Musings

Wendy came over tonight and me, her and Carla spent a couple of hours talking about men, relationships, sex, and all that sort of girl talk. We're a strange collection of girls...Carla has never had a boyfriend and wants one badly, and she's not into the random hookup idea, she believes in waiting for someone truly special. Wendy is jaded, to use her own term, and I'm kind of middle-of-the-road. I'm not quite cynical but I'm definitely not naive anymore either. I lean more towards cynical because my personality has always had the practical/cynical bent to it. It was just a blend of perspectives, from wanting a relationship, to wanting out of a relationship, to wanting the possibilities of relationships without the responsibilities...everything that us girls experience, I guess.

It's hard to be patient at this age, no matter what direction you're coming from. It's hard for Carla to be patient waiting for a nice guy to go out with and to cuddle with when she's drunk (she has a song to this effect), and I know it's hard for some of my other friends to wait too. It's hard for Wendy to figure out where she wants certain things to go in her life, and to overcome all the bad things that have happened to her in relationships previously. Me...I guess it's just hard not knowing quite what I should want. Sometimes I think I should wait...but wait for what, exactly? Will some messenger descend from Olympus and pronounce me ready for a relationship? I've learned before that it's when you stop looking and make yourself ok with what you have, that's when you find something. So I'd have to reach the point of readiness--and then make myself not care. Yeah that sounds simple. So I go on, and I do what I want with who I want, which I have made my mantra. Dirk went home to go to a frat party this weekend and naturally, the thought crossed my mind--do I be jealous? Or do I wish him the best, because I know that I wouldn't let the thought of him stop me from making advances on a hot guy at a party (were I going to any this weekend). Purely out of politeness, I don't think it's a great idea to be carrying on more than one hookup at once, but dallying here or there is obviously not verboten. I just don't want to know about it! I didn't wish him the best in so many words, but I did advise him to watch out for Sean's mistake, that if he wound up in the woods with a Finnish nun, check for poison ivy before doing the deed.

Oh yes, that was another consideration, whether I should semi-jokingly urge him to lose his Vcard at the frat, like sean, so that I wouldnt have to worry about (as my friends so eloquently term it) 'taking his flower'. I decided no, simply because I don't want to have to worry about him getting crabs from some skanky Scandinavian (ah, alliteration!) and also because, on some consideration, it might not be a bad thing to be someone's first. Oh, the number of times Michelle changes her mind on things. It could make your head spin. Honestly, what might seem hypocrisy in some instances (like how vehemently I insisted I didn't want to have sex outside of a relationship) was more of me trying to convince myself that's how I felt, as if the more I said it and the more people I said it to, the better I would be able to control myself. Didn't quite work.

I suppose my change of heart (outwardly, at least) is partly due to the recent focus on S-E-X around here. Ever since Sean lost his virginity it's been the hot topic. Suddenly I'm not the only one marked with the scarlet A! It's really nice that we can all talk openly about it, but the more you think about something, especially something you want, the more you want it!

Also, I agree with Carla. Possibly the nicest aspect about boys is cuddling with them. That trumps making out in so many instances--there have been many times while making out with various guys that I would have been perfectly content to just stop and lie there cuddling. Men, of course, don't understand this at all and want to keep on with the action. Alas! But I enjoy it greatly. Men smell good. This is of course awkward/amusing when the good-smelling man in question is, for example, TJ. Or Neil, who wears quite delicious cologne, but I try not to show how much I enjoy that for fear he will mistake it for interest in him (he has made his willingness in that department clear, but I enjoy his company and that is all). Cuddling, handholding etc is usually the benefit of a relationship, but it's nice even outside of one. Just walking arm in arm with Mike B, who is one of my closest guy friends, is very comforting somehow. Holding hands with Dirk while watching TV is just as pleasant. Human contact in general is soothing for most people, I suppose (unless you're my roommate, who is not touchy-feely until she is drunk, and then her philosophy is "HOLD ME!"). Hugs all around, people.