Musing

Regret and guilt are strange creatures. Once you've made a bed you have to lie in it, of course, but I hope in the future I see these mistakes before I make them. Or maybe that's just the point, that I've made this many mistakes so that I'll know what not to do in the future. I hope that's the case. But something tells me there are just so many other mistakes out there, waiting to be made, that I've only taken care of what amounts to a few drops in the bucket. I can't even blame a lack of common sense for everything that's happened. Sometimes you can't see through the fog of what you want to determine what's really the best for you.

I'm in a bad, contemplative mood today. Everything makes me think, when all I want to do is clear my mind. I can't clear my mind, ever, I'm the world's worst meditater. I think I'm falling into one of those moods, like heather has on her site sometimes, of feeling like just the stupidest crappiest person ever. Not intelligence-wise, in fact I've been inordinately pleased with both of the papers I wrote for Regan this past week, but in everything else. Just in being a person. I don't suck, but I feel very fatigued at the thought of even trying to be a good person right now. I kind of want to get away from here and go home, how strange is that? Usually I go home already anticipating my return to Fairfield, but right now, what would I not give for a quiet evening at home, even with my mom pestering me to fix lightbulbs and the dog barking and the cat insisting on sleeping on the book I'm trying to read. I'd settle for a home where Jen is even...that's how much I'd just rather not be here right now. I'd rather not be me right now, I guess. At home I have some measure of anonymity, I can just be, just watch TV and write and read my books, don't have to see anyone if I don't want to. It's not even feeling antisocial, because Carla just got home and I'm not "grrr, go away so I can type angrily on my blog!" I just want to get away from feeling anything, worrying about anything, thinking about anything. I want to float. I want to sleep but not to dream.

Quite possibly my mood will change dramatically tomorrow. Anyway, as it is, I have no choice but to see people, to be here. I think what I would like is a day to myself, but even that can't happen soon, because I have the tournament in NYC this weekend, and Jamie's throwing a party Saturday night, and then Sunday I'll have all my work.

I want to put colored highlights in my hair. Blue. Or red.
I want to get on a train and go somewhere. Just me.
I want to go to a loud concert and scream knowing no one can hear me in the crowd.
I want to write letters and really write them, like in the old days. Now that we have phones and computers, it feels like there is less to say on paper. I like paper.
I want to go to my mailbox and find a letter from someone I didn't expect.
I want a vacation. A real one. Where I go somewhere and do nothing for days.
Most of all, I want the four of us together again. That's when I feel the best, when I feel most myself. No, I always feel myself. Maybe I'm just the best version of myself when we're together.