Friday, August 02, 2002

The Lady of Shalott


On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And through the field the road run by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.
Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
The Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I memorized this poem once, like in Anne of Green Gables, so that I could go around and recite it to myself. I thought it was one of the most lyrical poems I had ever read. However, I was never inspired to dress myself up as Elaine and send myself floating downriver on a funereal barge--which would inevitably sink and leave me clinging to the side of a bridge, thus necesitating my rescue by the handsome Gilbert Blythe. Um....not like I reread those books all the time, or anything.

just said goodbye to meghan on the phone...she leaves tomorrow for New Mexico for a couple weeks. what is it with people i love ditching me to go camping in NM? well, a week and a half until the HILL trip. minus meghan, it's me and my friends and four days of sweaty bonding. plus those four random guys who for some reason are in the class. i really think the reason connor and chris are there is because mr. tressler didn't want it to be just poor luke and steve against fourteen girls. they wouldn't stand a chance.
i guess i'm going to be sharing a tent with heather and rae for sure; heather figures sara will want to tent with annie, who will want to tent with taryn and maybe jennie. rae and heather want our fourth tent person to be a certain grumpy young man whom has been long fancied by the female half of the Northwest population. never me, of course *cough cough* it cracks me up to just think of him waking up next to heather. heeheehee.
Someday

everything will be ok someday they say
but i'm sick and tired of waiting around for someday
i want someday to be now
i want to know what it's like to never worry to never lie
i want to know what it's like to be happy to never die
when's the day that everything will be ok
when's that day because i know it's not today
and i'm so fucked up
and everything is so in vain
but everything is going to be ok
someday
~greg paul

i love living in a house with no men. i enjoy the freedom to run around scantily clad at all hours, probably to the great horror of my neighbors. i would be quite amused by the possibility of answering the door with only a strategically placed towel, but i don't think old mrs. long would take the shock well. she might fall over and die.
i suppose i should begin those dreadful assignments for school. ugh. i haven't read three of the four books yet. i'm almost done with LOTR, thankfully, although i took time out this afternoon to read The Princess Diaries Volume III. short book, but so good *sniffle*
you know what we watched last night? well if you're rae or heather, you do, actually, but anyway....Robin Hood!! the Disney version with the foxes and other animals!! :-) It has to be my favorite Disney movie of all time. when i was a kid that was the first movie i'd always try to get from the library, but my mom got so tired of seeing it she tried to not let me take it out anymore. but i hadn't seen it in years, so when we watched it everything was so hysterical again! and sad. there are many parts that make you go "aw...." like the little poor rabbits and the old owl couple in prison...*wipes away a tear* i think i need to buy myself that movie. heather had it taped off the disney channel, but it was still surprisingly good quality. but i want the shiny plastic box, too. i just hope they haven't stopped selling it now...such a great film. and Sir Hiss heehee god i loved that snake! heather and i both love the romantic waterfall scene, naturally, but we both remembered it being a little different from the way it really went. rae had never seen it, egads! so she needed to be shown the glory of that foxy Sherwoo Forest bandit.
continuing in this theme, perhaps i should watch Robin Hood Men In Tights again. I love all the Robin Hood movies, even that bad one with Kevin Costner. Legends of Robin Hood were my favorite when i was but a small child reading this one volume of my dad's encyclopedia that had all the fables, myths and legends my little heart could desire. only thing i never read were aesop's fables because they bored me. it's sad though, i never liked the end of the robin hood tales. maid marian dies, robin hood's old and dying in some convent, and he has little john give him his bow one last time so he can shoot it out the window; where it falls, he is to be buried. there's some poem he recites too, but i forgot it.

my hair's almost dry. i think i need to find myself some clothes now.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

nothing works for an upset mind better than driving around with your stereo so loud you might just crack the windows. my mom sent me to the grocery store for baking powder--to make delicious banana bread--and i cranked it up as loud as i could physically stand without wincing. it really makes you feel like you're inside the music....but it leaves an unfortunate ringing in the ears once you shut it off.
even my sister's being nice to me. i'm frightened. she bought me a book of !!! crossword puzzles. i didn't even know she knew i liked doing them. but they're not the hard ones that i like.

had a fun time at sara's today with heather. i love girl talks; i usually just get them one on one; me and heather, meghan, sara or rae, but rarely a combination of people. it's nice. heather and her flapping-in-the wind sexually suggestive motions, which she was performing in front of sara's wide open front door for the pleasure of the populace, made me laugh. heehee. i love heather. tonight, her show mame is on, which i have to go get dressed for. i don't feel like getting dressed. i feel like going as i am now, with the too-short ducky boxers and pink tshirt and totally messed up hair that i haven't brushed. i went into koko's like this. well, i had my hair in a ponytail then cause we'd come over from the gym. but the proprietress said that compared to the getups some young people wear, mine was "mild". that's good to know. however, there will be many people at this show with whom i must attend school that i haven't seen all summer, and i don't really need their first memory of me to be quite this frightening. us in our little uniforms is scary enough. god just thinking about those skirts and the damned knee highs makes me ill . i hate having to cross my ankles all the time. one more month and then they're back again. two months from today is a.) my seventeenth birthday and b.)the day we start having to wear our awful sweaters until fucking may. by which time i'll be a-graduation anyway. wow, by then i will have been rejected from harvard. or, with some divine intervention, accepted. then one more summer and i'm off and free, free of windsor and my family and everything about high school that i hated, except for the people i'll always love. you guys i'll keep. it seems so far away, us all having to say goodbye. but i know all too well how time flies...it's been two and a half years now since he died. he left me a freshman, and now i'm getting ready to go off to college. what would he have thought, to see me now...
that's a recurring chain of thought for me. once i get started thinking about him i can go on for hours and never reach any sort of a conclusion. better not to try, and just go get dressed.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Dad, I miss you
A couple of my dad's friends are over my house right now, talking to my sister. They've given her a scholarship every year since she's been at school--which she used once to purchase an expensive laptop computer which she ended up detesting and giving to me *eyes laptop lovingly*
Anyway I used to love these guys when I was younger, especially Bruce Chamberlain, who is roughly the size of a small elephant and the most amazing chef I have ever met. But now I'm wondering why the heck they're still here, because I really need to go shower and go buy some things for the project that I need to finish by tomorrow, but if I go upstairs I fear I'll be sucked in with the questions about school and life etc etc. Ack.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

greg came home tonight....what can i say? you'd have needed one hell of a giant-sized eraser to wipe the smile off my face. it's still there now when i think of him.


when he got off the plane...he was in his little boy scout uniform, and hadn't showered, so of course he smelled pretty bad, and still i thought he was more beautiful then than i had ever seen him. i'd thought i had his face memorized, but seeing him reminded me that no memory can ever take the place of the real thing. it was like the two weeks without him were some weird dream, and suddenly there he was again. Poe wrote "Arousing from the most profound of slumbers, we break the gossamer web of some dream..."
Never have I been so happy to have that gossamer web torn to pieces. It's terrible: i made it through two weeks without him, but now after seeing him for so short a time tonight i don't know how i'll make it until tomorrow night...

Sweet dreams to all.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

who are you,little i

(five or six years old)
peering from some high

window;at the gold


of november sunset

(and feeling:that if day
has to become night

this is a beautiful way)
~e.e. cummings
Wowie that was a big font. Well, it deserves big, because I'm so happy he's coming home!

Greg comes home tomorrow!

We got our scores for the AP exams about a week ago. I only think of it again now because the report is sitting right next to me, and its contradictory results are glaringly obvious. i already knew I had gotten a five in US History *yipee* I had suspected the worst of my Physics exam, the one I didn't actually bother to finish. Expected the worst and hoped for the best, that's what I did. I got the worst--a one! It doesn't bother me except in the abstract; I feel bad my for my poor physics teacher, so convinced we'd all get fours. No one I know got a four. Three is the highest I've heard of so far. He did make it sound ridiculously easy to achieve a three, and we shouldn't have believed him, but I hope he's not too disappointed in us.

Yawwwn. I offered to close for Kate tonight, since she works two jobs and was really tired....almost all the waitresses have two jobs..Kate does paper-pushing at GE, Rebecca does CAD programming at a construction company, Karen works at the cafe in the new Bushnell theater, where she's in love with the guy she works for. I like Karen, even though most of the others waitresses confided that they don't really like her because she's so weird. The first time I saw her, she had her close-cropped hair in a tiny ponytail on the top of her head like Pebbles from the Flintstones. She just came back to the US after living with some guy in Athens for five years. It didn't end well, apparently.
All waitresses love to gossip, naturally. It's the most interesting thing you can do to pass the time. Being only sixteen, I don't have much to put into these spicy conversations, but what I get out of them is always intriguing. Tonight, for example, I found out that Rebecca, who is 25, has been dating a 45-year old married man for several years now. He finally separated from his wife after he and Rebecca broke up over it more than once, and they're living together. Apparently, she throws him out regularly and did it again just last week. He also has kids who are Rebecca's age, who aren't taking dad's new relationship so well. They're planning to get married, eventually. In five years, Rebecca will be 30, and this man will be fifty. Truly, love is blind.
I also discovered that this woman Janet had my grandmother as her third grade teacher. She said that Mrs. Hennessey always made her write out "I will not talk in class" all over pieces of paper because she was so talkative. She also knows Mr. Dumais from Northwest, because his brother is married to her niece. Small world.

In conclusion, I am tired, and Greg comes home in two days. :-)

Monday, July 22, 2002

I watched Scarlet Empress late last night, with Marlene Dietrich as Catherine the Great. It was a really intriguing movie, besides one roll-your-eyes bit in the beginning with the tall, dark, dashing general declaring his deep and abiding love for a young girl whom he has just met. Oh, and a charming demonstration of exactly what is meant by the phrase "a roll in the hay". Dietrich came off beautifully--as she does in every movie--showing Catherine from her beginnings as a sheltered German princess to a hardened woman, the most powerful in her time. They kept pretty true to Catherine's life (besides her and her lovers all being unattractive), and didn't sink to having her reunite with Mr. Oh-So-Handsome and Slept-With-Your-Predecessor general.
The costumes are wonderful, as well, though I can't imagine how those women managed! This was in the times when women got their waists cinched in until they could barely breathe, then got plopped into what amounted to a big wire birdcage, over which went all the skirts and petticoats. I read in Dietrich's autobiography that they couldn't fit her skirt in the studio's car when she was in costume, so they had to take her to the set in the back of a farm wagon. That was probably the reason that palaces always had double doors in those days, so that the girls could fit themselves through without turning sideways. It looked kind of ridiculous, the tiny waists and then huge skirts, but then again, I'm certain some of our modern fashions would make those women choke on their hot chocolate. I mean, compare how much skin they used to show, back in the days when seeing a woman's ankle was tantamount to foreplay, to what's revealed by your average cocktail dress today. Their negligee was less revealing most of what we wear every day. Obviously what we wear is more comfortable, but I think a lot of clothes leave too little to the imagination.
As for male fashion, it reached its peak in the days of the noble toga, and has been going downhill ever since.

If I had a superpower I know what it would be....it would be that when I touched someone, I could know their entire lives in an instant--where they grew up, their first love, how much they hate their job, their favorite brand of jeans, how many cups of coffee they drink in the morning. I'd know the color of their bathroom, how long it'd been since they'd been on a date, how their sheets felt, what the view was out their windows in the morning. I would get all that and more, every memory and thought and feeling, all the love and remorse and confusion and joy they'd ever experienced and I would know them, better than anyone else ever had, for just one second. And then it would all go away, like a dream, so that I could just recollect vaguely what it had all been about, but not the hows and whys....
I would take my new power everywhere, and I would use it all the time. Imagine being able to discern exactly what someone needed, and being able to just be that for them. Imagine what that could mean to someone who can't seem to express what they need, or might not even know it themselves.

Saturday, July 20, 2002

Old people can be so annoying. Today I got sniped at by more than a few of these "redundantly living" for failing to seat them in the section by the window, which has an utterly fabulous view of asphalt. Only once so far have I ever tried to explain that there is sort of a formula for seating people, so that all the waitresses get an equal number of tables, and no one has too many or too few. I heartily regret that one error, because that little old lady glowered and complained until she got her premier parking-lot position. So now I just give them the seats they want, which doesn't win me points with the waitress working that section, either. And then they make no attempt to conceal the fact that they're complaining about me the next time I walk by.


oDE

o

the sweet & aged people
who rule this world(and me and
you if we're not very
careful)

O,

the darling benevolent mindless
HE-and-She
shaped waxworks filled
with dead ideas(the oh

quintillions of incredible
doddering godly toothless
always-so-much-interested-
in-everybody-else's-business

bipeds)OH
the bothering
dear unnecessary hairless
o

ld

~e.e. cummings

Seems that the man and I are of an accord.

Friday, July 19, 2002

Patterns


I walk down the garden paths,
And all the daffodils
Are blowing, and the bright blue squills.
I walk down the patterned garden-paths
In my stiff, brocaded gown.
With my powdered hair and jewelled fan,
I too am a rare
Pattern. As I wander down
The garden paths.

My dress is richly figured,
And the train
Makes a pink and silver stain
On the gravel, and the thrift
Of the borders.
Just a plate of current fashion,
Tripping by in high-heeled, ribboned shoes.
Not a softness anywhere about me,
Only whalebone and brocade.
And I sink on a seat in the shade
Of a lime tree. For my passion
Wars against the stiff brocade.
The daffodils and squills
Flutter in the breeze
As they please.
And I weep;
For the lime-tree is in blossom
And one small flower has dropped upon my bosom.

And the plashing of waterdrops
In the marble fountain
Comes down the garden-paths.
The dripping never stops.
Underneath my stiffened gown
Is the softness of a woman bathing in a marble basin,
A basin in the midst of hedges grown
So thick, she cannot see her lover hiding,
But she guesses he is near,
And the sliding of the water
Seems the stroking of a dear
Hand upon her.
What is Summer in a fine brocaded gown!
I should like to see it lying in a heap upon the ground.
All the pink and silver crumpled up on the ground.

I would be the pink and silver as I ran along the paths,
And he would stumble after,
Bewildered by my laughter.
I should see the sun flashing from his sword-hilt and the buckles
on his shoes.
I would choose
To lead him in a maze along the patterned paths,
A bright and laughing maze for my heavy-booted lover,
Till he caught me in the shade,
And the buttons of his waistcoat bruised my body as he clasped me,
Aching, melting, unafraid.
With the shadows of the leaves and the sundrops,
And the plopping of the waterdrops,
All about us in the open afternoon --
I am very like to swoon
With the weight of this brocade,
For the sun sifts through the shade.

Underneath the fallen blossom
In my bosom,
Is a letter I have hid.
It was brought to me this morning by a rider from the Duke.
"Madam, we regret to inform you that Lord Hartwell
Died in action Thursday se'nnight."
As I read it in the white, morning sunlight,
The letters squirmed like snakes.
"Any answer, Madam," said my footman.
"No," I told him.
"See that the messenger takes some refreshment.
No, no answer."
And I walked into the garden,
Up and down the patterned paths,
In my stiff, correct brocade.
The blue and yellow flowers stood up proudly in the sun,
Each one.
I stood upright too,
Held rigid to the pattern
By the stiffness of my gown.
Up and down I walked,
Up and down.

In a month he would have been my husband.
In a month, here, underneath this lime,
We would have broke the pattern;
He for me, and I for him,
He as Colonel, I as Lady,
On this shady seat.
He had a whim
That sunlight carried blessing.
And I answered, "It shall be as you have said."
Now he is dead.

In Summer and in Winter I shall walk
Up and down
The patterned garden-paths
In my stiff, brocaded gown.
The squills and daffodils
Will give place to pillared roses, and to asters, and to snow.
I shall go
Up and down,
In my gown.
Gorgeously arrayed,
Boned and stayed.
And the softness of my body will be guarded from embrace
By each button, hook, and lace.
For the man who should loose me is dead,
Fighting with the Duke in Flanders,
In a pattern called a war.
Christ! What are patterns for?
~Amy Lowell

Patterns, patterns, and more patterns....give me a vision of a woman, a proud woman, a face unlined but eyes ancient, lashed by the corset-strings to the great rack of a society that is breaking her just a little more with every turn. Show me the afterglow of a dream in ruins, and tell me that all this has a purpose.

What have I felt today?

Residual anger...it shouldn't have happened.

Loneliness. I miss the people who aren't with me, and I can't wait till they come home.

Trepidation. No one's ever sure of the future. But I look ahead and see so many maybes, so many could-bes, that I find it hard to pick and choose the ones I would want, because I know I can't have them all...

Frustration--sometimes I just wish that baloon would come and take me up beyond the churches and steeples, to the city in the sky filled with pretty people where everyone's in love and flowers pick themselves

Confusion, sadness, resentment. I never sorted out that jigsaw puzzle...I still can't seem to make sense of the picture. I feel energy building to some sort of a climax, but I can't foresee the outcome. All I know is I both want it and don't.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Mmmm....sometimes I wish I could write like e.e. cummings...and sometimes I just get frustrated and I'm like ok that just doesn't make any sense whatsoever!! More the former, though. I got his complete works from the library and was quite interested to discover that more than a few were rather sexually frank, if not downright explicit. I always imagined him to be this old man who only wrote about death and spring and puddles. They're not overly appealing since they're all written from a male point of view, and you get the feeling that he didn't like all of these woman. Either that, or in a very messed up way he thought using terms like "manure-shaped head", "white worm of her nakedness" and "vital vicious vegetable of her mouth" to describe his partners was flattering. *shakes head* I think I'd rather prefer thinking that he just didn't like them anymore.



i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,slowing stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric fur,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
~e.e. cummings

Can you imagine the havoc that must have wreaked on whichever typist did e.e.cumming's work? you can't use spellcheck because it would go insane. but then again, if he messed up, we'd never figure it out, and maybe neither would he.

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

I got paid today! Yay. 136 bucks, which means I now have around two hundred in the bank. Not bad, but I still have a long way to go if I want to pay for that HILL trip.
Oooh and more good news, I got a 5 on the AP History exam! My teacher, Fitz, called Heather's house to tell her--she got a five too--and found me and Sara there, watching the Marilyn Monroe movie How To Marry A Millionaire. (It is not, as a my mom mistakenly thought, connected to the reality show Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire). We were all on the phone with him for quite a while, and it was highly amusing as Fitz always is when you're not in his class. History was frustrating as all hell this year because while he is hysterically funny most of the time, his totally over-the-top comments and jokes make my inner feminist rise to the occasion. Even our fights were generally amusing, to be sure, and I managed to produce two satirical ballads for him, to his great delight. Plus the aura in that class was so very male. I mean, we had Steve (with whom Fitz is in a love-adoration relationship), the class clowns/village idiots Tim and Conor, silent Andrew, Farmboy Jeff, sort of silent Luke, Steve's tall pal, and the ever-bigoted future dictator, Trevor. And for girls? Ones that stayed quiet or always agreed with him and laughed, except for the Back Row Girls which were me, Sara, Heather (always vocal. always.) Caitlin, and sometimes Ashley too. Fitz believed we were a subversive group, of which I was ringleader, out to undermine his control of the class. Actually we were just annoyed, and spent our time cracking jokes and passing notes openly. All this may have conspired to eqarn me the Most Likely to Drive A Teacher to Suicide in the Paper Plate Awards. Fitz likes me anyway.
Of course the class was a blast in many respects, even though I hate US history in general, but now he's bothering me to take his class next year. AP government. Well number one, I don't like politics. They bore me. Number two, I don't know if I wantt to take a third AP exam, along with Bio and English. However, I know I can ace Fitz' class, it looks good on the old transcript, and a part of me does miss the fat Irishman. Just dropping in wouldn't be like seeing his chubby face lighting up with malicious glee every day. Plus it's first period, not eighth, and it's only half a year. In conclusion, unless something happens to stop me I'm probably going to sign myself up. Rae's taking it too, I think. Sara tried to tell me not too, which was kind, but the more I think the more I kind of want to.
This is all moot, of course, if it won't fit my schedule. But---gasp---the best news of all?? Mrs. Kane RETIRED! Thank the good Lord above and hallelujah, because if I had to endure another year of her owlish face in the library dealing out detentions left and right, I'd throw a book at her. But what are the chances of a senior spending any time in the library anyway? It's me, so the chances are pretty good. Let's hope the classified ad for the position doesn't go: "Lonely, vitriolic old maid sought for librarian position in parochial school. Must be able to deliver forty-five minute speech on library donors to each and every freshman student. Ugliness a plus."
Fitz also told me that Haglund told him that our Bio class is all female. Interesting, I've never been in a single sex class before...unless you count Creative Writing this year, with poor Andrew the lone representative of his gender. I miss that class, though not the dreaded Lynchie.

Monday, July 15, 2002

Power went out today. This isn't an unknown occurrence, but it was the first time in memory when it went out and stayed out, for about two hours. There I was, in the fading light of dusk with a pile of oh-so tempting books fresh from the library, unable to read in front of the windows. I'm not particularly fond of trying to balance a flashlight and turn pages at the same time, so instead I lit a bunch of candles (enough to send my mom into a panic: "Didn't you hear about that house fire in Hartford that was started by a candle?!") in the kitchen and started on The Plague Tales, which fit the dark-ish environment. The effect of the candles was cool. It made everything so warm, made the room small and cozy. It felt as though the only real world was what was inside the radius of illumination, and that everything beyond loomed large and dark and foreign. I was actually rather annoyed when the lights came back on and the TV started up. I think we all underestimate the virtue of silence. So says the little philosopher, sitting here making an ungodly clacking on the keys while her music blares through the headphones! It really was nice, though.

I bought the most interesting pants today. I haven't bought really tight pants in a while, so it was odd not feeling the usual swish of air when I moved. But the cool thing is that instead of a zipper, they lace up with rawhide in front. They'd be perfect if not for the fact that I really need to go get a belt. Cause they pretty much fall off when I sit down. Among the other purchases made were a pair of hot pink underwear with a duck on them!! :-) Really, I'm amazed that our fascination with these particular waterfowl has endured four years now. I wonder if we'll still be referring to them as the ducks when we're in college. Or when we see them at class reunions, god forbid.
Nine fifteen already. Whatever shall I do with myself now? Go back and read, probably. I forgot to get a book of crossword puzzles to keep me occupied at work. Reading Glamour and Cosmo is certainly intriguing for a while, but the interest pales quickly. I did get the entire collection of e.e. cumming's poems and thomas more's utopia. I shouldn't have gotten another classic read when I wanted to start the Republic, I know, but it was such a cute book.
When I am rich, instead of a personal shopper I will have a personal reader. This lucky individual will be payed by me, with full benefits, to spend their time reading books and finding ones that I would like. Of course they'd have to know me pretty well, but I could train them, right? Saves me the time. Book lists and reviews rarely help me; one because I have no intention of buying the books until I have read them and like them, and two because sometimes books that appeal to one reviewer would never click with me. I just can't rely on them. My friends and I all tend to read the same books, so they're not always a source of new material. They do get me moving sometimes, though. Example: Rae mentions Republic one day, Michelle goes home, digs up her copy, and finally opens it. Next day: hasn't gotten past opening it. Oops.

Yaaaawwwwn. I don't know why I bother staying up late at night. Then I'm just extra grumpy when Jen wakes me up to drive her to work. It is so amazing that I haven't hit anything, cause I'm on complete autopilot in the morning.
I have to stop reading those vampire books. I need a change of pace! I've read five of the seven Greg lent me. I think I'm going to work on Plato's Republic tomorrow anyway...that's one of the ones I've had but haven't gotten to. Rae was telling me today about how it supposedly promotes something oddly close to communism, so I intend to read and find out. I'm not quite expecting it to be a thriller of a read....my mom's not going to be trying to shoo me off to bed with me saying, "But mom! Socrates is going to totally put Thrasymachus in his place with his next speech!!" Yes, dear Thrasymachus really is a character. The others are Glaucon, Cleitophon, Cephalus, Adeimantus, and good old Polemarchus. Thank God for the English and names like Tom, Dick and Harry. And Greg.
Anyway Plato's not that bad. I really like the Last Days of Socrates. It made me sad, but at the same time I understood why he couldn't escape. Leaving would just have proved that he really was a bad influence on the society; in death he validated his own principles and practically made himself a martyr. Either the death scene translates really really well from Greek, or someone played with it a little, cause it is completely saddening. Although I don't think Greek really does translate well, cause I had a book of Sappho's poetry and some of it just didn't flow like I bet the original does. It's funny, but her poetry used to be on the Catholic Church's list of banned books. With the stuff you see today, hers is bedtime stories comparatively. She mentioned loving another woman--egads! All who read it shall be damned to eternal--er--damnation!
Oooh speaking of damnation, I want to read Dante's Inferno again. I made it through Purgatorio and Inferno, but never Paradiso. I told Mr. Janeiro that I thought that was too boring and he almost had an aneurysm. Apparently all the true meaning of the entire tale is to be found in that section. I have a sneaking suspicion that he means all the high-minded religious symbolism really comes into play up there, and I wasn't really reading for that. I was reading one for the inventive punishments and views of Hell, cause that was cool, and second because I found it ironically humorous how Dante used this classic as a jab at his contemporary enemies. The poor guy got driven out of Venice, and was pretty pissed about it. Note that all of his enemies suffer particularly horrible torments. Also I got one of my favorite quotes from the Inferno:
"There is no greater sorrow in this eternal woe, than to remember in pain our moment of happiness."
That was voiced by Paolo and Francesca, who were in one of the circles of Hell for adultery. Francesca was Paolo's brother's wife. Naughty, naughty! He caught them and killed them, and their punishment, since they valued the physical over all else, is to spend eternity as formless winds. They claim that their love triumphed and they're still together, but you';re supposed to infer (I read the notes) that they really didn't triumph, since they blame each other for being there.
My fingers, neck, back and feet all hurt. Time for bed.
This is another Breadloaf creation that I like. It might help if you'd heard of Edgar Lee Masters, who wrote the Spoon River Anthology. Basically he created this fictional town called Spoon River, and every citizen who is buried in the cemetery gets to talk about their experiences, good or bad, from beyond the grave. Thel title of every poem was usually just the person's name. They were very understated, and you usually have to read between the lines to get out of it what he meant you to.
This is one of them, nowhere near the best but it was the first one that came up...
Judge Selah Lively
Suppose you stood just five feet two,
And had worked your way as a grocery clerk,
Studying law by candle light
Until you became an attorney at law?
And then suppose through your diligence,
And regular church attendance,
You became attorney for Thomas Rhodes,
Collecting notes and mortgages,
And representing all the widows
In the Probate Court? And through it all
They jeered at your size, and laughed at your clothes
And your polished boots? And then suppose
You became the County Judge?
And Jefferson Howard and Kinsey Keene,
And Harmon Whitney, and all the giants
Who had sneered at you, were forced to stand
Before the bar and say "Your Honor" --
Well, don't you think it was natural
That I made it hard for them?
~Edgar Lee Masters

This is another one I like.
Mrs. Charles Bliss
Reverend Wiley advised me not to divorce him
For the sake of the children,
And Judge Somers advised him the same.
So we stuck to the end of the path.
But two of the children thought he was right,
And two of the children thought I was right.
And the two who sided with him blamed me,
And the two who sided with me blamed him,
And they grieved for the one they sided with.
And all were torn with the guilt of judging,
And tortured in soul because they could not admire
Equally him and me.
Now every gardener knows that plants grown in cellars
Or under stones are twisted and yellow and weak.
And no mother would let her baby suck
Diseased milk from her breast.
Yet preachers and judges advise the raising of souls
Where there is no sunlight, but only twilight,
No warmth, but only dampness and cold --
Preachers and judges!
~Edgar Lee Masters

Anyway, here's my attempt at creating another Spoon River denizen:

Mrs. Doctor Brown

We came to town as newlyweds;
he, a proud physician starting out on his own,
I, a newly minted woman
eager to prove herself with pots and pans, needle and thimble.
But too soon I found that winters in Spoon River are long and weary,
and too few nights is the doctor’s bed kept warm.
Cold, too cold was I those long winter nights—
and then suddenly I was warm again, happy and content
to be Mrs. Doctor. I was the wife of a good man.
But nine months later I choked back tears when he said
our baby had his mother’s eyes,
knowing full well that they were not.
Yet I kept my silence all my days;
I keep it still.

Now for this one, the original was pretty rough, but it had the germ of an idea. It took like four or five different versions before it did what I wanted it to do, but I like this one.

I realized today that I haven't written anything in quite a while. I'm never usually very prolific during the summers, but still some part of me feels sad when I don't have anything new to be playing around with. I have, however, been revising a lot of older stuff that has aged sufficiently to allow me to look at it objectively. Mostly stuff from Breadloaf, and damn, some of it's good! That atmosphere up there was so utterly perfect. I wrote more poems there in four days than I ever have before. Somewhere around thirty, and at least half of them were decent even on the first go-round.
One thing I saw in Vermont confirmed something I'd thought for a long time. You can always tell the more professional, long-term writers from the ones who've been writing for a shorter time or who never share their work. The latter group will always refuse to edit anything, believing that it comes out of them riding some crystal wave of spiritual clarity...divine, perfect, and something that should not be messed with under any circumstances. If you should suggest improvements to these people, unless they're totally obvious ones, they will respond by squirming, and being uncomfortable, and ignoring the advice. People who've had more experience writing, or just more exposure to pro writers, are more comfortable editing and letting people comment on their work. I just can't understand the non-editors. They always have this lengthy defense on how they really don't feel the need to edit, because they wrote at a very stressful time and that's pure emotion on that page, dude, and they write exactly what they feel, etc, etc. But they don't realize that writing a poem is so often like digging a gem out of a mine. It's pretty enough, in a raw sort of way, when you get it, but polish is the only thing that can make it shine. Just going back and changing a few words later on, after the passion has faded, can mean so much. Some of my poems have gone from "meh" to "yes!" just by rearranging things months after I wrote it. Plus if you go back and edit, there's always a chance you can salvage a few good lines or even one cool phrase from an otherwise terrible poem that should never see the light of say again.
Of course, further support for the pro-editing camp is the fact that if you want to be a writer, and you don't want to edit, you're pretty much screwed. All famous poets had to edit. Not just because they had bitchy editors who demanded it--every writer I've talked to has had at least one of those--but because they understood that editing their work helped it grow. That's why Walt Whitman had ten editions of Leaves of Grass. Ten! Every time, there were subtle differences, minute revisions. No way e.e. cummings made all those cool concrete poems and such on the first try. He had to go back and say, hey look, there's more words I can totally mangle!
I just finished re-editing this poem, another of the Breadloaf bunch. This could be a member of the subdivision Robert Frost poems. If you didn't know, Frost lived in Middlebury, Vermont, right down the road from the Breadloaf campus. The whole place is like a monument to his memory, and he gets quoted every two seconds.By the time I left, I was damned sick of the man, but I understood how he could retreat to someplace like that. It was so beautiful. Anyway, if you're familiar with some of his more famous poems, you'll notice that this one is stitched together with lines from of a few old favorites.

An Apology Well-Intentioned


I entered the yellow wood knowing full well what I would find,
Seeking validation, or perhaps only peace of mind
His oft-quoted poems replaying internally
I knew which road he meant for me to take, surely.
But the day had been long, with miles to go ere I slept,
And so I broke a promise that ought to have been kept.
With one sly glance about me, down the traveled path I stole,
Emerging from the woods again swiftly, but not quite whole.
This world may end in fire and it may end in ice
But before it does, I hope this apology will suffice:

Dear Sir: I realize now my foolish choice made little sense;
So I promise you that one day will I
Take the road less traveled by—
And I hope that you will not know the difference.

If I put the original up here, you might not really notice the difference. I added maybe three or four words and changed punctuation. But I can feel the difference between them. I actually came up with the last three lines first and them made a poem. I thought they were cool.

Saturday, July 13, 2002

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
Kahlil Gibran

Ain't that the truth. Dammit, I miss Greg!

I stayed up till about two fifteen in the morning the other day to reread the book I mentioned in my last post....it's actually called Howl's Moving Castle, not just Howl's Castle. And it's even better than I remembered! I hadn't read it in a long enough span of time that I'd pretty much forgotten the plot twists, though not the ending. Must have been two or three years at least. I realized, though, that this book had the same kind of age-transcendent qualities that Harry Potter does. I must have been around eleven or twelve when I first read this, and now at sixteen I still couldn't put it down until I'd finished it. It was only a few hundred pages, so it's not terribly long, but it really maanges to pack in the storyline. The author, Diana Wynne Jones--i couldn't remember her name, but I knew she had three of them--had a bunch of other really good books, especially the Nine of Lives of Christopher Chant and Witch Week, but they pale in comparison to this one. I think I'll have to go buy myself a copy, in case some terrible mishap destroys the library's. Seriously, though, read this book!

Friday, July 05, 2002

Song

Go and catch a falling star,
Get with child a mandrake root,
Tell me, where all past years are,
Or who cleft the Devil's foot,
Teach me to hear mermaids singing,
Or to keep off envy's stinging,
And find
What wind
Serves to advance an honest mind.

If thou be'est born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand days and nights,
Till age snow white hairs on thee,
Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me
All strange wonders that befell thee,
And swear
No where
Lives a woman true, and fair.

If thou find'st one, let me know,
Such a pilgrimage were sweet;
Yet do not, I would not go,
Though at next door we might meet,
Though she were true, when you met her,
And last, till you write your letter,
Yet she
Will be
False, ere I come, to two, or three.

~John Donne

The first stanza of this poem was in a book called Howl's Castle that I read years ago. It's a really good book actually; there's wizards and enchanted things and a demon that lives in the fireplace called Calcifer. And they pretty much describe Howl himself as a hottie, even if this is a book for youngerish teenagers. I actually don't know what age it's written for, since I never stuck to one reading level. I'm probably going to get it out again and reread it. It even has a sequel!
But I digress. There's this whole part of the book about this spell or curse that involves Howl. The spell is really the first stanza, it just wasn't credited so I thought the author made it up. It actually gets acted out in the book....Calcifer was a falling star, and Howl gave him his human heart to keep him alive...he ends up telling the truth for once to Sophie while they're in this fierce windstorm...it all plays out.
Anyway, I was quite surprised to spot the whole thing in a book of John Donne's poetry that I was reading the other day. There's a whole section of this book devoted to love poems, of which this song is one. But if you really read it, you notice the last few lines don't exactly sound loving. If you find someone true and fair, the narrator doesn't want to know about it, even if he might find her next door, because even if she were true to the person that found her, she would show her true colors eventually and be unfaithful to others. Hmmm...doesn't exactly sound like "My love is like a red, red rose", does it? Turns out every one of this fellow's so-called love poems revolve around the fact that Love Sucks. Or, more correctly, Women Are Evil and They Suck. They all end with him getting his heart trampled over, women being cruel and heartless bitches, and life generally being unpleasant. Aside from that, it's really good poetry.
Amazing, Donne had a long happy marriage to this woman named Anne, to whom he wrote really touching love poems that never make it into the books alongside the spicier, women-are-whores stuff. Apparently the works we see are those that reflect the cynicism that resulted from his earlier encounters with the female sex. He must have met some mighty nasty dames to be that angry about life.



Thursday, July 04, 2002

Today I decided to play amateur librarian and organize my books downstairs. There were about a hundred or so on this shelf and I broke them into fiction, classics, and philosophy...then for no particular reason I separated the classics and philosophy sections into nationalities. English, American, Russian, German, Greek/Roman. Some of them I had to actually peruse the author bio to figure out where they went. George Orwell, for one, turned out to be English. And Rabelais turned out to be a a fourteenth century French monk. I actually think I knew that from freshman history, but I forgot. Unfortunately, the one thing I couldn't do, try as I might, was get rid of some of them. I have no more physical space for books. The books in my room barely count, since those are ones from younger years for the most part, sci-fi fantasy and the lot. One down stairs bookshelf is now full of my books, the other one has my mom's plus some random ones, my dad's take up the one in the den plus all the spaces under desks, and my sister's bookcase is overstuffed. There's nowhere for me to put them anymore. (Actually I realized this like a week ago, and guess what I did the next day? Visited this thrift store bookshop with Heather and bought eight more books, of course.) My mom suggested I "pare down" the ones I have. But for some reason I have a maniacal obsession with keeping every one of them. Some of them I have to keep because I haven't had time to read them yet. Some are ones that I keep meaning to force myself to read, like Emerson and Hemingway and *shudder* Marx and Engels. There are a few I started and gave up on because the foreign names got annoying, like Anna Karenina and Dostoyevksy's Crime and Punishment. I don't think either one had a happy ending anyway. The large majority, of course, are books that I read and liked and keep around in case I want to read them again. But there are books, like everyone damned one of the Tom Clancys, that I have read, and loved, but I know I will never ever pick up again. They are way too long, way too complicated, and once you know all the twists and turns there's no point. But still they sit, nine of them, taking up more than a foot of valuable book real estate, and I don't have the heart to make them leave. It's like a collector's impulse. The only one I don't have is The Bear and The Dragon, which of course I've read, but I know if I see it somewhere I'll buy it, just so it can join its siblings on the shelf. It's crazy.
Yes!!!! My sister finally has a social engagement that will remove her from the house until Saturday morning! Thank the Lord above. Jen's awfully lucky that I make a point to be at home as little as is humanly possible. I guess I have to trade really terrible summers for the bliss of being alone during the school year. It's so beautiful to have a house entirely to yourself all week. Of course my mom is physically present at certain hours, but we don't see each other much and we get along fabulously. That was my reward for fourteen years of living with my dad's continual presence: solitude. This year will be even better because now I have a car! My dad's car, ironically. It might be said that I profited in certain ways from his death, but I didn't really. As much as I appreciate being alone and having the truck, it's nowhere near a fair trade for a parent.
That's the reason that truck has always meant so much to me. My dad loved it so much that in my mind it's inextricably linked to him. Every morning I'd be getting up as he was leaving the house. I'd look out my window as he'd back the car out of the driveway, hop out, run around the other side of the car, flip open the mirror which is too wide to fit into the garage, hop back in, and drive away. It was funny to watch in the wintertime.
For a long time after he died, I'd be walking up the street coming home from school, and I'd come around the bend and see the Tahoe sitting there in the driveway and I'd let myself pretend that it had never happened. I'd pretend that he'd come home early from work, that he was down in the den doing paperwork and that when I stood in the doorway he'd look up and say "Hi honey, how was your day" with that sort of tired smile. I really almost believed it sometimes, when I could see the light was on downstairs, that maybe it really was some stupid dream and he hadn't died. But I could only pretend until I opened the front door and there was no one there. Those weren't the only times I pretended, of course. There were other times when I'd be in the car with my mom and I'd see a bright red Tahoe and I'd immediately check the driver to see if it was him. Those times I wished so hard that I'd see a big guywith glasses and thinning salt and pepper hair. Like maybe he'd just go cruising past us as though he had never been gone at all. Those were the kind of tricks I used to play on myself.
It's only been two years, and look how things have changed. I drive his truck now; he always said I was the only one tall enough to drive it anyway. He also said he'd never ever let me have it, but as it turned out he didn't get much of a say. Now when I come into the den, it's really my space, not his. I took over his desk, put away all his books and his stuff and put my decorations everywhere. The drawers are a disaster. A lot of the stuff is still around; this big paperweight that says "DAD", this rock that I cleverly painted to resemble a penguin, his weird lamp--the base of which is made of part of a pipe or something from a decommissioned reactor. And of course his books, from the Valve Designer's Handbook to the Handbook of Thermodynamics--none of which books actually come close to fitting in your hand. But it's like his presence is fading, and it's faded in the truck too since I stuffed my CDs in there, I've probably got makeup rolling around where he kept his car phone, and I have a hula hoop in my trunk for some ungodly reason. He's still there, though. That truck was more his than anything else he owned. Of course I love that it's big and powerful, and I love the feeling of being so far above the other puny little cars on the road. Most people assume that's the real reason it means so much to me, but that has nothing to do with it. My dad has everything to do with it. If something happened to it, nothing my mom could do to me would be worse than destroying a link to my dad, one of the few that I have left that I can really feel.
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...no, wait, that's not right. A funny thing happened on the way home from a friend's house--that's the one. Actually, not even on the way. In the driveway, where my beautiful, much-adored Tahoe refused to start. It had done so the previous evening at the Boy Scout Camp (more on that later), but it started the second time. This time it just made lots of noises that I couldn't identify and wouldn't go. So I had my buddy's mom come out and try it, because this one time in the Northwest parking lot my steering wheel locked and it wouldn't let me turn the key, so I had to go ask the manly football guys to come help me and of course they got it on the first try by brute force alone. Embarassing.
Anyway no one could make it start, so her dad poked around under the hood and eventually we called the AAA people. Fortunately my mom had recently furnished me with this nifty AAA card, which meant--in theory--that I could call them up and they'd come running to rescue the damsel in distress. Even if it was a national holiday. But no, my friends. As it turns out, tow truck operators have the option of refusing to tow you somewhere if they don't want to go that far away. Even if they work for AAA. Even if you are a card-carrying member of said organization, and your mother pays them a pretty penny for the service that they are currently refusing to render. In short, after waiting for the first tow truck, the guy wouldn't go to Windsor--he refused to leave Farmington at all. Since my friend's family was supposed to be at this party, they ended up leaving me and Sara behind in there house watching Shrek waiting for another repair guy to arrive and take us at break-neck speed back to Windsor.
Did I mention that I have an amazing propensity for being caught in such situations in embarrassing attire? When I got up today I said to Sara, I'm not putting my clothes on. I'm just going to go back to bed when I get home anyway. So Michelle got to get picked up wearing a bright pink tshirt and purple plaid boxers. Yipee for the fasion queen.

However, the upshot of it all is that I'm back in my comfortable home, surrounded by all the amenities of civilization. Such as air conditioning! *falls down in worship of the god of Central Air* I now have the power to make my house the equivalent temperature of an igloo, causing myself to run around looking for socks because my feet are freezing. I prefer to freeze rather than to fry. I have no idea how all those little Boy Scouts are managing down at Mattatuck, but I don't envy them. If they had that camp in the fall, that'd be great. That area must be incredible when the trees are turning colors. However, when the sun is hot enough to seriously tempt one into violating those pesky "indecent exposure" laws, I draw the line. Those laws were drawn up by a bunch of suits in an air conditioned legislature, for God's sake!
It really was worth all the physical discomfort to see Greg, though. It was funny, the night before I had a dream about seeing him at camp and his hair was longer...and lo and behold, his hair really was longer. At least he didn't ask me about potatoes like he did in the dream. That really pissed me off; I hadn't seen him in a week and he's asking about complex carbohydrates? Really. The nerve of that dream-greg. Although if dreams are the expression of your subconscious, what the heck is mine thinking? That he's got a potato fixation?
He's coming home on Saturday, though. That's very good, very very good, because seeing him last night just made me miss him more, and I already really missed him before that. I probably have an advantage though, seeing as how I get to miss him from within the creature comforts of my house, whereas he gets to miss me from a tent in the woods. The very warm woods, with all the bugs and smelly little boys. Yes, I think I prefer to miss him from Windsor...but I'd rather not miss him at all and have him all to myself. I love him.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful --
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

Sylvia Plath
This poem is chillingly real in its way...the first time I read it, the last line gave me an image of this terrifyingly ugly old woman with mad eyes, swimming upward in murky water towards the woman looking in, with clawlike hands outstretched to drag her in.






If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
`I love her for her smile ... her look ... her way
Of speaking gently, ... for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'--
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
8 Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,--
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Suicide's Note

The calm,
cool face of the river
asked me for a kiss.

~Langston Hughes
Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shop and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you
~e.e. cummings

I like this poem. like so many others it makes a different kind of sense to me every time i read it, and the things i admire at one time are not what i like the next time around

who knows if the moon's
a baloon,coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?
(and if you and i should

get into it,if they
should take me and take you into their baloon,
why then
we'd go up higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited,where

always
it's
Spring)and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves

~e.e. cummings

Monday, June 24, 2002

Someone I have not spoken to in a few months just IMed me and invited me to visit her at her beach cottage in Rhode Island this summer. She gave me her number there and described how beautiful the whole place is and how many attractive guys are running all over the place and how the shopping is great and that I really should come down. The IM is still sitting open at the bottom of the screen with the number on it. I think I'm going to delete it. I always seem to close open IMs by accident anyway, especially when they have something important in them.
I was friends with this girl after a fashion...the kind of friend you make when you and a whole bunch of other people are dumped into a new environment and have to branch out quickly. We met, embarassingly enough, at a science convention at UConn. No, I am not a geek. My physics teacher offered it, and one of my friends was going and didn't want to go alone, so I went. I anticipated boredom, which I got in plenty since most of the people attending this thing seemed to actually have some sort of interest in science, unlike myself. Most of the presenters--kids my age--had done amazingly difficult and complex experiments in college labs. The only one I remember was this thing on acoustic larvacide, using resonant frequencies to destroy the larval sacs of insects like mosquitos.
The whole thing actually turned out fun, since I liked the four other kids from my school and we met three other kids who were a lot of fun. Basically we slouched in the back of the huge lecture auditoriums talking and ignoring the education opportunity. And avoiding our teacher like the plague, since he might have suspected we weren't learning a damned thing. Anyway, it was a marvelous social occasion. One of the girls we met, Katie, even had a fling (a less-than-24-hour fling) with this kid from my school, Dan. We were all pretty amazed, since Dan's a reticent kid even though he's really nice. Dan happens to be our physics teacher's son, and ended up getting caught by him on the floor, in a sleeping bag, with Katie. We were all watching, of course. It was amusing. I'm glad my parents were never called to be teachers.
Anyway when we parted after the weekend was over, we all promised to keep in touch. My friend and I managed to for a while, using the Almighty Internet, and we got together once. Katie I got tired of really quickly since she talked about Dan incessantly after the fact. He had just broken up with his girlfriend; she was an obvious rebound and he didn't really want to see her afterward. But she kept talking about it. Eventually I blocked her. (My friend didn't; she says Katie is still talking about her "relationship" with Dan. The relationship lasted about forty-five minutes by our count, and she hasn't seen or talked to him since. This thing was in March!)
The problem with quickly made, quickly parted friends is that although your personalities may click and you get along, eventually you have nothing to talk about. Especially online. And unless there's a whole lot of motivation to keep things going, it all just dies away. That's what happened with me and the people I met. I had nothing to say, so I stopped talking. Now one of them's randomly inviting me to her beach house? I can smell an uncomfortable situation a mile away. I don't think I'll be visiting.
My friend and I are planning to go back to the convention next year. It's an easy way to get out of school for two days, and it was a hell of a lot of fun. In fact, everyone said they were going back, and moreof my friends want to go this time around, too. I think the teacher may catch on to the fact that we're not actually going for the academic opportunities. Free food, new people, and for some, the chance to make some cheap hookups. Paradise.
Tonight my friend and I watched Fight Club, a movie which is inexplicably popular, especially among young men of our age. I can understand why women might want to see it: Brad Pitt is hot, and that's simply a fact of life. But what sick unconscious urges draw guys to watch, in greedy fascination, as people are brutally smashed into a bloody pulp by another sweaty, hairy and half-naked individual? That had to be the most graphically violent movie I have seen in recent memory. I don't mind blood and guts when there's a point. War movies are fine in that respect. Strange mess-with-your-mind psychological thrillers that rely on weirdos beating the ever-loving shit out of one another are another story.
As for the point/plot of it, it's kind of a headachey blur. There was this chronically messed up girl in it, and the main character has some serious psychosis going on, but what was the point? Some stupid hackneyed message about how we are trapped by our possessions. We are not free. Civilization is evil. We should destroy everything and go back to grinding corn and bagging game. Why do these reverse-the-industrial-age people seem to believe that destroying what mankind has made will make anything better? Things couldn't have been all that fabulous back then or we wouldn't have tried to change anything at all. We would have stayed in our caves happily, clubbing things to death and roasting the occassional gazelle over the open fire. What a pleasant thought. Who decided that there can be no freedom in the middle of society? Aren't they choosing the easy way out by trying to blast themselves a path to enlightenment? It would be far more difficult to live in society and free yourself from it by your own will than to try to bring it down. People who try to change everything at once so often seem to be incapable of changing themselves.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

"Home sweet home" is often an applicable phrase only when one is alone. I'm alone right now, and there is a large and rather dreamy smile on my face. What's that sound? My house is full of it. Oh yes....silence. It's a beautiful thing.

Speaking of other beautiful things, my boyfriend brought me a dozen red roses yesterday when he came to say goodbye. No one's ever actually given me roses before(flowers are like kisses: relatives don't count). Of course I'm not the kind of girl to be won over just by a few flowers; but if you're already won, the flowers make it all so much nicer :-) Not to mention that they're gorgeous, just like the person who gave them to me. It's the kind of gift that every time you think of it, you curse the fact that the giver is not presently within your reach so you could give them something in return. And then you get lost in a few minutes of rather inappropriate daydreams. And then you think that you should really look into having that guy cloned, so you could have at least one with you all the time. (We've discussed this before. I think it would be an absolutely perfect arrangement, and it's not like they'd probably being complaining, either.) But then again, separation is great because you're going to be that much more enthusiastic to see them when you get the chance. You're probably also going to jump them at the first possible opportunity, but *shrug* what else are you going to do?
Aside from turning the lights out, of course.

I’m stuck at my grandfather’s house right now. I can’t actually get online to post this after I write it, since for some reason, AOL will never, ever, ever! connect from this place, no matter what access number or phone jack I use. Many frustrated hours have also been devoted to discovering that this home is conveniently located in a black hole—commonly called Massachusetts—where one can’t find a single decent modern rock station on the radio, but can manage to come across no less than seven—yes, SEVEN—whiny, country, I-lost-my-dog-my-wife-and-my-pickup stations. Death to any who find themselves low on batteries or have forgotten their CD cases. Fortunately on this particular evening, I’m not in that uncomfortable position. I’m still uncomfortable, though. This house lacks central air, and true to the proud tradition of old people, my grandpa insists on closing all windows and stifling any possible influx of air, so as to make the place as unbearable as is humanly possible short of a heatstroke. Once, when we came up in the middle of July, we found that the man actually had the heat on. Yes, the heat. In July. We almost turned around and went home.


Amazingly, he’s not actually senile. A little confused, perhaps—tonight at dinner he informed me confidently that my dad died in 1993. He mixes it up with the date of his wife’s death. He also has a habit of calling my sister Janice, my aunt’s name. Still he manages to drive, put on clothing, and bathe, which I suppose is good enough. There’s never any food in the house, not my kind of food anyway, since I have an aversion to things that must be microwaved before they can be consumed. Being a man who lived in the domestic era of the twentieth century, he never troubled himself to learn the function of a stove beyond the burners that make hot water. It’s been nine years since my grandmother’s death, and cooking is still yet her domain. Unfortunately, dead people seem quite loath to cook for the living. Perhaps it’s envy that we can eat and they can’t. Maybe it’s a lot cooler where they are and they just don’t feel like getting all hot and sweaty over a stove. My dad has still not yet answered several requests to return and make me some pancakes. He made the best damned pancakes ever. He probably learned it from my grandma; she was even better really because she used to make little animals out of the batter, rabbits and mice and anything with ears. Those were so fun to eat. It’s a sadistic streak in children that whenever they see something edible with ears, they rip the ears off and eat those first.

You know what’s funny? When there’s been something you’ve known since childhood and never questioned, and only later realized something else about. Today I figured out that the two nice lady teachers who’ve lived across the street from my grandfather for my entire life aren’t just roomies. You should have seen my face. I was like “Dude, they’re lesbians? Really?” I’d never even considered that possibility before; I just sort of took for granted that they were two unmarried women who shared a cute little house. So it goes.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

I'm trying to think of some quote about the past coming back to bite you in the ass said by some famous person. Maybe it's "the past will return to bite you in the ass." Short, sweet and to the point, just like those maxims are supposed to be. I guess you either have to cultivate a tolerance for pain or learn to run really really fast. I think I'd go for the running if it were me. My, aren't those fangs sharp?
"If the Devil wore a top hat,
and a black cloaked lined with fur,
would we stop on the sidewalk
and gawk,
bow a bit and call him sir?"

Monday, June 17, 2002

It's hard telling people things. Especially people who aren't always extremely intuitive, even more especially when they don't know that you're trying to tell them anything and change the topic, and most especially when the something you're trying to say is something that's really been troubling you. Something that's kept you up at night because your brain is just turning it over and over, trying to find an explanation or reason or solution, and not letting you rest.
How do you say things when you can't ask anyone for advice on how to say them because they've never had to say quite the same thing? It's hard, very hard, but you can feel that if you let it sit it's just going to weigh on you more and more.
People can be such blockheads! Even the ones you're very close to. No, wait, ESPECIALLY those ones.
Hmmmm....it's not like i'd like to be living in the pioneer days or anything--i have an aversion to dirt being all over everything--but sometimes, ok a lot of a time, i wish i were living in a different era. The advantages outweighed the disadvantages---oh wait, no they didn't! Bad food, nasty diseases, short lifespans, weird fashions, no rights for women, no plumbing....it sucks to want to live in another time only to realize they were probably just as bad for people back then. even if you were living in italy during the renaissance, which is one of the places i would have loved to have been, like florence or venice, you probably would have been cursing all the idiotic nobles with their incessant wars. especially since there was no such place as italy then anyway, just "duchies" *funny word* like the Duchy of Milan, of Florence, of Venice. That reminds me, the guy that ruled venice was called the Doge. (i never figured out what that means, although i will assume it its not another way of saying "dog".)
i guess life in the past would only work out well if you were pretty high up on the food chain, but not high enough that you get killed in all the wars like the kings and whatnot. being a countess would have been nice. i always thought the word "duchess" was ugly anyway. and being a princess back then inevitable meant being married off in a political alliance to the creepy old guy who ran another country. bleh. but then again, most of them probably had a bunch of guys on the side, anyway.
i wonder if there's any society where marriage has always truly been sacrosanct, like people really don't commit adultery. even the old rigid japanese society had all the geishas and prostitutes. they were just very very graceful about it. you can't say that it happened becaue people were in arranged marriages. people choose their own spouses today, and still half of them can't seem to keep their pants on outside the bedroom. maybe human beings lack the emotional intelligence to pick appropriate partners....either you get lucky, or you get screwed. (and maybe not even the latter, if you pick someone who's more interested in playing for the same-sex team.) Marriage is such a chancy business. The obvious solution to the whole divorce issue is either one, don't get married in the first place (hey, living in sin is all the rage these days) or pick your partner very carefully. which is probably why i'll end up living with whoever i'm planning to marry prior to the actual marriage--to the eternal shame of my mother, i'm sure. she always told me that when you get married, part of it is learning to adjust to the other person. i think i'd rather adjust in advance, rather than figure out on my honeymoon that my husband has some weird rain-dance ritual that he simply must perform every night before he goes to bed. or that he sings terribly in the shower. or, god forbid, that he snores. a girl's gotta have warning so she can buy some nice earplugs, or she might have a corpse on her hands. i would, anyway. i may sleep like a log, but getting to sleep is always tricky.
and then there's the sex thing. i remember one of my friends saying very matter-of-factly in freshman year that ouf course she would live--and sleep-- with her husbadn before they got married--how else was she suppposed to know if they were "compatible in the sack"? it made sense, even back then when i was far more innocent, and, well, catholic. no one likes surprises. i also remember some weird story i read about how this mortician guy wanted his new wife to get in a bathtub of cold water before they had sex. *cough* needless to say, that honeymoon was over damned quick.
of course there is the very good chance that i will not get married at all. since i have a tendency to show an aversion for human company from time to time, one of my closest friends prophesied that in my future, my husband and i would occupy separate huts on opposite sides of a vast forest. once a month we would meet "like two ships passing in the night" while gathering sticks or something similar, and otherwise ignore each other. naturally my hut will be more like a mansion, but the basic system is the same. it might turn out to be true. after years of having family members constantly present, the alone-ness of the school year is so very enjoyable, and when i'm forced into an environment with people for long periods of time i show a great desire for them to go away. it's only when i have to live with the people, mind you. i can see people most of the time and not mind, but home is supposedly and usually my space. *in summer, obviously, conditions change drastically, and not for the better.* according to some, this "leave me in peace" attitude might not be optimal for the married life. i've heard husbands are around a good deal of the time, usually not making themselves useful, either. i suppose that's god's punishment in return for the sex, etc.
solution: stay single, get rich, keep cats, keep your options open. egads, watch a ironic twist of fate turn me into a suburban soccer mom with five kids, a dog, and a husband who works in a cubicle!! never!!!
that's my evil omen of the future for now. i really need sleep....maybe my brain is just going into overdrive? it's been a long day.
It's eleven o'clock--do you know where your pets are??
Incidentally, I don't. One six-pound lump of black fur is currently spreading the love, and the fur, all across my newly cleaned comforter. what is it about clean, fresh-smelling things that seems to invite smelly creatures to jump all over them? maybe it's some evil gene in animals, that they must systematically seek out and violate all those things that bring us joy. like this pink heart-shaped inflatable pillow i had a few years ago--don't ask me why i had a pink heart-shaped inflatable pillow, it was a confused time in my life. i happily paid far too much for its Taiwanese craftsmanship and wasted precious oxygen blowing it up, only to have a murderous feline treat it like a personal pincushion in a matter of days. nights, actually; they always attack by night. in my family, since i'm usually the one who gets captivated by some adorable animal in the humane society and convinces the rest of the family that the fuzzball would be a fabulous and entirely cost-efficient addition, i am usually the one to whom the new acquisitions attach themselves for a certain period of time. this suits everyone else because i am thus the one that suffers most in terms of property damages and initial i-dont-trust-you-yet-you-filthy-human injuries.
one of these cat-astrophes *terrible pun intended*, cinnamon, is now the image of sweetness and docility. not so when she arrived. this little she-beast insisted upon inhabiting my room, and insisted equally on wreaking total havoc on my possessions under cover of darkness. it was pure accident, my family claimed, that in her travels she knocked everything fragile onto the floor, clawed the sides of chairs, knocked over the lamp repeatedly, and seemingly took pleasure in making the maximum amount of rustling, cracking and thumping noises possible at ungodly hours of night and morning. it didn't help that i often awoke--angrily, of course--to aim a sock, shoe, or other handy missile at the source of the noise, causing even more damage and never, obviously, hitting the target. they come equipped with night vision, the little buggers. this same cat had an unnatural obssession, in kittenhood, with all things paper. she would be utterly fascinated for hours with a crumpled ball of paper. any papery sounds brought her running, eyes fixed on the prize. and pieces of paper left out unawares were the greatest prize of all, as i learned when i walked into my room one night to find her chewing delightedly on my homework. my cat literally ate my homework--not completely of course; she managed to chew off one corner before my screaming and yelling disturbed her. naturally, everyone besides me thought her behavior was hysterical.
thankfully for me and my sanity, kittens get older and calm down, though that cat will, if she's in my room at night, still untertake adventures to explore my closet or behind my chair, causing the familiar nocturnal cacophany. but after kittens grow older, there is room for a new pet. i wasn't actually looking for a pet, really; i happened to be in the humane society with my mom and my friend who was staying with us at the time, and suddenly i discovered the most adorable black kitty with incredibly piercing yellow eyes. our last three cats had been tortoiseshells, a sort of newfound family tradition, but i had always wanted an all-black cat. so we waited in line for an hour and went into the little room where you're supposed to get acquainted. my mom wasn't exactly fond of her because the cat showed no interest in us whatsoever--she explored, and didn't run, but she didn't purr when we petted her. anti-social from the start, just my type.
and you know what's funny? there was a lot more to this post, but it screwed up and didn't go up right.and no way am i typing the rest of it again! long story short, hell in the beginning, but i always love my cats in the end. same with people, sometimes. technology sucks.

Friday, June 14, 2002

I didn't write that recently. I don't really like it but it says something in there that I've tried to say a hundred other times and ways and never gotten through to my own satisfaction. I was working on saying it last night in a particularly long blog; however, my computer chose that moment to go malicious and shut off my connection. Sometimes I want to throw this little piece of technology into a wall and jump on it until it cracks into tiny, tiny pieces. Grrrrrrr.
Today is proving rather dull. I hate not having a car! At the same time, I also hate being dependent on an inanimate object for security and comfort. Even if the object of my affection is ruggedly gorgeous and cherry red and fills its driver with an inordinate sense of power....Oh dear. Is there a twelve step program for addiction to your SUV???
I should get my mind onto other things. How to resolve India's current economic crisis, or something. All I have to do is look around at some of my friends to see that dependency is not good for the soul. We're all dependent on something, though, no matter how above it we think we are. What am I dependent on? Well, oxygen comes to mind. Really don't think I'd be doing too well without it. What about things like my house, my clothes, my mom, my friends, my boyfriend? Although I depend on them, it's not like I couldn't survive without them if I absolutely had to. Not like it would be pleasant or anything, but it could be done.
Daddy, daddy,
if you came,
I’m sure you would still love me
--but would you know me?
if you saw your little girl now,
grown prouder, stronger
become a woman (almost),
finding her own place in the world?

Would you have changed?
Would you be grown older,
or would death have preserved you
in fifty-year vitality
so that you would come back whistling,
making jokes, carrying the world on your shoulders,
the strongest man on earth?

If you came, would you take me in your arms
lift me up and fly me around the world
like you did when I was little?
Daddy, we both know I am not a child any longer
--but somehow I know that if you came
and knew me, and loved me,
we could fix the past
and everything would be all right.
Did you ever wonder if God gave us stretches and yawns and back rubs just to make up for all the other crap we got tossed into? As I stretch and yawn and try to massage my own shoulders *failing miserably, of course*
Did you ever wonder who I'm writing this to? *anastrophe: addressing an inanimate object, or a person or thing not present. thank you, mrs juda* Am I writing "Dear Diary", or "Dear kitty" like in Anne Frank? Am I writing this expecting that someone, someday will read it and from it draw a picture of me that, while incomplete, might just be clearer in some aspects than the one the people who know me would give? Of course I am. All diarists, all journalists, write with a need to be read, whether they know it or not. They are recording something, not just for themselves, but for a larger Someone. We record to save, so that when we finally corner some omniscient being we can march him back, show him what happened and demand answers. Are we always recording our true feelings, our true thoughts? Hardly. Writers take raw emotion and shape it, from formless yet beautiful clay into something more palatable. They take the basic and put words onto it. What you're reading--because I believe there is a someone reading this at some point in time--is not me! It couldn't possibly be me. There's no way for me to ever capture who and what I am in the few words our language affords us. This isn't me because this is not true, none of this is true. It can't be True because I haven't been able to link my brain with this computer and pour every exact thought, feeling, memory and emotion in for posterity. These words you read were crafted with a reader in mind, and so I know they can't possibly reflect what's real.
Does that bother me? Not really. Will that stop me? No.
Do you ever think that maybe you should write a book? A book about yourself and your past, as far back as you can remember, incorporating all the vignettes and funny anecdotes and jokes and reminisces that made your family and your background unique? Even now, at quite a young age, I have to pause and really recollect to reconstruct some of the most important events of my childhood. They're slipping away....Time is stealing them from me, as he takes everything from everyone.
Should I write a book so none of this ever gets entirely away? Even with words, I know I would never be able to recapture the emotion and feeling and imagery that are present, even in the fragments of memory I still completely possess. Happy memories I always want to remember, like my dad singing his little song about the bird with the yellow bill upon the windowsill, or the hand puppets, billy and bobby, are sort of hazy, like I'm seeing them on a fuzzy old movie screen. Then there are the memories I wish I could forget entirely but haven't, the thousand humiliations of my childhood which return to plague me at various moments. The truly terrible things, like my treatment at the hands of my first grade teacher, are still omnipresent. Why does hurt stick so much longer than happiness? I can't remember the name of that Disney game, it had cars and levels and movable pieces, that everyone would have given an arm and a leg to play with in kindergarten, but I can remember how incredibly ashamed I was after that woman called me a liar in front of the whole class, and how terrified I was when she dragged me into the hall to warn me never to tell my parents on her again.
Twenty years from now, I worry that I will remember the things in life that hurt me and made me sad, and lose the things that made me smile. They seem to be so much more fleeting. This, I suppose, is my one true fear. Aside from my fear of heights and of bugs, I really fear that I will forget anything, everything. What am I without memories? They say the dead live on in memory--if you have forgotten them, or at least forgotten the good things about them, aren't they truly dead then? My dad dies again and again every time I can't recall some memory of him. Yet the memories of all the bad times, all the cruel words and the fights and the times I swore I'd run away and make them all very very sorry remain, and probably will forever. I know life was never intended to be fair, but this seems the greatest injustice of all.
In a few decades, if people ever get my work together and try to determine a theme, they might just notice its the loss of memory. I think I have written so many poems, most of which i will never show to anyone else, on the subject. The majority have to do with my dad. He's gone; we don't have a future together, so all I have of him, all I'll ever have from now till eternity, is the past. If I lose that, where can I go to find him again?

Thursday, June 06, 2002

I just read "The Vagina Monologues"....suffice it to say that that my eyes opened a little wider with every chapter until, at the point where a lesbian was describing her private activities with her partner, "Oh my....umm...." was all I could say. Most of it was very well written, a good combination of intelligence, humor, and persistent belief. This is the prevalent liberation philosophy of womenkind--and while I do agree that we should reclaim ourselves, and not let what society has taught us is decent rule what our emotions and actions, I don't know if I'd feel comfortable "reclaiming myself" on a mat in front of twenty other women as is done in the workshops held by Eve Ensler, the writer.
However, this strikes me as something I would love to go see with a group of my friends, whom I know who not be bothered by persistent use of the various terms for vagina. It was empowering simply to read, knowing other women felt this way, like seeing a new light. A few interesting facts contained therein: they used to perform surgeries on women who masturbated to remove most of their genitalia, or sew up the vagina. The last one performed was in 1948--on a five year old girl. Another thing was that the clitoris is the only human organ which has no other purpose than to give pleasure--men definitely don't have that! Additionally, it contains 8,000 nerve bundles, double that in the penis. Sucks for them.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

I'm slightly in a better mood now. I still haven't reconciled myself to what I see happening all around me, but I don't know if I can or will fight it anymore. Perhaps it's better to let it go.
On a slightly different note, I've decided to do something that I realized I wanted to do a long time ago, but had tried to keep myself from wanting because of crazy societal taboos, or some such crap. Screw it! I've had about enough of that. I want to know what it's like, and I intend to find out. What an irony it would be if I enjoyed it more than what is normally acceptable! And on an even better note, all the people who are close to me, save one, are interested in the very same thing. I don't feel alone or even irregular. I like this philosophy of going with what you feel to be right.

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

Why aren't relationships ever simple? Why aren't people ever simple? If it was just Love, and that was it, maybe people would all be able to coexist and just share each other. But no. We have things like Doubt, Insecurity, Fear, Frustration, Loneliness. And it's hard to share yourself. If you give so much to one person, and you're used to it being that way, sometimes it can feel like there's not that much of you left over for other people. And then you remember, that people are not perfect, and hence nothing they make or do can be perfect. Sometimes it's all fucked up, it's all wrong.
And other times, when these imperfect relationships have done their thing and become fucked up like everything is destined to be, you are confronted with another alarming fact. YOU are not perfect. You cannot fix things; there is no magic wand to repair something that has been slowly breaking and weakening until only a few tendrils remain of the superglue that once held it fast. All the carefully placed pieces have fallen apart; you go to replace them only to discover that the puzzle has shifted on you. The pieces no longer fit where they once did. In some ways, you desperately want that puzzle to be what it has always been; a certain way, a certain number of pieces, a certain image produced in the end. But another part of you cries that no, it is time for the the puzzle to change, and that what has been shifted should not be undone. To which voice do you listen? Who knows if you will even like the new image the puzzle will make?
Philosophical quibbles aside, what do you do, practically speaking? How do you treat those pieces that no longer seem to fit in to the puzzle as they did before? You don't want to throw them away, and couldn't even if you wanted to. Where do those pieces go?

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

My boyfriend wrote this today. Like several of his songs/poems, I really don't know what a lot of it's about--it's not about me lol--but it's got my name at the top and I like it! (see how easy girls are to please? pathetic.)

This is for michelle

Stay

I can’t blink
I might miss all these
Ongoing opportunities
And if I may
I think I’ll look away anyway
This is really going nowhere
But I know it will come my way soon
If you know what I mean
If we threw it away anyway
Would I stay?
I would stay
And I can feel this aggravation coming on
I have no trouble finding frustration
And I sleep
And I’m awake
And this is the endless cycle
And I am here
And then I’m not
And I just want to be here
But it seems I’m not.
If we threw it away anyway
Would I stay?
I would stay
And I’ve found you now
And I see you now
And I feel you now
And now I’m here
And now I’m not
And I just want to be here
How am I not?
This is going somewhere
And I know it will come my way someday
And I wait for you
And now I’m here
And it’s where I want to be
Why would I not?
And if we threw it away anyway
Would I stay?
I would stay

greg
*gets starry-eyed expression you see in anime*

Monday, May 06, 2002

Life....is beautiful.