Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Late Night Inspiration


Sometimes I try too hard to write.
The page is fresh and full of possibility.
My hands are warm, poised over the keys.
The cursor blinks out its endless rhythm.
Waiting, always waiting.
It must be ever-patient,
For at times I have spent hours in this position.
It is always the same:
My brow furrows,
My mouth curls into that concentrated scowl
And all my senses focus
On loosing the flow of genius
Which surely lurks just below the surface
Of my temporary mediocrity.

I have heard of poets
Who locked themselves in their studies
With only pen and paper,
And perhaps a glass of water,
For days on end.
Perhaps they thought if they waited long enough
The poetry would surrender
And crawl, emaciated, from its hiding place
To be swiftly chained onto paper.

My poetry, alas, seems to be made of stronger stuff
I suspect it has found some other way
Of supporting itself.
Perhaps in some well-concealed spot inside me
There is a small farm
With tall rows of wheat and corn,
And a few cows and chickens in the dairy.
There is a well and a trickling brook,
And in the evenings the sun dies
In a blaze of glory over the trout pond.
A gentle plume of smoke rises
From the farmhouse where my poetry lives
Content in its solitude
And amused by my clumsy attempts
To draw it out.
Meanwhile, I grind my teeth
And stare at the screen,
Hoping it will give in soon.
Dinner is almost ready,
And I am very hungry.

wrote that tonight...i amuse myself by thinking random little thoughtlings like that.

i smell sexy now, with him all over me. if i close my eyes it's like he's there beside me.






















Tuesday, June 24, 2003

I was looking through my stuff tonight and came across this note between me and ashley from junior year. We used to write notes endlessly in physics because we were so bored....we used to do it in bio freshman year, between us and kat, asking questions back and forth.


Me: Jesus, is it just me or is everything in this class related to sports? Would you rather be trapped with one person in a small room or twenty people in a bigger room?

Ashley: One person in a small room. Ans yup, this class is all about sports. We should talk about rotating cows again. Would you rather listen to Mr. Luddy talk for 24 hours or Mrs Lynch talk for 24 hhours?

Me: Mr. Luddy. He doesn't seem to notice when I'm not paying attention. Lynchie yells at me.

Ashley: True.

Me: Would you rather have a staring contest with Jackie or Pacman?

Ashley: Jackie. I'd lose quickly and i wouldnt have to stare at Pacman's creepy face!
Would you rather be extremely hot or extremely cold for a long time?

Me: Extremely cold. It's easier to put more clothes on than to take them all off...besides i think there's a law about being naked in public. If you had to live with just one person on a desert isle, who would it be?

Ashley: I'd live on an island probably with you because once we got sick of each other we'd have no problem sitting on two different sides of the island by ourselves. Would you rather have to kiss Pacman or Kevlar?

Me: Oh dear god no...I guess Kevlar, because i could then avoid him for the rest of my life. And he's not as scary.

That last bit is really amusing, especially as seeing that "Pacman" turned out to be very cool and not scary...and I didn't end up kissing Kevlar. *cough*

Monday, June 23, 2003

Did anyone else know that Anna Karenina throws herself in front of a train at end end? I didn't, but today alone I have seen no less than three references to that, in the newspaper, in The Hours, which I am currently reading, and in Maxim of all places. I have two copies of that book and I've never made it past page one hundred. Someday.

I'm bringing the Golden Compass to work tonight...also got the Subtle Knife from the library. Creepy retarded guy was there again waving to me!

Sunday, June 22, 2003

You know, acting like a fight didn't happen solves nothing. it wasnt even a fight, more like a brief period of discord, but ignoring does littl good to anyone. i don't feel like discussing it over the phone, though. i'll have to wait till i can see him face to face.

harry potter is amazing. i can't really say anything on the off chance that some unexposed person reads this, i don't want to ruin the experience for anyone. i cried at the end, though. of all the people to die, i wanted that character to die the least. i guess it hit me especially because of the kind of relationship they had, and what kind of impact that had on harry...rowling wrote that from so well. but i really liked the bit that luna lovegood says, about how the dead aren't very far away, they're just behind a veil...

Friday, June 20, 2003

I wrote in a journal down at fairfield....maybe i'll copy that in sometime. i also has this big self-realization thing going on late last night. maybe not self realization. i dont know what it was. something had been bothering me, and i thought about it and wrote this whole long poem and then i felt so much better. yeah it was about greg, and our relationship , and how it was going to work out next year, and after i wrote i felt so relaxed and i just wanted to see him. but when i called him at home i only got the half greg, the part that he can spare for conversation while he's really messing around online. all i could hear were the little keys clicking in the background, and there he was giving the monosyllabic answers that he always does when he's doing something else, and i just wanted to throw the fucking phone against the wall and hang up. He said that he was taking care of something "kind of important". Well la de fucking da. What about every other goddamned time he's talking to his friends or posting? is that kind of important too? because gee, somehow i thought that girlfriends were supposed to be a little more important than a fucking IM. if someone calls that you care about, wouldnt it be nice if you could tear yourself away from the keyboard for ten minutes? all i could think was, is this how it's going to be next year? every time i call am i going to have to compete with the internet? it was just so ironic, that i had come to such a positive conclusion the night before, and then to come home to this shit. and then he acted all shocked that i would be so upset.

im going to try to forget this. harry potter rules!!

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Orientation is tomorrow. I'm all excited. heehee. I'm looking forward to seeing Captain Chris at some point. alison devine will be there, but i doubt i'll see her. harry potter comes out on friday, which is sweet...i guess im dressing up since everyone else is.
there is a song called the politics of dancing. why dancing? there are so many other applications! being a teenager in this day and age practically qualifies you for the fucking united nations.
i want to read dante again. it begins


"Midway upon the journey of our life

I found myself within a forest dark,

For the straightforward pathway had been lost..."

The book i read today, the dante club, made an interesting observation....though this poem is entirely in first person, the very first line uses the inclusive pronoun "our". Dante draws the reader into the experience even before it unfolds. i never usually imagine the classical authors writing with an eye to their audiences. somehow i percieve them to have been writing for themselves, being self-encompassed in their own genius to the point where the acceptance or understanding of others would have been secondary to their joy in their craft. but he wrote for others, so that those who had similarly lost their path could see the light of his shining hope, and perhaps percieve their own beatrice guiding them through the travails of modern life. of course, i see no point in deifying a man who was obviously also quite bitter over his expulsion from florence. his treatment of his enemies in hell is quite indicative of his passion in that respect....yet he also places an Alighieri relative among the Traitors, so he was not entirely acting out of spite, perhaps...
sometimes famous people just don't exist for me. they are merely a name on the paper, a byline, a six-sentence biography. sometimes i feel the desire to walk the ground they walked, to drink from their rivers and pluck fruit from their trees, and try to see what they saw in the world. there was an article in the paper about physicists determining the exact spot and time and date in Provence that Van Gogh painted a picture of a rising moon. they stood on that ground and looked through his eyes. i want to see through dante's eyes. i want to see hell. i want to climb to heaven and have beatrice take me by the hand. i want to believe that this journey will end like his.

Monday, June 16, 2003

I DO NOT WANT TO WORK TONIGHT. sigh. but heather and melissa are going to come visit me before we close so that we can hang out and so that the guys may ogle them as usual. i bet they'll love jessi and jess lol. tanning didnt work out today, no fucking sun, damn it. i'll try tomorrow by myself in my backyard. that fails, hello milano's. ummm i have nothing to read...argh, homey. i was reading candide last night at work and everyone was giving me really weird looks because i kept saying it wasnt for school, i was really just reading it. i should probably call fairfield and find out what time i have to be there on thursday, or something. i actually had some fun with nicole at heather's shindig so maybe i'll see her around at school.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Yay! Look who's going to The Beach tomorrow! except it's not a real beach but melissa's grandpa's pool, but what the hell. i need a tan. time to destroy some of my DNA...but then again that's why we have little proofreaders in there anyway....put em to good use, right?
Harry potter soon!
Heather's grad party was last night....it was a lot of fun. there was coning, and xtreme volleyball, and hot tubs, and make-your-own-sundae, and we went and visited greg's house at midnight so melissa could finally meet him and stroke his chest. i realized that jess stone doesn't hate me like i always thought she did, and that dee is cool! i even had fun with random people like pam, reminiscing about st gabe's days, and nicole, thinking about our bright and glorious future together at fairfield. orientation is thursday! im so excited! i have to be there at 9! dammit!
hilary and julie didnt bother to show up or even tell heather they couldn't come. real nice. i didnt bring heather a gift, oops, but melissa made her this awesome collage that had just about anyone heather has ever associated with on it! it's amazing! i have to make one for my dorm room, man, so people know i have friends. in other news, heather has set each of us on the scent to track her down some dating material before she leaves for disney. one week, my minions!

Thursday, June 12, 2003

"ROAD WORK AHEAD". Thus read the 4 BY 4 sign that we stole from the Mecca of traffic goodies tonight. The damn thing was so huge it barely fit in the back of my car, which is saying something. it was immediately used to add to the preexisting decorations on jess stone's car, whcih was sitting at the averys' house.

I got my first real cone tonight! stole it from katie's house on the way home because she didnt appear to plan to use it for coning.

Oh and met sara's new boyfriend tyler. well he wasnt her boyfriend till after we met him, but whatever. he reminds me of a hybridization of pete and aaron....unfortunately like steve of "follow your nose" fame, he cannot drive, and sara's mom is being prickly about letting her use the car. sucks.

im tired as all hell now. i got like four hours sleep because i got in at 2 and then kept thinking about the ending of the Ring and then had to wake up at 730 and never got back to sleep. poo.

the new heather language is now a mix of gangsta and piratical terms, such as "holla back, matey!" and "ar, my homey". lol

went underwear surfing with heather at victoria's secret! SALE! cute new bra! heather got a miracle bra...like the gal needs a miracle for the Grand Tetons? :-)

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Yay it worked! i was about to find myself a new home and that would have been a pain in the ass.

last night was fun, even though we didn't win the trivia game. we were pretty close, though, and cmon, who the hell reads danielle steele and goes to hooters? that question was impossible. humorously, we saw mr prezch there from northwest. he goes every wednesday. he said he was glad we'd graduated cause now he can let loose. apparently teachers like doing that; jessi told me mrs oberg threw a party for her theater class and they all got drunk together. and kaplan, we know that story, right? *shakes head* anyway, justin and bill showed up once again, along with this guy jay who turned out to be 22. that's pretty funny when you consider that khara's little bro was also there, and he's thirteen. i don't know why he came, exactly, he didn't look to be having too much fun. khara's mom came too after a while. we went back to khara's house to watch the ring, which was a pretty scary fucking movie and then i had to drive home all by myslef and i kept thinking there was something in the back of my car about to kill me. stupid, i know, but i managed to scare myself shitless. oh and melissa gave me a tutorial on how to have sex in the backseat of a car, me playing the guy unfortunately. heather was seriously pimping herself out last night lol with all three guys. she just needs to make that leap, you know, she's already got all the "moves". however she was very useful in that she kept making it clear that i had a boyfriend, which kept that bill guy away. *shudder* good lord. he wanted to drive me back to khara's and so i quickly latched on to jessi. emily assured me that bill's very nice and would never try anything, but hey, i know that at least if jessi tried something on me, it wouldn't be the first time, right? plus i'm just not stupid. i was not raised to go catch a ride with some kid i've only met twice who is so much stronger than me. he showed off by lifting various people horizontally above his head. i refused, being afraid of heights.

Anyway it was all in good fun....i have fun with those set of people in a different way than with my own little group. i mean, i can't really picture myself getting dorky with them like i do with meghan or ashley or something, or having our group's long "deep" discussions that i've had with various persons. but it's still fun to be outrageous and grab your own boobs at times. it's all good.

Let's try this thing again and see if it works. Stupid upgrades.
Oh my...people who refuse to use proper grammar on computers frustrate me. There's something aesthetically displeasing to me about seeing "How r u?" and "2 good 2 b tru" show up on my screen. it's the demise of the english language, i tell you. forget spanglish, we need to worry about internetish.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Ah, so Blogger has so generously decided to become functional once again. how nice of it.

last night i read a novelette by ayn rand called anthem. it was very very short, sort of on the cusp between short novel and a long short story. anyway, it was set in a distant future where alll sense of personal identity has been abolished, and everyone is allowed to speak only in terms of the great WE. they're not allowed to live for themselves, only for and through the goodwill of all their brothers. it's very futuristic and interesting, and the basic plot is the one guy, Equality 55 75 or some other number (no one has a real name), is different from the others, which is a crime, but he figures out a whole bunch of stuff and escapes and founds a new city where men worship themselves, not each other. and he finds out the sacred word, which will get you killed if you say it aloud-- Ego. Not ego in the selfish megalomaniac kind of way, but its original freudian meaning, the actual self identity of man, which should never be sacrificed to the common good. anyway, i reccomend this short little novel. easy to read and makes you think. best kind. of course, those with strong grammatical backgrounds will wince at the use of prounouns; in describing another person, rand would say "they has red hair" because every person is a "we", and not one individual. it's weird.

possibly going to hooters tonight. i hope we actually make it ther this time!

Sunday, June 08, 2003

Well, I had one stress-free day with no mother, sister, or dog. Needless to say, it was one of the best days I've had in months. I came home to a quiet house with some takeout from work, had a leisurely meal, then read for a few hours, then watched a movie until it was time for the agency. this morning i slept until noon with no dog to be let out and no sister to be driven to work. i stayed in a bathrobe until 4 15 when i got ready for work. utter and complete bliss.

and now they're all back.

Friday, June 06, 2003

I got up early today to go the book sale in west hartford....and got the following:
The Godfather : a newer edition than the cracked one i had
The Anthem, by Ayn Rand: i've heard this is a good book
The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis: I've read these before, they're excellent.
Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters: these poems are just so good. so damn good.
Three little books on art in spain, one on Goya, one on Velasquez, and one on El Escorial, that place we visited up in the mountains with the coffin room.
Descartes' Discourse on the Method: read this last year, got confused by it, thought i'd read it again.
Candide by Voltaire: one of the best satires ever written....i thought my edition was bad, turns out it wasn't, so now i have two in great condition. anyone want one?
a book called the fencing master, it looked pretty good, said it was a times bestseller
Catch 22 by joseph heller: this has been on my "to read" list for a long time, and now it is mine...
Bullfinch's mythology: good reference text. bought this for the same reason i bought bertrand russel's guide to philosophy, just in case i need it.
to dance with kings, by rosalind laker: i love her books. she writes about france during the courts of the great kings...most of my favorite novels are historical fiction. i usually like them with some element of mysticism or magic in them, so they're real and yet not, but this one is actually straight hist fic during the court of the sun king, my very favorite ruler of all...
I also bought a book of Milton, probably for reference, a book called the cat who came for christmas (purchased solely because the back said it would describe the cat's encounters with various personages, including george c. scott and CARY GRANT!), and a book called the emperor of the air, oh and the gulag archipelago part two, by solzhenitsyn, simply because i felt in an odd way that i owed it to the man...i wrote a paper on him this year, about his fight for truth and justice. i really respect what he did, in reconstructing the ghosts of a past everyone else just wanted to forget. millions of people, dead at the hands of a power crazed paranoiac, and so few wanted to confront the reality of it all. it made the holocaust look like a car accident, and yet there is so little public knowledge of the atrocities committed by this man against his own people. all in the name of ideology.

anyway good times with book buying! my mom rolled her eyes at the sight of all of them..and, as i knew she would, launched a speech about why we should not keep my dad's books. sigh.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Woke up this morning to the shocking realization that---I don't miss it at all. hahaha. heather said she dreamt of school last night. i didn't. we'll see everyone again at thanksgiving but until then, au revoir.

so i feel like i'm drowning in the minutae of everyday life here. i think i may very well begin to live at the library. soon i will have a toothbrush and an extra pair of underwear there, and perhaps after that a sleeping bag, a flashlight, and some non-perishable food. the people who work there know me so well i doubt it would surprise them if i simply never left one day. or maybe, having exhausted the resources of windsor, i'll transfer my attentions over to west hartford. i've never felt much affinity for bloomfield. then again, something about west hartford is unappealling. it's unfamiliar, but not in the exciting way. so i might wind up a homeless library liver. maybe i'll just stay here after all?

still, visiting the library today gained me the book i've been wanting to read all year--red rabbit, the latest tom clancy. i'm about 150 pages in, and there's more than 600, so i've a ways to go. but it's interesting, very interesting. no other author could be so informative about the stifling bureaucracy and utter incomprehsibility of communist ideology. although i've noticed that in some small points he'll repeat himself, when he's relating some little piece of background information that you should know. like early in the book he decribes the new nanny for Ryan's kids, the daughter of a south african minister who has to be checked out or "vetted" by CIA and SIS, the british agency. then a hundred pages later, she finally enters the story, and he repeats the same info about her almost word for word. it's strange. i wonder if he had the character filled out in his mind and then forgot that he described her already? who knows.

book sale tomorrow in west hartford. yipee! there's almost nothing i love more than acquiring books, although i am so out of room for them. i even went through and picked out some books that i either didn't like or never read and never will, and donated them to the library, but that only gained me about a foot of space. all the other bookshelves are filled with my dad's technical sciencey books ,and if i make one peep about them my mom will seize the opportunity to junk them. only my insistence has protected them thus far, and i only protect them because, in one of the queer actions that my sister later declared to be prescient knowledge of his own death, my dad asked me a few weeks before he died to keep his all of his manuals and books safe in case anything ever happened to him. it was around this same time that he showed me which key on his keyring unlocked his gun cabinet, another thing that struck me as odd at the time. he said it was if i ever needed to get them for some reason, though if he meant protection, they would have done me little good since they were all unloaded. if there was someone in the house, what are the chances i could have gotten his keys, opened the heavy cabinet, found the right bullets for the right gun and then loaded it in the dark? please, i would have just locked myself in the bathroom. much easier and probably safer.

anyway, off to write emails.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

I'm not going to say anything about graduation. I refuse to dwell on what happened, what didn't happen, or what might have been. fuck it. high school's over, and i didn't really want to see most of those people again anyway. It's over. Ok I will say this about graduation--when we went up there, waiting for the ceremony to begin and everyone started crying in anticipation, all i was thinking was "it's about goddamned time."

However, the night before graduation is something I'll dwell on!! i finally realize why heather has so much fun hanging out with khara and jess and melissa. even though we didn't make it to hooters, it was such a total blast. emily ended up bringing a very attractive friend, justin, who in turn called a friend to tel him that he was the only guy with seven girls, so of course this other kid came running. we ended up wandering around khara's neighborhood playing some twister and then truth or dare. and, as in any gathering where there are horny persons of the opposite sex, there was flirting and groping and innuendos out the ying yang. mostly it was jessi and melissa vying over who would get down justin's pants. melissa was nice and eventually gave jessi a dare to kiss him, which is exactly what jessi wanted....poor melissa. then there was the requisite flashing and naked jogging, guys weaing bras and girls touching their boobs. a carload of drunken guys who live near khara tried to pick us all up to play beer pong. im not really sure what that is, but we declined, though khara looked like she wanted to say yes. justin invited us all to his houseboat on friday night, but i'm not really too interested in going...it's main feature is two bedrooms.hmmmm what possible purpose would there be in going to a place with two bedrooms? gee! yeah there was this definite separation between me, lindsey, khara and jess stone, who all have boyfriends, and then everyone else who didnt and was therefore up for grabs. but it was still fun to flirt anyway. apparently the other guy, bill, was attracted to moi, as ferreted out by melissa. i felt kind of bad for him. he wasn't very attractive, and he reminded me of aaron meadows, with the muscles and all. blech. i like my men short and scrawny thank you. speaking of which, we coned greg's car in the dead of night. :-) ah, fun times. i kept trying to give heather interesting dares, like kissing a girl, kissing a guy, groping a guy, but she didn't want to grope anyone and she "pecked" justin and jessi. amazingly enough, even i got some action last night! with not one, but TWO DeLeons! i think it was kind of harder kissing jessi because i've been closer to her. melissa was good, we were joking that we would both pretend the other one was greg and go from there. never kissed anyone with a tongue piercing before, but now that i've kissed two, i can say that they are weird as hell. it's like this random hard thing right in the middle of the other person's tongue, like a tumor. lol melissa was worried after that she was going to get me in trouble with greg, and i assured her that i really don't think he'll mind. hey, i would have no problems if he were off kissing guys. although i'd wanna be there. i tried getting justin and bill to go at it, but apparently they were very close friends and adamantly refused. shucks.that would have been like a perfect evening!

well it's late, i'm exhausted, and i should probably go to bed. i never would have lasted on the cruise anyway. what i want more than anything right now is to talk to greg, but he's not going to come online if he hasn't already by now

Monday, June 02, 2003

I've decided not to wait. Goodnight, world.
Tired....so tired...and wondering whether I should try to keep my eyes open in case greg steals online later. I did that last night, watching Bringing Up Baby with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn, which is a very good movie, but he didn't come online. I could watch another movie, I have The Bishop's Wife (also a Cary Grant one) and Amadeus, because Rae has been extolling its virtues, but I have graduation practice tomorrow, and possibly a haircut as well. Yet I'm lonely, because I miss having a boyfriend that I'm actually allowed to talk to and hang out with.