Today was our senior outing at High Meadow in granby. it was ok, although there wasn't really a whole lot to do besides wander around or sit in the sun. We got our yearbooks, which turned out really well. unfortunately, there's not a single picture of me in the entire thing besides my awful senior photo, not even in the club pages because i was absent on club day. yipee.

i don't really have anything to do tonight, not that i have any energy to do anything with. i sort of have a much smaller social life now that greg is housebound for god knows how long. i might be going to the diner with sara tomorrow night, i don't know....we were there just last night, though. it was after awards night. i won a bunch, the only ones im really happy about are the plaques for english and biology. i did so well in both those subjects. oh and i got fifty dollars for working on voices for four years muahaha. my spanish class is getting to watch selena in spanish. mrs barret lied and told us the juniors were going to have to review grammar for a month. bastards.

there were so many hot guys at high meadow today! scott's inscription in my yearbook encouraged me to pick up tons up hot guys at parties in college. i laughed and had to tell him that i wouldnt be picking up anyone...im picked up and spoken for. it's weird but sometimes i wish i could do it over again with greg in a different way, not because it should have been different, but just for that initial thrill of not knowing the other person, not knowing what's going to happen. instead of meeting at sara's house or at the play, meeting him at a park or a concert, with no one to introduce us, and just having to wing it. i think i like things dangerous. it was the whole manuel thing that corrupted me, of course. what higher adventure can there be for a teenager than meeting a guy in another country who doesnt even speak your language and making out with him in his hotel room? (this is the part where i curse myself once again for being a stupid little sophomore who was so worried the teachers would catch her that she ran away far too soon.) when i think back on him i always smile, and then i shake my head in awe at my own daring. didn't know i had it in me, and i almost didnt....maybe i wouldnt have done it if meredith hadn't been around, rubbing off on me like some dark fairie dust. it was because he said i was beautiful, really...i had never believed anyone who said that before that point, and i didn't believe a lot of people who said it after, until greg. i don't know why i believed it. something in his eyes made me realize he meant it, even though hilary had to tell me what he'd said. i still have his address written on a scrap of paper that's jammed behind a picture frame that, amusingly, holds a picture of me and greg at last year's prom. i think i didn't want to put it in my box for fear it would be lost. it's so small. maybe someday i'll go to sevilla. i never saw it, but it's supposed to be a beautiful city. maybe i'll look him up, even though he'll have grown up and moved away by then. i've had dreams where i walk through madrid and meet him again, though we don't realize it at first.....when i wake sometimes i think how ironic it would be if he was actually my soul mate, and we met at so young an age like ships literally passing in the night. when i woke the next morning he was gone. i never even knew if they won the championship, but for manuel's sake, i hope they did.