Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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i must admit i wasn't sure what they were asking in one of the questions in this survey, how many people have you loved. if they said how many people have you romantically loved, i'd know the answer, but if it's people in general, then that's a lot. there's been a lot of discussion both among friends here and friends home about love. what is it, how you know when you love someone, friend or otherwise. etc. i'm too tired to think about it now, really. i just remember that when i was a freshman, the only person i ever said "i love you" to was my father, and then only in a rushed way, when i called him every afternoon to see if he'd be home in time for dinner-- "ok love ya bye". fourteen year olds don't really go in for expressing love for others, i guess. still, even though losing him made me realize how much i needed my mom and my friends, it's been a recent development that i tell my friends i love them when i hang up or sign offline, probably in the last year or so. we've grown closer even despite our separation. i like that.

my mom's a different matter. a few years ago i had those series of horrible dreams where my father was there, and it was like he had never gone away but he kept saying over and over what a bad father he'd been, and the dreams kept ending before i was able to tell him that it wasn't true. however much i would have liked to believe that this was some sort of sign from hi,, i know it was just my subconscious working things out. i eventually decided that what was being conveyed to me was that i shouldn't make the same mistakes with my mom that i did with my dad, that i should never let her think that i don't love her or that she's not a good mother. i have immense respect for my mom. she came from what anyone would consider an awful childhood--she got abused, her mom didn't really care for her, her dad died when she was little, she was anorexic, etc, yet she grew up and took the profession of caring for other people, when she had been cared for so little herself. she was the one who looked out for her mom when she was dying of cancer, even though to the end my nana considered my mom worthless, and her absent brothers to be the better children (i don't think very highly of this woman i have no memory of).

it always strikes me as hugely unfair that my mom had to lose her husband. it was more unfair to her than it was to me. does that sound like a weird thing to say? it's just like, i'm young, and i'll have plenty of time in my life for happiness and joy, but my mom is grown up, and had gone through so much pain in her life already, and then to lose her best friend, that's just awful. it hurts so much to think about that. i want my mom to be happy, i always do, and i know jen and i bring her happiness but i wish there was something more. she deserved better than what she was dealt. so this is why i have such tremendous respect for my mom. she didn't let herself be destroyed after my father's death. she kept on going, in her own quiet sort of way. she goes to work and takes care of women who are sick and dying, and then comes back to an empty house and her daughters' voices on the telephone. if i could wish for one thing, it would be for my mom to be truly happy somehow. usually my wishes are stupid things like i wish i were thinner or had more money or could get the guys i want, but i would give her anything, if i could.

i'm crying again. i think it's the PMS striking at last.