Sara squarepants: you'll always have our love
the lazarus cat: thanks
Sara squarepants: just think of a little me, sitting on your keyboard
Sara tells me that someday I'll find that "missing piece", like she did with Pat, and then it'll be ok, and I'll understand why things were the way they were. I told her how I generally push thoughts of him out of my head and refuse to think of him because it hurts, whereas she prefers to "ruminate" on things. I think I know what my missing piece is, I know it but I don't feel it.
In the beginning of the movie Practical Magic, the two little girls watch their aunts performing a spell for a desperately lovesick woman. A bird has to be sacrificed for this, and the girls watch in horror. One of the little girls, soon to be Sandra Bullock, whispers "I never want to fall in love." The other, soon to be Nicole Kidman, whispers back "I can't wait to fall in love." I used to be one of those little girls, now I suppose I'm more the other. It's not that I'm a cynic who doesn't believe in love--all I have to do is think of Rae and AJ, the happiest couple I know. Love is very real. However, the practical side of me is the side that's tired of love, the side that says alright, we've tried this a few times, hasn't quite worked out--let's focus on something else now, please. I'm young and it's a big world. I'm sure there's plenty of heartbreak in my future, but why invite it in?
My friends said that one of my flaws was not expressing my emotions, the more complex ones, anyway. It's true to some extent, but it's also true that some friends know more about those emotions than others. I've never been an open book, what can I say. Actually, this journal has been the most faithful record of my emotions. When I go back and read it I can trace so much of how I felt through the years (yes years, it'll be three years this winter).
Also, I noticed recently that I do use my sarcasm as a defense mechanism sometimes (what a cliche!) It's not very often, but when I feel vulnerable I tend to do it. Like how I'm much more sarcastic with Pete and the guys than I am with my other friends, even the boys, because after all I'm the only girl and the outsider, and they're all sarcastic anyway. I also tend to be very sarcastic with Dirk, probably because I'm doing everything I can to avoid all the complications of...whatever. Whether or not this is a good course of action, only time will tell, and I'm sure you'll have your own opinion.
Right now I can imagine absolutely nothing better than being curled up watching movies with Heather and Rae in the Flanagan's living room, eating Mama Flanagan's brownies and snuggling and talking. Sara, you will be missed over vacation, but we all know love doesn't diminish over the miles, even in Jersey. You'll still be one of the things I'm so very thankful for.
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