Out

I did it; seven months to the day after my mom died, I moved out of my house and into my apartment. The house is locked up, empty, and ready for the closing Monday. I didn't even look back when we drove away because I was too busy not crashing the Penske truck.

I don't have a home anymore. Funny how I spent so much time trying to get my mom to leave that house, and then trying to leave it myself these past months, and now I'm finally done. For better or for worse I'll never set foot in there again. I used to think, the way all kids do, that I'd always have a room there, that my mom would never make me pack up my things so she could turn it into another den or something. Now that's gone, and my grandfather's house is gone without me ever even having been inside it again, and those were the only two homes I ever knew. Sean promised me tonight that we'll have a home again together, and I know we will, but I can never get back the feeling of security that comes from being in your parents' house.

I won't even begin to catalogue the number of fiascos we had the past two days; they're all over and done with, thank god. Now all that's left is for everyone to inquire politely about how moving out went, and say "oh, good!" when I tell them everything was OK. Sean told me that I can't expect anyone else to understand exactly how hard this was, and I know I can't. I just hate the way everyone seems to think it's been so easy, like it was nothing I couldn't handle. I hate that I had to do this. I hate that I've spent so much time this year just being anxious about my to-do list. I hate that I had to be the one to handle everything because my sister washed her hands of it. I hate that I had to be the responsible one. I hate it that she died and left me here. Most of all I hate that I can't even cry about this in my own damn room, because here come Sarah and Carla up the stairs, laughing about some bollywood movie crap, and if they see I'm crying, I'm sure they'll be very concerned and ask what's wrong, but they won't understand, because they can't understand. And I'm tired of being strong and making it through. I want to be beyond this.