The Pitti Palace Experience

Not even the idle blather of the surrounding idiots can really affect my peace of mind right now. I have had one of the most invigorating days yet of my stay in Florence! This morning I had to meet my Museology class at the Palazzo Pitti, a huge museum/palace/garden complex on the Oltrarno, aka the other side of the river. My professor is a charming woman, but there was simply no way I was going to be able to listen to anything she was saying about "orientation paneling" and "didactic devices" when I was plunged into that most haphazard arrangement of wonders, the Palatine Gallery (several museums actually occupy the vast Pitti Palace, among them the Palatine or picure gallery, the Modern Art Museum, the Ducal Treasures Museum, the Costume Museum, and the Museum of the Boboli Gardens). This museum has basically been preserved in its original "form", meaning, once it had been vacated by generations of Medici dukes, and then by the Hapsburg Savoys, and turned into a collection, nothing was really ever changed. This means that there is no organization, really, to the galleries, aside from one room full of devotional tondos, or round paintings. Nor are there detailed labels--the semi original lablels ae afffixed to the massive frames, but they offer only artist and title, no date of the work, which was MOST frustrating later when I came across several Titian portraits and was trying to determine, since I spent last semester writing papers on his portraiture for Jesus, which period the pieces were from. I thought one was definitely late period due to the brushwork but there was no way to confirm it. Curses.

Anyway, the galleries are also absolutely stuffed with paintings, basically floor to ceiling, and then the ceilings themselves have intense Baroque ornamentation, along with frescoes depicting how awesome the Medici thought they were, plus statues and the most amazing tables, inlaid with semi precious stone in a process called commesso, to produce the most fabulous designs, as though they'd been painted on. As we learned, commesso differs from mosaic because mosaics are created from hundreds of identical square tessori, or tiles, while commess involves actually cutting the many multi colored stones into the exact shape required to form a hummingbird's beak from yellow amber, for example, or a tiny grape from amethyst.

All this naturally conspired to make me ignore the poor professor, who was there not to show us the art, but to explain the many ways museum function with respect to their clientele, visitor programs, collections, etc. I think she likes me, though, since I always answer her questions in class, and also stayed close enough by to answer random questions she asked us about heraldry and mythology. Plus, from the giant grin on my face as I wandered from one masterpiece to another, I think she could tell that I was simply overjoyed to be there, and that it wasn't out of disrespect that I kept walking away. Unlike, for example, the Three Morons, whom I may have mentioned previously--three really rich stupid asshole guys from Syracuse, who wander off every tour, ignore everyone, and think only of drinking and spending money. How they wound up in this class I don't know. They didn't bother walking to the Palazzo, which is, unbelievably, a completely straight walk from my front door through Florence, across the Ponte Vecchio and up the hill--they arrived in a taxi. Nor did they stay the whole time, abruptly deciding to leave before we had the talk by the museum's educational coordinator. No, these guys weren't lacking in attention out of some kind of reverence to the art, they were more interested in finding more chairs to slump in. The only time I saw any of them show interest in a single work was a really gross martyrdom, where a naked, buxom saint was actually having her nipples wrenched off by two guys with pliers. Number one, OW, number two, wtf is wrong with you if that's the only thing that induces you to be interested in a painting?

But enough of my anger and back to the artwork. This place was absolutely littered with works that I've seen, over and over again in books. Paintings by Artemisia Gentileschi, Caravaggio (including his Sleeping Cupid and Toothpuller, which we looked at in Baroque class this week), Titian, who if anything I grew even more amazed by after seeing one of his Phillip II portraits along with an anonymous one called The Englishman, who was HOT...del Sarto, Bronzino, Rubens, even that famous anonymous portrait of Elizabeth I in that insane outfit was there. There were Botticellis and Raphaels, and even, hidden in the darkness of one of the shrouded rooms of the royal apartments, a portrait by Hyacinthe Rigaud of Louis XV as a kid. Perhaps the most beautiful and affecting work of art I saw was Raphel's Madonna of the Chair. Look it up on Google--even in reproductions it's absolutely charming, but in person, well, I actually started laughing out loud--quietly--because I couldn't believe I was standing in front of it. And it was just so damned amazing. In the great divide of Michelangelo and Raphael, I've always felt drawn more to Michelangelo's character, to his monumentality, to the force and passion of his work, but standing before this painting it was impossible not to adore this Madonna, immediately, as one of the most perfect beings ever depicted. I don't know what it is or how he did it, but she is breathtaking. Oh yes, and Jesus and John the Baptist are in there too, but who cares?

The royal apartments, which were connected to this gallery, also elicited an extraordinary response from me. These were some of the rooms of Italy's first king, Vittorio Emmanuele II, when Florence was briefly the capital of the united Italy for five years. They are preserved, immaculately, with their original furnishings, down to the tapestries on the walls, but this also means that the drapes must be kept closed to prevent all the colors from fading. Although it was chilly and dark when I walked through the apartments, I was much less impressed with the bright, almost tacky-looking postcards of these same rooms available in the gift store. There was a mystery and a grandeur in the gloom of those chambers, especially the throne room, which was entirely done in red, and marvelous to behold. Now, when I came into the throne room in Versailles, I was immediately disappointed. So much had I heard of the wonders of the Sun King that I was expecting much more than a fairly plain chair on a single dais, without even a canopy. This, by contrast, the throne of a king I had never heard of three weeks ago, was just what I thought a throne should be--surmounted by a vast canopy of crimson velvet, with the arms of Italy and Savoy on a crest at the top, the back of the throne itself adorned with a fierce golden eagle, and the whole of it set a few steps up on a red dais. I had the most fanciful desire to bow to that throne, though I restrained myself from doing it because there were other people in the room.

Perhaps it was the absence of harsher museum lighting in those long galleries that made me so susceptible to fantasy and daydream, or maybe it was just the rush of pleasure of being around so many beautiful objects, like my soul itself were drinking in huge draughts of the freshest air. At first all I could imagine was being there a few hundred years ago, in a courtier's array, moving through those careful orbits of ritual and courtesy; then on my way out, passing again through the muted grandeur of the throne room, I imagined that I was no mere courtier, but the absolute ruler of those magnificent chambers and everything that lay beyond. Italy has never known a queen in her own right, and I don't even think I was thinking about the office in terms of gender, just that I was the monarch, that all this was mine, forever. It was a giddy and wonderful daydream, and I left the royal apartments half-hoping the visitors outside would, upon seeing me, sink into the kind of elaborate court bow I've only read about, but alas, I had no such luck, and remained only a modern woman.

This was not, however, the end of the wonders that the Pitti Palace had to offer. The scheduled tour over, we were free to leave if we wished, but since I have the wonderful Uffizi card that means I don't have to pay for entrance to state museums, I decided to check out the others. The Argenti Museum, or the Ducal Treasures, were very satisfying, as I had just had about as many paintings as I could take (and I just realized that neglected to mention the sculpture corridor! They had a gallery of ancient sculpture, including several of Marcus Aurelius and Antoninus Pius, a rather unattractive, massive Augustus, and one glowering bust that I immediately recognized from Roman Art as my darling Caracalla, who ordered a damnatio memorae on his own brother, Geta, and massacred a thousand of his supporters. I still absolutely love his statues, all of which are intended to be gruff and menacing). The one room which overjoyed me the most was the Room of Jewels--now, sadly, there were no rubies the size of chicken's eggs to be had, nor a casket overflowing with diamonds and emeralds, but it did feature huge cases of marvelously whimsical concoctions from gemstones--miniature bouquets, each flower's petals formed by tiny pieces of different colored gems; animals and figurines out of gold, silver and jewels, many of which's bodies were formed by large pieces of mother-of-pearl, in addition to exquisite miniature cups, vases, inlaid jewel boxes, etc etc. All the lovely things I would so love to have!

You think that my adventure, and this scandalously long post, is over, but no no no, my friend, not so. After the Museo Argenti, I explored the massive garden complex behind the palace, the famous Boboli gardens. Now, when you look at a map of Florence, and you see the sprawling green section that appears so invitingly behind the palace, don't be fooled into thinking that that large expanse of territory is in any way flat; rather, expect to ascend many weird terrace-style sorts of ramp/stairs that include at about 35-40 degrees. However, you may expect to be duly rewarded for your efforts by the glory of the natural splendor around you. Well ,I shouldn't really say natural since it's all man-made; there are several ponds with large statues in them, as well as three terraces levels with their own paths, plus yet another museum at the far end, the Porcelain Museum, housed at the top of a tower-like edifice that affords some of the most amazing 360 degree views and Florence and its countryside that I've yet seen. This is one of the highest points around; the Campanile of the Duomo might be higher, but it doesn't provide the view into the land on the other side of the Arno the way this place did. I was also blessed by today's being an exquisite day of weather after yesterday's rain. Droplets did begin to fall while I was up on this tower thing, and I was less than excited about walking all the way home--which I could pretty much see the direction of, from where I stood, in the rain. However, God smile on me and brought out the sun again. Flowers were blooming too, daisies, pink and purple flowers. Ducks were swimming around a statue of Neptune in a pond; in another little clearing stood a colossal head, fragmented--not the famous one of Constantine, and there was no label, but spectacular, nonetheless.

Finally, I found my way out via this a strange little side path, which led into some back roads of the houses which are so incredibly fortunate as to border on this garden. I had no real idea of how high up I had gone until it took me 15 minutes of walking down a sharply inclined road to ead anything approaching level ground, by which time my knees were not appreciating me. However, I must say that I absolutely, whole-heartedly consider this one of the best days I've spent in Florence so far...and now I must get some food before I die, because my fuel for the entire morning was a bag of M&Ms because museum food is so expensive, and then a little pizzette, which is a fashionably Italian snack but let's be honest, they're not that good tasting. Mangiamo!

Michelle's Good Luck Suspiciously Continues...

So I almost died today, while making lunch in the apartment. ...ok, maybe I didn't almost die, but I probably would have been quite injured, since the red pashmina scarf I was wearing, which I bought from a wonderful street vendor in Rome, went up in flames from the gas range. The front burner is rather whack, ie, tends toward uncontrallable bouts of fire, but as the largest burner it's best for pasta, so I was trying to boil pasta there while making my sauce in a pan on another burner. Apparently I leaned in to far, because hey, something smelled like burning...and then I looked down and I was ON FIRE. I believe there was screaming, and then Anna directed me to the sink, where we doused the fire, albeit not in time to save the scarf. Requiescat in pacem.

In other news, Monday night we all went to see Pride and Prejudice at the English theater, along with Sara, her amusing friends, and about 100 other females, plus the odd unlucky male. I definitely didn't expect the movie to be as entertaining as it was, but I absolutely loved it! Carla said that it was one of the best movies she'd seen lately and I quite agree. It was funny, and had a lot more fun with sly jokes than the six hour series could manage. Mr Darcy was smoking, and even Keira Knightley I didn't hate quite as much as usual. There's something extremely enjoyable about watching such a film with your close friends and having the entire audience oooh and ahhh at the same favorite parts. Except for the end, where they apparently cut the kissing scene. So yes, I felt cheated that after a two hour romantic comedy it ends with a kiss ON THE HAND. Come on. Europeans love sex! What's the deal?

Tuesday was of course Valentine's Day, except it didn't really feel much like it here. There are very few stores that put up any merchandise, Europeans apparently being above such a holiday, plus it was very warm and sunny, unlike the cold drudgery I tend to associate with the holiday. And, of course, there was the added detractor of being about 3,000 miles away from my valentine. But guess who still got roses, on another continent, from the best boyfriend ever? Yes, you are correct, me!!!

Ravenna and the Weekend

Saturday morning we arose early to walk to Campo Di Marte, a little train station on the other side of town. From there we took a train to Bologna and thence to Ravenna, our destination. Meredith paid for both the train tickets and a delicious lunch from her grant money, which was sweet! We did encounter a snafu on our first train, which apparently required a reservation in order to obtain an actual seat in the compartments, in addition to the regular tickets. We found this out after being ejected from our first seats by the German ticket holders who had gotten reservations. However, we made the rest of the trip without any problems.

Ravenna itself is a very small town with literally six attractions, five of which you gain access to with a combined ticket for six euro. That's a hell of a bargain, especially because of the quality of the places we visited. We saw several basilicas with absolutely incredible mosaic decorations dating from the Byzantine/Romanesque era. The thing about mosaics is that unlike paint, they never lose their luster, so we were seeing the colors in all their original splendor. Mosaics also include a lot of gold, which makes it all the more awe-inspiring. Mosaics also decorated a Byzantine tomb, Gallia Placida.

Best Emails

Can I just say, that I opened my email account this morning to find two really awesome emails that made me smile--one drunken email from Sean of undescribable sweetness, and one long-awaited communique from Rae, headed thus:

To:Ms. Heather Alyssa Flanagan, Ms. Sara Marijuana Lugo, and Ms. MichelleMari DiMarzo,
My Most Esteemed ComradesCurrently Abroad in France and Italy,
RespectivelyWhile I Continue to Suffer the Misdoings of Our Government


and ended thus:

Dr. Rachel Mari Buglione-Corbett, MD PhD Esq.,
In Chemistry Lab,
Probably on the Floor,
Under the Table,
Eating Chocolate.

heehee.

Explorations

This morning I got up and went to the Museum of the Opificio del Pietre Dure, or the museum for this workshop of precious and semi precious stones that was established in the time of the Medicis. It was incredible workmanship, and yes there were many shinies. However, since this is not an uber popular place the placards were all in Italian. I muddled through as best I could...I now know, for example, that "porfiro" is the Italian for porphryr, or however you spell it. I spent only a short time there, and then I went to the Museum of San Marco, where I get in free because I have this handy dandy membership card they gave us for state museums. I wasn't really even thinking when I went in there what exactly was IN san Marco...so I get inside, where once again, there are no English explanations of anything, and I start realizing there's a lot of stuff by Fra Angelico. Ah, very nice, lovely, lovely. Including one piece, Sacred Conversation, we just looked at in our Renaissance Art of the Courts. But I'm still somehow not putting two and two together from my Art History survey classes, not even after I see on the map "Fra Angelico's Cells Upstairs". I think ooh, those frescoed cells! Awesome! But I still don't even realize, until I reach the top of a flight of stairs, exactly what the important artwork it that resides in San Marco--Fra Angelico's Annunciation, one of the most famous of all the works by that name, adorns the wall directly opposite the stairwell. My jaw, quite literally, dropped, partly from seeing this iconic painting and partly from my own stupidity at not remembering the connection.

The frescoes themselves were great, and the cells weren't small and dank--they had pretty windows onto the courtyard and ample space. However, they were freezing even with the benefit of space heaters. There were no fireplaces in the rooms. These poor monks were probably too busy freezing their balls off half the time to care about sinning. Interestingly, not all the frescoes were unique...there were two images that he repeated, identically, over and over. They were both Crucifixion scenes, very gory ones, with blood spurting dramatically all over the place. One had a black background, one had a white background and was differently shaped. I counted 5 of the black ones and no less than 7 of the whites. It interested me to think how they divvied up the room selection--I mean, did you have to have a certain level of seniority to get a cell with a nice fresco like Noli Me Tangere? Did the newbies get stuck with the Crucifixions? Or was there some sort of merit system, like if they catch you eyeing the nuns you get a bloody Christ...maybe if they catch you eyeing the choir boys you got a Virgin Enthroned in Heaven, or something. All very interesting. I bought a print of the Annunciation, and then I went back to this shop I was in yesterday and bought a seal in the shape of a D, and some wax, so I can make seals on my letters. Heehee. I feel deliciously medieval.

Random Musings

I realized, while watching Meredith pen the great american novel last night, that I really need to include more information in my blog. Because, you know, this is going to be my basic memory of the entire trip, having, as I do, a terrible memory of my own. I got up early today to do some homework and check out a vintage shop meredith had mentioned to me near the school. It wasnt so much vintage as your basic secondhand, BUT I found a gorgeous rabbit fur coat for 70 euro. Thats $85 for you gringos. Luckily or unluckily, I had decided not to take my money belt with me today, so I had no credit card and not enough cash. Im going to ask Meredith to go back with me after our Baroque class to see if I actually want to buy it or not. My worry is getting it back to the States, together with my cream colored coat. Thats a lot of coat to fit in my suitcases. I stopped in at a Mailboxes Etc, we have not one but two of them on our street alone, and found out that to ship merely 1 kg to th east coast it costs 35 euro. 10 kilos costs 100 euro. Jesus! Oh yes and my other worry is being stoned by my anti fur mother. See, but the rabbits are already long dead, and its so pretty, and I wants it, I wants it!

So, random things about the city in which I live....Im having the hardest time trying to find something to get drunk on. I dislike wine immensely, beer is out of the question, and Ive asked several liquor dispensing individuals about the possibility of an Amaretto sour with no sucess. Sara reported having had one but that it was terrible. Now, if I can just find out where one purchases sour mix, being unable to find it at the tiny supermarket where we shop, I can pick up the lovely economy size bottle of Disarrono and have myself a wonderful time. As it stands, this Friday we intend to purchase either the $4 vodka or $6 rum and get drunk in our apartment before we go out.

Everyone and their mother here wears boots. I don't know how they manage it with the insane cobblestones that are far too easy to trip over. In Rome, I actually saw a woman at the Colosseum--which had some of the worst cobblestones, plus slanting, uneven stairs inside--in stilettos. The insanity! So basically you're easily pegged as a foreigner or just a poor dresser for not wearing your jeans tucked into some kind of boot. Ah well. I have been spoken to in Italian several times, so maybe I just look like some kind of Italian country mouse to them. Oh and I helped an Asian lady find the Duomo yesterday! Except I think I sent her the wrong way, and I lost my wonderful Rae-given Berlitz map shortly thereafter. So it wasn't really a good thing.

I must admit that I'm suffering from the lack of reading material. I was very excited by the idea of the Paperback Exchange, but sadly it was not at all as whimsical and cheap as I had hoped. It was depressingly upscale and used English novels were priced about 6 euro. There was a bargain section, but the selection was so meager I almost considered buying "Middlemarch" because it was fifty cents. Except then I realized it would probably make me want to kill myself. I've finished reading Lamb twice, and read Carla's pride and prejudice, but I need more books. Stay tuned for news of Michelle's Booksearch.

I started classes yesterday. Italian looks like its going to be fun, if I could just stop calling it Spanish class. Museology looks to be hard but interesting; we go to six museums during class hours, and have to visit another six on our own and write reports on them. I didn't really know what museology entailed, but I started reading the textbook today and spent half an hour learning about market research and viability assessments. It's eerily utilitarian, something I never expected from any art history class.

Meredith and I have Baroque in about an hour, but I think I need a panini to hold me over until then. Yes, I have consented to like these meatless sandwiches--and I like the ones at the bar across from the school best because they're 1.80.

Note

Also, I bought Italian sneakers because my darling pink ones are dead. These ones are basically the colors of the german flag--red in front, black in the back, and yellow in the center. I feel so European.

We're going to Venice for Carnival on the 18th!!!

Back in Firenze

Home, sweet home, or at least close to it. It's wonderful to be off that damned tour, since most of the kids we were with were more interested in getting shitfaced every night and stumbling around hung over the next day than with actually enjoying what we were seeing. After a large group of these moronic girls stayed out till 630 am our last night in Rome, wake up call being 7am, they were all complaining when we stopped in the gorgeous hilltop town of Assisi for a tour of St Francis' birthplace on the way back to Florence. We're off the bus for five minutes and one of them is whining, "ugh, i've already seen enough of this place. let's go". Five of the guys didn't even bother with a tour, they just slunk off to a bar and came racing to catch the bus when we left. It annoys me, so much, that they're wasting this opportunity, when so many people who would have a far greater level of appreciation can't be here. Anyway, we don't have to associate with them anymore. Thank god.

I don't have any classes today, so it's mostly errands. It got colder...apparently we were just being treated nice the first week! Oh well. Ps, my webshots page is up, I put the link up top. If it doesnt work, just search webshots home for my username, which is infinitchaos.

Roma

So here we are in Rome on the orientation tour. I'll be honest--I already miss Florence. Florence is an adorable mini city, everything is reachable on foot, everything is clean and mostly quiet besides the hum of Vespas; Rome is a real city, complete with filth, homeless people, noise, scary people, etc etc. Florence already feels like home compared to this. However, Rome does have amazing sights, many of which we saw today--MANY, I say, because we walked all over the freaking city. And this is not a walking city entirely. We walked from the Vatican to Castel St. Angelo, across the river, took a bus to the Coliseum, and then walked back to our hotel which was not exactly nearby. Its been a long day and I have earned the booze I hope to shortly be imbibing. The Vatican was maginificent, although we didnt get a full chance to see its treasures; it was mostly St Peters and the Sistene Chapel. Ive taken a ton of great photos, so exciting, plus surreptitious video inside the Sistene Chapel. Carla has been taking short, humorous videos of all of us at various points of interest, which we will soon compile into a wondrous cd of hilarity and friendship.

First Post From Florence

Where to begin, where to begin...well, the apartment that I share with Meredith, Carla and Anna is utterly gorgeous. I was expecting somewhat of a slum or at least cramped accomodations, but we have more space than we know what to do with! This place, 33 Via San Gallo, was built mid 17th century by a Florentine musician. It was passed around from hand to hand before being purchased, 100 years ago, by my landlords great grandmother. In short, I live in a former Renaissance palazzo! Our ceilings are like 20 feet high, we have a closet complex thats like the size of my room at home, antique furniture, a washing machine in the kitchen, and a window that opens onto an interior courtyard. At night, delicious smells of cooking from someone elses apartment float up.

The past two days have been orientation, as well as exploration. Unlike many of our fellow compatriots, we've been doing our best to explore the city, which is small and quite safe. The men are just as appreciative as the stories claim, though I haven't been physically molested yet haha. More like they whistle and say things to us in the street, or in one slightly pathetic case, run up to us from inside a store window waving madly. We haven't gone out and partied yet--it's incredibly exhausting after we walk for hours and hours, especially to come home to a building that requires about 60 feet of staircases to get to the second floor! Old, vastly elegant stone staircases, with marble statues in the walls, but it's still a goddamned hike to get up there. Sara lives about a 20 minute walk from us. It's so surreal to be with her in the same city! The food is ok, we haven't really gone out to a fancy restaurant yet, though, just little bars and cafes for food. Pasta is not available here as snack food, which is disappointing, though I did get some nice penne at the Mercado Central, the giant fresh food market, yesterday. Tonight we're making dinner at our apartment for the first time, just spaghetti and risotto, plus we bought a dessert wine to go with it--this will be my official first wine. God knows if I'll like it or not, but I intend to try. Last night was our welcome dinner at Palazzo Borghese: this is a picture of where we ate . http://www.dimorestoriche.com/immagini/dimore/539_01.gif Now, it would have been a lot nicer had we actually sat down, since we'd been walking all day, but they had us do it buffet style at these little standing tables, which was kinda weird.

I really can't say enough about Florence. The city itself is gorgeous, everywhere you look the most exotic sights are attracting your eye. The architecture, the art, the landscapes, even the people are fascinating. It's rather embarassing that I can't communicate with them, so I look forward to my Italian class.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Rome, Orvieto and Assisi, where I can finally be a tourist and take a million pictures! I haven't been bringing my camera anywhere because I don't want to be looked at as a tourist lol. They advised us that if you frequent the same bars and cafes a lot, eventually they will warm up to you and start talking. PS, bars here serve soda, snacks, and pizza as well as alcohol. Coke is dispensed from a tap next to Heineken. All the bottles are slimmer because the fridges are smaller. The people all smoke, and there are no fat people--none. There is a bidet in our bathroom which no one will use. Our shower is the equivalent of a gentle rain, and the heat is only permitted to be on 10 hrs of the day, by national law. The insanity! I love it. I love every minute of it.

Tonight we went up to Fiesole, a little hill town above Florence, to watch the sunset. It cost a whole 2 euro and it was perfect. Most of the kids on this trip have been preoccupied with seeing how many bars they can hit in one night and how many bottles of wine they can swill down---at the 2nd day of orientation people were already hung over. I don't need the alcohol nor do I need the clubbing, but there was something in the air up in Fiesole, something incredibly tranquil, exactly what I was hoping to find.

Sonnet for Sean

The Road to Florence

I read the maps, the guide books until my
head fairly swims with the unfamiliar:
the names of streets, plazas, the proper way
to greet a man or a woman, tips for
hiding the fact that I’m just an ugly
American at heart. Hard enough to
absorb it all, more so since I can see,
so neatly drawn out, the distance that you
will be from where I am—even the stars
will differ in our two hemispheres.
And yet, there is a piece of what is ours
that in me scoffs at such immature fears,
that, knowing what challenges lie ahead,
rises to meet them, arms calmly outspread.

The problem with having other people read your sonnets is that if they're not trained to recognize what makes a sonnet a good sonnet, it just looks to them like fourteen lines that rhyme here and there. It's not all about the iamb, people--give the spondee and the trochee their due! Ah, English jokes....speaking of English, yesterday when Sean and I visited Northwest, I introduced him to Mrs. Juda, our beloved fierce little AP English teacher, and was shocked when she started telling him what a wonderful girlfriend he had. Such a display of sentiment from her is rather surprising as she's generally a very sarcastic and blunt lady. Fitz, true to form, merely pointed out "whip marks" on Sean's back and asked if I'd fitted him for a collar yet. Unfortunately, I neglected to ask him if that "Dating for Dummies" book we gave him junior year has paid off yet.

The best of all was seeing Mr. Tressler. Sean kindly refrained from telling him, as he previously threatened, that he looked just like the tiger that is his namesake...I don't think he needs to know that Heather transformed a stuffed animal into a likeness by sewing on a mustache. I discovered that the HILL class is going to France this year--bitches! I hate them all! Last year they went to England, the year before that to Italy, and where did we go? THE SOUTHWEST!! Bah. The sting of that loss has not been forgotten, I tell you. Ok, our trip didn't suck as much as the class before us--the 9/11 bunch--they had to go to Canada. But you know I think both trips probably wound up being the same temperature. Now, the HILL class going to France means two things--number one, that when they hit Paris, a certain H. Flan had better be ready to swoop down and attack with witty comments and scathing criticism of Mr Tressler's organizational deficiencies, and perhaps the tale of Tumbly just for good measure. Number two, it means that I am now, more than ever, committed to making it to Portugal! Just for spite! Sara and I will go and dance upon the soil and shout curses in the language, which we do not know, and perhaps hunt down that boat made entirely of wine corks, which was really the only part of our itinerary which we had even discussed before George Bush ruined my life by invading someplace. Rae suggested we make a point of the four of us journeying to Portugal one day, and I agree, I also feel we should return triumphantly to the Southwest, no earlier in the season than May, or perhaps June to be safe. Oh well--watch it snow on us anyway, just for the hell of it.

Time to Say Goodbye

After Sean had left last night to return to Fairfield, I was really confronted with the immediacy of my departure. Now I'm feeling more sad, and more nervous--not about the change, or the culture shock, I don't think I'll have a problem with that--about leaving my loved ones behind. As independent as I pride myself on being, I think I will in fact have a hard time learning to adjust to a Sean-less life. In one year, the longest time we've gone without seeing each other is two weeks. We'll have to wait three times that to see each other in March, and then even longer till I come home. As I said to him last night, if I were still dating some of the guys he so charmingly dubbed the "MacDonald's hamburgers" (to his top sirloin), I'd definitely have many more reservations about such a separation. Everything will turn out ok, I know, but I think homesickness is going to be more of a problem for me than originally anticipated.

Tapping My Fingers...

I noticed today how many more people are on my AOL screen name's buddy list than my AIM one. Then I remembered how I've steadily pruned people off my AIM list, not just people I rarely talk to, but also people whose sole purpose on the list was to be AIM-stalked, plus some people I do kinda talk to but don't want to anymore, and then a couple of people who I just want to forget exist--muahaha. The result is that I've got about 20 people on my AIM list, which is small but just fine. Why bother with people I don't care about?

Last night, with nothing else to do, I spent three-and-a-half hours watching Seven Samurai, which is supposed to be Kurosawa's masterpiece. It was really good, better than the Magnificent Seven, though I like that movie too. I should email Dr. Brill and tell her how much I enjoyed it; she had us watch "Ran" for tragedy class, and it was incredibly intense. She also recommended Rashomon as another of his best films, so I got that from the library too. I have to say, Japanese is not the prettiest language, especially as samurai-actors tend to yell their lines a LOT for no apparent reason. I laughed out loud when one character in Seven Samurai actually asked another "why do you yell so much?".

Four more days of work. I can make that. Wednesday our CEO, Jeff Fluhr, is visiting, so they're paying us overtime to attend a dinner in his honor. I'll just pretend it's a send-off bash for me. They shorted me on my paycheck this week, paying me for 1 week instead of 3, so my director was nice enough to have the accounting people Fedex me another check that came this morning; I now have $1300 sitting at my right hand and mmmmm does it feel good! Today while my mom and I were shopping I saw a white rabbit-fur throw for $125, the softest thing you have ever felt, and I was so incredibly tempted. Well, not really tempted, because that is a ludicrous purchase and my mom would rather put me in a neck hold than let me buy fur, her enemy, but oh god, it would have felt so damned good! Why must such a delicious pleasure require the sacrifice of several dozen small mammals? Why can't they ever make a fake fur that doesn't feel fake? Bah. I wish I were rich and conscience-less, then I could buy fur, fur, fur and never care where it came from...

Anniversary

Where to begin the story of the fabulosity that was our anniversary weekend? Well, Friday night I took the train down to the Havens to play poker with Sean's friends, which is always a fun time. About ten people wound up playing, the only women being me, Richardson's mom "Happy" Richardson, and Little Richardson's rather pissy girlfriend who didn't say anything the whole game. Naturally, Sean and I both lost, and I still don't even know who won, because when we left around 1am there were still three people playing. It was a long game.

Saturday we came back up North, and yes there is a division because the Havens have no snow and we have plenty, to go the the bed and breakfast. It's called the Mansion Inn, it's in Manchester, and I absolutely recommend it to anyone and everyone! To begin with, it's an absolutely gorgeous place. Today we ate breakfast in the formal dining room, just six people but spread out on this massive table, and I felt like I was eating at Norland Park. Yeah, that's a little Jane Austen reference for you literati, you love it, I know. The innkeeper, Marianne, is an interesting woman, full of quirky comments, a former librarian and also justice of the peace who has married couples at the inn---cuteness! Our room was the "Lilac Suite", so named because the wallpaper was dark blue dripping with lilacs. It was amazing. The preciousness cannot be described. I didn't bring a camera unfortunately and then I was going to buy a disposable but then I decided, no, for once I will not rely on pictures to capture a moment, I will force myself to remember it on my own! Ok, so this room had a massive bed in one corner, with five gazillion layers because Victorians didn't like fluffy things, just lots of thin things. It had a fireplace. It had a sofa. It had a wood-lined study with the little roll-top desk thing, and old-fashion closet space, and a gorgeous art-deco peach-colored bathroom. It had a portrait of the girl who used to live in it, there was fresco by Marianne on the bathroom wall, there were two giant bookcases and--love this--a little sign that told you to take any book you wanted home with you (I took "Day of the Jackal", Sean took "The Fat Boy's Book"--long story). And, best of all, there was a diary--the diary of the Lilac Suite itself, with entries from all the people who have stayed there. It was so awesome to read people who had spent their wedding nights --one couple wrote that they had been married by Marianne--or their anniversaries in the same room. This morning, as I sat in the adorable little study, I wrote that I really hoped that the inn would become our anniversary tradition. It was so incredibly special--not the least because, you know, it was my anniversary of one year of being with sean, which is just INSANITY because it feels like we've been together for so much longer!

Oh, but the inn's fabulosity is not over. This morning we had breakfast with the two other couples who had been staying at the inn, both older couples, with such diammetrically opposed lives. One couple, Bill and Shelley Browne, were from Brandon VT, a town of 4,000, where Bill was the town pharmacist. The others, Richard and Thelma Boudreau, were from Baton Rouge. Richard, as it happens, is a foreign correspondent for the L.A. Times, and tomorrow he's leaving for Iraq for six weeks--he was already there last March. His wife travels the world working with developing nations on improving their water supplies--she mentioned Cambodia and West Africa as two places she's been. So it was very interesting, I really enjoyed the company if not the food, which was cinnamon french toast, blegh. I won't provide any graphic details about our private celebrations, but there was a fireplace with a couch in front of it, and that was awesome, enough said. Best anniversary ever, to go with the best boyfriend ever.

Muaha

So here I am, blogging sneakily from the Stub...muahaha. Luckily I do emails so quickly that I can basically chill out my last hour and I've still done more than anyone else. Thank you AIM for training my fingers to superhuman quickness.

I'm excited for the weekend, which is....drumroll.....my one year anniversary with Sean!!!! The only other guy I've had an anniversary with was Greg, and it was the day after we got back from the Southwest and I was so beat--we wound up going out for Chinese. Nice Chinese, my favorite chinese, but nothing spectacular. This time around--oh boy---we're doing it the old-fashioned way, a bed and breakfast in Manchester. So excited...fireplaces and antique books and all!

The time of departures has begun; Jen went back to Brooklyn and Rae to Wellesley, and I won't see either till May (guess which one saddens me more). On Monday Sara leaves, then Heather on Tuesday. People here at the office were talking about making plans for Friday the 13th and I was initially like ooooh but then ohhhhhhh, if that makes any sense...although the next day we will be making the trek to Norwood for Sean to meet the extended fam.

Only two weeks left at Stubhub. Yes. It's so hard to encompass the idea of actually leaving, and I haven't had the anticipated panic attack yet over leaving my mom behind alone....but neither have I attempted to teach her the internet, so we'll see how that goes.

Almost New Year's

Has it really only been a year? 365 days ago, I remember feeling so sad over Sean's departure from Fairfield, and all crazy-conflicted over what exactly my feelings were towards him. Could everything else that has happened since then really have happened? Relativity always seems to be in effect in relationships, so that small durations of time are expanded (see my upcoming four-month stint in Florence) while longer durations are compressed, with the result that, as it so often does, it alternately feels like forever and yesterday that Sean and I started dating. Strangely, this doesn't seem to apply to friends, really. I never get the feeling that it was "only yesterday" that Sara and I became friends, or when Carla and I got to know each other. I guess once you're close friends with someone, it just feels like they've always been there for you.

Last night was, although brief, one of those magical evenings that leave me convinced that someday, when we're all divorced or widowed or otherwise unentangled, the four of us are going to be the next generation of Golden Girls. Now, I'd probably wind up being Dorothy because she's the most sarcastic one; Heather would be Blanche, for obvious reasons; Sara would have to be Rose because I just can't see Rae being Rose, plus she's the perfect size to be Sofia. I'm not sure if we'd live in Florida, though Heather would undoubtedly love the fanny-pack-adorned crowds and have fun mullet-hunting. Maybe a nice brownstone outside of the city? Or maybe, if we all make boatloads of money, we can buy that castle house in West Hartford, and have our suites and our maids with our common areas in the turret rooms. Oh, dreams..... It'll probably never happen--I mean, god willing, our spouses will not all die on us or divorce us--but it's comforting, somehow, to think of us older and grayer but still together.

Since this will be my last post before the New Year, I suppose I should think of some sort of resolution, but of course I never really make resolutions and keep them, not impossible ones like "do not fight when jen", anyway. This is my resolution: to never lose the people who matter the most to me, no matter what kind of distance or differences of lifestyle separate us. That would be the greatest blessing I think I could ever give myself.

Winter

The semester's over, and here I am back in Windsor until the 29th of January. While it was an utter relief to leave that pigsty that Carla and I were forced to call home, it was still bittersweet to be leaving Fairfield and Sean behind. Alas. I'm back at Stubhub, and I'll be working 40 hour weeks again until I leave at the end of January. I was gratified to see how excited everyone one was to have me back, surprised at how easily I slipped into the old routine, and dismayed by how incredibly stressful the last two days have been. It's the week before Christmas and it seemed that every caller had made it his or her personal mission to be as rude as possible to me. It's not my fault that you didn't realize that tickets you just bought for a game in May won't arrive in time for Christmas, nor is it my fault that Fedex lost the gift for your husband/daughter/mother. The real kicker was the possibly retarded man with a severe speech impediment who was yelling at me for "not treating him like a human being" and, later, "not treating him like a VIP" because I informed him that he could not post tickets for a game that happens in two days. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men...right.

The good thing about so much work is that it will keep me occupied after the 10th, by which time Rae will have gone back to school and Sara and Heather will have already left to go abroad. After the 16th, the Fairfield kids go back to school. It's a depressing thought that I'll be alone with no one to hang out with after work, but then I suppose it's lucky that work leaves me so exhausted that I barely feel like hanging out. Tonight Sara and I were supposed to kibbutz over our Italy plans, make lists and our maps, but I was just too wiped to drive anywhere. My plans for the evening include taking apart my mom's latest crazy purchase, the Wovel---a gigantic shovel mounted on a wheel, which I was bribed into assembling last night--so she can take it back to the store, and watching SVU. Fascinating, I know.

I realized in moving out just how much CRAP I have. Where did I get all this stuff? Why do I keep it? I have no idea. I looked around my room last night and saw cat ears, a sword, not one but two crowns, a wand, a cone, a starfish, more stuffed animals than I know what to do with...and yet I can barely bring myself to part with any of it. Well, the stuffed animals will shortly be pared down. People need to stop giving me stuffed animals, I need to stop winning stuffed animals, because they serve no purpose, barely even a decorative function. Some, of course, are special--Racoony, Mr T the Tiger, Mr Bojangles, etc. But the raccoon I won myself at the Shad Derby? Nah. He may have sat on my desk all summer at Stubhub, but I think his time for donation has come.

Symphony Adventures

This was, in a way, my birthday weekend, since the symphony tickets were my present from Sean. It was a wonderful night, with a charming dinner at yet another Italian restaurant where I attempted to decode the lengthy list of ingredients to determine which dishes I might actually like (apparently I'm not big on "fancy" cuisine"), and the pleasure of being all dressed up for the symphony itself. It was performed in Woolsey Hall, which is part of Yale's campus, and which is just stunning inside. The music was excellent, though it began with kind of boring Salieri music, then slightly less boring Mozart, but finished strongly with Beethoven, albeit his lesser-acclaimed Fourth Symphony. Sean and I agreed that we dislike that teasing thing that classical music does--doing all this crazy leadup as if to a huge finale but than dancing away to these little delicate little melodies, and then doing it over and over again, before finally getting to the thunderous conclusion. It's like foreplay--it's good, but too much is just really really frustrating.

Last night was just one of those amazing nights when we lay awake in bed in the dark just talking for hours, about anything and everything, and feeling so incredibly close and loved that it was just the absolute best feeling I've ever had. Waking up this morning was, as expectedly, slightly less grand, since I am infamous for my not-morning-person-ness. Sean was disturbed by my fiendish aversion to the sunlight--ie, insisting on hiding under the covers even though the shades were closed. He also decided I'm inhuman in that I always sniff unfamiliar food before I'll try it, and if it doesn't smell right to me, I won't. He says this is catlike and weird, but I think it's a perfectly decent way to determine which foods I will like and which I will hate. Even if I do taste the foods that smell weird--like many, many instances of my mom's kitchen creations--I never like them. My nose does not fail me!

Today was a busy day--we helped Linda a little bit with the basement work, picking up the carpets and getting a bookcase. Sean and I built it together, which was much easier than I anticipated, and it's so pretty! All dark wood. We got all his books into it, and cleaned his room and partially Hubbard's porch, which made her so happy. Poor Linda, she works full time, is working on this basement thing, and has to deal with Hubbard's comments and her sister's demands--she really needs a break. I felt so bad for her. I need to come up with some sort of good gift for her, since I already have Hub's--who apparently mentioned to Sean something about a sweater for me, eek.

I never stop wondering at what I've done to be so incredibly blessed.

Self-Aggrandizing Recollections

Well, despite the cold it's been an interesting few days, and I feel like recording recent events. Last night was english major career night, which itself was not too interesting; however, after I asked Dr. O'Driscoll, my weirdo world lit professor who I was quite certain did not like me, if I could go, she said "well, you're going to grad school of course, right?". I replied in some combination of er, um, not really, too expensive, to which she then responded by telling me I need to go into a phD program which will pay all my expenses. Again I hedged a bit because, after all, how many jobs are out there for English professors? This is the part where Sally looked me with this strange eagle-eye stare of which only she is capable and said, in her equally odd french-english-irish accent "i only tell this to one or two students per year. think about it." and then proceeded to continue staring at me as I backed away. It was the strangest thing, almost like being caught in the gaze of a hynoptic snake, except I guess you really have to see Sally in action in order to appreciate this comparison. Anyway, not that she suddenly won me over to English grad school, but it was nice to hear, especially from a professor who I felt was stubbornly refusing to love me in the way all professors must *grins*

Speaking of, I had a chat with my Philosophy professor, Dr. Brill, the other day--she's so nice, and quite the excellent dresser as well (Sara, I feel like you would totally appreciate the way she dresses, she even has a similar figure) and anyway, Dr. Regan had apparently talked to her about how he had me in Comedy and now she has me in Tragedy, and he told her I was interested in a Fulbright, so she offered to be my second advisor in the process after Jesus, which was really nice of her. Incidentally, she went to Frieburg or however you spell that, the same place TJ's going, and she really loved it.

Dr. Bridgford, meanwhile, who is such a constant source of praise for her students (Kay and I had a long chat today about how much of a picker-upper just talking to Dr. Bridgford for like five minutes can be, she makes you so certain that you'll be a complete success in life) told me on Monday that she and Jesus were at some dinner together last week and that they were apparently excited to discover that they both have me in class--and even better, he told her that he looks forward to reading my papers because they're so well-written. Manna from the heavens--and it sucks so badly that I'll probably never have a class with him again, unless he offers Arts of Spain.

Finally, this morning's meeting with Dr. Sapp offered one really amazing and, unlike the above, practical piece of good news, related to the Greenwood Press internship I want for fall. I told him how Katy, the know-it-all, gave me such a horrible impression of the job, how she said she'd tried to quite, etc etc, but that Bridgford said it was a great experience. Dr. Sapp just looks at me and says "Er...is she a friend of yours?". No she is not, so my mind was immediately saying "Go on....". Apparently, they've had a terrible experience this semester, but not with the internship--with HER. muahahaha. He said to ignore her completely and that they have no intention of placing her anywhere next semester. I know I shouldn't feel malicious glee about this but I kind of do. So he said I can apply while I'm in Florence, interview when I come back, and if I get the job I won't go in there acting like I am the be-all-and-end-all of publishing knowledge, because that's apparently what put her on Sapp's shit list. More than any malice, though, I'm just legitmately excited about the opportunity, and so glad that it's not some crappy coffee internship. I really need to find out if I like publishing, so I can start deciding what the hell I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

As I said to Sean last night, there are just so many options that I really just don't know what to do. M.F.A and M.L.A.s might be nice, but those programs usually don't pay for you. Publishing might require me to be in the city. Art history, I don't know if I have the requisite passion, at least not a specialized passion. Creative writing--now there, I feel like I can be much more passionate about the field, and it does interest me, but would I really go get a phD in that, and would I have a job afterward? Kay told me that I'm way too practical about this and that she doesn't factor in the job market in her plans...but I'd really like to have a job, you know. Then there's the Fulbright issue: number one, am I going to do a proposal (if so, on WHAT) and b, should I bother doing it if I decide not to go to grad school? I mean, if I'm headed into the workforce anyway, a Fulbright will be a year when I have no job and I'll have to start from scratch when I get back. It's just so much to think about. I get anxious just thinking about the future. I told Sean how jealous I am of his clear path, his determination. I have determination too, but I lack a particular place to apply it at the moment.

Bah. I have to study for Mullan's crazy test. Brr.

Snow

As so often happens, I have failed to regularly update here. Lately, Sean and I have read through a lot of the older entries, especially ones from freshman year, which were plentiful, excitable, and sometimes even nonsensical. Despite inward groans about how ridiculous I often sound, it's so valuable a thing to have, simply because I can really see how far I've come. It's of special value to me as well since I don't have the greatest memory for events, even if there are a few (fusco, dirk, tommy) that I would greatly prefer to forget.

I hope I have a chance to update my journal from Italy, I really do. Even though I'll probably be keeping a print journal for one of the few times in my life--the others being my first Europe trip, and then the Southwest trip--just so I can really record my reactions to things as I see them. I found my mom's journals from her trips to Europe once; her handwriting wasn't as good then, so maybe I still have a shot at such perfection? lol.

So, as my time winds down here, I've started to really feel what it's going to be like, being separated from Sean for four months. This does not please me. Especially after, while reading the orientation manual, I found out that since the mail service is unreliable, letters can reach the US anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 freakin' months! Now yes, you may all chant "email!" but honestly, can an email ever compare to getting those crazy envelopes with the red and blue border and an international stamp? No way.

Everything will turn out as it should, I know that. Work will get done, tests will get done, the time will pass. Apparently some of my housemates were wondering over dinner if I had plans to dump Sean before I go abroad, and my mind could not even wrap itself around the magnitude of the stupidity that I would require to be able to do such a thing. Please. Almost one year later, I can say without a doubt that it's been the best year of my life.

Quickie

These days I seem to alternate between frantic anxiety about the future, and an almost zen-like acceptance of the scary inevitabilities of life. Sometimes I'm making myself near sick with worry about where I'll live, what kind of job I'll have, how Sean and I are going to handle being separated, etc etc, and sometimes I just think that it will all work itself out and there's no use worrying about it right this second.

I forced myself not to open up Greenwood Press' website to download the internship application before bedtime, because that just causes more stress and plus, I have to talk to Dr. Bridgford about it first. I've decided I want to intern fall semester, so I can get an earlier taste of whether or not I'll be into publishing. I think I'll also apply to the grant-writing program in Bridgeport. The New Yorker one sounds glamorous, but I hate the city and fetching coffee for a semester would make me hate it even more.

The knowledge that Sean will be in grad school until 2013 is a weird and foreign thought at best, and it's usually one of the things I worry about the most (this is one thing that you single people can feel a measure of satisfaction in, that you don't have to factor another person into your future plans). Long-distance relationships are never easy and heaven knows I haven't loved them in the past, but I have an incredible amount of confidence in our relationship and its ability to thrive even under adverse conditions. It will just be quite the transition when I no longer get the pleasure of seeing him on a daily basis (thinks of Sara's flower/gardener analogy, smiles). We'll be OK, I know we will. I just have to suppress the childish demand for everything in life to be easy.

Carla always emphasizes, as a Protestant would, the virtue of sacrifice, and how you can't-have-it-all-you-have-to-choose blah de blah--well dammit, I DO want it all and I intend to have it, one way or another. I'm like the Antigone of the post-modern Jean Anouihl version: I want everything to be beautiful and amazing and with all of the infinite possibility that the world ever held when I was a child and if I can't have it then I'll just let my uncle wall me up inside a tomb and hang myself. OK, so maybe I'm not quite like Antigone. But I'm still greedy, I still want so many things--most of them aren't material things, it's more ideals that I desire. Like the library with the roaring fireplace and the cushy chairs, or the living room aglow with holiday decorations like you see in those ridiculously smarmy television commercials, or the yellow kitchen with the green plates! (I really want that last one).

I think the best way to describe the way I feel is the part in HP4 (that's the Goblet of Fire) when Mad-Eye puts the Imperius Curse on Harry and tells him to jump on the desk and he resists--he says that he was both trying to jump forward and trying to stay put and just wound up just crashing head-first into the desk. Yes, that about sums it all up. I think with that it's bedtime.

Missing the Old Days...Except Not Really

So I just saw pictures of Greg and his band online from some recent gig--somehow he looks exactly like I always think of him and yet in another way I thought "whoa, who's the crazy bearded guy?". Nostalgia is a strange thing, it's welcome and unwelcome at the same time. I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything, much less the constraints of high school, but things were so much more innocent back then, if I may pretend to be so jaded at only 20 years of age. We didn't have to think about much in terms of our concrete futures besides getting into college--now we have to think about the real world, careers, relationships, and all of that. How long ago, the days when Sara and I were dating the drummer and lead singer, respectively, of a little band called Untold Inside. Even now I can't help laughing at the thought of those days. I would pay in gold for a copy of that CD, if only Heather and I could drive home from Northwest one more time yelling out the lyrics. Heterolifemate, I will always think of you when I hear "to breathe, to feel, to know I'm aliheeeeeve"...

But going forward to current times, Sean and I actually went on our second date of the semester this weekend--dating is so different when you see each other all the time! I do so love dates, though, even though the butterflies of the old days are gone. There's nothing as beautiful as strolling through town on a Saturday night with someone you love holding your hand. Not to mention the fact that there were PENGUINS, oh yes, we saw March of the Penguins for the second time, baby penguins are so frickin' cute it's disgusting, I want one desperately as a pet, and with that, goodnight.

Plotting

I really don't want to live here next year, I've realized that. As much as I love 121, I love how we've decorated it, I like having the theater parties conveniently in my basement, I just can't stand the thought of putting up with the rest of this crap my senior year. I'm tiring of always finding our house filthy, so filthy, in fact, that Sean and Mike said they had to breathe through their noses the other night in our living room! I don't want to spend senior year tidying up and grumbling with Carla about how everyone else is a pig. Carla shouldn't have to freak out and clean all the time. For crying out loud, 87 is cleaner than our house, and they're MEN!

I also just frankly don't want to live with these girls anymore. It's not that they're bad...Ioanna, for example, is a wonderful girl, but she's constantly screaming and running up and down the stairs and generally going mad. There's always people coming in and out like the place is a homeless shelter (theater people generally don't knock, either). Let's face it, I don't like people. I'm a misanthrope at heart, though by the grace of God I manage to co-habitate with Carla. Plus I'm not theater either, which automatically puts me at odds with everyone else in the house. I don't blame them, or anything, it's just something that they're involved with and I'm not. So yeah...it's noisy, filthy, and I guess I'm just getting more and more annoyed with it as time goes on. It's the only thing that's really making me count the days till I move out and go to Italy, because otherwise I'd just want to be thoroughly enjoying all my time here. However, it's difficult to enjoy life in 121 when you have to pick through rubble and crap just to find your backpack in the morning. Argh. Unfortunately, Carla does want to live here next year; mostly she wants to live with Anna, who will be her roommate in Italy. However, we have promised each other that we'll be roommates next semester no matter where we end up. I've just got my fingers crossed that it's not right back here where we started.

This grumpy entry is officially closed, and I will now return to half-heartedly pretending that I absolutely WUV this house.

Sigh

So I just sent Sara off in a Fairfield Cab--after discovering that no, the shuttle to town does not run at 11am on a Monday, hoes that they are--after three wonderful days of almost pretending that she really went here and would never ever leave me. It was so much fun, especially the hayride/pumpkin picking which was chosen as the best moment of the weekend...yeah, non-theater people can do superlatives too, so what now! But alas, all good things must come to an end, and back she goes to Providence to dance for pennies on the streetcorners.

Weird to think we have only two months left of the semester. As soon as Sara left I got this sudden wave of fatigue, of ennui, if you will--suddenly I just wanted the whole damn semester to be over so I can go home and pet my cats and play with the dog and spend time with my friends. How domestic of me, I know. Last night at the party I realized I'm getting a little bit tired of college crap. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual--drunk scandalously clad individuals, girls crying on the back porch, in the basement, and on the stairs, waking up to people sleeping on the couches/futons/floors and trash, crushed chips and cans everywhere. Bleh. Then again, I'm really not much of a party person to begin with. I enjoy the prep time and the first hour or so before it becomes a madhouse, but then it's like hm, perhaps I would like to retire upstairs and just chill out. This is except when I'm drunk, of course, which I didn't feel like doing last night, so Sara and I just chilled, and hid in the bathroom at one point pretending to be in a tawdry lesbian hookup, except no one banged on the door quite like we had planned despite Sara's moaning. Good thing I snagged all the comfy couch pillows early to make my bed on the floor upstairs, because people were crashing on the couches this morning and even though I liked the girls, I was still like HA bitches, who slept on the soft shit?

The slide library feels even more confining and boring than usual this morning...I can't believe Eliasoph actually answers his cell phone "Pronto!". Pretentious bastard. Hm, I hope it's not possible for anyone to ever find this journal from this computer at work. Methinks I'll be deleting site histories right about now...conveniently covering up my porn trail, as well. Sweet.

Quickie

It's great to wake up with that warm, contented snuggly feeling in the morning. Even if one paper and two midterms currently stand between you and your four-day weekend.

Am I the only one who doesn't want to live in next semester? It's still only October, and I just want to enjoy the time we have here instead of constantly focusing on what's to come. Our college career is already more than half over, so I'd really rather not hurry it up any further. I guess this is also because I've been so happy this semester, and next semester, while it will be fun and exciting, will also be Sean-less for the most part, and this makes me sad. Meow.

Right now it's the best part of fall, when the leaves are changing and the fallen ones make that dry, crackling sound as the wind kicks them about on the street. I love this time of year, it makes me think of Northwest and walking up to Bishop's Corner after school with Sara and Heather to go to Borders, never buying anything, just reading all their magazines, and then sitting in Starbucks for hours with a single cup of tea and maybe a macadamia nut cookie. The booth in the corner was the best, with the squishy chairs, we always tried to score that one first. How many hours of our high school lives did we spend in those chairs, talking about our futures, about guys, about things we'd never yet experienced but were so eager to? How often in junior and senior year did the conversation move to college, and how worried we all were about splitting up and having to find new places for ourselves, new friends? There was a real fear back then that our friendships wouldn't survive the change. Now four years later, as college draws to a close, I find myself with the same worries, not only about the girls from home but also my friends here. Sadly, we Fairfieldians lack even the bond of a shared hometown (or two) among us, and future holidays and vacations will not draw all of us back to one location. Who knows which relationships will flourish after this, as everyone moves on to work, to grad school, and which ones will simply fade away like Meghan and I? I suppose I should be more worried about the old crowd, but I'm really not. Somehow I know that those relationships, while not set in stone, have weathered enough already in these seven, eight years that I can be reasonably assured of their continued strength. I can't imagine a world without Sara, without Heather and Rae. It's just not a good world. Even if I don't get to see some of them very often *cough* rae *cough* I still just have this sense that we're there for each other. God, we're like the frickin' women in beaches, we'll be writing each other letters our whole lives and not meeting up very often till one of us dies tragically of cancer or something. On a beach. That is how it goes, right? Oh, Fitz, how I wish that you were here so you could explain the intricacies of the plot of what you considered the most horrendous chick flick of all time. Or just so that we could laugh at you a little, for old time's sake.

The happiest news of the moment, meanwhile, is that Sara is coming to visit this weekend! She's staying three whole nights, which is very exciting. We're even going to sneak her onto the bus for the hayride and pretend she's an IRC alum! All she has to do is really parrot back the lines "who are you, whose are you, and who are you called to be" and they won't know the difference. It's like T-Rex not being able to see you when you're not moving. Magic. :-)

Isabel Allende

Meredith and I went to her lecture tonight, after the Dean's office offered a bunch of leftover student tickets for free--a fortuitous thing indeed, considering I already knew it to be sold out and therefore didn't have a hope of going. It was excellent, undoubtedly the best lecture I've been to in my time here. She is a truly gifted storyteller, even the litany of her life story, which is usually so boring from lecturers, was a vivid and adventurous tale. Painful, too, when she described the death of her young daughter. Mysterious, when she read from the letter her daughter had written nine months before her illness, based on a premonitory dream, a letter that spoke of herself as already a spirit, already dead. Dreams and stories, that's what her lecture was about. She said that she wrote to be able to remember, to create a world that is her own, and she mentioned how spotty and unreliable her memory has always been, always forgetting, always blurring the past. My memory is similar. I have trouble remembering details of events that happened only months ago. My memories of my childhood are fragmented, and every day it seems like they get dimmer and farther away. Yet I have such a good memory for things I've read or written, I remember phrases that I loved when I came across years and years ago. Words stick with me, rather than people and events. That worries me. How much of my life can I write down?

Back In the Swing of Things

Here I am with a little extra time before I head down to my indentured servitude in the slide library! It's always nice to be in the house alone in the morning...and the afternoon...ok and the nighttime too. Wendy's here somewhere but she's not making any noise so we're just going to pretend she's not. Our house is luscious, I have to say. It's big, way bigger than I thought it would be, and well-decorated, including some great pieces of furniture that Tess (who is apparently the queen of finding things along the side of the road and re-painting them in funky colors) brought. I love sitting on the back porch when there's a storm going on, just watching the rain come down and the sky light up but never getting wet myself, naturally.

We've already christened the house with not one but two birthday parties; one was for Tess, where we invited people to help us paint a giant mural on canvas we put up on the wall in the basement, and the other for Meredith, where we drank a lot...It was a lot of fun except for the end when Carla got really sick and we had to clean her up, hold her hair back etc while she was yelling things along the lines of "Why won't you just let me DIE??" Eventually we took her to the health center just to be on the safe side, and they said she was fine but they'd keep her for a while, and she ended up sleeping there till 8am the next day, whereupon she returned our house via the back door--not the front one I had left unlocked--and lacking a key, decided to break and enter instead, proving once again how easy it is to break into a townhouse if the window's open: just pop the screen out and climb in!

How lovely it is to be back with my Mama Tiger! Our room (the Fortress of Solitude) looks pretty much the same as last year, right down to the lack of decor on Carla's side. Sean is another welcome sight on campus, now that he's a full-time student again, and he spends a good deal of time at 121 with his girlfriend and half-girlfriend...even though Carla says we make her sick. Sean's room in Dolan, The Land Before Time, is good-sized as well--but to my great sadness, "Dogs Playing Poker" has made its return. Ugh.

Oh, and if you haven't seen "Rome" yet and you have HBO, watch this show!! It's absolutely amazing. Sean and I are obsessed. "Pomp is shiny!"

Last Post From Home

Tomorrow I'm off to start my junior year. How crazy is that, that two years should have elapsed so quickly! I've been ready for days, and now that my departure is a scant 16 hours away it seems like nothing will fill the time. I've had Rocky to play with, of course--Rocky our soon-to-be adopted golden poodle, the pet of one of my mom's dying patients. He's a great dog, very playful but well behaved. At fourteen poinds, this creature has enough strength to literally drag me down the street in pursuit of one of those mysterious doggy scent trails. Right now he is napping peacefully in the hallway, fresh from another confrontation with a seriously aggrieved Sapphire. She does not see him as the friendly explorer he is; she only perceives that her territory has been invaded, her person threatened, and, worst of all, the precious attention of her humans diverted to another, most unworthy canine. So she hisses, and growls, and makes herself even more unpleasant than usual. The poor thing--when I'm gone and Rocky has moved in on my mother's affections, she will have few friends.

The rounds were made last evening to bid farewell to Sara and Rae. Rae's new house is utterly charming, right down to the black shutters and the cobblestones her father laid out front. I think with the passage of time, it grows easier to say goodbye at the end of the summer--not because we are any less close, as I feel only better friends with all three of them as time moves on--but because there is more of a sense of security between us now that our relationships have weathered the first tumultuous years of college. What a wonderful thing it is, to have such friends.

Tomorrow, though, I go back to Fairfield and my other friends. I look forward so much to this semester, especially now that Sean will be back with us, and our little family will be whole again once more. This year will be great. I know it will.

Wish

I've been wishing and hoping and *gasp* praying a lot lately. Partly out of fear that bad things will happen, and partly because I so dearly desire a lot of good things to come about. Then I read Sara's latest post about wanting her life to be what she had promised herself, and never having anything to regret...I don't think I'll ever reach a point where I have nothing to regret. Even now, not yet twenty, I regret so many things. Little things mostly, like friendships I allowed to lapse, words I should have said but didn't, or vice versa, relationships I shouldn't have entered into, both platonic and otherwise. But I'd like to keep the regrets to a minimum, focus instead on all the things that I celebrate--the good friends that I've stayed close to, the risks I've taken, the guy who I finally realized was right for me all along.

To that end, I whipped out my Wish Book, which I came across in a GoodWill last summer in Monroe. It's a book for--you guessed it--writing down your wishes and dreams, and someone had written a few things in it before me. From the entry she wrote on her birthday in 1997, she's 39 now. She only wrote two entries, both bittersweet. Whoever she was, she wanted life to be simple, but of course it never is. At least she had someone to love who loved her. What a difference that makes!

So here I go. My wishes are going in here, beginning tonight.

A Goodly Evening

I haven’t written on here in quite a while, but last night was just that damn good that I feel the need to record it. Sean showed up at my office with flowers, gorgeous orange-yellow roses that caused everyone to ooh and ahh. Sean himself was likewise oohed and aahed by my coworkers, especially Nikki, who told me “good job!”. It was such a pick-me-up on an otherwise blah lunch hour, which I usually spend napping on the futon in the break room (though today I am determined to go outside and use the damn hammock). He picked me up from work, too, as Mrs. D’s car was in for a tuneup and she had taken over the Tahoe. However, I will forgive her for messing up my mirrors, changing the radio and squashing the front seat as close to the steering wheel as possible, because she actually filled the car up with gas!
It’s so handy having a man about the house, especially to kill bugs. I hate doing that, and my mom won’t either. He even took out the trash, meaning I think my mom will be drawing up some adoption papers quite soon. The downside for Sean, I suppose, was having to sleep in my sister’s bed, which has been extremely rickety ever since the carpet installation guys decided to take it apart and then put it back to together really badly. The damn thing rattles when you move the headboard, and all night I could hear the squeaking whenever he moved. We’re going to try to fix that next weekend.
We didn’t really do much of anything, which is partly what made it so gloriously nice. Well, when we went to pick up my mom’s car from the darkened auto repair place in the middle of the tobacco fields, there was a moment of that hmmm let’s be crazy teenagers and go “parking”, till we realized it was extremely dark, isolated and—despite being in cozy suburban Windsor and not the backwoods of Arkansas—kinda creepy, so we hightailed it out of there. We went walking around my neighborhood instead—much less chance of being murdered—and even got to observe the cutest, fattest raccoon making a feast out of the cat’s food dish. He ate like a little person, picking up the food with his paws. Precious!!
It’s been kind of rough recently, we realized, because both Sean and I put so much emphasis on the weekends since the weeks are so long and dull, but then we always spend the weekends doing the same thing—mostly laying around Sean’s house watching television. We spend all week looking forward to the weekend, but if the weekend turns out to not be stellar, it’s a big letdown, which is not a good thing. This realization came after a particularly crappy weekend, in which Sean could barely talk for his tonsils, and I came down with some sort of deathly illness courtesy of Sara or another heretofore unknown culprit. So our goal now is not to obsess over the weekends, but also not to spend all our time at Sean’s house! In fact, I probably won’t be visiting there again the rest of the summer…Sean’s coming up here for two weekends, we’re going to Carla’s once, and the final weekend will be just a flurry of packing, shopping, and insanity, in my two whole days between ending work and starting school.
I also just hugely enjoy having Sean at my house…it makes it so very homey. It took a lot of willpower to get my butt out the door this morning and off to work, where I am currently languishing, with 10 calls currently queued up (and why am I not answering them ,you ask? Mmmm, just ‘cause.) Anyway, last night and this morning definitely put a smile on my face. And tonight…tonight…tonight—our pal Adamo from high school managed to get his little nerdy mitts on a copy of the FAMILY GUY MOVIE, and will be screening it at the movie theater at Uhart tonight. J Wheeeee!!!

Where Has July Gone?

....Actually, I don't quite care where it's gone. Hello, August! This has actually been a fantastic summer, really (due in no small part to Boyfriend of the Year down in New Haven), but September is just around the corner!

Now, they say that it's the thought that counts, and for Sean's anniversary present to me, that really was true--he looked up Billy Collins in the yellow pages and wrote him a letter asking him for a signed copy of one of his poems, explaining that his girlfriend really liked his work. And then when he didn't get a response, he got me a signed copy of a book he had edited instead. Now, this is just extraordinary in itself, that he went that far to try for such an amazing present, and it really didn't matter that Collins never wrote back, BUT, when i went down this weekend, what was waiting for me but the signed poem, framed alongside his note "hoping you and michelle are still together"!! What kind of amazing-ness is that from a boyfriend? I so lucky.

Best Fourth

I don't think it would be hyperbole to say that this was the best weekend of my summer. Spending three sunny, beautiful days at Fairfield (which is very pretty in the summer and even more pretty without the hordes of Aberzombies meandering about) with all my favorite people....luscious. I was quite delighted to find that by Sunday night I had assembled almost all of my closest friends in one place, including two roommates, one boyfriend, and my three best friends from home. It was particularly surreal to be walking up that big hill in front of the library with Sara, Rae and Heather; at one point I looked around and there was all of campus spread out behind me, everything that is not home, Windsor, and high school, and yet there they were, too, Heather clutching her gold pumps in one hand as we walked through the grass, and Rae telling us excitedly about the topiary garden people have had sex in at Wellesley. Not to mention the fact that we've only all been together like, once all summer, it's just so awesome that we're still friends, and even more awesome that they and all my school friends got along so well. It's kind of like how you feel really satisfied when your friends like your boyfriend because you know it's a really good sign...and they love Sean and they love my Fairfield friends, wheeee!

I have not drunk so much, eaten so much, laughed so much, nor played so much "Never Ever Have I Ever" in longer than I can remember. It made me that much more revved up to go back to school. I went up to the townhouses briefly to go past mine--how unassuming it looks, but oh, what a place of magical and whimsical wondrousness it shall be!! :-)

July Already?

Has anyone been keeping track of time? I guess the past two months have gone by so quickly because there's been so little downtime; work all week, in New Haven every weekend, very unlike those long, lazy summers where often for days on end I had little to besides read and lounge about. It's nice in many ways that summer has not been dragging on. Only within the past week or so have I finally felt the first pangs of summer boredom syndrome (at work, no less), when I start fervently wishing it would be late August so I can eagerly anticipate the return to school. Many times I've looked at the date and laughed, just remembering where I was a year ago, and how infinitely happier I am now...*shakes head* It's just incredible.

Tomorrow I head down to Fairfield for a 4th of July party, where I will be joined on Sunday by Rae, Heather and Sara, as well as all my school friends and various friends they'll be bringing. Rae and Heather are eager to meet Carla now that Sara's been going on about how much she loves her! Also, Messrs. Smirnoff, Bacardi, and Vino will be attending, in the company of the charming Mme. Coronita. Such a gathering of good friends! :-)

Well, I don't think my job is terrible (they're paying me not to work Monday, and today they paid for almost three hours of me reading "The Joy of Sex" in Borders and getting my hair cut) but I like this:

The Big Bad Wolf Is Real
for Jim Daniels



We don't leave our terrible jobs
as the same humans that showed up
with bag lunches and optimism because

of a good night's sleep. Something's
been milked from us, something that time
sells to abstract powers. No wonder

that happy hour is three hours long,
that rush to be useless. At least our sins
are ours, although profiteers have plans.


Rane Arroyo

Poem I Won't Name But I Like A Lot

More than mere spasm
or when focused mind

and game heart combine
as mechanism,

enthusiasm
maneuvering spine

to bliss, realigned.
More like a schism

or charmed sarcasm
at reason’s fine line,

the old soul’s design
for protoplasm’s

iconoclasm,
exquisitely mined.


Hailey Leithauser

That Feeling

I always feel this slight sense of embarassment at being happy while someone else has just suffered a harsh disappointment. It's like the love version of survivor guilt; it leads one to ask question like why do bad things happen to good people, when people who have so made so many mistakes (me) still manage to stumble onto the right thing? I have no answer.

Still, amid it all, what comes back to me is the last line of one of my favorite books, "The Oracle Glass", which I've read more times than I can count: "But inside, my heart was singing He's waiting for you, and my mind was fixed on the remembrance of his dark eyes".

Reading

Such a great number of books on my reading list this summer, and I really want to get through them all, as it's hit me recently during a reorganization of books how many of my books I've never had a chance to read. Right now I'm reading Alexandre Dumas' Three Musketeers, which I was honestly surprised to find as entertaining as it is. Somehow I didn't imagine that a two-hundred-year-old swashbuckler romance (in the genre term, not the Danielle Steele) could really captivate me as much as a modern novel, but it totally does. I find myself reading for a couple of hours without realizing it, when usually with older classics it's enjoyable more on an intellectual level....luckily, The Three Musketeers was written for the masses, and this mass is loving it. Thank heaven my "at-work" reading book is a history book about the 17th century, because otherwise I wouldn't have remembered the historical background of the novel, beyond the infamous Richelieu--specifically, the siege of the Huguenot fortified city of La Rochelle, which plays a huge role in the book. The history book, also surprisingly, is really good. It covered the Enlightenment, the Counter Reformation, the rise of absolutism in France and constitutionalism in England, etc etc. Stuff that I should have a more concrete knowledge of, anyway.

Anyway, here's my reading list as it stands...suggest good books, if you know any. Always room for one more.

Bullfinch's Mythology
Age of Power
The Fencing Master
Artemisia
Merchant of Venice
Julius Caesar
3 Musketeers
Dinosaur in a Haystack
Paradise Lost
Man the MythMaker
Eichmann in Jerusalem
No Exit
Harry Potter 6 :-)

Happy

Ingredients of a great, lazy weekend: italian ice, warm weather, homemade food and being fed strawberries in bed. mmmm.

Thinking

Spring semester has been on my mind a lot recently. Basically, because my job pays so well I'm in a position now where I could conceivably go study abroad in Italy. My scholarship would reimburse me for the plane fare and will cover most of the tuition, and I'd have the bank account money, probably all my own without having to go into the school fund account I have. But now I'm questioning whether I'll still go or not, for a lot of reasons. One thing I've noticed is that now that I actually have money, I'm not keen on separating myself from it. I'm not sure I want to save save save this summer and fall and then spend it all in the spring.

Secondly, there's the Fulbright thing. If I work hard and come up with an amazing project, I could be on my way abroad after graduation anyway. Staying here spring semester would give me a lot more time to work on it, and Dr. Gogol said that spring/summer of your junior year is the optimum time to work on it, as everything has to be submitted by October of senior year. Then there's the fact that I have to balance two majors, one minor, and one or more possible internships. When I talked to the English internship guy, he said that he thought it would be best to do an internship spring semester of junior year and spring of senior year as well. Fall is apparently not as key.

Then there's the Sean factor; yes, I know some of you are probably groaning right now thinking that he shouldn't be a consideration, but of course he is. We had already started making plans to go on a trip to Italy together since neither of us could really afford to study abroad. In that case I could still have my scholarship pay for plane fare and my hotel bill because I would be going for an educational/cultural experience, so it'd definitely be cost-effective! Plus, in a lot of ways, a two week vacation with him sounds better than four months in Italy without him.

So there are all these factors jumbled together. I could spend all of my money on four months in Italy with Carla and Meredith, which would admittedly be a lot of fun, or I could stay at Fairfield, work on academic-y things, be with Sean, and go to Italy on spring break. Oh yeah, and have money. I'll be honest; I'm really leaning toward not going. Yes, Carla will have a fit when she finds out. At least this time I'll be making the free decision not to go instead of being forced into by the simple fact of not having the money.

Ah, big thoughts, which must end because I have to get dressed to meet the girls at Starbucks. Our last night with Rae, what sadness!

And The Beat Goes On

I really like my job, which is a surprising thing to say. Well, I like it as a summer job; perhaps I wouldnt like it so much if I were facing spending several years of my life doing it like some of my co-workers. But the people are great, the atmosphere is pleasant, and the work itself, while sometimes stressful and hectic, seems stimulating at least. Adam told us that while now we all balk at the idea of people paying 400 bucks for a pair of Neil Diamond tix, soon we won't even blink when people drop thousands of dollars on prime seats for the Superbowl or World Series. Corporate accounts have been known to spend in the tens of thousands on a single order--we've looked at some of the files and it's like, jesus, is this why we're hated by so many countries? I mean, my company fulfills what is by world standards a completely superfluous need; in places that barely have basic necessities, a service that charges premium prices for hugely expensive tickets to entertainment events would be unthinkable. Perhaps it's naive, but I can imagine so many better uses for your 800 bucks than getting floor seats to a U2 concert.

We all went out for pizza after work today to give everyone a chance to hang out; I, as the sole underage individual, was restricted to the root beer (although the guy who hired me said: "aren't you in your twenties? holy shit!"). The only other fun thing that happened today was learning about the perks program, which like the stock I probably won't be around long enough to enjoy. Anyway, for exceptional work, attendance, special projects etc, you can earn varying numbers of perks points, which then you can get stuff with. So I'm thinking, oh great, I can get a tshirt, but then Adam whips out this gigantic glossy catalogue and passes it around, and turns out you can get everything from sports equipment, digital cameras, and vacations to electric razors and dishwashers. I had my eye on this nice Kodak camera which was only like 140 pts (you can get 50 pts a month for perfect attendance, and i've got three months, so....), but the rest of the stuff was just awesome. He showed us some stats from the SF office, where they just started this program, and one woman's already racked up 900...apparently she's a crazy hard worker though, so I don't dream of coming near that. Still, I hope if I ever work in an office when I'm older that they have something like that...and raises and bonuses too, those sound fun lol.

Anyway, this is the first summer where I havent immediately gotten out of school and started couting down to fall. I'm very much anticipating making money and going to work, and plus I just plain haven't had time, really. Next week is when I start being on my real schedule, 11:30-8pm, so hopefully then I won't be having to go to bed at midnight, ugh.

Oh, I'm turning Sean into a cat-lover! Well, not really, he'll always be a dog person, but hey, no one's perfect. Anyway, the nights he's spent here, sapphire and cinnamon have both taken a turn sleeping with him, and seem to be ridiculously excited when he shows up. They're #1 Sean fans now, the little furry sluts; meanwhile, they basically ignore sara and heather when they come over, despite sara being partially responsible for sapphire's very presence in our house. How quickly feline minds forget a favor (ooh alliteration).

God, my mom's listening to Dr. Phil upstairs. How I hate that little bald man!

How Could I Resist--

The Highwayman

The wind was a torrent of darkness upon the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight looping the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding--
Riding--riding--
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door.

He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead, and a bunch of lace at his chin;
He'd a coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of fine doe-skin.
They fitted with never a wrinkle; his boots were up to his thigh!
And he rode with a jeweled twinkle--
His rapier hilt a-twinkle--
His pistol butts a-twinkle, under the jeweled sky.

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
He tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred,
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter--
Bess, the landlord's daughter--
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
Where Tim, the ostler listened--his face was white and peaked--
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
But he loved the landlord's daughter--
The landlord's black-eyed daughter;
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say:

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart; I'm after a prize tonight,
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light.
Yet if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

He stood upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
But she loosened her hair in the casement! His face burnt like a brand
As the sweet black waves of perfume came tumbling o'er his breast,
Then he kissed its waves in the moonlight
(O sweet black waves in the moonlight!),
And he tugged at his reins in the moonlight, and galloped away to the west.

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon.
And out of the tawny sunset, before the rise of the moon,
When the road was a gypsy's ribbon over the purple moor,
The redcoat troops came marching--
Marching--marching--
King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

They said no word to the landlord; they drank his ale instead,
But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed.
Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets by their side;
There was Death at every window,
And Hell at one dark window,
For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.

They had bound her up at attention, with many a sniggering jest!
They had tied a rifle beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her. She heard the dead man say,
"Look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though Hell should bar the way."

She twisted her hands behind her, but all the knots held good!
She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
Till, on the stroke of midnight,
Cold on the stroke of midnight,
The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

The tip of one finger touched it, she strove no more for the rest;
Up, she stood up at attention, with the barrel beneath her breast.
She would not risk their hearing, she would not strive again,
For the road lay bare in the moonlight,
Blank and bare in the moonlight,
And the blood in her veins, in the moonlight, throbbed to her love's refrain.

Tlot tlot, tlot tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hooves, ringing clear;
Tlot tlot, tlot tlot, in the distance! Were they deaf that they did not hear?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
The highwayman came riding--
Riding--riding--
The redcoats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still.

Tlot tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot tlot, in the echoing night!
Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
Her eyes grew wide for a moment, she drew one last deep breath,
Then her finger moved in the moonlight--
Her musket shattered the moonlight--
Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him--with her death.

He turned, he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
Bowed, with her head o'er the casement, drenched in her own red blood!
Not till the dawn did he hear it, and his face grew grey to hear
How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
Blood-red were his spurs in the golden noon, wine-red was his velvet coat
When they shot him down in the highway,
Down like a dog in the highway,
And he lay in his blood in the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.

And still on a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
When the road is a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor,
The highwayman comes riding--
Riding--riding--
The highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,
He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred,
He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter--
Bess, the landlord's daughter--
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

Alfred Noyes

A Lady Who Thinks She Is Thirty

Unwillingly Miranda wakes,
Feels the sun with terror,
One unwilling step she takes,
Shuddering to the mirror.

Miranda in Miranda's sight
Is old and gray and dirty;
Twenty-nine she was last night;
This morning she is thirty.

Shining like the morning star,
Like the twilight shining,
Haunted by a calendar,
Miranda is a-pining.

Silly girl, silver girl,
Draw the mirror toward you;
Time who makes the years to whirl
Adorned as he adored you.

Time is timelessness for you;
Calendars for the human;
What's a year, or thirty, to
Loveliness made woman?

Oh, Night will not see thirty again,
Yet soft her wing, Miranda;
Pick up your glass and tell me, then--
How old is Spring, Miranda?

Ogden Nash

Interesting

I'm home. Half of my college career is over. It's freakish.

I started my new job, for which I am attending two looong weeks of training, 8hrs a day. This is who I work for, as customer service. You would not believe how inordinately complicated the business world is. Are all businesses like this? With VPs of this and that, and affiliates and ridiculously long privacy agreements and everything? It's insane! I actually have to do math in my job too, calculating percentages and stuff. Thankfully they did not inquire as to my math abilities when I started, though there were five math questions on the application I had to submit to San Francisco after they hired me--which now makes sense. Hmm. My job is cool in a lot of ways, I can get discounted tickets to concerts and whatnot, and finagle special passes to the "exclusive events", like meet and greets with celebrities, although, nothing I'd really care to do.

Today Adam, our trainer, who's from L.A. and runs an art gallery in his spare time, told us that if any of us are going to San Fran, call him and he'll hook us up with another employee to stay with. People in this company are really nice--sadly, the San Fran office is where all the younger people are, there's mostly middle-aged people in the office I'll be in, but the atmosphere is so relaxed, it's great (the only dress code is "no sweats"). I actually find myself a little sad that I won't be working here longer than four months, because I'm missing out on like going to San Francisco, and getting stock options (strange as that sounds, their stock, which is privately held right now, has tripled in value in one year, and it's supposed to be worth up to 30 bucks a share in the next few years) and other grown-up things. I get paid on monday--paid for sitting on my ass in a conference room for 40 hours learning about co-branding and corporate accounts. sweeeet. I feel like going to Sofia's just to flaunt the fact that hey, instead of getting paid minimum wage to put up with ornery old people and bitchy children, I'm getting paid 12 bucks an hour to deal with...ornery middle-aged sports fans. By phone. In a comfy chair. In a cubicle. Still waaay better.

Heather and Sara came over tonight, and Sean joined us from UMass to enjoy pizza, the classic car show down at Bart's, some "ahoy"-ing to people boating on the river, and "Garden State". Heather announced her plans to leave the Vteam this sunday in a hotel room in Lake George *round of applause* I blame this bad influence on rae and rae blames it on me....meanwhile, Sara's left on the virgin chair, formerly the virgin couch. Ha. Loser....I mean, virtuous protector of noble ideals, way to go!

Sean gets out of UMass tomorrow! whoot!! I get Real Sean back FOREVER!!!!

End of the Year

It's almost here--in one week I'll be done with sophomore year! This has been a great year, despite some minor negative occurrences (ie the dirk awkwardness, yeah that's not so great), and even better than last year (a great portion of which i may attribute to having a much better boyfriend this time around hahaha). I'll really miss Loyola--best residence hall ever. I'm glad I did IRC, it was worth it; tomorrow night I will mooch for the last time my bagels and donuts from Happy Hour in the commons. I need to take advantage of those leather couches this week, hmmm.

In one week I will start my 45-hour-per-week job that will probably make me want to kill myself, but will also make me rich--12 bucks an hour, whoot! My weekends are going to be so fucking jam-packed with fun and amazement it's not even funny. On tap: trips to wellesley with s. lo and heather "monogamy" flanagan to see rae, possible penguin-napping from the mystic aquarium, horseback riding with my equestrian rider roommate, possible skydiving with boyfriend and co., end-of-summer trip to montreal with boyfriend and co., lots of poker nights, trips down to FU to see mike and meredith, worker bees that they are, july 4th extravaganza in new haven, and oh-so-many wonderful weekends spent at sean's with (disgusting display of saccharine ahead) the greatest boyfriend ever!!! Oh, and I am totally opening that up to sara, heather, carla, and any other of you wonderful folk who are fond of a seasside retreat in morris cove with with the beloved sambuca-swilling hubbard...what? not my house so i shouldnt invite people? oh, pish posh. sadly, you will all have to sleep on the airbeds, since sean's gotten over his case of chivalry in that department. queen size for me, even if i do have to sleep on the side with the dip!

I'm excited for all of this, even as I'm so sad to leave Carla. I mean, where will I be without someone trilling in french to me at indecent hours of the morning? Who will rumble "Raoulllll....Gerarrrrd" to me, who will I make mooing sounds at and chase with an imaginary cattle prod, who will sing the same obnoxious part from a song over an over? Oh, alas.

Oh, and let's not underestimate the importance of penguins here, people. They are my favorite animal. Well, bird. Whatever. The chance to pet and possibly abscond with a penguin is worth more to me than any of you in GOLD. thank you and good night.