Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Quickie

These days I seem to alternate between frantic anxiety about the future, and an almost zen-like acceptance of the scary inevitabilities of life. Sometimes I'm making myself near sick with worry about where I'll live, what kind of job I'll have, how Sean and I are going to handle being separated, etc etc, and sometimes I just think that it will all work itself out and there's no use worrying about it right this second.

I forced myself not to open up Greenwood Press' website to download the internship application before bedtime, because that just causes more stress and plus, I have to talk to Dr. Bridgford about it first. I've decided I want to intern fall semester, so I can get an earlier taste of whether or not I'll be into publishing. I think I'll also apply to the grant-writing program in Bridgeport. The New Yorker one sounds glamorous, but I hate the city and fetching coffee for a semester would make me hate it even more.

The knowledge that Sean will be in grad school until 2013 is a weird and foreign thought at best, and it's usually one of the things I worry about the most (this is one thing that you single people can feel a measure of satisfaction in, that you don't have to factor another person into your future plans). Long-distance relationships are never easy and heaven knows I haven't loved them in the past, but I have an incredible amount of confidence in our relationship and its ability to thrive even under adverse conditions. It will just be quite the transition when I no longer get the pleasure of seeing him on a daily basis (thinks of Sara's flower/gardener analogy, smiles). We'll be OK, I know we will. I just have to suppress the childish demand for everything in life to be easy.

Carla always emphasizes, as a Protestant would, the virtue of sacrifice, and how you can't-have-it-all-you-have-to-choose blah de blah--well dammit, I DO want it all and I intend to have it, one way or another. I'm like the Antigone of the post-modern Jean Anouihl version: I want everything to be beautiful and amazing and with all of the infinite possibility that the world ever held when I was a child and if I can't have it then I'll just let my uncle wall me up inside a tomb and hang myself. OK, so maybe I'm not quite like Antigone. But I'm still greedy, I still want so many things--most of them aren't material things, it's more ideals that I desire. Like the library with the roaring fireplace and the cushy chairs, or the living room aglow with holiday decorations like you see in those ridiculously smarmy television commercials, or the yellow kitchen with the green plates! (I really want that last one).

I think the best way to describe the way I feel is the part in HP4 (that's the Goblet of Fire) when Mad-Eye puts the Imperius Curse on Harry and tells him to jump on the desk and he resists--he says that he was both trying to jump forward and trying to stay put and just wound up just crashing head-first into the desk. Yes, that about sums it all up. I think with that it's bedtime.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Missing the Old Days...Except Not Really

So I just saw pictures of Greg and his band online from some recent gig--somehow he looks exactly like I always think of him and yet in another way I thought "whoa, who's the crazy bearded guy?". Nostalgia is a strange thing, it's welcome and unwelcome at the same time. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything, much less the constraints of high school, but things were so much more innocent back then, if I may pretend to be so jaded at only 20 years of age. We didn't have to think about much in terms of our concrete futures besides getting into college--now we have to think about the real world, careers, relationships, and all of that. How long ago, the days when Sara and I were dating the drummer and lead singer, respectively, of a little band called Untold Inside. Even now I can't help laughing at the thought of those days. I would pay in gold for a copy of that CD, if only Heather and I could drive home from Northwest one more time yelling out the lyrics. Heterolifemate, I will always think of you when I hear "to breathe, to feel, to know I'm aliheeeeeve"...

But going forward to current times, Sean and I actually went on our second date of the semester this weekend--dating is so different when you see each other all the time! I do so love dates, though, even though the butterflies of the old days are gone. There's nothing as beautiful as strolling through town on a Saturday night with someone you love holding your hand. Not to mention the fact that there were PENGUINS, oh yes, we saw March of the Penguins for the second time, baby penguins are so frickin' cute it's disgusting, I want one desperately as a pet, and with that, goodnight.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Plotting

I really don't want to live here next year, I've realized that. As much as I love 121, I love how we've decorated it, I like having the theater parties conveniently in my basement, I just can't stand the thought of putting up with the rest of this crap my senior year. I'm tiring of always finding our house filthy, so filthy, in fact, that Sean and Mike said they had to breathe through their noses the other night in our living room! I don't want to spend senior year tidying up and grumbling with Carla about how everyone else is a pig. Carla shouldn't have to freak out and clean all the time. For crying out loud, 87 is cleaner than our house, and they're MEN!


I also just frankly don't want to live with these girls anymore. It's not that they're bad...Ioanna, for example, is a wonderful girl, but she's constantly screaming and running up and down the stairs and generally going mad. There's always people coming in and out like the place is a homeless shelter (theater people generally don't knock, either). Let's face it, I don't like people. I'm a misanthrope at heart, though by the grace of God I manage to co-habitate with Carla. Plus I'm not theater either, which automatically puts me at odds with everyone else in the house. I don't blame them, or anything, it's just something that they're involved with and I'm not. So yeah...it's noisy, filthy, and I guess I'm just getting more and more annoyed with it as time goes on. It's the only thing that's really making me count the days till I move out and go to Italy, because otherwise I'd just want to be thoroughly enjoying all my time here. However, it's difficult to enjoy life in 121 when you have to pick through rubble and crap just to find your backpack in the morning. Argh. Unfortunately, Carla does want to live here next year; mostly she wants to live with Anna, who will be her roommate in Italy. However, we have promised each other that we'll be roommates next semester no matter where we end up. I've just got my fingers crossed that it's not right back here where we started.

This grumpy entry is officially closed, and I will now return to half-heartedly pretending that I absolutely WUV this house.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Sigh

So I just sent Sara off in a Fairfield Cab--after discovering that no, the shuttle to town does not run at 11am on a Monday, hoes that they are--after three wonderful days of almost pretending that she really went here and would never ever leave me. It was so much fun, especially the hayride/pumpkin picking which was chosen as the best moment of the weekend...yeah, non-theater people can do superlatives too, so what now! But alas, all good things must come to an end, and back she goes to Providence to dance for pennies on the streetcorners.

Weird to think we have only two months left of the semester. As soon as Sara left I got this sudden wave of fatigue, of ennui, if you will--suddenly I just wanted the whole damn semester to be over so I can go home and pet my cats and play with the dog and spend time with my friends. How domestic of me, I know. Last night at the party I realized I'm getting a little bit tired of college crap. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual--drunk scandalously clad individuals, girls crying on the back porch, in the basement, and on the stairs, waking up to people sleeping on the couches/futons/floors and trash, crushed chips and cans everywhere. Bleh. Then again, I'm really not much of a party person to begin with. I enjoy the prep time and the first hour or so before it becomes a madhouse, but then it's like hm, perhaps I would like to retire upstairs and just chill out. This is except when I'm drunk, of course, which I didn't feel like doing last night, so Sara and I just chilled, and hid in the bathroom at one point pretending to be in a tawdry lesbian hookup, except no one banged on the door quite like we had planned despite Sara's moaning. Good thing I snagged all the comfy couch pillows early to make my bed on the floor upstairs, because people were crashing on the couches this morning and even though I liked the girls, I was still like HA bitches, who slept on the soft shit?

The slide library feels even more confining and boring than usual this morning...I can't believe Eliasoph actually answers his cell phone "Pronto!". Pretentious bastard. Hm, I hope it's not possible for anyone to ever find this journal from this computer at work. Methinks I'll be deleting site histories right about now...conveniently covering up my porn trail, as well. Sweet.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Quickie

It's great to wake up with that warm, contented snuggly feeling in the morning. Even if one paper and two midterms currently stand between you and your four-day weekend.

Am I the only one who doesn't want to live in next semester? It's still only October, and I just want to enjoy the time we have here instead of constantly focusing on what's to come. Our college career is already more than half over, so I'd really rather not hurry it up any further. I guess this is also because I've been so happy this semester, and next semester, while it will be fun and exciting, will also be Sean-less for the most part, and this makes me sad. Meow.

Right now it's the best part of fall, when the leaves are changing and the fallen ones make that dry, crackling sound as the wind kicks them about on the street. I love this time of year, it makes me think of Northwest and walking up to Bishop's Corner after school with Sara and Heather to go to Borders, never buying anything, just reading all their magazines, and then sitting in Starbucks for hours with a single cup of tea and maybe a macadamia nut cookie. The booth in the corner was the best, with the squishy chairs, we always tried to score that one first. How many hours of our high school lives did we spend in those chairs, talking about our futures, about guys, about things we'd never yet experienced but were so eager to? How often in junior and senior year did the conversation move to college, and how worried we all were about splitting up and having to find new places for ourselves, new friends? There was a real fear back then that our friendships wouldn't survive the change. Now four years later, as college draws to a close, I find myself with the same worries, not only about the girls from home but also my friends here. Sadly, we Fairfieldians lack even the bond of a shared hometown (or two) among us, and future holidays and vacations will not draw all of us back to one location. Who knows which relationships will flourish after this, as everyone moves on to work, to grad school, and which ones will simply fade away like Meghan and I? I suppose I should be more worried about the old crowd, but I'm really not. Somehow I know that those relationships, while not set in stone, have weathered enough already in these seven, eight years that I can be reasonably assured of their continued strength. I can't imagine a world without Sara, without Heather and Rae. It's just not a good world. Even if I don't get to see some of them very often *cough* rae *cough* I still just have this sense that we're there for each other. God, we're like the frickin' women in beaches, we'll be writing each other letters our whole lives and not meeting up very often till one of us dies tragically of cancer or something. On a beach. That is how it goes, right? Oh, Fitz, how I wish that you were here so you could explain the intricacies of the plot of what you considered the most horrendous chick flick of all time. Or just so that we could laugh at you a little, for old time's sake.

The happiest news of the moment, meanwhile, is that Sara is coming to visit this weekend! She's staying three whole nights, which is very exciting. We're even going to sneak her onto the bus for the hayride and pretend she's an IRC alum! All she has to do is really parrot back the lines "who are you, whose are you, and who are you called to be" and they won't know the difference. It's like T-Rex not being able to see you when you're not moving. Magic. :-)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Isabel Allende

Meredith and I went to her lecture tonight, after the Dean's office offered a bunch of leftover student tickets for free--a fortuitous thing indeed, considering I already knew it to be sold out and therefore didn't have a hope of going. It was excellent, undoubtedly the best lecture I've been to in my time here. She is a truly gifted storyteller, even the litany of her life story, which is usually so boring from lecturers, was a vivid and adventurous tale. Painful, too, when she described the death of her young daughter. Mysterious, when she read from the letter her daughter had written nine months before her illness, based on a premonitory dream, a letter that spoke of herself as already a spirit, already dead. Dreams and stories, that's what her lecture was about. She said that she wrote to be able to remember, to create a world that is her own, and she mentioned how spotty and unreliable her memory has always been, always forgetting, always blurring the past. My memory is similar. I have trouble remembering details of events that happened only months ago. My memories of my childhood are fragmented, and every day it seems like they get dimmer and farther away. Yet I have such a good memory for things I've read or written, I remember phrases that I loved when I came across years and years ago. Words stick with me, rather than people and events. That worries me. How much of my life can I write down?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Back In the Swing of Things

Here I am with a little extra time before I head down to my indentured servitude in the slide library! It's always nice to be in the house alone in the morning...and the afternoon...ok and the nighttime too. Wendy's here somewhere but she's not making any noise so we're just going to pretend she's not. Our house is luscious, I have to say. It's big, way bigger than I thought it would be, and well-decorated, including some great pieces of furniture that Tess (who is apparently the queen of finding things along the side of the road and re-painting them in funky colors) brought. I love sitting on the back porch when there's a storm going on, just watching the rain come down and the sky light up but never getting wet myself, naturally.

We've already christened the house with not one but two birthday parties; one was for Tess, where we invited people to help us paint a giant mural on canvas we put up on the wall in the basement, and the other for Meredith, where we drank a lot...It was a lot of fun except for the end when Carla got really sick and we had to clean her up, hold her hair back etc while she was yelling things along the lines of "Why won't you just let me DIE??" Eventually we took her to the health center just to be on the safe side, and they said she was fine but they'd keep her for a while, and she ended up sleeping there till 8am the next day, whereupon she returned our house via the back door--not the front one I had left unlocked--and lacking a key, decided to break and enter instead, proving once again how easy it is to break into a townhouse if the window's open: just pop the screen out and climb in!

How lovely it is to be back with my Mama Tiger! Our room (the Fortress of Solitude) looks pretty much the same as last year, right down to the lack of decor on Carla's side. Sean is another welcome sight on campus, now that he's a full-time student again, and he spends a good deal of time at 121 with his girlfriend and half-girlfriend...even though Carla says we make her sick. Sean's room in Dolan, The Land Before Time, is good-sized as well--but to my great sadness, "Dogs Playing Poker" has made its return. Ugh.

Oh, and if you haven't seen "Rome" yet and you have HBO, watch this show!! It's absolutely amazing. Sean and I are obsessed. "Pomp is shiny!"

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Last Post From Home

Tomorrow I'm off to start my junior year. How crazy is that, that two years should have elapsed so quickly! I've been ready for days, and now that my departure is a scant 16 hours away it seems like nothing will fill the time. I've had Rocky to play with, of course--Rocky our soon-to-be adopted golden poodle, the pet of one of my mom's dying patients. He's a great dog, very playful but well behaved. At fourteen poinds, this creature has enough strength to literally drag me down the street in pursuit of one of those mysterious doggy scent trails. Right now he is napping peacefully in the hallway, fresh from another confrontation with a seriously aggrieved Sapphire. She does not see him as the friendly explorer he is; she only perceives that her territory has been invaded, her person threatened, and, worst of all, the precious attention of her humans diverted to another, most unworthy canine. So she hisses, and growls, and makes herself even more unpleasant than usual. The poor thing--when I'm gone and Rocky has moved in on my mother's affections, she will have few friends.

The rounds were made last evening to bid farewell to Sara and Rae. Rae's new house is utterly charming, right down to the black shutters and the cobblestones her father laid out front. I think with the passage of time, it grows easier to say goodbye at the end of the summer--not because we are any less close, as I feel only better friends with all three of them as time moves on--but because there is more of a sense of security between us now that our relationships have weathered the first tumultuous years of college. What a wonderful thing it is, to have such friends.

Tomorrow, though, I go back to Fairfield and my other friends. I look forward so much to this semester, especially now that Sean will be back with us, and our little family will be whole again once more. This year will be great. I know it will.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Wish

I've been wishing and hoping and *gasp* praying a lot lately. Partly out of fear that bad things will happen, and partly because I so dearly desire a lot of good things to come about. Then I read Sara's latest post about wanting her life to be what she had promised herself, and never having anything to regret...I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I have nothing to regret. Even now, not yet twenty, I regret so many things. Little things mostly, like friendships I allowed to lapse, words I should have said but didn't, or vice versa, relationships I shouldn't have entered into, both platonic and otherwise. But I'd like to keep the regrets to a minimum, focus instead on all the things that I celebrate--the good friends that I've stayed close to, the risks I've taken, the guy who I finally realized was right for me all along.

To that end, I whipped out my Wish Book, which I came across in a GoodWill last summer in Monroe. It's a book for--you guessed it--writing down your wishes and dreams, and someone had written a few things in it before me. From the entry she wrote on her birthday in 1997, she's 39 now. She only wrote two entries, both bittersweet. Whoever she was, she wanted life to be simple, but of course it never is. At least she had someone to love who loved her. What a difference that makes!

So here I go. My wishes are going in here, beginning tonight.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

A Goodly Evening

I haven’t written on here in quite a while, but last night was just that damn good that I feel the need to record it. Sean showed up at my office with flowers, gorgeous orange-yellow roses that caused everyone to ooh and ahh. Sean himself was likewise oohed and aahed by my coworkers, especially Nikki, who told me “good job!”. It was such a pick-me-up on an otherwise blah lunch hour, which I usually spend napping on the futon in the break room (though today I am determined to go outside and use the damn hammock). He picked me up from work, too, as Mrs. D’s car was in for a tuneup and she had taken over the Tahoe. However, I will forgive her for messing up my mirrors, changing the radio and squashing the front seat as close to the steering wheel as possible, because she actually filled the car up with gas!
It’s so handy having a man about the house, especially to kill bugs. I hate doing that, and my mom won’t either. He even took out the trash, meaning I think my mom will be drawing up some adoption papers quite soon. The downside for Sean, I suppose, was having to sleep in my sister’s bed, which has been extremely rickety ever since the carpet installation guys decided to take it apart and then put it back to together really badly. The damn thing rattles when you move the headboard, and all night I could hear the squeaking whenever he moved. We’re going to try to fix that next weekend.
We didn’t really do much of anything, which is partly what made it so gloriously nice. Well, when we went to pick up my mom’s car from the darkened auto repair place in the middle of the tobacco fields, there was a moment of that hmmm let’s be crazy teenagers and go “parking”, till we realized it was extremely dark, isolated and—despite being in cozy suburban Windsor and not the backwoods of Arkansas—kinda creepy, so we hightailed it out of there. We went walking around my neighborhood instead—much less chance of being murdered—and even got to observe the cutest, fattest raccoon making a feast out of the cat’s food dish. He ate like a little person, picking up the food with his paws. Precious!!
It’s been kind of rough recently, we realized, because both Sean and I put so much emphasis on the weekends since the weeks are so long and dull, but then we always spend the weekends doing the same thing—mostly laying around Sean’s house watching television. We spend all week looking forward to the weekend, but if the weekend turns out to not be stellar, it’s a big letdown, which is not a good thing. This realization came after a particularly crappy weekend, in which Sean could barely talk for his tonsils, and I came down with some sort of deathly illness courtesy of Sara or another heretofore unknown culprit. So our goal now is not to obsess over the weekends, but also not to spend all our time at Sean’s house! In fact, I probably won’t be visiting there again the rest of the summer…Sean’s coming up here for two weekends, we’re going to Carla’s once, and the final weekend will be just a flurry of packing, shopping, and insanity, in my two whole days between ending work and starting school.
I also just hugely enjoy having Sean at my house…it makes it so very homey. It took a lot of willpower to get my butt out the door this morning and off to work, where I am currently languishing, with 10 calls currently queued up (and why am I not answering them ,you ask? Mmmm, just ‘cause.) Anyway, last night and this morning definitely put a smile on my face. And tonight…tonight…tonight—our pal Adamo from high school managed to get his little nerdy mitts on a copy of the FAMILY GUY MOVIE, and will be screening it at the movie theater at Uhart tonight. J Wheeeee!!!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Where Has July Gone?

....Actually, I don't quite care where it's gone. Hello, August! This has actually been a fantastic summer, really (due in no small part to Boyfriend of the Year down in New Haven), but September is just around the corner!

Now, they say that it's the thought that counts, and for Sean's anniversary present to me, that really was true--he looked up Billy Collins in the yellow pages and wrote him a letter asking him for a signed copy of one of his poems, explaining that his girlfriend really liked his work. And then when he didn't get a response, he got me a signed copy of a book he had edited instead. Now, this is just extraordinary in itself, that he went that far to try for such an amazing present, and it really didn't matter that Collins never wrote back, BUT, when i went down this weekend, what was waiting for me but the signed poem, framed alongside his note "hoping you and michelle are still together"!! What kind of amazing-ness is that from a boyfriend? I so lucky.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Best Fourth

I don't think it would be hyperbole to say that this was the best weekend of my summer. Spending three sunny, beautiful days at Fairfield (which is very pretty in the summer and even more pretty without the hordes of Aberzombies meandering about) with all my favorite people....luscious. I was quite delighted to find that by Sunday night I had assembled almost all of my closest friends in one place, including two roommates, one boyfriend, and my three best friends from home. It was particularly surreal to be walking up that big hill in front of the library with Sara, Rae and Heather; at one point I looked around and there was all of campus spread out behind me, everything that is not home, Windsor, and high school, and yet there they were, too, Heather clutching her gold pumps in one hand as we walked through the grass, and Rae telling us excitedly about the topiary garden people have had sex in at Wellesley. Not to mention the fact that we've only all been together like, once all summer, it's just so awesome that we're still friends, and even more awesome that they and all my school friends got along so well. It's kind of like how you feel really satisfied when your friends like your boyfriend because you know it's a really good sign...and they love Sean and they love my Fairfield friends, wheeee!

I have not drunk so much, eaten so much, laughed so much, nor played so much "Never Ever Have I Ever" in longer than I can remember. It made me that much more revved up to go back to school. I went up to the townhouses briefly to go past mine--how unassuming it looks, but oh, what a place of magical and whimsical wondrousness it shall be!! :-)

Friday, July 01, 2005

July Already?

Has anyone been keeping track of time? I guess the past two months have gone by so quickly because there's been so little downtime; work all week, in New Haven every weekend, very unlike those long, lazy summers where often for days on end I had little to besides read and lounge about. It's nice in many ways that summer has not been dragging on. Only within the past week or so have I finally felt the first pangs of summer boredom syndrome (at work, no less), when I start fervently wishing it would be late August so I can eagerly anticipate the return to school. Many times I've looked at the date and laughed, just remembering where I was a year ago, and how infinitely happier I am now...*shakes head* It's just incredible.

Tomorrow I head down to Fairfield for a 4th of July party, where I will be joined on Sunday by Rae, Heather and Sara, as well as all my school friends and various friends they'll be bringing. Rae and Heather are eager to meet Carla now that Sara's been going on about how much she loves her! Also, Messrs. Smirnoff, Bacardi, and Vino will be attending, in the company of the charming Mme. Coronita. Such a gathering of good friends! :-)


Well, I don't think my job is terrible (they're paying me not to work Monday, and today they paid for almost three hours of me reading "The Joy of Sex" in Borders and getting my hair cut) but I like this:

The Big Bad Wolf Is Real
for Jim Daniels



We don't leave our terrible jobs
as the same humans that showed up
with bag lunches and optimism because

of a good night's sleep. Something's
been milked from us, something that time
sells to abstract powers. No wonder

that happy hour is three hours long,
that rush to be useless. At least our sins
are ours, although profiteers have plans.


Rane Arroyo

Poem I Won't Name But I Like A Lot

More than mere spasm
or when focused mind

and game heart combine
as mechanism,

enthusiasm
maneuvering spine

to bliss, realigned.
More like a schism

or charmed sarcasm
at reason’s fine line,

the old soul’s design
for protoplasm’s

iconoclasm,
exquisitely mined.


Hailey Leithauser

Saturday, June 25, 2005

That Feeling

I always feel this slight sense of embarassment at being happy while someone else has just suffered a harsh disappointment. It's like the love version of survivor guilt; it leads one to ask question like why do bad things happen to good people, when people who have so made so many mistakes (me) still manage to stumble onto the right thing? I have no answer.


Still, amid it all, what comes back to me is the last line of one of my favorite books, "The Oracle Glass", which I've read more times than I can count: "But inside, my heart was singing He's waiting for you, and my mind was fixed on the remembrance of his dark eyes".

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Reading

Such a great number of books on my reading list this summer, and I really want to get through them all, as it's hit me recently during a reorganization of books how many of my books I've never had a chance to read. Right now I'm reading Alexandre Dumas' Three Musketeers, which I was honestly surprised to find as entertaining as it is. Somehow I didn't imagine that a two-hundred-year-old swashbuckler romance (in the genre term, not the Danielle Steele) could really captivate me as much as a modern novel, but it totally does. I find myself reading for a couple of hours without realizing it, when usually with older classics it's enjoyable more on an intellectual level....luckily, The Three Musketeers was written for the masses, and this mass is loving it. Thank heaven my "at-work" reading book is a history book about the 17th century, because otherwise I wouldn't have remembered the historical background of the novel, beyond the infamous Richelieu--specifically, the siege of the Huguenot fortified city of La Rochelle, which plays a huge role in the book. The history book, also surprisingly, is really good. It covered the Enlightenment, the Counter Reformation, the rise of absolutism in France and constitutionalism in England, etc etc. Stuff that I should have a more concrete knowledge of, anyway.

Anyway, here's my reading list as it stands...suggest good books, if you know any. Always room for one more.

Bullfinch's Mythology
Age of Power
The Fencing Master
Artemisia
Merchant of Venice
Julius Caesar
3 Musketeers
Dinosaur in a Haystack
Paradise Lost
Man the MythMaker
Eichmann in Jerusalem
No Exit
Harry Potter 6 :-)

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Happy

Ingredients of a great, lazy weekend: italian ice, warm weather, homemade food and being fed strawberries in bed. mmmm.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Thinking

Spring semester has been on my mind a lot recently. Basically, because my job pays so well I'm in a position now where I could conceivably go study abroad in Italy. My scholarship would reimburse me for the plane fare and will cover most of the tuition, and I'd have the bank account money, probably all my own without having to go into the school fund account I have. But now I'm questioning whether I'll still go or not, for a lot of reasons. One thing I've noticed is that now that I actually have money, I'm not keen on separating myself from it. I'm not sure I want to save save save this summer and fall and then spend it all in the spring.

Secondly, there's the Fulbright thing. If I work hard and come up with an amazing project, I could be on my way abroad after graduation anyway. Staying here spring semester would give me a lot more time to work on it, and Dr. Gogol said that spring/summer of your junior year is the optimum time to work on it, as everything has to be submitted by October of senior year. Then there's the fact that I have to balance two majors, one minor, and one or more possible internships. When I talked to the English internship guy, he said that he thought it would be best to do an internship spring semester of junior year and spring of senior year as well. Fall is apparently not as key.

Then there's the Sean factor; yes, I know some of you are probably groaning right now thinking that he shouldn't be a consideration, but of course he is. We had already started making plans to go on a trip to Italy together since neither of us could really afford to study abroad. In that case I could still have my scholarship pay for plane fare and my hotel bill because I would be going for an educational/cultural experience, so it'd definitely be cost-effective! Plus, in a lot of ways, a two week vacation with him sounds better than four months in Italy without him.

So there are all these factors jumbled together. I could spend all of my money on four months in Italy with Carla and Meredith, which would admittedly be a lot of fun, or I could stay at Fairfield, work on academic-y things, be with Sean, and go to Italy on spring break. Oh yeah, and have money. I'll be honest; I'm really leaning toward not going. Yes, Carla will have a fit when she finds out. At least this time I'll be making the free decision not to go instead of being forced into by the simple fact of not having the money.

Ah, big thoughts, which must end because I have to get dressed to meet the girls at Starbucks. Our last night with Rae, what sadness!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

And The Beat Goes On

I really like my job, which is a surprising thing to say. Well, I like it as a summer job; perhaps I wouldnt like it so much if I were facing spending several years of my life doing it like some of my co-workers. But the people are great, the atmosphere is pleasant, and the work itself, while sometimes stressful and hectic, seems stimulating at least. Adam told us that while now we all balk at the idea of people paying 400 bucks for a pair of Neil Diamond tix, soon we won't even blink when people drop thousands of dollars on prime seats for the Superbowl or World Series. Corporate accounts have been known to spend in the tens of thousands on a single order--we've looked at some of the files and it's like, jesus, is this why we're hated by so many countries? I mean, my company fulfills what is by world standards a completely superfluous need; in places that barely have basic necessities, a service that charges premium prices for hugely expensive tickets to entertainment events would be unthinkable. Perhaps it's naive, but I can imagine so many better uses for your 800 bucks than getting floor seats to a U2 concert.

We all went out for pizza after work today to give everyone a chance to hang out; I, as the sole underage individual, was restricted to the root beer (although the guy who hired me said: "aren't you in your twenties? holy shit!"). The only other fun thing that happened today was learning about the perks program, which like the stock I probably won't be around long enough to enjoy. Anyway, for exceptional work, attendance, special projects etc, you can earn varying numbers of perks points, which then you can get stuff with. So I'm thinking, oh great, I can get a tshirt, but then Adam whips out this gigantic glossy catalogue and passes it around, and turns out you can get everything from sports equipment, digital cameras, and vacations to electric razors and dishwashers. I had my eye on this nice Kodak camera which was only like 140 pts (you can get 50 pts a month for perfect attendance, and i've got three months, so....), but the rest of the stuff was just awesome. He showed us some stats from the SF office, where they just started this program, and one woman's already racked up 900...apparently she's a crazy hard worker though, so I don't dream of coming near that. Still, I hope if I ever work in an office when I'm older that they have something like that...and raises and bonuses too, those sound fun lol.

Anyway, this is the first summer where I havent immediately gotten out of school and started couting down to fall. I'm very much anticipating making money and going to work, and plus I just plain haven't had time, really. Next week is when I start being on my real schedule, 11:30-8pm, so hopefully then I won't be having to go to bed at midnight, ugh.

Oh, I'm turning Sean into a cat-lover! Well, not really, he'll always be a dog person, but hey, no one's perfect. Anyway, the nights he's spent here, sapphire and cinnamon have both taken a turn sleeping with him, and seem to be ridiculously excited when he shows up. They're #1 Sean fans now, the little furry sluts; meanwhile, they basically ignore sara and heather when they come over, despite sara being partially responsible for sapphire's very presence in our house. How quickly feline minds forget a favor (ooh alliteration).

God, my mom's listening to Dr. Phil upstairs. How I hate that little bald man!

How Could I Resist--

The Highwayman

The wind was a torrent of darkness upon the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight looping the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding--
Riding--riding--
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door.

He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead, and a bunch of lace at his chin;
He'd a coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of fine doe-skin.
They fitted with never a wrinkle; his boots were up to his thigh!
And he rode with a jeweled twinkle--
His rapier hilt a-twinkle--
His pistol butts a-twinkle, under the jeweled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
He tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred,
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter--
Bess, the landlord's daughter--
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim, the ostler listened--his face was white and peaked--
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter--
The landlord's black-eyed daughter;
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say:

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart; I'm after a prize tonight,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light.
Yet if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

He stood upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair in the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the sweet black waves of perfume came tumbling o'er his breast,
Then he kissed its waves in the moonlight
(O sweet black waves in the moonlight!),
And he tugged at his reins in the moonlight, and galloped away to the west.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon.
And out of the tawny sunset, before the rise of the moon,
When the road was a gypsy's ribbon over the purple moor,
The redcoat troops came marching--
Marching--marching--
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord; they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed.
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets by their side;
There was Death at every window,
And Hell at one dark window,
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

They had bound her up at attention, with many a sniggering jest!
They had tied a rifle beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her. She heard the dead man say,
"Look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though Hell should bar the way."

She twisted her hands behind her, but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it, she strove no more for the rest;
Up, she stood up at attention, with the barrel beneath her breast.
She would not risk their hearing, she would not strive again,
For the road lay bare in the moonlight,
Blank and bare in the moonlight,
And the blood in her veins, in the moonlight, throbbed to her love's refrain.

Tlot tlot, tlot tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hooves, ringing clear;
Tlot tlot, tlot tlot, in the distance! Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding--
Riding--riding--
The redcoats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still.

Tlot tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment, she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight--
Her musket shattered the moonlight--
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him--with her death.

He turned, he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the casement, drenched in her own red blood!
Not till the dawn did he hear it, and his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs in the golden noon, wine-red was his velvet coat
When they shot him down in the highway,
Down like a dog in the highway,
And he lay in his blood in the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.

And still on a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor,
The highwayman comes riding--
Riding--riding--
The highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred,
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter--
Bess, the landlord's daughter--
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.


Alfred Noyes