"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous; Love does not brag, is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered. Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." ~Corinthians 13 (Does this bring anyone back to HILL and the prayer dedications? This passage was always my default when I forgot to pick one. Ah, Mr. T. I miss those days.)
Tonight was my mentor meeting, up in Bellarmine after braving the furious winds. It really is a calming couple of hours, each time we convene to talk about whatever the gods of the IRC have decreed. this week it was just that, God, and our beliefs regarding him/her/it/other. Now, I had this mother nailed, since last week I wrote an 11pg tome on my religious beliefs. Actually he gave us the option of writing about a specific experience and how it shaped us, so I talked about my dad's death and how that impacted me spiritually, because it pretty much affected everything. Anyway, we had a nice dialogue about God and the church, and I was surprised to discover that all the kids in my group had sort of a feeling towards the church as i do, that's it's a good idea until they start trying to codify every aspect of human existence as they believe it relates to a body of writing, which is really only myths anyway.
After this we did St. Ignatius' Examen, which is a prayer/meditation ritual on the events of your day, looking at where you have gone wrong, where you have succeeded, what you have to be thankful for, what challenges you face, or what bad habits you engage in. Most of us were journaling during this time. This is what I wrote:
"Tommy is the challenge and the pain I face every day. It seems that a day rarely goes by that i dont think about him in some context, lost in some train of thought about the past, why things turned out the way they did, trying to explain to myself for the thousandth time what went wrong. Trying to figure out why it still hurts, wondering how long it will hurt. Realizing my own bitterness and cynicism when it comes to love--if "Love never fails" and we failed, does that mean there was never any love there at all? When will I learn to know the difference? Will I ever actually believe myself when I think I'm in love again, or will I second-guess everything? Will I always be waiting for the inevitable end?
I know I can't have love unless I open myself up to at least the possibility of pain. But it still hurts. Will I ever be able to think of him without that twinge of sadness? If I could ask God to lift one thing from my shoulders, it would be this. Funny how after I faced the pain of my dad's loss I thought no other pain could ever sting so strongly. Turns out there are a lot of kinds of pain. I want to be strong, I want to trust myself and be happy. This is the help I ask God for."
I realized that thinking about the past is my bad habit. I become lost in it, trapped by it. My commitment to myself is that whenever I think about mistakes past or painful memories, I will make myself think of three happy things in the here and now. And there are so many--my cats, Sara's 'Cactuar' impression, shiny things, my friends, poetry, my favorite pieces of art, my favorite movies, Johnny Depp, Dirk!
Speaking of Dirk, I have formulated my thoughts on the subject. I know there are some of you who are expecting that I'll forgo my "no boyfriends" policy for him, but no, I won't, not in the near future anyway (I don't know if he even wants to make this serious, but since guys tend to get like that, I'm preparing for all contingencies). Yes I like hooking up with him, like spending time with him, I like him in general, but no, not again. I've had three guys become boyfriends after I started hooking up with them first--that's apparently how things are done these days, who knew--and I've decided while that may be the new natural way to start things off, it's not necessarily the smartest. The way you are when you're alone with someone may be great, you may click completely and connect on a deeper level etc etc, but what really matters is how you relate to one another in the real world. As in, how you deal with each other's friends and separate schedules, lives, hometowns, etc. That's the real test of a relationship, not how cutesy and adorable everything is in private. I've learned that. Therefore, this time, I am taking things slowly. If something is meant to happen between us, there's no need to rush it. If we come back after the break and things are still good, we can see where we'll go from there. Also, thinking more practically, it's dumb to start anything before you separate for a month (he's told me I should come to jersey several times. he better be joking.). I have no interest in hooking up with anyone else over break, but I'm not going to make a commitment, and I don't expect him to. If something happens, I don't particularly want to know about it, and if I did something, I wouldnt feel obliged to inform him either (as Sean pointed out, guys hate knowing that stuff, even if you're just hooking up).
Oh, just so we're clear--the taking it slow thing refers to the emotional aspect, not the physical. If he weren't home sick right now, well, I had already made plans with Carla about saturday, but oh well, looks like neither me nor rae will be getting laid this weekend (although i think rae needs it a bit more than me, two years is a LONG time to wait). Lol I told him about what he's missing out on this afternoon. He now has a powerful motivation to get well soon. He also mentioned that he's lost ten or fifteen pounds since he's been sick--I mean, the kid was 225 or something, but still, jesus. I told him he can go on a steady diet of ice cream and candy when he gets back. Oh, and again like every guy I've ever hooked up with and/or dated, he wants a picture of me (which is technically fair, since I have several of him. Even my mom's seen them lol. She, btw, pronounced him gorgeous, which is interesting because even with greg, who I personally consider the best looking guy I've dated, she only called him 'cute' and 'good-looking'. I think it's because he's all big and muscled--she said that was "impressive". oh, mrs d.) I still hate pictures of me. Can't help it. I like my facebook pic until pete told me i looked like a mouseketeer!!
ok this has been a very long post. Oh well. Thank you for reading, please come again.
1 comment:
Thank you so much, Michelle, for being my friend.
- Sara
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