''One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.''
Tonight I went to a poetry reading and walked home with the strange sensation of being warm despite the cold. The mood that poetry brings over me is like a blanket of thought and imagination and sensation, the kind that brings pensiveness and the desire to be alone with your keyboard, a soft chair, and some good music.
I love it when men, friends and lovers alike, are sweet in the randomest ways, in the ways you don't expect.
After this we proceeded to Sean's house to show off the clothes (I have further gained the admiration of Sean's mom and grandma lol PLUS the recipe for broccoli bread), and then we ended up going lazertagging. We split up with us three girls against Sean, TJ and the Mikes, and yeah, we lost three games to one. No fair--and Amanda's asthmatic, the fog machine nearly finished her!
After an abortive attempt to play Disney Trivia (I totally suck at it, because I never saw so many of the movies, like Pocahontas, Oliver, Hunchback of Notre Dame), we ended up having a conversation about the differences between men and women, sex, relationships, etc--all the thinsg that make me sincerely grateful that I have cool guy friends who will be totally candid about this kind of stuff. Even if we established that our guys aren't exactly typical of the standard FU male and we're not typical of the standard female, it still is interesting.
Oh, my guys friends have invented a new word: "dirking". Three guesses what THAT refers to. I love how everyone's surprised when I'm still around at like midnight, like "Oh. Shouldn't you be over at Dirk's?" Jesus, people, I am not a machine! The boys were all here and drinking in his room, I was tired, and yes, I did have a headache. Oh but tomorrow Carla's going to a theater toga party and staying at a friend's overnight. Meow. Tomorrow is drinking night for us (not tonight out of deference to popham's bday celebrations). Wheeeee!
"My daughter's strengths are many: she is very articulate and excels at writing. She is loyal and has integrity; she is witty; she is honest and a hard worker, especially when working on something that interests her. She is creative and loves to debate. She is smart and quick to pick up on concepts, and when it suits her she is a perfectionist.
Her weaknesses are: she doesn't like confrontation; she avoids discussing topics that disturb her. If someone or something bores her she has no patience for it. She doesn't like to reveal her emotions and she can't abide stupid people."
Well go mom! She certainly pegged me pretty well. I don't like confrontation, that's true, especially at home where confrontation was the norm once upon a time. She tells me that I inherited my dad's problem with anger management; I'm not good at letting it out slowly, so it builds until it just explodes. As for not talking about what disturbs me or not revealing my emotions, I think that speaks more toward our particular relationship than myself in general. I'm generally open with my emotions with my friends, and there's little I haven't talked about with one person or another. However, my mom and I don't have that buddy-buddy relationship some girls do with their parents. We have a lot of serious, intelligent conversations, and we joke around a lot, but rarely do we touch upon deep emotions because it's just not quite as comfortable. I have a sense that she might be referring to my dad by this; although we've naturally discussed him a lot over the years and have come to some interesting/painful conclusions about him, I don't think she feels like I've ever "let her in", so to speak.
Then there's the fact that my mom doesn't know a whole lot about my life. Well, to be fair we're not quite sure what she knows or what she suspects. By now I do know that she is at least vaguely aware I drink, and trusts me to do so responsibly, but it's a running joke in our family that we're very micro-managed and Mom doesn't know the particulars most of the time. For example, if you do that "it's 10pm, do you know where your children are?" thing, there's a good possibility my mom either has no idea, or she did before but now can't remember. This of course benefits me, since I have enjoyed freedoms in these last four years that most teenagers never get. Sometimes, though, I do wish that I could call my mom and she'd know certain things about what was going on in my life without me having to explain them again and again. For instance, when I tell her stories about my school friends, I often have to describe them to her again because she's forgotten which one that is or why this is important. She seems to sort of forget Sean after every bad story I tell about him. Lol.
I suppose I must have some sort of ADD after all--both my mom and that personality test concur that as long as something interests me I will work diligently at it, but if it bores me I will lose patience rapidly. This is not to say that I have to be totally enraptured in whatever I'm doing to concentrate; as long as I'm even interested on a remote, intellectual level, it'll do. Otherwise how would I do so well in classes I have little interest in? (Ok things like calculus, ap physics, those things were flukes, we all know it) I guess in those cases the interest is my on-again, off-again perfectionism (Oh speaking of which, that woman should not be complaining about me being a perfectionist, after years of that "You got a B+? Why wasn't it an A?" jibba-jabba she learned so well from my dad). I'll write my papers well and strive to get good grades because that is what I like to do, I guess. But when it comes to activities or people that bore me, well, there goes that.
Oh, and finally, probably the most telling of my faults: that I can't abide stupid people. So true. Wrapped up in this is the intellectual elitism that comes from always being one of the smart kids (HILL, 16 smartest kids in the class, what?), the intellectual snobbery that leads you to prefer the company of other smart people, and, though you may not intend it, the effect of making other people feel inadequate because you're intelligent. I generally do not purposely use large words or make really obscure references to literature or history because I'm trying to make other people feel bad. That's just how my mind works. In fact, one thing I really dislike about people is when they complain repeatedly (JULIE) that I use too many big words, because I feel like saying, "why should I dumb myself down for you?" Being a compulsive reader as a child--and now--leaves with you not only a large vocabulary but a mind crammed with the most random bits of knowledge and trivia that I enjoy referencing, just like Heather likes referencing her massive knowledge of pop culture. I personally enjoy Heather's allusions to Rick James, Whitney Houston, Fraggle Rock and the like, because it's not something I know that much about and I wouldn't say, while Heather endured four years of me constantly spouting random things ("everything michelle says starts with "well, I read in this book that..." or "I was reading in this article that..'!!")
This is why people choose the friends they do. I have always gravitated towards people who either actively appreciate the way I am because they're that way too lol (Rae!) or people who just don't mind. Not that that hasn't caused problems, because like any fault it can become a big issue if things get out of hand. But anyway, I should finish this up and you know, put on clothes for class. So this is me, ladies and gentlemen, at least according to Mrs. D. I can't wait to see what Sean will say.
Irony: your roommate sleeps over at a friend's dorm two nights in a row, but the guy you hook up with chose that particular weekend to go home for a frat party.
It's hard to be patient at this age, no matter what direction you're coming from. It's hard for Carla to be patient waiting for a nice guy to go out with and to cuddle with when she's drunk (she has a song to this effect), and I know it's hard for some of my other friends to wait too. It's hard for Wendy to figure out where she wants certain things to go in her life, and to overcome all the bad things that have happened to her in relationships previously. Me...I guess it's just hard not knowing quite what I should want. Sometimes I think I should wait...but wait for what, exactly? Will some messenger descend from Olympus and pronounce me ready for a relationship? I've learned before that it's when you stop looking and make yourself ok with what you have, that's when you find something. So I'd have to reach the point of readiness--and then make myself not care. Yeah that sounds simple. So I go on, and I do what I want with who I want, which I have made my mantra. Dirk went home to go to a frat party this weekend and naturally, the thought crossed my mind--do I be jealous? Or do I wish him the best, because I know that I wouldn't let the thought of him stop me from making advances on a hot guy at a party (were I going to any this weekend). Purely out of politeness, I don't think it's a great idea to be carrying on more than one hookup at once, but dallying here or there is obviously not verboten. I just don't want to know about it! I didn't wish him the best in so many words, but I did advise him to watch out for Sean's mistake, that if he wound up in the woods with a Finnish nun, check for poison ivy before doing the deed.
Oh yes, that was another consideration, whether I should semi-jokingly urge him to lose his Vcard at the frat, like sean, so that I wouldnt have to worry about (as my friends so eloquently term it) 'taking his flower'. I decided no, simply because I don't want to have to worry about him getting crabs from some skanky Scandinavian (ah, alliteration!) and also because, on some consideration, it might not be a bad thing to be someone's first. Oh, the number of times Michelle changes her mind on things. It could make your head spin. Honestly, what might seem hypocrisy in some instances (like how vehemently I insisted I didn't want to have sex outside of a relationship) was more of me trying to convince myself that's how I felt, as if the more I said it and the more people I said it to, the better I would be able to control myself. Didn't quite work.
I suppose my change of heart (outwardly, at least) is partly due to the recent focus on S-E-X around here. Ever since Sean lost his virginity it's been the hot topic. Suddenly I'm not the only one marked with the scarlet A! It's really nice that we can all talk openly about it, but the more you think about something, especially something you want, the more you want it!
Also, I agree with Carla. Possibly the nicest aspect about boys is cuddling with them. That trumps making out in so many instances--there have been many times while making out with various guys that I would have been perfectly content to just stop and lie there cuddling. Men, of course, don't understand this at all and want to keep on with the action. Alas! But I enjoy it greatly. Men smell good. This is of course awkward/amusing when the good-smelling man in question is, for example, TJ. Or Neil, who wears quite delicious cologne, but I try not to show how much I enjoy that for fear he will mistake it for interest in him (he has made his willingness in that department clear, but I enjoy his company and that is all). Cuddling, handholding etc is usually the benefit of a relationship, but it's nice even outside of one. Just walking arm in arm with Mike B, who is one of my closest guy friends, is very comforting somehow. Holding hands with Dirk while watching TV is just as pleasant. Human contact in general is soothing for most people, I suppose (unless you're my roommate, who is not touchy-feely until she is drunk, and then her philosophy is "HOLD ME!"). Hugs all around, people.
This is Sean's away message:
Congratulations America, today you have proven that the most advanced country in the world is also the least intelligent. It boggles the mind as to how the majority of this nation could be so blind and vote for this fool.
You, the majority of Americans, have demonstrated that stupidity, ignorance, and arrogance are the qualities you most cherish in a president. These truly are "American" qualities.
Never before have I been this ashamed to be an American, and to all of you I say, may you accept the horrible fate you have chosen with the same ignorant earnest with which you chose it.
However, I noted to Sean that in swing states, voting for third party candidates probably helped Kerry to lose. It doesnt matter here in liberal New England, but if you're in a swing state, why not choose a viable candidate instead of wasting your vote next time.
Oh yes, last night Carla informed me that while I'm not a slut, she does consider me kind of a ho. Gee, I feel all warm and fuzzy. Then Sean described me as a "predator", which he later qualified as being a good thing in comparison to all the other girls on this campus who aren't forward enough to suit him. You see what having sex does to people, it turns them into these wandering-eyes nymphos. I keep telling him he'll probably have more luck with the southern belles than he will with the "frigid northern bitches" lol.
Last night was so much fun. The Warrens were a let-down, but I went over to drink with the boys. Dirk made some weird sour drink with vodka that tasted like a giant sweet tart, and i had 99 apples, which is really really good. Sluka was visiting from Marist, everybody got really drunk, Pete turned belligerent when Steve kicked him out of his room bc he smelled like cigarettes and we all hate that, and he's still arguing about it this morning. Oh, and Pete announced that he'd sleep with Dirk if Dirk drank some more, and that he'd pick Dirk over steve. So would I, but I wasn't about to announce that...oh yeah and dirk slapped my ass really hard when i was leaving the room at one point, and just reflexively i turned and smacked him upside the head, so this morning he was all apologetic cause i think he thought he hurt me. It didn't, but some things are just not appropriate to do in front of the little children. it's called "keeping it on the dl".
oh, and i might just be wearing a sexy french maid costume tonight in place of the kitty costume, i'll save that for tomorrow night. french maid + fishnets and high heels + alcohol + dirk = HOT.
http://community.webshots.com/photo/185487361/207785746skmiuR Dirk is the one on the right, for anyone who's interested in checking out michelle's latest fling. Meghan thinks he's hot, I think he's hot, my friends here don't know what's wrong with me, everyone has their own opinion!! lol.
Next semester I'm taking the following classes:
Shakespeare
Contemporary/Modern Philosophy
Intro to Catholicism (i have to take one more rel class for IRC, this better be so easy)
Comedy (an entire class on comedy! whee!)
Roman and Etruscan Art and Architecture
There are always beautiful things in the world to be enjoyed, and those far outweigh the few negatives that cloud our space. There is so much to anticipate, so much ahead to be reveled in, and always, so much to be thankful for.
Oh, and he told me he loves my eyes. It was a nice moment.
rae, how naughty of you!
After returning here yesterday, I faced the utter disappointment of watching the Sox lose 19-8. 19 to fucking 8!!! actually we didn't watch all the way through, at 12-6 I could no longer take it and we watched some episodes of Sex and the City. After midnight I returned to my room to entertain my guest (read: Dirk) which was quite fun. Nothing too scandalous occurred, since I was expecting Carla to return early. She ended up showing up at 3am totally smashed. Now, understand that Carla doesn't drink often and she's rarely ever been drunk. It was utterly hysterical, especially her seeing Dirk and saying "Who ARE you?? I don't know you!! Get out of my room!"
Oh, and tonight, as in in ten minutes, we're all headed to Sean's house in New Haven for a real Italian dinner, kindly provided by his wonderful grandma. Sweeet.
Most of the photos are from the trips and retreats of last year's class (they went on a paintball trip! i wanna do that!!), but the "Our Residents" section has the name and photograph of all 200-odd people who live in Loyola (including a lovely one --not--of yours truly). So for those of you who don't go here, but still love me and want to know all about my life, you can now see pictures of my various friends, acquaintances, and "interests" (however I've learned that putting entire names up here is bad since it means you can be found on google, a la the shady move tommy pulled once upon a time, so if you want to know exactly who people are that I've mentioned, just ask). Also, the "Our Home" section has pictures of the dorm inside and out and also of the lovely commons area, which might be of interest to a certain petite individual who will probably not be visiting Fairfield for some time (yes you, Rae)
Don't bother reading the crap about what the college is about, unless you want to hear all about those three omni-present questions: "WHO AM I, WHOSE AM I, WHO AM I CALLED TO BE?" yeah, they repeat that like every time we're together, ever.
So yes, this is your introduction to IRC, if you should so desire it. yeah, we're a cult. damn proud of it.
I also hate it when people allow themselves to be misused or trampled upon by others. I hate watching people be doormats, it makes my blood boil! It makes me want to get revenge on their behalf, even though I can't. Even though I'd like to take the people responsible and beat them with a pipe. Grrr.
Remember what you're worth. Don't let anyone treat you as anything less than that.
Friday I came home to an empty house, which is always creepy after having been at school. Since my mom's van has been having trouble with the brakes, she was at work with my car, so I had to wait to go out until she came home at 11:30--meaning she got out and tossed me the keys, i hopped in and it was off for some GoldRoc goodness with my number one puerto rican lady. I love how we act like we're on crack when we're reunited. Side note--sara found out she's part black (paternal grandfather), so think of all the NEW jokes we can used!! 40s of malt liquor and fried chicken, yeaaah!!!
Saturday I did various errands and then returned to sara's, this time for dinner before the triple birthday party at stone's. here's where things get shady: brian had an "episode" with khara and was upset, so he proceeded to get drunk off his ass, which for brian is a pretty tall order. me and sara weren't really drinking since we'd been planning on going to heather's to sleep, but she showed up late declaring her intention to sleep there and drink. i wasn't really in the mood to drink anyway and i didn't want to leave sara as the lone sober individual, so i kept not drinking. we played various half-assed games, the longest of which being Never Ever Have I Ever, watched brian's skydiviing video and the video of the piggyback races (hysterical cause jess and jessi fall at the end and jess screams), etc. Anyway, brian was being pretty tolerable, except he kept trying to kiss me and grab my ass. I was gratified that various people, including Jess, kept shooing him away. eventually, though he tried to put his hand somewhere else--which Ms. Lugo saw and did not say anything to, just looked away and LAUGHED--and i was like gah, i refuse to put up with this all night! i was just not feeling it, and i'm sorry, my mind is elswhere, at least in terms of men (mmmm dirk). so sara and i said our goodbyes and slipped away when brian and matt went out for pizza around midnight. i get like five calls from deconti begging me not to leave so i turn off my phone. apparently he ended up passing out on the lawn for an hour. quality.
today i talked to him, he didn't remember a whole lot of what happened. he asked me flat out if i'm not interested and i said right now no. he was not pleased, especially since i "led him on" by kissing him in the kitchen after he gave me my present. ok number one, kissing occurs in our group all the time and is not meant to lead anyone on, and number two, yeah i did it mostly bc i felt bad for him bc of khara being a bitch. it's not like i threw him down on a couch and jumped on him, it was like a minute and then i walked away. i apologized if he felt led on, but apparently he was/is still pissed. that makes me upset, because i like brian's company, but i'm sorry, i'm not doing anything i don't want to do, and i'm sorry if he expects more.
anyway, before the shadiness occurred brian gave us our gifts--a bronson arroyo tshirt for jessi, sex toys *cough* for me and heather (no we did NOT request these, this is brian being brian) and handcuffs for me. on a less dirty note, today rae gave me a gorgeous silver necklace with a green amber pendant! love my little wellesley girl!
today it was--shocker--back to sara's once again, this time for a lovely puerto rican dinner with my three best friends. heather had to leave early to return to the city, but me, sara and rae spent hours just sprawled in the living room talking, me wearing the luscious wine-colored blanket as a poncho (it was declared an excellent color on me and plans were made to buy me a pashmir something or other for christmas) and cuddling with rae, and sara knitting--again, shocker. as always, it felt so good. parting was hard, since we won't see each other for another month, but plans have been made to attend the northwest catholic football game on thanksgiving day!! this was actually suggested by me, since i haven't seen northwest people in a while (read: the hot guys). i have such wonderful friends. we are, in sara's term, "golden".
meanwhile, the smell of baking banana bread is driving me mad with desire! yes, this is what drives me mad with passion, not johnny depp, just pounds of rotten bananas mashed into pulp and baked in an oven. mmmmm.
Friday: Went to play lazer tag in milford with some of my friends--this place was way cooler than lazer quest, mostly because instead of the usual free-for-all, it was in teams with an actual point, getting the other team's base and protecting your own. Six college kids versus three 12 yr old boys--you think it'd be a no-brainer. unfortunately, since we didn't figure out the point of the game till the third one, before whihc we were defending the wrong place and not looking for theirs, we definitely lost all four. oh well. rematch!
upon returning here, we watched robin hood: men in tights and i got some birthday presents, which were all great (i got exceptionally excited over andrew's, which was a string tribute to APC cd, and meredith's bc she bought me philadelphia story on dvd! first person to ever recognize the cary obssession!) then wendy showed up with rob and neil in tow, and we proceeded to drink and play spin the bottle (what else?).
now, i should mention here that for the last few days, we've been consulting meredith's magic 8 ball regularly, especially on the topic of whether i would be getting some on my birthday, even more specifically whether or not it would be dirk. the 8 ball consistently said i would, but honestly, i didn't really believe it, because it's dirk and he doesn't really talk much less flirt. anyway, so we're in my room and dirk actually IMs me, saying he got my screen name from pete, and blatantly asks me if he can come over and if i want to make out with him (my response, attempting to be nonchalant, was "sure why not"). he actually did come over, i was shocked. i got a photo of him wearing sara's scarf lol. anyway long story short we ended up going back to his room at 230 bc carla came home and told me to "take the debaucheries elsewhere" lol.
however, dirk had forgotten his room key and steve had locked it, so he had to go find him. meanwhile im sitting on the floor outside his room and pete comes out of his room (where dirk had just been) and asked if that had been a hickey on his neck (wendy's fault not mine!). so i guess i let slip whose handiwork that was, and of course they were all like what!! and i was about to flee when steve re-appeared and unlocked the door and they all went away and we locked ourselves inside. twenty minutes later steve tried the door, and twenty minutes after that steve AND mark tried it, bc i went and looked and they were most definitely listening at the door. pervs. i ended up going back to my room around 3:30 (i so would have stayed, but i had to be on a bus at 9:30am). come to find out today from dirk that the guys were assuming that this would be an all-night thing, so they'd already woken up duffy and had him set up his futon for him lol.
may i say here that dirk, for all his seeming like this huge macho guy who might be an asshole when you get him alone with a girl, is like the biggest pussycat ever. compared to a guy like deconti, who is pushy and shall we say whiny even when sober, he was so respectful even though he was drunk. amazing. anyway so i get back to my room to a teasing message from mark about my current activities, leave a scrawled message about "SECRET MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE 8 BALL WAS RIGHT!!!" on meredith and amanda's door, and fell into a deep sleep.....that was not very deep bc i kept waking up every hour or so freaking out that i'd missed the bus. it was one of those nights.
Saturday: on the bus to nyc at 930, checked out some crappy avant garde galleries in chelsea and wandered around a street tag sale for a while waiting for heather, who had issues with the express train. what more fitting place for michelle and flanny to be reunited but at a tag sale, i ask you? it was totally a kodak moment, too, i was looking at these bags and then i see a flash of red out of the corner of my eye, turn, and find heather running into my arms at full speed. it was so crazy!! worlds collided! i expected sara and rae to be popping up out of manholes or out of sketchy chinese restaurants! wild times.
so i traverse the city back to heather's apartment (which is sweet, she has a balcony, but also some moochy suitemates who steal her food and booze) where i met susie, who is such a sweetheart and definitely such a good roommate for heather ( i never met her roomie last year, but susie just rocks even though she loves nicole ritchie lol)! so we chilled, then we went to chinatown to meet up with steven, whom i love and whom i always sort of forgot how cute he is until i see him and then im like damn, steve, why are you gay, except then i realize that a part of his total coolness is that he likes the menfolk, so it's all good. apparently i chose the luckiest day EVER to visit, feast of the autumn moon or something was going on and all the little chinese places were selling their food for a dollar, and let me tell you, being able to stuff yourself,--and i mean STUFF-- for three bucks in new york city is damn near unheard of.
after this we went to warehouse liquors, where steven bought me heather's bday gift (vodka!) and then we went back to heather's. now i had had a massively crazy night the night before, very little sleep, bus ride, wandering around a city for hours with a backpack and then a wild day, so i opted out of going to Heaven, th gay club. i knew i wouldn't make it past two am, and i didnt want to be that annoying friend who's whining "take me home!" when everyone else is having fun. luckily heather was ok with just chilling, so we hung out with these cool girls, diane and sandy (diane is friends with ioanna who goes here, small world), went grocery shopping in the wee hours of the morning, and walked around st. mark's place mocking the punk kids. in short, i had such an awesome time, all the way up to when i basically passed out in heather's bed "among the fabrics" as she says (bc it's heather, you know there's like ten crazy quilts, blankets and afghans up in there) and spooned a sexy little redhead.
Sunday: wake up next to heather, eat a carb-counter waffle (who comes up with these things), bid adieu to heather's friends and nyu and head over to grand central, where a tearful goodbye was said to my heterolifemate, except not really tearful cause i will so be seeing her friday night! uneventful ride home, pinky was nice enough to come get me at the station, and i was home at last. i do like the city, it appeals to my ADD (sparkly stuff everywhere!) but let's face it, i'm a suburban girl at heart, i like my peace and quiet and i hate people. lol. but what an awesome bday weekend this was! christ almighty! (thanked him en route to nyc for the dirk thing, the JC really came through)
I realized this year that i really didn't care about getting gifts, there really wasn't anything i wanted besides the book my mom DIDN'T send me bc she let jen buy it, but whatever. i appreciated everything i got, but coming home from lazertag i just felt so content, like my bday could have ended right there and it would have been great (of course it continued, and then it was just plain kickass, but still). i felt so lucky to have that many friends around to celebrate my bday, and that people called me and left me singing messages!!! :-) im so looking forward to this weekend too--seeing rae and sara, party at stoner's on saturday night for all us october gal's and also to say bye to deconti before he leaves for a three week business trip. and to see my kitties again!!! i miss sapphire and cinnie-mini, i worry that they'll be lonely when everyone's gone. yeah i'm a cat lover, deal.
anyway so this long-ass entry needs to end soon....but let me add there has been no shadiness with the guys, i've talked to all of them online this afternoon and im going over to watch a movie in a bit. talked to dirk too--we're both definitely up for round 2. mrow.
best birthday message ever. i love sean.