father's death. she kept on going, in her own quiet sort of way. she goes to work and takes care of women who are sick and dying, and then comes back to an empty house and her daughters' voices on the telephone. if i could wish for one thing, it would be for my mom to be truly happy somehow. usually my wishes are stupid things like i wish i were thinner or had more money or could get the guys i want, but i would give her anything, if i could.

i'm crying again. i think it's the PMS striking at last.

Back from NYU. Debate tournament enjoyable, judged a boring case about Libyan sanctions, an amusing one about legalizing marijuana brought by kids from Canada, and a psychotic one by these girls from this tiny MA school saying that Israel should sytematically murder the entire family of a suicide bomber, as deterrent. wtf! saw heather for "a new york minute" but i got to meet andrezej (he's hot, heather was so right) or however you write that and garret and susie, and i saw steven again. we stayed in a really cool room that had a tiny extra room with a window that was the "opium den/sex lounge" and there was lot of pot stems in it and a really cute bong. bathroom was super-sketchy. we saw the dreaded trella and even wound up in an elevator with him and his little brown cronies, but meredith stayed safely hidden. we went out to a mexican place in the village and eileen (21, whoohoo1) got a big margarita but it was very very salty. jamie had her roommate's flask with her with gin in it, which smells and tastes like pinesol, and then she just whips it out in the restaurant and dumps it into her coke! quite amusing. later on they got a bottle of captain morgan and some coke to take back to the room. i cannot abide rum and coke, mostly because as a loyal coke drinker i abhor anything that adulterates it. and rum on its own i could never do.

oh and yesterday they gave us a wicked nice banquet, with servers in tuxedos and everything! i felt oh-so-special. now i am sick and stuffed up. we walked from heather's school near 4th st to grand central which is like 43rd, because the fucking uptown subway was broken. grrrrr thank you new york city.

although new york is interesting and a lot of the architecture and shopping is enticing, i know already that i couldn't live there. a.) i hate people in large crowds, and this was confirmed by my annoyance at seeing people everywhere i went. b.) i like nature, i like having woods and wildlife around (aside from pigeons, rats and the occasional park tree). c.) i hate heights, and most of the places in new york require you to live several stories off the street. example: the room we were in was on the 17th floor: if i lived there i'd never go near the window. so new york, it seems, will remain for me a place that's nice to visit but not to live. i was happy to get back here to fairfield, to geese and turkeys and deer and lots of open sky. :-)

Dear Greg

I don't know how to solve the puzzle of you. You said that you thought about writing me a letter today but didn't. I'm writing you a letter but I just won't send it. I'm not even sure right now if I want you to know what it is that I'm going to write. I don't yet know what I'm writing; my hands are just sort of moving over the keys.
I understand what you said about seeing me everywhere. I find reminders of you all over the place. I haven't thrown out anything related to you or to us. I finally took down the last few pictures of you that were in my room here last night. There are still prom pictures up in my bedroom at home. Whenever I open my photo album, you're there on every page. The CD you made me is here, as is every card and note you ever wrote me. I would never discard any of this, if only because it reminds me of so many happy times. I saw my favorite picture of you, the one I took of you in my kitchen the day before you left for camp (or was it Philmont, I can't remember), in your hoodie and your old hat, and I smiled, even though part of me wanted to cry.
Part of me is also sorry that I blew up at you the last time we spoke. Another part of me isn't. I always tried to not get mad at you when we were going out, but it always came out in the end somehow. A lot of things about you always did frustrate me but I didn't want to make problems where there didn't need to be any. Once we started talking cordially again those things started to come back, and by that time I was obviously no longer constrained by any responsibility toward you. So I let myself get pissed off, and now we haven't spoken in weeks. Again I'm divided; part of me says fuck it, who cares, but another part of me just wishes that we could really be friends.
Do you see how this is a paradox? I can never reconcile the ways things are now with the way they used to be. I hate it that now I don't even speak to someone that I once cared so much for. I especially hate that I don't even know how this all happened. I've spent time trying to trace it back to where it started, when I started to not feel the way I had before. I'm sure you've figured out that there are still things that I've never told you, even after all this time. There's not many, really, but one thing I don't think you knew was that I was actually on the Pill for about eight months. There was a time when I was pretty much planning on having sex with you, so I thought it was a good idea. My not telling you was purposeful, so that you would always be cautious and not depend on it. Anyway one day I realized that I no longer had any desire to sleep with you, and that being on the Pill was a waste of money and effort, so I stopped. This was sometime in May, as far as I can remember. In retrospect, I probably should have given deeper consideration to the thought that I had no sexual desire concerning you, but I guess I chalked it up to just not wanting the trouble and ignored it. This isn't to say that I suddenly disliked you or anything. I had a lot of amazing times with you towards the end of senior year and over the summer. I had a million doubts about staying together with you in college, but I tried to put them aside. Do you remember a sort-of fight we had the day after i came back from FU orientation, about you talking to people online while you were on the phone with me? I bet you thought i was irrationally upset about it, but not only was that something that had annoyed me for a long time, i had also reached the epiphany the day before while here at fairfield (in campion, no less) that i could do it, that we'd make it, and i returned home just full of happiness at the thought of you, and then.....that happened. it was just sort of of set-down. i still had hope though. it was really only after i got here, and was separated from you, that i realized that i thought of you in exactly the same sense as sara or rae or heather. i only missed you like i missed a friend, and not someone who meant something more. the end result of this all was obviously us breaking up. then that ridiculous business with andrew. if you ever feel the need to be malicious, just know that that brief mistake is probably going to haunt me for a very long time here. it's often made me laugh, the irony that a guy i was involved with for less than a month causes me more perpetual problems than someone i dated for a year and a half.
you should also know that i consider that year and a half to be a really wonderful time in my life. i wouldn't exchange the memories for anything, hence why i'll keep everything that reminds me of you. i want to remember you; you were my first love. no matter what came after, no matter if we never speak to each other again.
as to that, i don't know what to do or say. it's obvious that we have such hugely disparate viewpoints on a lot of things, especially education. i can't help feeling frustrated and angry as i watch you throw away all the opportunities you've been handed. You repeat over and over on your site that you "do nothing". That's what i can't stand. I can't stand watching you do nothing and just live life in a dull cycle. See, I already feel the frustration rising in me as I write this. this is why i don't know if we can or should be friends. we'll never agree on this. you'll always feel like i'm trying to impose my views on you, and maybe you think that i follow the crowd because i consider college the best, if not only, route to a good future, but that's what i believe.
i'm trying to think if there's anything else i should say here. probably, because believe it or not i do think of you a lot of the time. like i said, there are reminders of you everywhere. i really hope, for you sake, that you do something, anything to break the pattern you're in. i also hope that we'll be friends again someday.
The first paper we ever wrote for HILL class was on the book "The Secret to Staying in Love", which incidentally i think you still have. Mr Tressler told us to analyze some of our own love relationships, and of course I chose you. I mentioned that some people are of the opinion that teenagers aren't capable of being in love because they're not mature enough, but I loved you, so I knew that couldn't be true. The conclusion I came to was that I loved you as much as I could, and that while I knew we would not always be together, and that while ours wasn't a mature, adult love because we were not mature adults, it was still something incredibly valuable. i still believe that.

How do I sign this? Love, I suppose,

Michelle

So my valentine's day plans have been finalized, thanks to my timely intervention lol! instead of the traditional dinner date, charles and i are doing something that's (in my opinion) much more fun. we're getting a hotel suite!!! heeheee!
before anyone starts hyperventilating and getting the wrong idea, there's not going to be wild monkey sex going on as per mutual agreement (though wendy has been admonishing me to 'not waste the opportunity'). however, he IS going to be cooking me dinner (it comes with a kitchen like the new year's one!). it has a vcr so we can watch movies, and we're going to have a scrabble rematch since he beat all of us when he visited last time, and then we're going to, well have some good times. muahaha. oh and he's bringing champagne, so i shall at last know what it's like!
honestly i felt so "adult" somehow when i was making the reservations last night. turns out my check card can be used like a credit card to reserve hotel rooms, and orbitz.com is just awesome, i must say. anyway we're splitting the cost down the middle, and it's more expensive than the plain old hotel room i originally suggested but it's going to be so much cooler. just the thought of having absolutely no one around, being able to do whatever we want as loud as we want, is fucking awesome. the only downside is checkout being noon, so no sleeping in, but oh well, i can deal, right?

when i woke up this morning and remembered that the night before i had booked a suite for frickin' valentine's day, you know what i did? i burst out laughing, that sort of giddy excited laughter that is quite a lot of fun and really gets you going in the morning! i got screwed out of valentine's day last year but this year IT IS GOING TO FUCKING ROCK!!

oh yes, and debate tomorrow, and seeing my girl flanny! SWEET!

1. What time is it?: 4:09
2. Full Name: Michelle Marie DiMarzo
3. Nicknames: Bob, shelley, shell-belle, mitch
4. Date of birth: 10/01/85
5. Where do you live?: Windsor and Fairfield
6. What school do you attend?: Fairfield University
7. Siblings and their ages?: Jen, 21
8. Pets?: 3 cats, 1 dog
9. Lefty or Righty?: Lefty

**YOUR LOOKS**

10. Hair color? Dark brown
11. Eye color?: brown
12. Height?: 5'2"
13. Do u wear contacts or glasses?: contacts
14. Do you have any piercings?: yes - ears
15. Where do you want more if you do?: nope
16. Do you have a tattoo?: no
17. If so what and where?: n/a
19. Do you have a certain fashion you follow: not really

**JUST LATELY** >

21. How are you today?: PMSy
22. What pants are you wearing right now?: pjs
23. What shirt are you wearing right now?: sweatshirt
25. What does your hair look like at the moment?: ponytail
26. What song are you listening to right now?: none
27. What was the last thing you ate?: sugar babies
28. How is the weather right now?: raining
29. Last person you talked to on the phone?: Mom
30. Last Dream you can remember?: something weird
31. Who are you talking to right now?: no one
32. What time is it?: they asked this already

**More about YOU!** >

33. What are the last four digits of your phone number?: 6889
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: cerulean blue
35. Have you ever almost died?: yes, when my mom drove my truck too fast in the snow and we spun around and hit the concrete barrier thingee twice
36. Do you like the person that sent you this?: I stole it from Lauren, so yes
37. How do u eat an Oreo?: whole
38. What makes you happy?: friends, books, charles
39. What's the next CD you are going to buy?: ha, buy a cd?
40. What's the best advice ever given to you?: always do your best….cliched, but my dad taught me that
41. Have you ever won any special awards?: yes
42. What are your future goals?: win the nobel prize, what else?
43. Do you like to dance?: no.
45. What's the stupidest thing you ever done/said?: I’ll give you a hint, his initials are AF
46. What's your favorite memory?: times with my friends back home, memories of me and my family sitting around the dinner table cracking jokes about each other…turtle wax teehee
47. If you could change one thing about you what would it be?: legs
48. Where do you shop the most?: hot topic and salvation army, baby
49. How many kids do you want to have?: none
50. Sons?: none
51. Daughters?: none
52. Do you do drugs?: no
53. Do you drink?: not really
54. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?: Suave and pantene
55. What sport do you hate the most?: football!
56. What are you most scared of?: bugs, heights
57. How many tvs are in your house?: three
58. Do you have your own phone line or cell phone?: yes
59. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: not generally
60. Have you ever broken/sprained/or fractured a bone?: no
61. Who do you dream about?: the randomest oddest shit!
62. Who do you tell your dreams too?: anyone
63. Who's the loudest friend you have?: heather
64. Who's the quietest friend?: Meredith or rae

**Just Questions**

65. Is cheerleading a sport?: athletic activity, not a sport
66. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?: no idea

**YOU and LOVE**

67. Do you believe in Love? yes
68. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?: I prefer the term “significant other” and yes.
69. Do you have a crush? Always lol
70. Who is your crush?: philosophy boy, TFB, that guy down the hall with the glasses
71. Do you believe in love at first sight?: no
73. What song do you want played at your wedding?: unchained melody
74. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: smile, eyes
75. Longest crush: four years
77. Do you find yourself attractive?: on certain days—NOT TODAY
78. Do you find yourself ugly?: on some days, like today
79. Do others find you attractive?: some

**Which is worse?**

81. Making out with Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie?: Marilyn Manson!!!
82. Having your tonsils or appendix removed?: tonsils

**FOR EVERYONE**


92. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy: wild and sexy
93. Dark or blonde hair: dark hair
94. Long or short hair: long
95. Curly or straight hair: Straight
96. Color of eyes: brown
97. Long or short nails: long, natural
98. Hat or no hat: no hat
99. Good or bad: good
100. Hair up or down: down
101. Jewelry or none: jewelry
102. Tall or short: tall!
103. Accent or no accent: European accents….mrow
104. Pants or dress: pants
105. Tan or fair: fair
106. Glasses: never!
107. Pretty indoor or crazy party: pretty indoor
108. Freckles or none: none
109. Shy or outgoing: outgoing
110. Funny or always cool: funny
111. Talkative or shy: I talk too much
112. Who's your hottest friend?: I have so many, but Sara and Stoner

**Pick One: THIS OR THAT**

113. Lights on/off?: on
114. Do u like snow, sun or rain?: sun
115. Mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (Burger King): none
116. Do u like scary or happy movies better?: happy, and im not afraid to admit it!
117. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC?: neither
119. Paper or plastic?: paper
120. Sausage or pepperoni?: neither, again
121. Summer or winter?: summer
122. Hugs or kisses?: hugs
123. Chocolate or white milk?: white
124. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper?: Root Beer
125. Glass half full or half empty?: half full
126. CD or Tape?: CD
127. Tape or DVD?: DVD
128. Cats or Dogs?: cat
129. Mud or Jell-O wrestling?: KYjelly wrestling
130. Vanilla or Chocolate?: vanilla
131. Skiing or Boarding?: neither
132. Day or night?: night
133. Cake or pie: cake
134. Silver or gold: silver
135. Diamonds or pearls?: diamonds
136. Sunset or sunrise? sunset

**Your FAVS**

137. Color?: blue
138. Food?: pasta
139. Fast food?: none
140. Candy?: milky way, rolos
141. Beverage?: Coke
142. Ice Cream Flavor?: chocolate fudge brownie
143. Sport?: basketball
144. Animal?: penguin
145. Fav. type of music?: many
146. Radio Station: 106.9 WCCC
147. Song: “Origin of Love”
148. Band: Perfect Circle, NIN, Tool
149. Number(s): 15
150. Fav. Actor or actress?: Johnny, John Cusack
151. Fav. day of the year?: my birthday
152. Fav. month?: October
153. TV Show?: simpsons, CSI
154. Store?: hot topic, borders
155. Scent?: uh, no preference
156. Teacher?: Fitz! Hahahaha yeah right. Hm….Mrs Juda, Mr T (a kink in the ointment)…
157. Game?: FF8
158. Saying?: er….i don’t know

**Have you EVER**

159. Loved somebody so much it made you cry?: when I lost them
160. Smoked?: no
161. Drank?: yes
162. Ever gotten dumped?: heehee no *knock on wood*
163. Broke the law?: yes
164. Ran from the cops?: no
165. Stole something?: no, well maybe when I was little
166. Lied: all the time
167. Made yourself throw up: bleh no
169. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I tried once, icouldnt do it

**On a FiNal NoTe**

170. Do you like filling these out?: not really
171. How many people are you sending this to?: my site
172. Do u want your friends to write back?: sure
173. Who is least likely to respond?: don't really know
174. Who is most likely to respond?: don't really know
175. What time is it now?: 4:45 pm

sara, after being told that she is truly my wife, as opposed to certain mistresses: "i get all your shit when you die!"

sean: "lauren, are you saying that Tony D likes the big D?" (interpret this as you will)

sean and lauren, loudly, after i have discreetly passed a note to meredith indicating our beloved Philosophy Boy is sitting RIGHT BEHIND HER: "Philosophy boy? where? where? so this is the guy that you never skipped Long's class because of?

It's come to my attention that we here on C4 have a shitload of nicknames that other people miht be unfamiliar with. So, for clarification:

Myself: Mitch
Lauren Digiovine: Digiov
Amanda Popham: Popham, the forbidden "apop", Popham the Pure, The Pink Princess
Meredith Darts: Dahhhhhhhhhhts
Sean Gleason: Princess Pinky or Pinky Gleason
James Nguyen: Asian James or AJ
James Burns: Tall James or TJ
Andrew Fusco: Satan, the Evil One, or "ewwwwwww"

in other news, third eye blind is playing here in april! wheeee!

today i skipped work and spent a few hours in the library. i made a list of books i want to read now that i know where the library branches are, i read parts of a book on the "queens of the renaissance" (the only ones i was interested in were beatrice d'este and lucrezia borgia) and then i finished anna karenina. *spoilers ahead*

it's an awful thing to say, but by the end of the book i really hated anna. i knew beforehand what her fate was to be and by the last fifty pages i was just thinking "oh my god, stop being a tearful whiny bitch and throw yourself under the train already!" she turns from this kind, tragic beauty who you just want to love the moment she steps off the train fifty pages in, to this puling, selfish wreck of a woman that you're supposed to feel pity for, i think, but i just feel exasperated with. her jealousy toward her lover Vronsky, for whom she has given up her position in society and the son she claims to love but really doesn't, or at least not a good kind of love, is what really pissed me off. she basically stays in the house all day since society won't receive her and freaks out every time he goes out. she doesnt love the child they have together at all, and has made sure they won't have any more, and spends her time being tearful over her lost son (whom she ABANDONED with a father who didnt love him to be with her lover) or believeing that her lover is seeing other women. and the famous ending? they have a fight, he goes to his mother's, she believes there's someone else and throws herself under a train. she does this partly out of a belief there's no way out of her situaation (her husband won't give her a divorce so she can't marry vronsky) but mostly because, in her own words, she wants him to suffer and regret the pain he's caused her. she dies being malicious! it's awful! in the end he can't even remember their love, he can only remember how she died believing herself triumphant over him.

this digusted me, it really did. tolstoy told an excellent story, of which the anna karenina thread is really just the one story that ties all the others together in family and society. there's one very happy ending for one couple. but anna herself and the way she acted, the way she threw everything away for this "tragic, passionate love" and then ended up hating him and herself, made me so angry. the way she treated her children REALLY made me mad, pretending that Seryozha (her son) is her everything, then leaving him behind and not even missing him for months, and Vronksy thinking that it's awful of her to mention her son when they're reunited because how can she be possibly thinking of aught but him at such a time? then she has the little girl and realizes she doesnt love her at all. she just doesn't care. she says at one point she loves only two people, her husband and her son. hello, other child, with the man you suppposedly love? it was just very wrong.

then there's the love affair itself. yes she was in a bad position-- married to a cold man who didnt love her. she falls in love with vronsky, but it's all-consuming and they MUST be together! they must! they must sacrifice all and incur the wrath of society and abandon her child only to be miserable later on, they must they must! in my opinion, the far more noble sacrifice would have been to keep living with her husband, cold as he was, and raise the son, and maybe when he was older to run away, and keep the lover on the sly like everyone else in russia was doing. but no, she absolutely can't bear it. ok, so they run away, but then she's miserable because she can't get remarried without a divorce, and divorce means losing her standing in the society she eventually realizes that she craves. if she were really so strong and so in love, they could have sacrificed fucking society, gone abroad and settled in some town and been well-off bourgeois. but no, they need wealth and horse racing and expensive gowns to be "happy". so basically they're trapped, and cut off from genteel society, and they wind up not loving the other as much, anna bc she thinks she's sacrificed everything for a man who can leave her whenever he wants, and vronsky because she's so grasping and attached.

finally, her death. like so many suicides she realizes, too late, the horror of what she's done, and tries to save herself, but hey, once you're under the train you're pretty much done for. oops.

so this was my annoyed opinion of the end of anna karenina. don't get me wrong--amazing book, awesome characterization of russian society between the emancipation of the serfs and the revolution of 1919. i must admit i skipped tolstoy's deep parts where he expresses his views on religion and social classes in favor of the actual plot. if you can spare the time to read 900-odd pages or so, definitely do so lol.

i forgot to mention that charles makes me very happy. i thanked melissa tonight for basically being the catalyst in all of this and encouraging both of us. he even makes me happy after i've seen pictures of him in a tshirt and spandex shorts and another of him drunk and flashing his chest. whee.

i also forgot to mention that yesterday i took down all my pictures of greg that were still hanging around, as well as those of other people whom i no long feel merit space in my room. i put up a picture of sara in my tahoe holding my short-lived bamboo stick on my fridge and one of rae in her hoochie attire from the halloween party on the microwave. i'm sorry heather--you and greg pelvic thrusting had to go :-)

i also forgot to mention that this game is very addicting. it involves smacking penguins with a bat, don't ask.

I love iTunes, even though as yet I can only access meredith and sarah's stuff. right now i'm listening to loreena mckinnet off sarah's list--the girl has several hundred of really diverse awesome tunes, from mozart to fred astaire and chumbawumba! i remember chumbawumba! right now im trying to copy all my music files so other people can see them. more people need to get itunes around here. popham, digiov, i'm looking at you.

something happened tonight, just a little occurrence that left me frustrated and annoyed and i can't even write about it on here but it just made me wish that for once i was as callous as paris on gilmore girls and i could just call someone up and tell them in one terse sentence exactly how things stand between us and then hang up and not give a damn. it's not really a grrrr situation, more of a, i knew this would happen, go away situation.

i keep forgetting to make 11:11 wishes, i wanted to wish for sara's formal thing to go well this weekend. oh well, i wish it anyway.

i have no classes friday! math got canceled and we leave after noon for debate so no art history. and i'll see heather! sometime after 1am! i can't really go out with her or anything only because we have to be up wicked early the next day, and she has to put up people in her room so i cant stay with her either, and i also dont even have a sleeping bag which really sucks, but still, i'll get to see nyu. heehee.

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

this is where i've been outside of the US at this point.

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

and this is where i want to have been, twenty or thirty years from now. i have a lot of traveling to do!

there is almost nothing better than being online and being able to talk to both sara and rae at once, and feel almost like the old days, as though we're all fifteen miles apart instead of a hundred or so. it would have been really awesome if heather had been on too, but she hasn't been on AIM lately. i don't know why this struck me today, it just kind of did. i miss you girls a lot...not in a huge way like i cry over it or anything, but just a sort of quiet feeling that strikes me sometimes, like "gee, sara would think that's really funny", etc. maybe you guys feel like i always talk about my FU friends to you, but i realized the other day how much i bring you three up when i'm talking to my friends here. i can't help it; you guys were such a huge part of my existence pre-college. maybe it's a good thing, so when sara and rae eventually visit it won't be like they're people my friends here have never heard of. they'll be like ah, it's the girl who makes scarves and loves hello kitty, and the former x-phile with the younger man *wink* of course, you two are so much more than that. this mood might possibly be influenced by the fact that simon and garfunkel's "bridge over troubled water" is now playing. who knows.

i had a lot of fun last night. i'm really glad that my friends here approved of charles lol. that's usually a good sign! i'm also eagerly anticipating valentine's day. i wish people would get more into the idea of it, that there's an entire day dedicated to telling people that you care! who cares that hallmark and hershey and victoria's secret make a killing off this holiday? doesn't it make people feel so special to have someone else say to them "you're my friend, and i love you", and then hand them a little piece of cardboard with some silly sentiment on it? i know i love it *cheesy grin*

yes where was i? doing homework. must finish in time to see a bit of superbowl commercial fun.