Thoughts

Carla mocks me because I never seem to have any homework....oh well. Three of my classes don't have actual finals or midterms, so I'm happy. Started intro to drawing today and already felt woefully inadequate just drawing an egg. Creative writing is joyous, as I expected.

Tonight we met our mentor groups for IRC. This is a small group of kids plus one mentor that we meet with once a month all year, with specific things we talk about. They gave us each these nice leather-esque Ignatian journals to use, except I'm a lefty and I don't know if I actually will. My mentor, George, works up in bellarmine. my group seems nice enough (there's one hot italian guy, jonathon). I'm looking forward to the first retreat, which is a week from friday.

I enjoy having guy friends. I like having guys like steve that I can literally talk to online for hours and have really interesting conversations with. Still seems strange how many girl friends I lack compared to the at-home crowd. I'm going to start writing letters this week, I promise.

Strange how far Andrew and I have come since this time last year. Tonight we had a talk about role reversal and the events of last year, and I was glad we could talk frankly and honestly. Time gives you that needed distance. In talking about being free to do whatever with whomever, he was kind enough to assure me that i could have most guys drooling if i so choose. I don't quite believe that, but I was surprised he would say it. I have many diverse interests in terms of guys. A couple of them are from the guys down the hall (as opposed to my closer guy friends, whom i love dearly, but no). I'm not really interested in them per se but I'd be interested in hooking up with them....I just wonder if that would make things terribly awkward. Also, if I hooked up with one would that mean I couldn't hook up with any of the others?

Since I have done so many things in the past that were, on review, inadvisable, I find myself subjecting my desires to greater scrutiny. Like the desire to hook up with guys I'm friends with. Yes, I'm attracted to them, but I value their company more than that. Also, I've done things for bad reasons before. Examples: I kissed that guy Matt on new year's because I felt bad for him. I dated Charles partially because I knew he really liked me and because Melissa thought it was a really good idea. I've gone on a date with Deconti when I didn't really want to have a date because I kind of felt bad for him. Hence I distrust my feelings of sympathy, because I worry they could get parlayed into some kind of action on my part that I take not because of a romantic interest, but more of a desire to make the other person happy. Basically it's me trying to be nice--this is not good. Resolution: BE EVIL!!