i just came back from the wake for tommy's grandpa. i'm so exhausted, i felt my eyes about to close on the highway a few times. i made it back alright, obviously. it was very strange, i must say, not only because i didn't know his grandpa at all and there were all these people milling about that i had to be introduced to, but just because i hadn't been in a funeral home since my dad died, and it really brought it all back, which was just lovely, as you might imagine. however, the priest came in to say some prayers at the end of calling hours, and he said some things which i wish someone had said in front of me four years ago. the thing i liked best was this: "the bonds of friendship you knit in life are not unraveled in death." he also made the point that finding a person or a group of people to love is the most important thing in this life, and when he said that i looked at wendy who was sitting on my right and then tommy sitting on my left and i thanked god that they were two of the people i had found to care about and who care about me. also included in this are my family and of course my friends, who know who they are. "eternally grateful" only begins to describe the happiness of someone who has been blessed with true friends.

about this love thing, though...i get frustrated. i can tell a girl i love her because we're friends, because we care about each other, and it's easy to say. i can tell my guy friends (albeit infrequently) that i love them and it's not as easy cause they're men but i can say it without feeling weird. yet when it comes to tommy, who is definitely a friend, who definitely cares a lot about me and who i care so much about, it's so hard to say it because immediately it has a different connotation because we're dating. we agreed the other night that neither of us is ready to say we're in love, even though we really care about each other, and while i wish i could just tell him i love him and mean it (for the moment) simply in the sense that i love him like i love everyone that i'm close to, somehow that just doens't seem....ok. his grandpa passed away, and when i hugged him i just instinctively wanted to say 'i love you', because that's what i would say to wendy or rae or james or tj or any of my other friends if, god forbid, the same thing was happening to them, but i didn't. argh.

watching tommy today, it struck me that even though i didn't know his grandfather at all, i do know that he must have been so incredibly proud to have him as a grandson. it makes me sad that he feels like his parents don't really approve of him or appreciate him. tommy really is special...no, not just special, he's amazing. i haven't felt this way about someone in a long time, and i'm glad it's him. god am i glad it's him.