Still Alive!!

My illness appears to be on the wane, whoot! Finally I can swallow without pain, even if I'm still kinda coughing every five seconds. Oh well. Many good things happening lately despite the being sick--I found out Sara's and my spring breaks will overlap THIS WEEKEND!! once again we will be rockin' the W.H. Also, a small road trip may be in order, so that once again, the powerful fashion team of "What Not to Wear" Lugo and "No More Guido" DiMarzo may assert their influence on sean's spring wardrobe. Let the battle begin.

Speaking of sean, though, I must get disgustingly mushy here and say that he is absolutely the best guy to have around when you're not feeling well. He bought me tons of fruit and went out at night to CVS to get a thermometer when I had a fever, fetched me a million glasses of water, allowed me to steal the covers, and generally suffered my sick grumpiness for three days with great panache. My hat is off to you, dear.

My hat also goes off to a certain roommate of mine who just completed her five shows as star of Dead Man Walking! We saw her on Saturday in it, and despite feeling like crap that was one hell of a good performance. Mama Bear is so special.

So, now one week till SPRING BREAK! Which will not necessarily involve me going anywhere warm, but I mean I'll get to see sara, possibly help my mom select dog number 2 (which might come from a Sheltie Rescue Society in Monroe, despite me assuring my mom that you should never ever trust anything that comes out of that particular town, eh sara? lol), shop for/torture sean, spend some time with my beloved cats, sleep, and then return to new haven friday through sunday, hopefully. Carla wanted me to visit her, but she lives in the middle of the woods and I (as usual) don't want to spend that much money traveling after the amount of money I spent in the city the other weekend...ah well. We just can't seem to do without each other, alas. Mama Bear needs her Mama Tiger!!

Oh, last night I had a dream where Rodney Dangerfield was making fun of all these people I don't like for me. Heehee. I must have been reminded of him last night during the "tribute to dead people" section of the Oscars.

Anyway, there's work to be done. I have no classes Friday, so I just need to get to Thursday and I'm golden. I can't wait.

Belated

I realized I never really posted about my weekend with Heather and Rae...how can one possibly describe the fantastic-ness? How to capture the fabulosity of the gay club, shopping, drinking with heather AND rae, teasing poor aj over the phone, having a frank conversation about sex with greg online while intoxicated, leaving a really half-assed drunk dial on sean's phone, highlighting my hair red, borrowing heather's clothes, shoes and makeup and everything else, sleeping in her roommate's giant bed and decidedly NOT spooning with rachel von stealin-covers, seeing the less-than-awe-inspiring gates and generally wandering around NYC with two of my best friends? Oh, it cannot be put into words. The only thing that could have made the experience better was if Sara had been able to make it--then would our little group have been made complete, and quite possibly Rae and I could have danced scandalously with her too instead of just with each other, and hey, that sketchy black straight guy probably would have gone right for her, because she's one of his people! heehee. just kidding, my dear. However, despite the lack of our S-lo, spending time with the girls really recharged my batteries exactly like i needed it to. I mean, we helped rae pick out sex lingerie. What better form of bonding could there be??

Redux

NWC-ers: Remember this from the Love and Sex lecture our senior year? (This was an old guy who gave us a valentine's day lecture in order to disabuse us of our grand notions about sex, ie it lasts on average 8 minutes, and about 'true love', ie most of you in this audience are moronic little twits with too many hormones. alas, too true in those days)This was the test of how good your relationship is (pardon my writing in spots, this was two years ago)

1. What is the Main Attraction? If it was their money or their body, bad sign. Personality, good sign.
2. What are the number of things that attract you to the other person? If you can only think of a few, bad sign. If you can think of a lot, good sign. This might take longer than some of the other questions; it wasn't something I could just decide instantly in the auditorium while he was talking. I had to sit down and think about it.
3. How did the relationship start? If everything happened really fast, all at once, and two weeks later you're in love, chances are it's just infatuation. If things take longer to develop, better chances it's love.
4. How did it stop? This is not something you can answer during the relationship (duh). But if you didn't really love the person, it ends and you're over it a month or so later, wondering what you saw in him/her. If it was love, you never get over it (well you do, but never completely, even if you love again, which you probably will), and it changes you forever. I'm not sure this is so applicable if someone got really hurt by another person. That might change them forever, and they might never forget it, but that doesn't necessarily mean they loved that person.
5. Is it consistently good? If you're usually pretty good with the other person, outside of regular spats and fights and periods of grouchiness, good sign. If it's all ups and downs, one minute you want them dead, the next you want their pants on the floor, that leans more toward bad. There go all those romance novels--rage and passion do not a happy love match make.
6. How does distance affect things? Can you handle being separated, does that make you appreciate the other person even more? If so, good sign. If you get all impatient and go looking for some ass a week after the other person is gone, very bad sign.
7. How do you see each other? Do you think in idealized forms, like "oooh he's perfect", not seeing the faults? Bad sign. Muy malo. If you recognize the other person's faults, and love them despite their flaws, good sign. Muy bien.
8. How do you handle quarrels? If you break up after arguing over who controls the radio dial--every single week--that's a bad sign. If you try to work things out and don't run away, good sign.
9. What are the attitudes of your friends/family, and how does that affect you? The guy made the excellent point that having your friends and family hate your significant other is RARELY a good sign. These people know you, and want the best for you, and chances are that they're seeing something you're not. Their opinions should matter to you, because you love them back--not that they rule your life, obviously. Anyway, good sign if they like him/her, possible bad sign if they don't; good sign if you care about what they think; possible bad sign if you don't. This is an iffy one, different in each situation, I guess.
10. How does the relationship affect your personality? If being with this person has made you retreat from all your relationships and responsibilites to focus exclusively on them, very bad sign. If your relationship has made you even more complete and well-rounded, good sign.
11. "Feeling Reference". In conversation, when talking about your relationship, do you use "me and her" or "we"? Do you say "I did this, and he did this" or "we did this". If you're using "I", that leans toward lack of committment. If you say "we" more often then not, then you really think of yourselves as a couple, a pair, a team.
12. What's your ego response? Are you selfish toward the other person, or are you unselfish?
13. What's your overall attitude? Kind of the same as the last. Do you percieve your role to be more giving or more taking?
14. Finally, the Jealousy question. Some amount of jealousy is nice; everyone likes to feel loved. However, if the other person freaks when you talk to an ex or just another person of the opposite sex, bad sign. Insecurities ahead! If however, the other person is secure in your affections, they probably love you enough to trust you.

A Quote from Scully

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with" --Gillian Anderson

Reminder

Note to self: Buy Sean jeans. And force him to wear them often.

It's DONE!!!

It's done!!!! Our house is settled, and everyone's happy, and the unhappiness and the cattiness and the whole unpleasant business is over and done with. We found our seventh person--a girl Wendy knows, who might be an RA anyway. So I will now be living with Anna, Carla, Tess, Wendy, Ioanna, and this girl Desiree, and I will be living in a room with Carla once again. It's gonna be awesome. I'm already looking forward to decorating with wendy and ioanna (who seem to be the ones most interested in the decor of the as-yet-unsecured house). It's been decided that we will try to get 121, which is a traditional theater house, and hopefully if that's not available we can get an end house, cause those are bigger.

I'm so glad this worked out.

In four days it will be the four of us...and heather's roomies aren't going to be there, so it will be just us in an apartment made for four!

Things To Do:

Dye hair weird colors
Go to Heaven
Visit Gates
Be cracked out
Spoon someone

Valentine's Day

I will officially designate this as the Best Valentine's Day ever! Sean managed to give me exactly the kind of gift I like--fun, cute, thoughtful, AND creative. A few weeks back I posted something about all the things I wish I could do, like take a train ride, dye my hair, go to a concert, get letters, etc; basically, every part of my gift corresponded to something in there--he gave me a Metallica tape so I could have my own concert in his car (and not suffer the oldies stuff), a little toy train with a coupon for a train ride, a letter, and not one, but TWO boxes of hair dye, one blue and one red!! Plus he gave me roses and --of course--caramels, AND he brought roses for carla, which absolutely made her day. Talk about thinking outside the box (but the box came too!). Last night we went to Bellini's, this cute little restaurant where I felt entirely over-dressed and where I enjoyed eating pasta while Sean, who has foolishly sacrificed it for lent, could not. Later we went to see House of Flying Daggers, which had its moments of cinematic coolness, but on the whole was far less interesting than Hero and a little tedious toward the end (at one point, a character who was stabbed in the heart, "died", and been covered with snowfall for several hours GETS BACK UP, still on the verge of death. please.) Sean's whole family, besides Danny, was away for the weekend, so we had the house to ourselves. Tonight was especially nice, just curled up on the sofa in front of the fireplace watching "A League Of their Own" and eating more pasta sean couldnt have, while he ate his awful fish sauce. bleh.

And if you couldn't tell, he is simply the most amazing Valentine I have ever had.

Valentine's Day Approacheth

Tomorrow is Valentine's day for me, since Mondays really are a tad inconvenient. I finally get to see House of Flying Daggers!! Monday will also mark, let's see, two years that I've had a particularly useless purple lilac-scented heartshaped candle, thank you greggiepoo, and one year that the wonderful Mr. Bojangles has slept by my side, courtesy of charles. If this upward trend in presents continues, well, I bet I'll really like whatever Sean gives me this year! :-)

Tomorrow is also ONE WEEK till the weekend of incredible magical fun-ness in NYC with heather, rae and sara!! whoot!!! Words cannot describe how excited I am at the prospect of all of us being together, especially since I had forlornly been expecting only to be reunited come summer break, which is a looong way off from here.

So, my new debate partner, Chris (I initially wrote Christ, but unfortunately, JC isn't down with APDA) who is a good debater but really intense and very....APDA, ie talks REALLY fast and REALLY loud and uses all those random APDA phrases like "cross-apply that..." and "that's a tautological argument"...yeah, apparently his parents are english aristocrats who live in london, while he gets to live at home in what is apparently a mansion, because there is more than one wing....he transferred from William and Mary after taking last semester off to rewrite the book he wrote over the summer...yeah. He said he's having a party there during the Yale tournament, but alas, that's Easter weekend. He has already convinced me to go to the Mount Holyoke tournament the weekend our spring break starts, because hey, it's conveniently close to UMass, why not?

In other news...my feet are really cold...don't know why that's worthy of writing down but I already did it, oh well! Oh, anyone who has not seen the fabulous film entitled "My Little Equines Gone Wrong", created by our very own Sara and her roommate Jen, you need to see it. Trust me.

Another Goodbye

My mom left a message on my phone this morning that Sheena died during the night. I won't pretend I really liked the dog, I didn't, I hated her barking and her following me around the house and having to clean up after her. I hated that she chased my cats and ate their food. I'm not a dog person. But I still felt so terrible when I heard my mom's voice saying that she was gone, because she sounded so sad and alone. Sheena was my mom's company, her friend--which sounds silly, no doubt, to anyone who's never had a pet. I told Mike this a little while ago, that my cats really are my friends, as strange as that sounds, and Sheena was my mom's friend. I know it cheered my mom up when she came home to an empty house to have a dog greeting her at the door, happy to have her back. It just makes me so indescribably sad to think of my mom coming home to a silent, empty house, with nothing barking and wagging its tail and waiting to be let out. I hate the thought of my mom being lonely. Hasn't life made her lonely enough? My dad was her only real friend, and he's gone, and now Sheena too. It's just not fair, not fair.

I feel like I should say a prayer for her, that she goes to whatever happy place dogs get to be after they die. Mike agreed with me that he thinks animals have souls. Some people think that's overly sentimental, but if you have pets that you really care about, you can't help but see something deeper when you look into their eyes. They're not dumb machines that exist for a certain length of time and then disappear into the void; they have personality and spirit to them. I was remembering how my dad used to say that in his idea of heaven you're with everyone you love, including all the pets you ever owned. My mom thinks Pepper died of a broken heart after my dad died, and somehow I always imagined that they were together, and Bonnie and Jasmine too, forever begging for treats in some eternal paradise. Or maybe they won't have to beg anymore, because maybe heaven for cats is a land of never-ending catnip and Whiskas treats? I don't know. But on the walk back from class I pictured Sheena joining them there, wherever there is, and my dad finally getting to meet this little dog that had been causing so much of a ruckus down below. He always wanted a dog, after all. I think Sheena's idea of heaven would be an unlimited number of squirrels for her to chase, a never-ending supply of MilkBones, and someone to give her tummy rubs. I hope she has that, wherever she is.

Jesus H

What a weekend...Friday night me, Mike and Lauren went to Sean's house for some pasta fagouli good times, and I made them watch Orgazmo, which is such an amusing movie. Saturday Sean and I visited Hubbard in the rehabilitation center, where she's hopped up and strung out on various painkillers after having had double knee replacement surgery. She's so funny--and such an awful patient. We had lunch with Linda and Michelle, Sean's aunt (who according to Linda is to be henceforth only called Shelly, to avoid confusion) and then I wound up feeling sick, so we didn't go to Danny G's house. And then I drove Sean's car back to school!

Last night was the debate party at Jamie's townhouse, to which we in the debate team asked if we could bring our other friends to. It was fun, we played flip cup with Courteney, and I learned that properly diluted rum and Coke is not that bad. Jamie insisted on giving us semi-permanent marker tattoos (this year I wound up with a "I HEART CUPCAKES" on my boobs), and insisted on a dance party in the basement, where a large inflatable ball was used by me with malice aforethought...in short, everything was a lot of fun, till Mike W. threw up all over Jamie's foyer. Needless to say, we felt really bad, since he was our friend, so two of the boys walked him home and we cleaned the bathroom and the basement. I personally think it was cleaner when we left than when we got there.

Drunk Carla also made an appearance last night. I discovered her sprawled outside our door after the usual "Ahhh don't come in!" when the door started opening. cough cough. We went back down to TJ and Mike's room where Carla was her usual really amusing drunken self, attaching herself to TJ, loudly proclaiming that I'm a ho, and telling me to "step away from the buffet and let her have some". Ah, my roommate.

another

Random Thought Provokers
Created by rebratka and taken 9322 times on bzoink!
What makes you laugh?	Comedy class! ...how expected, I know
Who is your hero?	I don't really have one
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?	Sara or Carla
How many pairs of shoes do you own?	20?
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?	In my roommate's drawers!
Who do you blame for your mood today?	The nice spring weather
If the Internet were sex... I would	be SUCH a frickin' nympho...oh, wait
Have you ever seen a dead body?	Yes
What is something scientists need to invent?	vibrating underwear! damn, they beat me to it, didn't they. crazy scientists.
What should we do with stupid people?	Put them on an island where they can all be stupid together
Have you ever broken a bone?	no
Do you watch local news? Why?	no....possibly, i don't care
What happens after you die?	You stop living?
How big is your bed? Big enough?	Definitely not big enough
How long do you think you will live?	hopefully as long as i'm in good physical and mental shape
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

What Today Feels Like

It is entirely possible that spring is only in here, in my room, because I haven't gone outside yet to find out whether it is also all around. All I can feel is the cool breezes coming in my window, and that particular smell, the smell that is not of cold, biting air, but of melting snow and sun and blue skies, the smell that says "spring is coming, spring is coming!"

Unfortunately, a small groundhog in Pennsylvania has seen his own shadow, thereby decreeing it will be six more weeks until the world is "puddle-wonderful" again. That can't stop me from enjoying my own little spring, even if it is only flourishing in my dorm room.

Last Night

Last night, like many other nights before it, I dreamed that my dad was alive. There was no sense that he had been dead and was brought to life again, merely that he had been away from some time, and we were all so happy to have him back. Strangely, he showed up wearing the old-fashioned suit and horn-rim glasses that I remember from some random picture of him in the '70s. I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, that I would do anything to make him happy now, but then as I hugged him later on I remember saying to myself "This is a dream...but it's ok". I wasn't even disappointed when I woke up, because I guess I had known all along. It was a good dream nonetheless.

It's Long, I Know

Really Long Survey (over 200)
Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 64994 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	Michelle
Are you named after anyone?	no
What's your screename?	thelazaruscat
Would you name a child of yours after you?	Ah, no
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?	Michael? We ARE twins, Mike!!
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?	Meredith
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?	my last name is prone to variations, yes
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?	Nope
Basics
Your gender:	Female
Straight/Gay/Bi:	Straight but not narrow, of course
Single?	No
If not, do you want to be?	Haha what a question! No, but someone WAS recently encouraging me to keep TFB company
Birthdate:	10/1/85
Your age:	19
Age you act:	19?
Age you wish you were:	21!!!
Your height:	5-8
Eye color:	Brown
Happy with it?	Yes...though green eyes would be nice with my hair
Hair color:	Black
Happy with it?	oh yes
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:	lefty!!!
Your living arrangement:	Happily cohabitating with my dear Dutch roomie
Your family:	Hm...one's dead, one's a nurse, one's annoying. That about covers it
Have any pets?	My odious canine, and two darling cats
Whats your job?	Slave to Professor Rose in the Art History slide library
Piercings?	ears
Tattoos?	none
Obsessions?	shiny things, johnny depp, books
Addictions?	COKE
Do you speak another language?	spanish, sort of
Have a favorite quote?	no
Do you have a webpage?	you're on it! go you!
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?	Sometimes, a little too much
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?	Most of the time
Do you have any secrets?	Naturally
Do you hate yourself?	Hate is a strong word. We have our differences.
Do you like your handwriting?	Sure
Do you have any bad habits?	see "addictions", above
What is the compliment you get from most people?	That I'm smart and a good writer
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?	to quote another survey of mine from years ago, "The Day I Fell Off the Wagon and Realized I Liked the Road"
What's your biggest fear?	heights
Can you sing?	no!
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?	meaning, be a poser? not really, though i do like looking cool
Are you a loner?	sometimes
What are your #1 priorities in life?	Being happy
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?	If i were an intelligent other person, with a good sense of humor, yes
Are you a daredevil?	ha-no
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?	oh yes, i could make a list. well, fear, not really, but dislike, yup
Are you passive or agressive?	Both. Passive when it comes to confrontation, generally.
Do you have a journal?	Yes, here--three years running
What is your greatest strength and weakness?	Intelligence/Indecisiveness
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?	the way i look
Do you think you are emotionally strong?	yes
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?	Of course...mostly relating to guys i've dated, some of whom may or may not have been cuban, shot me with a bb gun, and/or had the initials BD
Do you think life has been good so far?	Yes
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?	Carpe Diem. Unfortunately, sometimes I have learned that lesson so well that I don't look as far ahead as I should. Alas.
What do you like the most about your body?	My face
And least?	the rest?
Do you think you are good looking?	Pretty much
Are you confident?	Yes
What is the fictional character you are most like?	Genevieve in the Oracle Glass, perhaps
Are you perceived wrongly?	not that i know of
Do You...
Smoke?	no
Do drugs?	no
Read the newspaper?	yes
Pray?	on occasion...i did last night, randomly
Go to church?	no
Talk to strangers who IM you?	rarely
Sleep with stuffed animals?	no, they go on the chair
Take walks in the rain?	no, i hate precipitation
Talk to people even though you hate them?	unfortunately
Drive?	not enough!
Like to drive fast?	yes
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?	No, i sound like a guy!
Hurt yourself?	no
Been out of the country?	yes
Eaten something that made other people sick?	no
Been in love?	yes
Done drugs?	no
Gone skinny dipping?	no
Had a medical emergency?	yes, i fainted once, quite randomly
Had surgery?	no
Ran away from home?	no
Played strip poker?	no
Gotten beaten up?	no
Beaten someone up?	no
Been picked on?	not particularly
Been on stage?	no
Slept outdoors?	yes...the last time was the legendary HILL trip
Thought about suicide?	not seriously
Pulled an all nighter?	nope
If yes, what is your record?	----
Gone one day without food?	nope
Talked on the phone all night?	not all night, but for hours
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?	yes
Slept all day?	yes!
Killed someone?	um...no.
Made out with a stranger?	yeah, kinda
Had sex with a stranger?	no
Thought you're going crazy?	no
Kissed the same sex?	yes (to my roommate's raised horror...i've told her more than once, so i think she blocks it out)
Done anything sexual with the same sex?	yes
Been betrayed?	um, not so much that i really remember
Had a dream that came true?	no
Broken the law?	yes
Met a famous person?	no
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?	no (remembers the infamous Bunny Incident involving a certain gregory, a certain coffinmobile, and the mocking of the tragic death of an innocent rabbit
On purpose?	no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?	yes
Stolen anything?	when i was little
Been on radio/tv?	no
Been in a mosh-pit?	yes, unfortunately
Had a nervous breakdown?	no
Bungee jumped?	no
Had a dream that kept coming back?	yes! dinosaurs and killers and vampires, oh my!
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?	not our 9
Miracles?	yes
Astrology?	eh, i don't know, but it's entertaining
Magic?	no
God?	yes
Satan?	i believe in evil, not satan
Santa?	no
Ghosts?	kinda
Luck?	yes
Love at first sight?	no!!! damn you romeo and juliet!! grow up and stop killling yourselves!!
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?	yes
Witches?	no
Easter bunny?	no *Elmer! I miss you! *
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?	yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?	no
Do you wish on stars?	yes
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?	No
Do you think God has a gender?	No
Do you believe in organized religion?	It works for some people
Where do you think we go when we die?	the afterlife
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?	no
Who is your best friend?	Pluralize that, and it's the girls back home
Who's the one person that knows most about you?	probably sara, she's known me the longest
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?	i can't quite recall
Your favourite inside joke?	the ducks...though honestly, that's so outside, can it really be called an inside joke?
Thing you're picked on most about?	at home, for not being a virgin...here, for being "add"
Who's your longest known friend?	sara
Newest?	everyone here?
Shyest?	meredith
Funniest?	carla and heather really crack me up, as do tj and sean
Sweetest?	rae, mike
Closest?	girls back home
Weirdest?	heather
Smartest?	rae
Ditziest?	my initial reaction is heather, an instinct that stretches all the way back to freshman year, but i associate ditzy with dumb, and heather's certainly not that, so i dont know
Friends you miss being close to the most?	wendy
Last person you talked to online?	wendy
Who do you talk to most online?	sean, sara
Who are you on the phone with most?	sean
Who do you trust most?	all of them
Who listens to your problems?	all of them
Who do you fight most with?	i don't really fight with them
Who's the nicest?	um...they're all nice
Who's the most outgoing?	heather!
Who's the best singer?	toss-up, heather or rae
Who's on your shit-list?	hahaha no one at present
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?	not really
Who's your second family?	girls back home
Do you always feel understood?	most of the time...here everyone considers me to have something of an add complex, which we all have back home, so no one ever minds, i guess
Who's the loudest friend?	heather
Do you trust others easily?	yes
Who's house were you last at?	um...rae's, i think...oh no, that's not her house anymore, cause she moved! eep
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:	sean
Do your friends know you?	yes
Friend that lives farthest away:	rae, damn you!
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?	wow, nice first question...sometimes, but not usually
What do you find romantic?	johnny depp!
Turn-on?	see above
Turn-off?	lack of above!
First kiss?	Ugh. Aaron. first REAL kiss (and therefore the better one) was manuel
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?	awkward. very, very awkward.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going	knowing someone first
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out	it isn't? uh-oh
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv	*thinks back on past* YES...which begs the question, WHY?
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?	yes
What is best about the opposite sex?	when they smell good, when they look good
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?	when they smell bad and look bad. also when they are idiots.
What's the last present someone gave you?	Sean gave me a copy of Lamb!
Are you in love?	No
Do you consider your significant other hot?	he's handsome!
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?	Tommy
You wanted to kill?	Jen
That you laughed at?	carla
That laughed at you?	carla!
That turned you on?	sean
You went shopping with?	hmm...mom?
That broke your heart?	tommy
To disappoint you?	i don't know
To ask you out?	technically, dirk
To make you cry?	tommy
To brighten up your day?	sara
That you thought about?	all my friends, after this quiz
You saw a movie with?	Sean
You talked to on the phone?	sean
You talked to through IM/ICQ?	wendy
You saw?	carla
You lost?	my dad
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?	no, i'm going to bed
Will it be with your significant other?	if that significant other is carla, yes
Or some random person?	she's not random, i love her!
What are you wearing right now?	pjs
Body part you're touching right now:	feet...with my feet
What are you worried about right now?	philosophy class tomorrow, and the reading i totally could not understand
What book are you reading?	re-reading Lamb and Jonathon Strange...
What's on your mousepad?	dont have one
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:	tired, content, excited, relaxed...nondescript?
Are you bored?	no
Are you tired?	yes
Are you talking to anyone online?	no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?	no
Are you lonely or content?	content
Are you listening to music?	nope
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This Too Shall Pass

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

Musing

Regret and guilt are strange creatures. Once you've made a bed you have to lie in it, of course, but I hope in the future I see these mistakes before I make them. Or maybe that's just the point, that I've made this many mistakes so that I'll know what not to do in the future. I hope that's the case. But something tells me there are just so many other mistakes out there, waiting to be made, that I've only taken care of what amounts to a few drops in the bucket. I can't even blame a lack of common sense for everything that's happened. Sometimes you can't see through the fog of what you want to determine what's really the best for you.

I'm in a bad, contemplative mood today. Everything makes me think, when all I want to do is clear my mind. I can't clear my mind, ever, I'm the world's worst meditater. I think I'm falling into one of those moods, like heather has on her site sometimes, of feeling like just the stupidest crappiest person ever. Not intelligence-wise, in fact I've been inordinately pleased with both of the papers I wrote for Regan this past week, but in everything else. Just in being a person. I don't suck, but I feel very fatigued at the thought of even trying to be a good person right now. I kind of want to get away from here and go home, how strange is that? Usually I go home already anticipating my return to Fairfield, but right now, what would I not give for a quiet evening at home, even with my mom pestering me to fix lightbulbs and the dog barking and the cat insisting on sleeping on the book I'm trying to read. I'd settle for a home where Jen is even...that's how much I'd just rather not be here right now. I'd rather not be me right now, I guess. At home I have some measure of anonymity, I can just be, just watch TV and write and read my books, don't have to see anyone if I don't want to. It's not even feeling antisocial, because Carla just got home and I'm not "grrr, go away so I can type angrily on my blog!" I just want to get away from feeling anything, worrying about anything, thinking about anything. I want to float. I want to sleep but not to dream.

Quite possibly my mood will change dramatically tomorrow. Anyway, as it is, I have no choice but to see people, to be here. I think what I would like is a day to myself, but even that can't happen soon, because I have the tournament in NYC this weekend, and Jamie's throwing a party Saturday night, and then Sunday I'll have all my work.

I want to put colored highlights in my hair. Blue. Or red.
I want to get on a train and go somewhere. Just me.
I want to go to a loud concert and scream knowing no one can hear me in the crowd.
I want to write letters and really write them, like in the old days. Now that we have phones and computers, it feels like there is less to say on paper. I like paper.
I want to go to my mailbox and find a letter from someone I didn't expect.
I want a vacation. A real one. Where I go somewhere and do nothing for days.
Most of all, I want the four of us together again. That's when I feel the best, when I feel most myself. No, I always feel myself. Maybe I'm just the best version of myself when we're together.

Quickie

We don't update these very often, do we? (I'm looking at you, Scattered Rose Dust...) Rae is still off in sunny california, I think she comes back on wednesday. After seeing Sideways, which I definitely recommend to one and all, I have this strong desire to revisit wine country out there. Except I hate wine, and the smell of wineries made me queasy. I just like the look of the countryside, and the nice weather. I wouldnt mind a never-ending grape supply either, as long as they were edible ones.

Sean has officially left us, moving into UMass today. He informed me a little while ago that his floor was apparently originally a girls' floor and thus has no mens room *heehee* Also, his room is a bit on the small side, and he reports that the campus is dreary in winter, but he'll be ok, I know he will. Incidentally, Mike moved into TJ's room today, effectively replacing Sean, who will be reduced to a "guest-starring role". Now everyone gets to hang out with their roommate! Everyone except oh wait me....but I adore Carla, I must say. That girl cracks me up no end.

On a less joyful note, Carla and her friend Kelly were in here discussing Jared and how he's been handling his father's death today...apparently he and his gf are having some problems, which was easy enough to figure out after I saw her crying twice today. It can't be easy trying to support someone who's just lost a parent (angry reminiscences of aaron), especially when they're trying to deal with it themselves. I must say, although this may sound cold, that I'm rather glad I got the whole thing over with in high school, freshman year even. It happened, perhaps serendipitously, at a time when I was pretty much bound to change anyway, and I had the good fortune to be surrounded by great friends then, as now, but with the added benefit of having sara, someone who actually understood it all. She mentioned a while ago that when she saw "Finding Neverland" she cried at the ending, and then thought of me...the same line, the one that probably hit every moviegoer: "Why did she have to die?" Especially from such a small child, that line just hurts.

Carla was telling Kelly that she thinks one of Jared's problems is that the people around him seem to be expecting that one day soon he will simply "get better", and that that's just not true, he'll always be different. Death does change people, and it changes everyone in a different way, depending on their relationship to who died. From what I've heard, Jared was really close to his dad, and that must hurt in a different way than someone like me, who had a lot of "unresolved issues" with their father. But sometimes when I see him in the hallway, I get the urge to go over to him and tell him that even though there will never be a day when he will wake up and be a-ok, it really will get better with time. I want to tell him that there will be days when it feels like it's been a lifetime, and days when you feel the pain so keenly it's as if he died yesterday, but I also want to tell him that someday, perhaps not far from now, he'll be able to look back on the times he shared with him, tell a story or two, and laugh without it hurting quite so much.

Not everyone relies on humor as heavily as I did in dealing with what happened, but it did help so much. It still helps now. Every time I tell an anecdote about the old days, every time my mom and I make fun of the things he did, every time I remember his jokes and his imitations and all the nights we sat there at the table after dinner was finished just laughing at him and at each other, that's when he's really alive again. Sometimes when I think of him it's hard to stop myself from thinking of how he was near the end; perpetually tired, irritable, sad. When I think of him and am the most happy, it's with thoughts of him laughing, thoughts of me and him and Jen laughing together. I think those are the best families, the ones who can make each other laugh. If I ever have kids, I'll have to remember to teach them how laughter can really make the darkest days lighter. With any luck, that's what they'll remember of me, too, when I'm gone.

You Can Never Go Home Again

...Actually, yeah you can, cause that's where I am right now, surrounded by Carla and Wendy and their drama friends who are all waiting for cast lists to be posted in the basement. Life has resumed here a fairfield, with some notable changes...in addition to mark and sean, pete didn't come back either. i'm going to miss him, and now i have even less of a reason to hang out with the guys down the hall. the only one i really talk to a lot online is steve, and as he's dirk's roommate, well, we'll just see how that plays out.

providence was great. i really hadn't had so much fun with all these people i didn't really know in such a long time, everyone was really nice and friendly, i slept a night with heather and one spooning sara. sweet. how ironic that sean and i were on the same campus yet really didn't see each other. sean said he was "trying not to cramp my style", which is silly, because my friends love him and anyway heather noted approvingly that i've never changed my behavior around them because of a guy...yay, go me! prom party pictures--well, if any of you haven't seen the pictures of me getting a sexy lap dance from sara's friend mike and doing a shot from heather's cleavage, let me know, sara was kind enough to burn us cds of all the pics! it was so hard leaving them, it really was...we might not all be together again until the summer, thanks to our schedules.

watching sex and the city tonight really did remind me of our little group...one of them, the really timid one (i think it's your character, sara!) was hosting a dinner party at her house, hmm, reminiscent of puerto rican food nights and other scrumptious evenings of sin? and they watched gay porn together just to laugh at it, and yes heather, even a gay club outing was featured. now, we have never watched real gay porn together for obvious reasons of the OW factor...but do quality films such as "edge of seventeen" count? i mean, that stuff HAD to be softcore, at least. After some really candid chats with mike this weekend, finally figured out how those two guys on the beach were doing it in missionary. that had confused me till this weekend. hey, the more you know...also, be on the look out for an excellent and humorous sex book called "the Big Bang". Edmund had it, and we had a reading/group discussion, which was also both funny and informative. Ah, the unfettered lives we lead! i love it so. i miss you guys already, and our little rae-child too, who is still off in sunshine land i think. ah, but life goes on.

I thought I would take the opportunity to update this a little, since I'm bored and have little else to do...why, you ask? Did Sean leave me alone for another interminable period while he is working? No, Sean is upstairs and fast asleep. We left his friend Ward's house at 930 this morning, and since Sean is playing chauffeur for me, heather, ward and iannone to providence later today, he thought it might be best to actually get some rest. Surprisingly, I never really felt drunk last night, despite indulging in rum, vodka, tequila, and even one disgusting sip of beer when I was roped into playing a game of flip-cup. And we'd had dinner at the ivy noodle before that, I hadn't thought that chinese cuisine could possibly ever mesh with drinking, but hey, I'm special, and once again I have avoided the evil known as the hangover....whoot!