Last night was a lot of things. Painful. Uncomfortable. Sad. I finally told greg the truth about the night at melissa's house, where he thought i was drunk and i wasn't. i don't necessarily lie to be cruel; often i lie because i don't know how to explain the truth. i didn't know how to tell him i was scared of seeing him, so i had them tell him i was drunk instead, and that opened up a world of trouble. so that's settled.

i've made so many mistakes in my life. this is what i lay awake last night thinking about, until i forced myself to think of happier things...i never saw the complications coming, i always thought i kept my life simple, free of the shit that other people usually had. i started thinking, well it was less complicated last year. no, no it wasn't, there was stuff with sara and me being frustrated with greg and problems with my mom and jen. well it was less complicated junior year. no, there was the annie thing, and then the sara/greg thing. well it was less complicated before then, after my dad died. HA. no way. his death might have solved some things for this family but it sure as hell created another set of difficulties. well then it must have been less complicated before he died, right? wrong again. i remember how miserable i was a lot of the time, how i didn't like myself at all, how i constantly felt like the friends i hung around with (besides sara) , katherine, erika, pam, weren't really my friends.

so what was my conclusion? my life has never been simple, i've just been deluding myself. the complications sneak up on me. of course, some of them i've dealt myself, like getting involved with jackie, getting involved with andrew, etc. i always told myself i wouldnt be one of those girl with the soap opera lives. well, first i got involved with a guy one of my closest friends used to like, and then i broke up with him and rebounded toward another guy that one of my new friends liked at the same time, then i realized my mistake and cut that off, only to wind up with a new mess, and then was later briefly intrigued by the ex-boyfriend of an old acquaintance. thank lord above nothing happened there or i'd be in a worse mess, probably. but still, jesus! this from the girl who thought her intelligence would protect her from the sticky situations other mortals found themselves in. HA. big fucking good being smart did me.

why can't i look forward and perceive the complications before they happen? why can't i avoid some of this messiness? i never wanted a messy life. i'm a messy person usually but i thought i could keep my life in order. maybe not. why, why, why.