Contrary to what my previous post might lead anyone to believe, I'm not a barely-functioning individual suffering a massive guilt complex, or someone who needs to be patted on the back and pitied. I've never wanted that, and indeed after my father's death I shrank from it. I've never felt the need to attend therapy and pour out my woes about my father. I can do that here. What do I need a therapist to tell me, that I feel guilty about my behavior toward my father? No shit. That I shouldn't feel guilty? Probably not, since I was just an adolescent who didn't care much about anyone besides herself. But true guilt is not a thing easily assuaged. I'm not depressed, and contrary to what so many people told my mother those years ago, I don't need antidepressants. My sister, yes, she definitely needs them. My mother was already on them from a previous tragedy. That doesn't mean it runs in the family. I'm not making myself out to be a pillar of strength in comparison to someone else's weakness, but I'm just not like them in that respect. I don't have post traumatic stress syndrome, while my sister does, which is ironic because i'm the one who saw him die, for christ's sake. i did have those recurring dreams a few years ago, that i wanted to believe my father had sent but which i know were just my subconscious telling me not to make the mistakes i made with my dad again with my mom. and i hope i don't. i try to understand my mother, i tell her i love her. i show my love for her in other ways too, like bringing her home her favorite cake from sofia's and buying her one nora roberts after another. so i'm not a basket case, or someone who needs to be felt sorry for. i think my father would be proud of me, of all i've accomplished. it does bring tears to my eyes when i think on how even more amazed he would have been at all i managed after his death. it makes me sad that he never saw me get all those stupid awards and graduate at the top of my class, that he never saw my AP grades, that he wasn't there to help teach me physics. it makes me sad when i look ahead and know that for all my life's accomplishments he won't be there. he won't see me graduate college or get my first job, my first apartment, or when i get married. but i know he loved me. he always told jen and i that we were going to grow up to be so much smarter than him, and though looking at my math skills i doubt whether that will ever be true, i know that was his way of showing how much he believed in us. my parents are responsible for the person that i am. they're the ones who read to me when i was little, who took me to the library all the time, who encouraged reading over watching television. my dad taught me to work hard. yes, he had a habit of yelling at us when we got a B or a C on something, which was a major conflict point for him and my sister i nthose last years, but from that I got a drive to be the best. and i still have that, it's not something i abandoned after he died. i hope it's not unhealthy, and sometimes i hav to remind myself that a B is a good grade, but it's generally a good thing to have.

so now i'm coming back to this four hours later, after dinner and gilmore girls and such, and i kind of lost the mood of whatever i was saying. suffice it to say that the emotions expressed in my previous post are not something that i'm feeling every five seconds. if that were true my life would truly suck. no, it's just that they're there, underneath the surface, and at certain points they pop up and i have to deal with them. i probably always will