weird weird weird weird WEIRD. tomorrow morning i am leaving this place, and i know i should go to bed because i'm getting up early to eat breakfast with meredith but i can't, i don't want to sleep, i don't want to wake up because then it will all well and truly be over. wendy's stuff is all gone and our little room is so sad. tonight will be the only night ever that i will go to sleep being able to see the ceiling, since our beds are no longer bunked. lotta fun getting those apart--greg really did a number on them when we moved in. i had that strange feeling of missing him again tonight, probably because he was here when i moved in, he saw how sterile it was when i first unlocked the door, and now it's back to that way again. so i called, and we talked for a while, and it was fun.

hm, tonight must have been have-fun-with-exes night--andrew and i had a war in the hallway, me with my deadly dart gun and him with that pathetic bow and arrow. he's going to be bruised tomorrow, baby. it was ironic in that it kind of proved that he and i can actually get along when we're not drunk, as opposed to what he observed tuesday night when we were stumbling around the halls together. anyway that was a lot of fun.

we also all went out to see "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" tonight, which was a good movie and one that got me thinking about memories and regrets and all that. i came to the quick conclusion that i wouldn't erase anyone--andrew was actually the first thing that came to mind, but then i realized i would lose what i learned from that, namely don't date sketchy clingy cubans! i had the fleeting thought of greg, but i know that there were just too many good times there for me to ever want to erase it. too much happiness. the last half of high school would have been dramatically different for me if i hadn't been with him, and probably not for the better. in the movie they tell the people whose memories are being erased that they have to bring in every single thing they have that reminds them of the person--thinking about that later i was like holy shit, no way could i manage that. i'm a fucking pack rat. i save everything, for the express purpose of being reminded of things when i poke through them later. plus i'd have to give up my tool hoodie, huggy the bear, the tool tshirt i am currently wearing....(that purple heart candle though, i'd give that up real fast). how crazy is it that i still have a nametag that says "GREG" stuck on my wall at home? that i still have a miniature prom picture on my bookshelf? seven months and three boyfriends later, and there's still remnants, everywhere. i remember seeing on his site something about how he was tempted to gather up everything that reminded him of me and throw it out or burn it, but he didn't, and i'm glad he didn't. i wouldn't have.

alright enough about old flames...michelle misses current flame. i miss a lot of people right now, wendy, tj, sean, popham, etc, so at least i'm a little used to missing tommy. no, nevermind that really doesn't make me feel any better. i might be able to see him monday or so. this weekend's going to suck, going up to MA for graduation, all that family, then jen's little pal coming home with us, everyone asking me about college and me just desperately wanting to come back, to open the door to campion 425 and find wendy, half dressed, straightening her hair or lying on my bed with baby bop, to come back to my friends here and my freedom here and my life. i never realized it would be this hard to leave. jesus. how hard will it be to graduate? i don't even want to know. i just want to STAY.

weird weird weird weird WEIRD. tomorrow morning i am leaving this place, and i know i should go to bed because i'm getting up early to eat breakfast with meredith but i can't, i don't want to sleep, i don't want to wake up because then it will all well and truly be over. wendy's stuff is all gone and our little room is so sad. tonight will be the only night ever that i will go to sleep being able to see the ceiling, since our beds are no longer bunked. lotta fun getting those apart--greg really did a number on them when we moved in. i had that strange feeling of missing him again tonight, probably because he was here when i moved in, he saw how sterile it was when i first unlocked the door, and now it's back to that way again. so i called, and we talked for a while, and it was fun.

hm, tonight must have been have-fun-with-exes night--andrew and i had a war in the hallway, me with my deadly dart gun and him with that pathetic bow and arrow. he's going to be bruised tomorrow, baby. it was ironic in that it kind of proved that he and i can actually get along when we're not drunk, as opposed to what he observed tuesday night when we were stumbling around the halls together. anyway that was a lot of fun.

we also all went out to see "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" tonight, which was a good movie and one that got me thinking about memories and regrets and all that. i came to the quick conclusion that i wouldn't erase anyone--andrew was actually the first thing that came to mind, but then i realized i would lose what i learned from that, namely don't date sketchy clingy cubans! i had the fleeting thought of greg, but i know that there were just too many good times there for me to ever want to erase it. too much happiness. the last half of high school would have been dramatically different for me if i hadn't been with him, and probably not for the better. in the movie they tell the people whose memories are being erased that they have to bring in every single thing they have that reminds them of the person--thinking about that later i was like holy shit, no way could i manage that. i'm a fucking pack rat. i save everything, for the express purpose of being reminded of things when i poke through them later. plus i'd have to give up my tool hoodie, huggy the bear, the tool tshirt i am currently wearing....(that purple heart candle though, i'd give that up real fast). how crazy is it that i still have a nametag that says "GREG" stuck on my wall at home? that i still have a miniature prom picture on my bookshelf? seven months and three boyfriends later, and there's still remnants, everywhere. i remember seeing on his site something about how he was tempted to gather up everything that reminded him of me and throw it out or burn it, but he didn't, and i'm glad he didn't. i wouldn't have.

alright enough about old flames...michelle misses current flame. i miss a lot of people right now, wendy, tj, sean, popham, etc, so at least i'm a little used to missing tommy. no, nevermind that really doesn't make me feel any better. i might be able to see him monday or so. this weekend's going to suck, going up to MA for graduation, all that family, then jen's little pal coming home with us, everyone asking me about college and me just desperately wanting to come back, to open the door to campion 425 and find wendy, half dressed, straightening her hair or lying on my bed with baby bop, to come back to my friends here and my freedom here and my life. i never realized it would be this hard to leave. jesus. how hard will it be to graduate? i don't even want to know. i just want to STAY.

Ok, so blogger has a new format now when you sign in. weird. it informed me that i have made 473 posts on this blog since its inception, which is cool.

tomorrow i have exams in history and art history. my hand will want to die after that six hours of writing writing writing. blah. at least in AH i enjoy what i'm writing about, though. well, my mathematical career is now completely over (i took a knife to my textbook, but it wasnt too sharp, so stabbing it repeatedly only penetrated the first ten pages or so. i'll try again tuesday) and after tomorrow, so too will my history one be! muahaha.

tommy's back from emmaus! it's corny, yes, but i missed him in the approximately two and a half days i didn't get to talk to him one way or another. i'm such a girl.

heather got a gold necklace from zales as a make-up gift from a guy she's not even dating. i told her how ironic it was that not a single one of her friends had gotten something that nice from any of their boyfriends lol. she informed me that this is what comes from "dating up" (but she was kidding, naturally).

just a few days left now. how strange is that. i can't bear to pack up the rest of my things until at least wednesday, and i'm not taking my posters down until thursday, if at all possible...i don't want to wake up in a bare room. tuesday night's going to be great, i've never been drunk with tj before! i think he will be a fun drunk like me and sean. he's buying sean a bottle of amaretto, just for him, so he can make his amaretto sours. i asked my mom over the phone if i could give sean the bottle of amaretto we've got and never use, and she was like "WHAT! i do not give alcohol to minors! what's wrong with your friends!" i was kind of testing her out, i must say...i'm really not sure if she thinks i drink or not, or if she would be really upset about it. she didn't seem to care when jen revealed she'd drunk at school, and she generally considers me more responsible than jen, but i don't know. i'll have to hide my shot glasses when i go home, she bought them for me bc i said that "a friend of wendy's wants some". i mean, come on, is that at all a plausible reason for me to be buying shot glasses? but she didn't say anything! maybe she thinks i like drinking out of them cause they're cute. the littlest one i have i got from my grandma when i was little bc i thought it was so adorable. i had no idea what it was. my grandpa uses shot glasses in the bathroom to take pills with lol.

wendy and i made some more interesting lists tonight...including one of guys each of us is not allowed to have sex with lol. i took a permanent marker and wrote four sets of initials on each of our smiley-face condoms. we've decreed that the Sacred Smile Condoms may only be used for someone whose initials are now permanently branded onto the packaging. well one set of initials on each is AF, which is NOT andrew, but "anyone famous" lol. right now that little bitch is trying to steal my bed. AND my mouse! nooooooo! i attacked her with the hair straightener--again--but i was unsuccessful in removing her. she's like a fungus. a big, blonde, cute fungus with "a perfect nose" and nice legs. grrr.

oh, and i just realized that my Poems file on my computer, which i started once i got to fairfield, reached sixty pages tonight. i've been a prolific little bastard this year. they're not all good, but there are some i just love. i think this is my favorite poem that i've ever written:

What I Really Meant to Tell You


I just wanted you to know
that the words that came
out of my mouth today
weren’t at all what I wanted you to hear.
In place of “Excuse me,”
I meant to tell you that your eyes
are the exact shade of blue
that El Greco used for the robe of God
In his famous Day of Judgement,

and if you heard me say
“Could you pass me a straw?”
what I actually said was that
I wish that I could sit by you
and write endless poems
about the grace of your hands.

Also, when I said “good-bye”, I meant it,
but next to that last e was a single,
silent declaration of my love,
(in case you didn’t hear).

yes i've posted it before, but i do love it. it was pretty early, it's only on page 15 lol. ironically, this was kind of inspired by TFB, after i brushed into him in the cafeteria and did not say any of the wonderful things i could have said to entice/entrap him. then i thought he was gay, and i stopped liking him anyway, but i still loved the poem, and then i discovered he is in fact not gay, and now the poem seems a bit ironic to me, but who cares, i still love it!

i called greg back tonight. we actually ended up talking for almost an hour, about random stuff. i hadn't realized how much i missed the sound of his voice until then, it's very soothing. i go back and forth on this, i know, but tonight i miss being friends.

tonight, tommy read me a speech that he's giving this weekend at an emmaus retreat. part of it was a story about how he always used to be angry at his dad when he was younger and even hated him, and only now started to realize that who his dad is as a person. apparently part of the retreat is that when the kids get there they get letters their parents have written for them, and the one tommy's dad wrote for him when he went made him break down and cry because it made him realize how much his dad loved him. i told him he was very lucky to have reached that point, especially at this age....and i suddenly really wanted to cry, but i didn't feel like breaking into tears in the hallway.

it always hurts to hear about the turning points other people have with their parents, at various stages in their lives. especially with their fathers. it just drives home for the millionth time that i will never have that. our relationship ended with the anger, with the arguing, with the complete lack of understanding. our relationship ended on the floor of my parents' bedroom, or at least his half of it did, because i'm still here, i'm still thinking about him and wishing....i wish so many things, none of them possible. i wanted to tell tommy that i hoped that he took that letter from his dad and put it somewhere where he will always have it, no matter what happens. i didn't think i could say it without crying. i wonder if he knows that i would give almost anything to have a letter like that from my dad...and now i'm crying, and i think i'm waking wendy up.

the argument could be made that what i can't have with my dad i can always have with my mom, but i don't know. i can talk to my mom, i know she's proud of me, i understand her as a person much more than i did four years ago, much more than i ever understood my dad. but, for better or for worse, my dad was the most powerful influence in my life. we were alike, we made each other laugh. my mom and i are not that similar....i don't know, i can't help it. there's just this huge sense in me that if things could have been put right, with everything, if somehow i could have flashed forward to some utopian future, what a relationship we might have had! but there's no use daydreaming about that, is there.

how ironic that just the other day i was musing about how i haven't been thinking about him much since his anniversary. i actually remember thinking that i hadn't cried in a while--well i'm making up for lost time now. how utterly ironic that they thought there was something wrong with me, after he died, because no one ever saw me cry. i barely ever cried, for a few years. maybe it's because i've gained perspective; i see it all from so many angles now. back then i had just lost a father figure whom i often disliked, which is bad enough in itself, but four years later he's become so much more, full of depth and history and all the things i never had a chance to know. four years later i'm still discovering what i lost that day, and with every revelation i grieve more and more for what i'll never have. loss is supposed to grow dimmer over the years, but for me it seems to grow more acute, especially on nights like tonight, when i hear the happiness in the voice of someone who has reached a milestone with their dad that i can never hope to achieve, in this life.

and the final irony of all this? i start crying on the night we run out of tissues. beautiful.

i want to write but i don't know what to say. how do you turn tears into words?

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.


~Pablo Neruda

One Hundred Interesting Questions And One Boring One
a survey by Adam Bertocci
---
It's a long survey, but filled with the kinds of questions you won't see anywhere else. Be honest and send it to all your friends, and who knows what you'll learn!

YOUR NAME
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name?
I??ve learned not to answer this, because it makes my site Google-able. MMD.
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been?
Michael
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you?
No, I??d probably name a boy after my dad, and a girl, who knows.
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with?
Meredith
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
DiMarz-i-o
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)?
Hell no, I like my last name.

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
Not really. I feel like truly evil people should be punished, but the majority of people are not bad enough to deserve eternal torment, even if they don??t confess their sins or attend services.
(8) Do you think God has a gender?
Not really. I usually put God in the male gender in my own mind simply because I was raised in a patriarchal religion. I find the traditional image of god as the guy with the flowing beard to be comforting, even if it may be inaccurate. Humans need something they can relate to when they think of God.
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion?
Not really. For me, the complexity of life has always been one of the greatest proofs of the existence of God, even though for some it is the greatest argument against it. Science has never explained what there was before the Big Bang, after all. Something cannot come from nothing.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion?
No. I believe in a lot of what the major religions have in common, but it??s the trappings and rituals that I dislike, and also their determination to nitpick until they??ve come up with a codified reaction to every little thing in life.
(11) Where do you think we go when we die?
I??m not sure. Hopefully, to heaven.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section?
Not at all, I think about them a lot.

HUMOR
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh?
Pretty easy ??
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most?
Probably heather, my crazy ghetto girl
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't?
Of course.
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't?
Of course!
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile?
Um?Kcan??t think of any
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written?
One of those things that rae uses for her away messages?Kbut I forgot what it said?KI just know that I read it one day and cracked up, I??d completely forgotten that I??d ever said it.

MUSIC
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching?
Cough. Yes.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard?
A lot of rap songs, a lot of death metal, and a lot of country.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better?
A lot of Tool songs lol
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head?
NIN: Perfect Drug, Incubus: I Miss You, A Perfect Circle: The Stranger, Elliot Smith: Say Yes
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best?
Hm?KI don??t know. Probably an APC song.
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use?
Incubus: I Miss you, Hoobastank: The Reason, Incubus: I wish you were here
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used?
Anything they thought appropriate

MOVIES
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to?
Hmm?K.a lot of old cary grant movies, and old movies in general. Like ??M??, which is a black and white German film starring Peter Lorre as this creepy child murderer. Possibly only sean shares my taste in movies.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original?
Usually, yes.
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character?
I was in love with Han Solo.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of?
I miss the old screwball comedies, which were what Cary Grant tended to star in. they were quick-paced, witty, and just fun to watch. They really don??t make many movies like that anymore.
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of?
Anything akin to the Farrelly brothers, with lots of bodily humor gags.

FOOD
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness?
taste
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese?
Mozzarella or american
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality?
Um, that I??m Italian AND American, duh.
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it?
Yes, I usually have faith in the FDA.
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat?
Not really, animals were meant to be eaten. I do wish they were treated more humanely, though, that turns my stomach.

COMPUTERS
(36) Mac or PC?
PC

(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works?
Not too much
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation?
It depends who I??m talking to. Sometimes, yes.
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone?
Well, you have more of a chance to think about what you??re going to say over the computer.
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later?
No.

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender?
Yes, a lot of the time it just seems men have it easier.
(42) What do you love most about the other gender?
How they smell (if they smell good, anyway)
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender?
How stupid, insensitive, and mean they can be
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender?
How they don??t mind not having the kind of close relationships that girls do.

CELEBRITIES
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it?
Oh hells yes.
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most?
Johnny Depp??s
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who?
Some people at Sofia??s said I look like Anne Hathaway, but she??s kinda more English looking than I am.
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)?
Oh, Catherine zeta jones, definitely. In looks, of course.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why?
no
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter?
Johnny Depp??s, and I would think ??Damn I am SO HOT!??

(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich?
Not at all

NUMBERS
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69?
No
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question?
no
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number?
Yes, since it??s my school id
(55) Do you actually know your IP address?
nope
(56) Do you know what an IP address is?
Internet?K.um?Kprovider? I know it??s the individual address of your computer on the net
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code?
no
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives?
Yes, quite
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.?
no
(60) What do you think of pi?
I think that I??m reading a book right now called ??Life of Pi??, except it??s not about the number.

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title?
no
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?
Kind of bad knowing that I??d be making someone unhappy, but you have to be true to yourself.
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"?
Getting to know them a bit
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member?
Sure, why not

(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?
Whoever said it wasn??t socially acceptable? Most of the guys I??ve ever dated I??ve asked out myself. Men are pussies.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
Not good. I don??t want to have random sex, though I may occasionally daydream about it. I??d like to know that I love my partner and that he loves me.
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Briefly, and then, well, it didn??t go too well.
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking?
Yes, for the most part
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last?
Well I wouldn??t quite be giving it up, since I??ve never had it, so sure.
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence?
I wasn??t paying attention.

POSSESSIONS
(71) What is your favorite possession?
The Mouse with No Name
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most?
A corvette
(73) How badly do you want it?
Well, not badly enough to kill for it, I can wait
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'?
yes
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section?
Not very long, I??m a bright one!

HOLIDAYS
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you?
Incredibly so
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older?
Sometime in my early thirties
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?
I liked being a pirate this year
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had?
I remember being a pumpkin once when I was very little. Thanks mom.
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning?
thanksgiving
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there?
National Read A Goddamned Book Day, for all those lazy teenagers who never read anything past the comics.

MEMORIES
(82) How good is your short-term memory? For most things, good, but for faces not good at all.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? Fairly good, but I forget some things
(84) What is your earliest memory? Probably my first day of kindergarten, reporting to my grandparents over the phone about the bus ride
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than recieving this survey)?
I have a lot of them?Kright now I??m thinking of Tommy
(86) What is your strangest memory?
I don??t know?K.
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize?
Pirates!

TEARS
(88) What movie makes/made you cry?
Lilo and Stitch is probably the only cartoon movie that??s ever made me cry
(89) What book makes/made you cry? ??The Lovely Bones??, ??Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix??
(90) What song makes/made you cry?
I??ve never heard any.
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried?
A lot of my friends

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned?
NOOOOOOOO
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it?
Uh, no. I??d be scared shitless.
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
What?

THIS SURVEY
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long?
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting?
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out?
(98) What question do you wish it had asked?
(99) How would you have answered it?
(I??m not answering any of these. They are pointless.)

THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them?
A few days at least, I haven??t really talked to my friends from home or family lately, and my friends here don??t generally do the ??I love you?? thing.

(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know?
I do love you guys, I hope you always know that.

so i thought, having little else to do, that i would render a more accurate description of last night's events, which were really quite enjoyable up until coming back to the dorm.

around 10:30 wendy and i went to her friend kate's room in loyola to help her get rid of her alcohol, except she had just gone out and bought a handle of baccardi O and a bottle of baccardi razz, which kind of defeated the purpose but whatever. we had to keep the noise down because her RA was on duty with the door open next door. it was all people i knew except for one or two, everyone was really cool--oh, and TFB was there. yes, dear tfb, whom i adored all of first semester but then thought was gay. yeah he's not gay--he's hooked up with kate twice and she reported him to be a good kisser. he was kind of flirting with me while we were there, and told me straight out he was sad we hadn't met before because i was really cool (yes i pretended not to know who he was at all-cough). then we all piled onto the couch for a photograph, and he snuggled right close up to me and then didn't leave when everyone else did. wendy was pretty drunk by this time and was snuggling on the other side so he said he was "balancing her out". uhuh. i didn't really care, he wasn't trying to be sketchy. anyway at one point this girl emily i met a couple of weeks ago in regis was laughing bc wendy was trying to kiss me, and i assured her that even though she was my new V-team best friend i didnt want to kiss her, to which TFB responded, "well, would you kiss me?". jesus christ. i was thinking "goddammit, if this had happened three months ago i would have been all over you in a second, my friend", but of course what i said was "no, i have a boyfriend, i'm sorry". he looked properly disappointed, of course. i wouldn't trade tommy for anyone, don't get the idea that suddenly i'm regretting being attached, it was just the utter irony of the moment--a former crush i had given up on as gay, hitting on ME. hahaha. oh well, good to know at least i'm not a loser and just couldn't get him.

anyway so we all played never ever have i ever, which is a mightily fun game, and great to play in a room full of people who've done morally ambiguous things in their lives. i don't really know how much alcohol i had, it was baccardi O and sprite in lovely margarita glasses. baccardi O is pretty low proof. anyway apparently wendy had had a lot more than me, because i was suprised at how drunk she was acting, since i know her tolerance level is much higher. eventually we had to get back to the dorm, which was not fun at all. luckily i spotted TJ as we were exiting Loyola and he helped me get her into campion, even though he was kind of drunk as well (after only four beers lol).

unfortunately, when wendy got back she insisted on going to hang out with the guys, so we went first to pete's room and then to jd's. pete followed us there and, in joking around trying to make me leave, hit me in the chest, and i was like oh no you didnt biotch. steve walked in right then, steve always tries to control pete a little, and i jokingly said oh, pete hit me! then wendy had to go to the bathroom, and when i got back i saw steve lecturing pete in the hallway, all i heard was "you HIT her?!?!" and i was like oh shit, i was just kidding, he didnt hurt me or anything, but steve made him apologize to me anyway. i felt kind of bad. pete was drunk and high, a wonderful combination. anyway it was soon evident that wendy just needed to go to our room; unfortunately RA rob spotted her moving rather unevenly down the hallway--or maybe it was me chasing her saying "wendy! stop"--and followed us to our room, where wendy tried to unsuccessfully tell him from my bed that she hadn't drunk anything. he pulled me outside to ask me about it, and i really didnt know. ironically, thanks to the gum i chewed before leaving, he assured me he knew i was not involved. i was like, umm....ok....i was drunk, but not past a point where i couldn't walk, talk and think normally when required. anyway he didnt write her up, he was just concerned. i was pretty scared myself, never having really seen her this drunk before. i was contemplating taking her to the health center, but i asked mark's advice online and he said she would be ok as long as she wasnt having trouble breathing or making strange noises. so i put her to bed in my bed, and then stayed up till 430 reading tom clancy because i refused to go up on the top bunk with any trace of alcohol still in my system. i survived the night, somehow. i was worried id wake up and try to sswing my legs over the side, but i didn't.

anyway that was my night. it was pretty good for the most part, i had a lot of fun in loyola. i missed tommy so much, though. weirdly, i was watching fuse today and Eminem was on, and he reminded me of tommy in his sense of humor. i never really knew eminem had much of one, but apparently he does, who would have guessed.

this entry is being written while still intoxicated. the situation is basically that a very drunk wendy has been put to bed in MY bed, therefore i must sleep on her bed tonight. problem? michelle is afraid of heights, therefore i refuse to go up there until im absolutely certain i'm sober. then at least i stand a slightly smaller chance of falling and dying. i don't care if it takes till five am, seriously. our RA, rob, followed us down the hallway because he said it seemed wendy was experiencing a lack of motor skills. he beckoned me out of the room to inquire after her health. despite the serious nature of the moment, i couldnt help but feel ironically amused when he assured me that he knew i was fine. i was like, gee, thank heaven for Dentyne Ice and TJ, the former for ridding myself of Baccardi O smell and the latter for helping me get wendy into campion, even though he himself was slightly drunk. or so he said. maybe he was really drunk, bc i recall something about him joking to wendy about the two of them making out and i was like whoa, she maybe be drunk but im not that drunk, be careful buddy, and he just laughed. or that's just tj. i would really like to sober up now.

and i just remembered, the second poem was actually to go along with the gift we did give fitz that year for xmas--a guide to bartending, and a miniature "Dating For Dummies". yeah, i'm nice to my teachers.

going through some old poetry files, what did i come across but the two spectacular pieces i produced to mock our dear Fitz during junior year. ah, memories. incidentally we were just discussing AP US history here this afternoon, amid much talk of ACTs and SATS and the NY Regions, which just sound so incredibly pointless. anyway they made me crack up. the xmas one is definitely my favorite (plus it has much better meter lol); do you guys remember how mr kaplan brought his class down to hear it, and then did a dramatic reading of it for all of us? that was great. i kinda miss fitz. yes i'm blocking out all the asshole moments, and his current treatment of flanny's little sister, but i can't help it, he was overall of the most amusing teachers i've ever encountered. for anyone who's never read this before, believe it or not Fitz actually asked me to write another one, which is why there's a "Christmas" version lol. in fact he wanted me to do another one at the end, to finish the year with a bang, but i couldn't come up with anything good.

The Ballad of Fitz
~composed one day eighth period while being bored to tears
by the Fitz-Steve mating dance


What a strange little man
Is that roly-poly Fitz—
Just when you think he might have brains,
He once again proves that he’s just a ditz

His supply of bad jokes
Are rarely PC,
And his short attention span
Makes us wonder if he has ADD

He’ll taunt and he’ll jest
To avoid starting class—
Do you ever have the urge
To knock him on his Irish ___?

We know he’s into sports,
And all the beer, good lord-
Is that all this guy can do
Whenever he gets bored?

Despite his charms he’s single,
And though you may not believe,
He’s found his soul mate in our very class—
In the person of a young man named Steve.

We all think that they form
An admirable pair—
One small, short and wiry,
One larger, and losing his hair.

From the back we watch
This male-dominated little zoo,
And if we wish someone would put us out of our misery,
Don’t blame us- so would you!

Because the over-powering chauvinism
Gets tiring, you see;
That’s why my most frustrating class
Is AP US History.

The Christmas Fitz: Close Encounters of the Santa Kind

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a Fitzpatrick was stirring—he was drunk on whiskey stout.

A six-pack of beer was hidden in the kitchen with care
In hopes that his friends wouldn’t find it there.

He had collapsed onto the sofa on the way to his bed,
As what would soon become a hangover danced in his head.

After all the whiskey—and two beers for a nightcap—
Fitz had settled himself down for a long winter’s nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Fitz opened bloodshot eyes to shout- “What the hell’s the matter?”

He rose from the couch at a pace a snail would scoff
To teach the stranger not to bother someone who’s been sleeping it off

He leaned out the window into the falling snow,
Middle finger all ready for the person below

When what to his red-rimmed eyes should appear
But two red sleighs and sixteen reindeer!

One half of the image seemed to flicker;
And then he remembered- “Oh, all the liquor!”

A noise from behind made him quickly spin ‘round
As down from the Chimney came St. Nick with a bound

He straightened his red suit as Fitz stood in awe,
The swept off all the soot with one burly paw.

Then came a sound that it pained Fitz to hear—
‘twas the sound of old Santa opening his beer.

He stood there sadly as the precious stuff was guzzled
And through it all couldn’t help but be puzzled

“Santa,” he asked as good St. Nick downed the last,
“I’m glad you’re here but why haven’t you come in the past?”

Santa let out a loud belch and replied,
“My boy, I’m not here for your sorry hide!

“Your mother always called you the little bad seed,
and I can’t remember the last time you did a good deed;

“You give too many quizzes and you’re rarely sober—
Why, you even laughed when you ran that dog over!

“If it were up to me I’d not spare you a glance,”
he continued as he hitched up his red pants,

“But apparently there’s some who don’t share my view,
out of those you teach, you might know who.

“This group of girls sent me a note
Which said, and here I quote:

“Dear Santa, this is something you need to hear—
We know you won’t be visiting Fitz this year

Because all year long he hasn’t been the best
And there’s hard multiple choice on his damn tests;

And he has strange habits and acts like a nut
And he had that pic of Harrison as a mutt!

And we know Michelle sent you that other little request
For a pile of reindeer droppings to wind up on his desk,

But we’re asking, just to show that we don’t resent,
For you to deliver to him our present.”

The handwriting was all done with flowery curls,
And it was signed at the bottom, “The Eighth Period Girls”

Thus Santa brought his little tale to an end
And pulled out the package they had asked him to send

He threw it to Fitz, who caught it with a grin,
Wondering what could possibly be within.

“Santa,” he asked, “ how can I repay—?”
But Santa cut him off—“ Just give those girls an A!”

He sprang to his sleigh and grabbed the whip
Before pulling out his flask for one last sip.

Then Santa shouted down as the sleigh flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to Fitz, and to all a good night!”

~Thought of but not composed in class this time

talking to tommy last night made me feel really good. i had to express my surprise that he was sober on a thursday, to which he replied that they're really hardly ever drunk on weeknights, which i raised my eyebrows at but whatever. not that i'm getting my hopes up or anything, but he mentioned that he and dan might take another car trip next wednesday.....to fairfield. i realllllllllly want him to, even though they wouldn't be able to stick around that long, i don't care. ten minutes of seeing him would be worth it....he told me it'd be worth driving four hours just to see me for ten minutes too. :-) i don't even have a single exam till next saturday. all of next week is just studying and writing my english paper. i think i can work in a brief boyfriend study break. oh and he was wearing a black shirt tonight. dear god. he promised he'd wear it if he comes here on wednesday. tommy--in---black. yummy. how will i ever make him leave?

time for the last math class i will ever attend IN MY LIFE. exxxxxxxcellent.

ow, my head hurts. lot of drama tonight. the last few weeks of school are stressful enough without all this added shit. something's got to be done, i just don't know what.

tommy called me tonight as he and his friend dan were driving around aimlessly. he calls me back later to tell me that they're in ALBANY. marist is in poughkeepsie, two hours away. *shakes head*. i love how being a girl means the doubts begin to assail you almost immediately. i'm not even going to give voice to them here because i know they're baseless or just things i can't judge yet.

it's weird because this is basically uncharted territory for me. i've never started a relationship before with someone who i didn't know previously or see a lot of. his computer's out of commission right now and we can't see each other that often, so we text message and talk on the phone. i'm not huge into talking on the phone anyway, cell phones can be so annoying, and god knows i send too many text messages! so i'm trying to figure out how this is supposed to work, practically speaking, beyond all the cutesy stuff. i'm working on it, i really am lol.

oh yes and i'm planning to get spectacularly drunk this weekend. ok not spectacularly in the manner of some fabulous new york ladies i know cough cough, but michelle-fabulously-drunk which means hysterical giggling and exchanging random historical facts with pinky. hehehe.

it's the last week of classes. i want them to be over just because bleh, classes, yet i desperately don't want to have to leave all this. sigh.

i also miss tommy, enormously. it's not like i can't do this, i know i can. i really want to be with him. it's just hard, walking around campus seeing all these little happy couples walking around holding hands, knowing that it'll be pretty rare for me to get to do that. part of me was like "dammit michelle, couldn't you have just fallen for someone who went to your own school?" but then i look around and realize that no one here is quite like tommy, and i know he's the one i want. but it doesn't really make loneliness much better.

when you first start dating someone, there's like this month-long 'honeymoon' period where everything is just absolutely amazing and you just can't wait to see them and every time you do you get little butterflies in your stomach. after that the butterflies kind of stop because you fall into a pattern, more or less, and you get used to one another, or at least that's how it works when you see the other person a lot, which has always been my experience. so now i'm wondering if this whole honeymoon thing will just be extended for me and tommy because we won't be around each other all the time, like the newly dating so often are. and is this a good thing? a bad thing? i really don't know. it's not like i'm blind to the things i don't like, which would just manifest themselves after the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. i don't like that he's drunk during the week, i really don't. be drunk on weekends, whatever, who cares, but when you've got class it's just stupid. i don't really like talking to him when he's drunk, or when he's in a roomful of people, because it's weird to be this one person sitting in a quiet room competing with the voices of a bunch of other loud drunks. it reminded me of what greg used to do, when we'd be on the phone talking and i'd feel like he was ignoring me because he was talking to his friends online. if it really bothers me i'll say something, i won't let it be like last time, when i just kept ignoring it and ignoring it till i got irrationally angry over a single occurrence. yeah. learn from past mistakes.

last night was really wonderful. tommy asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes. wendy realized what had happened when she saw him turn his claddagh ring around to the "taken" position. lol. it still hasn't really set in yet. i have a boyfriend...tommy's my boyfriend. i'm tommy's girlfriend. after charles i said i shouldn't have another one, that men were too much trouble, but you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men, right? but this is so much different than before, because it feels right. it makes me so happy, like i just want to smile and laugh for no reason at all!

the distance won't be fun, but if he were around all i would ever want to do is just do what we did today, lie in the grass behind bellarmine with the sun warming our faces. i've never really noticed before how sunlight makes skin almost sparkle.

it struck me ironically as we were driving around bridgport last night, wasting time while wendy got her groove on in the room with the f*buddy, that monday would have been my two-year anniversary with greg. it's also the two year anniversary of me having a drivers' license, woohoo! anyway it's just funny, how i have another anniversary to remember in april. that makes three: my dad, greg, and now tommy. wendy said it's on account of it being spring, which is probably true. except for my dad anyway lol.

i'm really happy right now. i'd be happier if tommy hadn't had to go back to marist, but i need to get adjusted to that situation. he's so damned cute. god. :-)

I just haven't been able to bring myself to go to work in so long....it's terrible, indolence is a disease. well i did accomplish things, i cleaned the room as usual and finished my history paper and burned a cd for tommy and went to debate. the day was so nice, but i found out that it's going to rain on friday. this presents some logistical problems. wendy's big plan is that the four of us all go out to dinner together, come back here and hang out for a bit, then she and rob will be doing their thing till 1am when he has to leave, then tommy and i can be in there till 4 when wendy has to go to sleep. he's sleeping over anyway (yay!). tommy will have the explorer, but i know he's planning to drink and i'd like to as well, so it's not like we could go anywhere anyway. originally my plan was that we could go watch the drive-in movie on the quad and then take him up behind bellarmine, which is now officially my favorite spot on campus, to look at the stars. they canceled the movie bc of the rain and there will definitely be no stars lol so michelle needs to come up with some new plans.

i'm still so excited, though.....the Mouse with No Name doesn't really smell like tommy's cologne anymore. he needs to be recharged. i can't believe wendy told him i carry the damned thing everywhere, i don't, i just carry him around the room! lol. friday cannot come soon enough....of course i wont be going to work then either bc he's getting here around 3, i think. oh i'm going to jump him so fast. (who said that?)

alright, now i am writing about half an hour later. amazing how small bits of information can kind of sour your good mood.

i'm ever so sorry that my "plan" doesn't sit well with you, dear. i'm sorry you disapprove of the way i'm living my life, but i like it, it makes me happy. are you happy? it sure doesn't sound that way. i'm also sorry that you are so very bitter. that's all that comes across to me from anything i ever hear about you: bitterness. not hope, not resignation, not nostalgia. why would i ever want to include you in my life in any way if all you have to offer is negative emotions? why do you think i stopped talking to you in the first place? i thought maybe you would just move on and let it go, but you just became even more resentful. it's been more than six months and apparently you haven't resolved whatever issues you still have.

i really wish things weren't this way. i miss you sometimes; i miss being friends with you. when i think about you i try to always remember the good times, which were the large portion of our time together. i wish that you weren't as unhappy as you make yourself sound. you said once that maybe we just never really knew each other at all; well, i sure as hell don't feel like i know you now.

i was planning to come back and finish this after i went into town, but i'm not. i was in a very good mood this morning after tommy told me he's definitely coming down on friday, and then this little episode made me really upset, which sucked. so i bought strawberries--delicious--and a beautiful pot of yellow flowers. just looking at them, so pure, so vibrant, so full of life, cleared my head and made me happier. i won't say that i'm still not upset by all this, by you in general, but i have so many great things going on in my life that one small negative is not enough to lose my cool over. so feel free to be bitter and negative about life, my friend. feel free to continue writing your vicious little diatribes full of meaningless phrases and atrocious spelling--but i simply have to say this: it's 'thief', not 'theif', and yes, it really does matter to most educated people--and feel free to continue being unhappily trapped by the past. for my part, i intend to spend my time enjoying the fabulous day outside, the company of my friends, and all the joys that the life i've chosen has to offer. and yes, it's all according to the plan.

It is a GLORIOUS day outside. holy shit. it's just so perfect. sadly i just missed the bus to town so i have an hour to kill, but still, i'm in such a good mood. it doesn't hurt that i found out that tommy is really coming to visit friday!!!!!! hahaha i walked into art history class with this big smile on my face, and i actually drifted off once or twice. that NEVER happens in jesus' class. sadly no art history for me next semester, goddamned biblical archaeology seminar got canceled because the prof got a better position at yale. so i was in a frenzy to find another class (i love how i register first of anyone yet i always find myself in some weird position) and i wound up signing up for foundations of drawing, because im required to take a studio art class at some point for my AH major anyway. sigh. i have two turbos now, drawing and creative writing. i better be so fucking creative next semester, dammit. lol.

today....today was interesting. i did nothing, pretty much. i channeled some thoreau; i walked up to bellarmine so i could lie in the grass and read billy collins and write. it was nice, but then it got cold and i was wearing sandals and i went home. oh and i scared some people who i think came up there to fool around, they saw me and took off lol.

tonight was great. i was sexiled, finally and at long last. i'm proud of my girl. she's doing it again friday night too, but he's bringing us a gift so i don't mind. he seemed a cool guy. they're not exclusive; i loved this little gem as imparted later by wendy: "hey, your roommate's pretty hot too. think she'd be interested?" the answer, dear sir, is no.

so it appears i have a decision to make about the future vis-a-vis me and tommy. i'm struggling with this. he told wendy tonight that while he'd like to talk about it with me soon, he wouldn't officially ask me out until the summer because of this whole distance thing. the "distance thing" worries me. it'll still be present during the summer even though we both have cars. i mean, we'll also have jobs, our separate friends, and i have to cart jen around. it's not like i could be down in oxford and monroe every weekend, and if he came up he wouldn't be able to stay over, my mom would never allow that. he pointed out the example of him and his ex, who lived like 45 minutes away and apparently that was fine. i don't know if i can say that i've really done distance. i suppose greg counted in the beginning of the year, but that's a bad comparison because being separated was not in itself the problem, it just accentuated what was already there. charles i guess was kind of distance, but he came over here a lot. rae and aj do distance really well, but they had a really strong foundation already built. sara and pat's long distance thing didn't really work out. so i'm conflicted over what would go on there, i don't know.

all this came about because wendy told him what her f-buddy said about me, and it seemed to me that he really didn't care whether i took the guy up on it or not, and i admit to being a little offended. i was like gee, thanks buddy, i know we're not actually dating, but c'mon here. early on i was like fine, if that's the way he thinks then i want to go seduce some guy right now, dammit! im glad i didn't try that lol. maybe it would be best for me to just find some guys to flirt with or something. i wouldn't go any further, because even not being exclusive it just feels like it would be cheating, if you know what i mean. it's like, even if you're just casually seeing someone, if you're to the point where you're really getting to know them and like them, you don't try to work on another one at the same time, or at least i don't. heather congratulated me that "you're not a skanky ho!" thanks, babe. it means a lot lol. also, im wondering if tommy would have a problem with the way certain things go down among my friends back home, ie crazy drunken party games that involve kissing people? i highly doubt i'd get any objections to girls, anyway.

all in all it was a full night. damn. time for bed.

last night was pretty crazy. after going to the admitted students open house to recruit for debate team, we had the debate team party at eileen's townhouse. it was so funny to be sitting there drinking with cdahts, our coach, who helped make the delicious spiked punch. i tried a cosmo, heather be proud, except it was a ghetto one bc they didn't have quatro or whatever, so i didnt like it very much. i made myself giant screwdrivers, like a huge beer cup full of OJ and then a little alcohol mixed in so i wouldnt taste it at all. yeah, lot of liquid there, so i definitely had to use the bathroom a lot. lovely.

so we all got pretty tipsy except for meredith. sean was having amarretto sour's and declaring himself perfectly fine even as he stumbled all over himself. jamie and michaela handed out their fabulous prizes; i won for "best partner, best hair, and most likely to tell someone off" (i'm jamie's partner, and the telling off apparently referred to friday's hugely heated ralph nader debate in which i referred to the green party as tree hugging jackasses and other things). so michaela wants to hook up with this guy matt on the team, who's really cute. his award said most likely to get ass from another debte team member, she was all over him on the couch, and he still didnt pick up on it. michaela's really cute, too.

this partying goodness only lasted from 4 to 7 pm, if you can beleive it. yes i was drunk in daylight. walking back to the dorm was fun, with meredith herding us like so many tipsy sheep. we were just in that great mood where everything is pretty damn funny. sean fell flat on his face in the hall cause he started laughing and lost his balance. he ended up hanging out in my room for a while after meredith and lauren went off to do their bonding thing, and it was so much fun. i decree that pinky and i shall get drunk together more often.

oh very important: amanda went on a date with a special someone last night. GO POPHAM!!!

so i kinda sobered up over the course of the evening--half-drunken showering is very interesting. did i mention that a drunk jamie insisted on tattooing people with semi-permanent markers? i got "I LOVE PIRATES" with a skull and crossbones, "I love TOO " and an L on the other side of my hand, and a giant TOMMY scrawled on my other arm. don't ask, i was so stupid to let her do that, cause im standing in the shower scrubbing furiously at them and they wouldnt fucking come off!!

later in the evening, i ended up joining the guys in JD's room. think eleven guys and one girl. they made me a sign that said FEMALE and took a pic to prove that a girl was indeed in the room. they're all going to die virgins cause they really don't know how to act around girls lol. i tried this stuff called hypno, it's BLUE and really good tasting, like you dont need to chase, except it's only 17 percent alcohol, so i was surprised that the guys even bothered drinking it. it would take a lot of that to have any effect. or so i assume, since it takes about three shots of 40% to affect me.

i love how the guys tape everything on their digital cameras. especially amusing, the tape of Pete *stupidly* agreeing to drink a capful of RUBBING ALCOHOL. yes, rubbing alcohol, aka hobo poison.

Pete: peter borea jr is going to die tonight!
Guy: Why the hell are you peter borea junior?
Pete: because my dad's peter borea senior, dickwad!

i'm sorry, you'd have to see the video, it's just really funny. last night i was supposed to tape a chris rock special for tommy on hbo, but i was kinda tipsy and watched Patton instead and almost fell asleep. so when it was over i TMed tommy to say guess what was just on! (we had just talked about what a good movie it was) and he wsa like chris rock! oops. yeah ill have to tape it some other time. i really need to shower now and get these goddamned tattoos off.

i watched kill bill 1 last night, because wendy and i were supposed to see the second one. it was damned good, the only thing that bothered me was the excessive blood, not because it was gratuitous (gotta love hollywood) but because it was just blatantly unrealistic. everything else could be accepted by the reasonable mind, even the gravity-defying stunts, i guess, but not the fire-hydrant spray of blood when someone got an arm cut off. years of watching really gruesome war movies have educated me, as has watching csi. arterial spray when you get your throat cut, huge. your arm, not so much. still, excellent film in my opinion.

after that wendy and i went over to regis, where i spent like three hours in a whole roomful of people i'd never met before. it was was great, though, everyone was really friendly. at one point wendy left to walk this guy back to campion and didn't come back, and i was like that's ok, i'm having fun, i'll just stay. i loved that all the guys said they'd never seen me on campus before. that's ok i'd never seen them either. i'd never even been inside regis. after that i came back, talked to pete and wendy on the steps for a bit, then went upstairs to discover that everyone was home from the dance and that james had gone home with a girl! our little asian james! so it's like 2am, im getting ready to go to sleep with my wonderful mousie, and there's a knock on the door. it's james. he walked the girl back to her room, but nothing happened, and he'd forgotten his key in the rush to leave, so he asked to sleep on our floor. so he did spend the night in a girl's room--with TWO girls, no less--but alas he has not earned his nickname, "pimp juice".

i'm sure i pissed the kid off this morning lol, i set my alarm for 815 and hit snooze repeatedly till 9. every ten minutes. yeah baby. i wasn't really awake, honestly. i'm so tired now, but i have to go try to recruit little high school seniors into the debate team. it's open a house today, i must say it's a beautiful day.

Dinosaur

In dreams, dinosaurs represent something from your past or a personal characteristic that changed and you no longer use. If you dream of being attacked by a dinosaur, you are struggling to change and become a different kind of person. If you escape the dinosaur, you will be successful in being seen differently by peers.

Dream symbol: dinosaur


Interpretation:
Harbouring old, rigid beliefs that no longer serve you
The past, or a need to let go of it and focus on the present
Something that's too big for you to handle
Something that's outdated, extinct or no longer relevant

Dinosaur
To see a dinosaur in your dream, symbolizes an outdated attitude. You may need to discard your old ways of thinking and habits.

To dream that you are being chased by a dinosaur, indicates your fears of no longer being needed or useful. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you.

these are from three different dream dictionaries....so i'm dreaming about being chased by dinosaurs because of something from my past or an issue i haven't dealt with? or i'm trying to change....hm. interesting.

i made a conscious decision to be happy today. it is beautiful after two days of rain, surely this is a sign.

Memento Mori

you were barely fifty
a big man with
salt and pepper hair
thinning dangerously
no sight so incongruous
that April morning
(after the thud
the terrible shriek)
as you, collapsed
on the tiles as
your heart seized

suddenly

a great grasping
in the chest as
Death’s steely fingers
picked through
the ribs
closed around
the bloody organ
strangled
the final rhythm

suddenly

I approached unused
to the particular
shade of grey
that marks a corpse
my hands
on your stillness
pummeled the flesh
failed to force the life
back inside
my own heart
pierced right through
you were barely fifty
Father it all happened
so very

suddenly

tommy loves the marx brothers, and the movie "patton". if anyone didn't know, the title of my blog is not because i love Barnum crackers (though i do), it's off the Marx bros movie "Animal Crackers", which is also where the quote at the top of the blog comes from. i started this like two days after i'd seen the movie lol. also, patton was one of my dad's fave movies, and i love it too, i've juts never met many people our age who've bothered to watch it. now, if he only loved cary grant....

last night my dreams once again involved me being chased and terrified by dinosaurs. i've had lots of these dreams and i don't know why. did jurassic park scar me in some deep, dark way? i loved dinos as a kid, but i remember being terrified when i heard a trex was as tall as a two-story house. it's always velociraptors and trexes in the dreams, always in different places but always me running and trying to hide or escape and they're always crashing through the door or the wall and going for me. christ.

it's after midnight, so here it is. four years. it's almost too much to believe. i mark the real anniversary around noontime, that's the time i remember looking at the clock when i was calling the ambulance. what a strange recollection. my sister, who was at work at the time, swears the lights flickered at like ten after twelve that day, but i don't know if she just imagined it or made it up or if it was just a cosmically ironic coincidence. always ironic the way life goes on, the way the world keeps on turning even though for one group of people it has just been irreversibly shattered. how many other people have died on this day that i have neither known nor cared about? how many people will be remembering my dad today, and how will they be remembering him, i would love to know that. but i can't.

equally ironic that my identification number for the study today was 415. 4/15, the day that lives in infamy... how dramatic. also strange that whenever anyone asks me for my lucky number i always say 15, and i use it whenever a random number is required, like in passwords. i've never really had a lucky number in my life, i never cared. it seems that 15 is the only number that sticks with me. it's not really lucky in any sense, but at least it has some meaning to me. wherever i see the number 15, for some reason i feel....i don't even know what i feel. connected, maybe.

too much thinking. if i could have one wish right now, i would wish for a good dream tonight. i would wish to dream about my dad, not one of those dreams i've had where he's just kind of there and it's like nothing ever happened and he never died, not those because those are just depressing to wake up from and realize oh wait, nevermind, he IS dead. no, i want a dream where i know that he's dead but he's there anyway. why can't i have one of those mystical dream visitations? don't i deserve to see him again, even if it's only my subconscious working shit out? work this out, dammit.

suddenly i find myself wondering about the organ donation recipients. do they ever think about him on this day? there are people wandering around this state with their blood coursing through my father's veins, with my father's skin grafted onto theirs. there is a woman whose name i have now forgotten who is seeing through my dad's cornea, if you can believe that! little bits and pieces of him are still floating about. in my DNA too, except mixed up with my mom's. damn that scots-irish blood!

now it's REALLY time for bed. god and i just ate sweet tarts.

so, it's tomorrow. how strange. it feels like it crept up on me, once again, even though i've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. my family doesn't really mark it in any way. i'll call my mom, but i doubt we'll more than mention it. it's not something that makes for great phone conversations, obviously. i've never visited his grave on his anniversary. in fact i think i've only been there twice since he died, once because my mom felt like going and i was trapped in the car (uncomfortable) and once by myself, before that. i must have been a freshman or a sophomore, because i rode my bike from my house.

the cemetery is called Riverside, which always puts me in mind of the old amusement park. it's situated on the bank of the farmington river. it's very peaceful. if you follow the really narrow road all the way to the back, my dad's grave is located right where the road turns to the left to loop back. that plot was the last left in that section of the cemetery, and we wanted it not only because it's pretty, but also because only there can you have upright gravestones. i picked out the stone, of course i wanted a glossy black marble. there's only one other black stone in the entire cemetery.

i don't know what i was expecting when i went down there that day. i've seen and read so much about people going to their loved ones' graves, to commune with them or whatever, so i guess i was just following what i thought i should do. so i went. i took a perfectly smooth pebble home with me that had been lying there. i have a habit of saving rocks from places now (like the federal property i stole from all those national monuments out west lol). the sound of the river moving by is really wonderful, especially on a quiet summer day, but aside from that, there's nothing. i felt nothing. i just looked at the stone. Joseph Thomas DiMarzo, March 30, 1950---April 15, 2000. And the Masonic symbol, which we all felt should be there. I looked for a while, then i got back on my bike and left. when i got home all i remember writing in my journal (i kept one on actual paper back then, gasp!) was "He's not there", and he isn't. i don't know exactly where i think he is, but it's not under that rock, so i have no reason to visit it. Unless i'm doing like sara and her mom on their trips to puerto rico, making sure her dad's grave is clean.

how else can one possibly celebrate a day such as this? i doubt he would approve of any alcoholic toasts in his honor. hm, that's something to think about--how do we want our loved ones to remember the anniversary of our deaths? do we want solemnity, a mass perhaps, or do we want nostalgia and the examination of old photo albums? i have no pictures of him to pore over. he was usually the one taking the photos, and all the ones we did have of him went into the giant photo collage that hangs in the living room. i wish i'd looked at it again before i left home, even though i know every picture by heart.

wendy and i are finally forcing ourselves to confront next year's reality, that we may not be rooming together. as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men....i got so upset tonight, both because of that, the paper i recently discovered is due thursday that i couldnt for the life of me concentrate on, and some other stuff that at ten oclock i was like fuck it, let's go work out. that was the hardest workout i've had in a while. i was drenched in sweat, it was nasty, but quite cathartic.

wendy decided to indulge when we got back, but i opted for some powerade shots lol. there is no one else i could ever live with who would match the amazing relationship i have with her. no one else would look so cute stealing my bed and no one else would probably jump on top of me if i tried to steal it back.

oh, i decided to email that guy from massachusetts last night, just because i felt bad not saying anything. for anyone who doesn't know, this guy who looked about my age, not too bad looking, gave me really sweet note with his number and email addy on it as i was leaving a restaurant in MA with my family. in true dimarzo fashion, my mom chased me around my grandpa's yard trying to get the note cause she thought it would be hilarious if she called him. she was actually disappointed that i said there was no way in hell i was calling this guy. i told her to focus her efforts on "marrying off" the other one. anyway, i have no interest in this kid, but somehow i felt i shouldnt be like, well you're so uncool that i'm not even going to contact you to say thank you. so i send him like a two line email saying thanks, good to know some massholes are friendly, im from ct , goodbye.(big hint here)

unfortunately, he emailed me back, telling me about himself, he's from the cape, apparently a senior in high school, yada yada yada. it was pretty obvious that he wants a reply. i'm sure he's a nice guy but i have no interest in being his new pen pal, but neither do i want to be rude. i'm not sure if i should just not reply or send some kind of final "don't talk to me again" message. argh. i was just trying to be nice, since his note was very complimentary. well, actually, in his email he referred me to looking like "a rose in a sandbox". i was like, um, what? interesting image ...it was a restaurant, for god's sake. anyway if anyone has any advice on how i can nicely tell this kid to bugger off, do let me know. thanks.

what a wet, rainy day. i skipped my 8am because i woke up tired, grumpy, and surrounded by dreariness. that left only jesus' class in the entire day, which of course is no problem! today we did Manet, and i found myself strangely intrigued, especially by his "Olympia". Alright, so i look at this painting and i'm like, hm, she's not really pretty, is she. her pose is an obvious quotation of Titian's Venus of Urbino, which i talked about once before, but this woman is much different. It was just so cool that the more i looked at it, and the more Jesus told me about the purpose behind it, the more i really appreciated it. The woman was a prostitute friend of Manet's, well known to Paris, and he shows her exactly as she is, completely realistic with no attempt to idealize her like the Venus. this painting shocked people because it was "too real", it was "naked", not "nude". i found that amusing. more importantly, though it's fascinating to compare the personalities of the two paintings (for comparison). The Venus is all soft curves, languid, shy-looking, and accessible, as though you could step into the picture and join her there on the bed. Olympia, in contrast, seems to be looking down at us rather commandingly, and her pose is alert, accentuated by that little black cat arching its back in the corner. Her message seems to be "stay away" as opposed to the venus' "come hither". Manet is making a really interesting shift in the portrayal of women, especially a well-known prostitute.

Tomorrow we're beginnning the impressionists. i have never really liked much of impressionism; i like van gogh pretty much, and some of monet (no flowers, though), but the others, cezanne and matisse, and the american impressionists like winslow homer, i just don't really get into. however i'm wondering if that will change once we start to study them. after all, i never liked the mona lisa until we discussed her hardcore for like an entire class, after which i really felt like i could appreciate her, and on first glance i wasn't too interested in manet, either. so now i'm all excited. i'm even thinking ahead to the class i'll be taking on modern art, probably junior year, wondering if maybe, just maybe, i might learn to appreciate some modern art once i learn the underlying principles. i'm loving this, i really am! i'm so glad i took that first art history course...my sister asked me what looking at "stupid pictures on a wall" could possibly contribute to life or the world. well, i think they contribute a hell of a lot, and it sure makes me happy. i got an A on last test, we got it back today, and that too made me really happy, more so than getting an A in my other classes, because it's an A in something i really really love. usually english would qualify but i hate that goddamned woman. check with me next semester, i foresee that creative writing will be my favorite class. :-)

i'm never sure whether i really like talking on the phone. it gives you the ability to gauge tone, but i don't know, sometimes i'm like blah, IM me please.

also interesting the things i've found out. similarities abound, but also some basic differences. i wonder if the things that would bother you in someone you're not interested in are glossed over by attraction? it's not like before when i would just not notice, now i've noticed and i choose to not care. who knows.

i'm really excited for heather. my fingers are crossed. go for it, my sexylicious redhead!

all told, i'm going to bed a little later than i probably should, and just a little bit happier.

1. If you had the choice to spin around the sun, or walk on the moon, which would you choose and why?

I’d walk on the moon. Think of how quiet it must be out there.

2. If you could share that experience with one person, who would that be, and why?
Rae, because right now I think she really needs a bit of R&R.

3. What colour do you think best describes you and why?

Blue. It has a lot of different shades, all of them beautiful. How does this describe me? Well, I’m multi-faceted and gorgeous. Obviously.

4. Do you know what your element is? If so what is it?

My element is Air. Fall Air, to be exact, thank you astrological wall calendars.

5. Do you know your astrological sign? If so what is it?

Libra

6. Do you believe that your dreams are a gateway to your soul?

Despite what I may believe, I know for a fact that dreams are the expression of my subconscious. How my soul ties into my subconscious is another matter. I haven’t really given much thought to it.

7. What is your most vivid dream?

The dreams I had a few years ago where my father was still alive, he hadn’t died, and I was desperately trying to tell him something but I never got the words out before the dreams ended.

8. If you could be doing anything right now, what would you be doing and why?

I would be cuddling with Tommy on a really big, comfortable bed, because that would just make me very very happy.


9. If you could only choose one element to surround yourself with either a)wind, b)fire, c)earth, or d)water, which would you choose and why?
Air, because then I could breathe it and not be burned, smothered, or drowned. Plus it’s my element, c’mon.

10. Would you ever share you heart completely with someone else? If yes, who, if no, why not?

I hope so. I haven’t found that person yet.

11. Who runs circles around your mind?

Annie, because I’ve never understood where her incredible well-spring of creativity and energy comes from. It’s like no one else I’ve ever met.

12. If you had to paint a self-portrait would you make it a)realistic, b)abstract, or c)you'd rather die than have to pick up a paint brush? Explain your answer.

Despite my lack of painting proficiency, I would try to make it as realistic as possible. I would want people to remember me as me, and not as some asymmetrical blobs of paint on a canvas. Although admittedly that’s probably how my portrait would turn out anyway.

13. Which do you prefer more and why, a)natural light, b)candle light, c)florescent light, or d)moonlight?

Well the creator of fluorescent lights should just be burned alive anyway, so that’s out. I love the romance of candlelight, but for practical purposes, like reading, it’s annoying. I’d take moonlight, because it’s so cool when you’re walking around under a full moon and you don’t have to worry where the next streetlight is, there’s so much illumination.

14. Do you believe in karma? Do you even know what karma is?

I’m not quite sure. Sometimes things come around and sometimes they don’t, and bad things definitely happen to good people. When things do work out evenly, people just label it karma.



15. How about fate? Are we all fulfilling a destiny here on earth?

Yes and no….obviously we make choices, I don’t think we’re rats on a wheel, but I feel somehow that we are working within a greater plan….I like the Masonic image of the Great Architect of the Universe.

16. Who is the most thought-provoking person you know, and why?

My dad. He definitely provokes more thoughts in me than anyone else. Lol.

17. Who is the most inspiring and why?

Wendy, because she has so much drive and inspiration, she’s so amazingly friendly and out-going despite any and all crap that could be going on. She claims she really has no self-confidence but girl, believe me, no one can ever tell. And she’s comfortable with herself, I really envy that.

18. If you had to spend the rest of your natural life with only one other human being, who would that be and why?

At this point I’d say wendy, because we’ve already demonstrated that we can live in a very small space for long periods of time without any attempted homicides.

19. Which sense could you not live without, and why?

The sense of sight. The world is so incredibly beautiful, even if it were on mute I would still not give it up.

20. Have you ever written on a mirror? If so what did you write?

I can’t say I have.

21. Have you ever written or drawn on another person? If so who, and what did you write/draw?

Oh, so many people. Numbers, reminders, little designs.

22. What do you wish on?

I wish on 11:11 when I remember, and I wish on stars.

23. Tell the person who sent this to you one thing about yourself, however big or small, that you've never told before.

No one sent this to me, but hmm, something I haven’t told anyone then? Well then, to all of my friends: whenever I imagine my future ten, twenty, thirty years down the line, my wonderful successful life with my Spanish villa full of art and my huge library and my vintage corvette, I always imagine them in it, no matter how impractical that may seem. They’re always there with me.

24. Right now is your life, spiraling, or ascending? Why?

Ascending in the general sense, but spiraling toward the end of the year.

25. If you could change one thing you did in the last 24 hours, what would it be and why?

Er, I wouldn’t have left the deli bag of turkey open on the counter so that Mr. Binky jumped up and started eating it and then my mom started yelling at me because she was making herself a sandwich for tomorrow.

26. What can someone do to you that would turn you on fully, physical or mental, or both?

Read me a poem. (A good one).

27. Do you prefer sleeping outside beneath the night sky, or your cozy bed indoors? Why?

Both. Inside beds are really comfy and warm, but there’s something so incredible about being outside under the stars, or even under a canopy of trees. Naturally this only applies to bug-free environments. If there are bugs give me the damned inside bed any day.

28. What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

Never ever could I name one. No way.

29. Name one person whose changed your life for the better.
My dad, through his death as well as his life. Also sara, heather and rae for everything that happened in the years that followed. They’ve truly helped make me the person I am now.

30. Name one person whose changed your life for the worse.

Jen.

31. If you knew you were going to pass away within the next few days, what would be the last thing you say, and who would you say that to?

I would say “I love you”, and I would say it to everyone I possibly could.

32. Do you believe in heaven? If so what do you think it will be like?

If I had to choose a uniform place, it would be like the Elysian Fields the Greeks wrote about, eternal natural beauty and peace. No clouds, please, and no naked boys toting harps.

33. Would you rather a)run through a sunflower field, b)jump inside a waterfall, or c)hike through the woods? Why?

Running through the sunflower fields would destroy them, and the waterfall thing reminds me of a scene in Jurassic park 2, so I’ll take the woodsy hike.

34. What is your worst fear in the world? Does it consume you?

Heights, and if you get me near something high you bet your ass it consumes me. Hell, get me near a tall flight of stairs or on a stepladder and it consumes me. Isn’t phobia wonderful?

35. What is one thing that can make you smile no matter what mood your in?

Reading really good poetry, looking at something beautiful.

36. If you could meet anyone, past or present, dead or alive, who would you meet and why?

I’d definitely have to say Jesus, at this point. Can you imagine all the questions I’d have to ask him, to figure out how much of what’s in the gospel actually happened and how much is “editorializing”? plus maybe I could get the actual scoop on him and mary magdelene.

37. Have you ever written poetry? Have you shared it?

Yes and yes.

38. Do you believe experimentation can be a good thing? Why or why not?

Experimentation is good depending on the situation. Experimenting with crack, for instance—not good. Experimenting with green lipstick—not good but not as bad as crack. Experimenting in a safe environment, good.

39. What was the last thing someone said to you?

My mom asked if I wanted more banana bread for school. For some crazy reason I said no. actually I said no because she did so much baking yesterday, I feel kind of bad asking.

40. What was the last thing you said to them?

What I just said.

41. If you had the ability to change one thing about the world, what would it be and why?

People would be more tolerant.

42. If you could go back in time, where would you go, what would you do, and why?

Back to the Renaissance, and I would go spy on all the famous guys working.

43. What is the most bizarre thing you've ever done to yourself?

Ummmm….i can’t really think of anything, honestly. I guess it could be me wearing dark brown lipstick in sophomore year, such that joe whatsisname inquired of someone if I were a satanist. Because it’s a known fact that satanists can be identified by their choice of makeup. Jackass. I glared at him in the hallways for a week hoping he’d think I was going to make a voodoo doll of him or something. Hmm maybe this is why all the guys were afraid of me. Maybe they all thought I worshipped the devil. Oh well, their loss, right? Right?

44. And finally, what makes you you?

you’d think this is an easy question, but it’s really kinda not. Because anything I say, like my intelligence or my sense of humor, could be completely identical to some random person on the other side of the globe. I could take the literalist route and say my social security number, which in the eyes of the government is really my only identifying characteristic….i guess I’ll go with the old “unique set of life experiences” one. I’m hoping there’s not another person out there who has had the exact same life as I have. If there is, they need to call me up and we need to chat. Wouldn’t that be so awesome, to be able to kvetch to someone who knows EXACTLY what you’re talking about??

and charles bleached his hair!! it's so funny in contrast to his dark eyebrows. his sister influenced him to do it, apparently. *shakes head* whatever floats his boat.

oh i forgot to mention another reason why i dislike my sister. she hates art. she said "every stupid flower looks the same no matter which dead french guy painted it." and so on and so forth. my mom said nothing during this discussion, but i kind of know she feels the same way. actually, what she said was "well, honey, i'm just glad you're not an artist." i was like gee, thanks mom. we were arguing all the way up till she got dropped off. she lives down the street from the MFA and one block from the gardner museum, one of the coolest museums in boston, and she would never go because art is worthless to her. she thinks i'm an idiot because i have no interest in international diplomacy and law like her and i'd rather look at paintings by dead guys.

i'm think im not in the right frame of mind now to work on my el greco paper. lol.

Ah, the chaos surrounding any sort of DiMarzo family get-together. screaming, yelling, no end of annoying comments from my sister and off-color ones from my grandpa (calling michael jackson the "cloroxed n****" is my personal favorite) and a lot of me wishing i could just turn on my headphones and ignore all of it.

some good things happened, though. while hunting for some scrap paper to write things down on (damn the lack of computers) i found three things in a chest of drawers in the front parlor. the first was several sheets of paper on which my grandpa had written down the story of how he met, fell in love with, and married my grandmother. horribly messy handwriting and a lot of crossouts. the second was a single sheet dated last march, a sort-of poem about him looking out the window and seeing a sea-gull, and wondering if it was as lonely as he was without the woman he loved. the third was the most surprising for me to find, just sitting in this drawer amid calendars and scraps of paper--a sheet of paper written in my grandmother's hand, dated 1989, all about her life. it began "i was born the third of twelve children..." and went on to describe how she only went to school up till 9th grade, when she had to go to work in a factory to help her family. her first paycheck was three dollars-- for sixty hours worth of work. holy god. it was just so utterly strange to be reading about her life in her own words, this woman who died when i was eight. she seemed to have such personal strength--at one point she wrote "it has not been easy, but i can't complain--i'm from very strong stock." in his recollection of her, my granpda wrote something about how she had great wisdom, the kind that can't be found in books. if ever i doubt that true love exists, i should think of my grandparents. they faced such obstacles and had such limitations placed on them by life, but in the end they had each other. reading my grandfather's own words about how much he misses her, i felt the same sadness for him that i feel for my mom.....what a terrible thing for him, to not only have buried his wife and best friend, but also his only son.

all in all, i was just kind of bowled over by reading all this. the last time i found an old letter in my grandpa's house, it was one my dad wrote from california when he was twenty or so, and it kind of depressed me because it showed me even then the drive he had to make everything perfect. the kind of drive that is ultimately self-defeating because it can't tolerate anything less than complete success.

and since my dad's anniversary approacheth (loved the radio ad that declared "April 15 is coming--the day that does not sit well with many people"), it was of course a major topic of discussion. somehow i hate talking about him with my sister, i don't know why. she just seems to always be either too dramatic and over-emotional (again with the calling him "daddy" thing which irks me so much) or just really abrupt, like talking about how she's so sure he would have killed himself anyway even if he had lived. my mom and i talked about him on the way home, which is fine, i don't mind talking about him when it's just the two of us. it's her that just makes me want to sit in a corner and ignore everything.

i called some of my friends last night because it struck me that a year ago at this time we were enduring a really horrible four hour long easter vigil at some adobe mission church in arizona. today....what did we do easter sunday, i can't even remember. i think we might have gone to taos. who knows....three years ago today rae and i were sitting through an easter mass in spanish in madrid (the only words i really recognized were "senor" and "dios"), and i had just met manuel like five minutes before we dashed out the door. weird. i wonder what i will be remembering this day for five years from now?

Just because I feel like posting a picture of tommy....i will....except that i can't remember the html for pictures, so you'll just have to be content with a link. that way if you dont want to see it you don't have to lol. Pic Aside from the fact that he, Dan and Justin are attempting to look badass, it's a pretty good picture, meaning for once he doesn't look stoned!

soon i will be going up to MA to visit my grandpa for easter. yay for car rides.

oh and yesterday i bought "angels and demons", by the same guy who wrote da vinci code. meghan told me it's even better, so i'm all intrigued now.

tonight made me genuinely glad to be home. not even the sight of my little sapphire curled up on the bed made me as satisfied as going to see "The Prince and Me" with sara and totally hanging onto each other at the crazy emotional moments in the movie (and also when they were about to start going at it in the library, that was hot) and squealing and being utterly girly. it was great. as for everyone who mocked me for wanting to see this movie, it was completely worth it! it was not simply a cutesy movie about an incredibly gorgeous prince, it was about julia stiles' character having to choose between being a queen and her dreams of being a doctor and helping people. in the end.....well i won't tell you the end, but it's definitely the right choice that she makes. female empowerment, right on! then i sang loudly to myself on the drive home, and had a good chat with my mom as she baked that sort of made up for the anger this afternoon. so it's been a good night.

after the movie ended we were talking for a minute about that whole issue of choosing between your dreams and someone you truly love. it's such a hard question. you could say "omnia vincit amor", but honestly, i don't want to sacrifice my dreams for anyone.

in my mind when i think into the future, i always have this idea that after graduation i'll pack up and move to spain for a few years, just for the hell of it. i never usually envision a significant other in there, but what if there were one? what if i were completely lucky *crosses fingers* and like got a fulbright scholarship to spain or something, but there was someone here that i were truly in love with?i can't possibly imagine myself giving up that opportunity, i feel like i'd hate myself forever. right now my plans for the future are almost entirely nebulous, but there is one concrete point of reference: spain. spain is the only dream i have right now. still, i can't entirely speak from experience on this either, because i've never yet loved someone so completely that i feel like i would give up anything for them. i loved greg, but if for some reason he'd been like "skip college, let's go away", i would have said fuck no, bye. will i find someone like that? or will there always be something that i just can't sacrifice?

quite possibly these are questions that i won't be able to answer until i find myself in that situation. i hope that i never will.

my mom just called me upstairs to lick the spoon from making the blueberry muffins. damn, life is good right now.

oh, and is it weird that watching chick flicks that deal a lot with marriage always leave me with the "damn i wanna be married" feeling? it only lasts for like an hour, it's definitely fading now....i'm so impressionable. most of the time i'm like no way, i don't want to be confined to marriage, but sometimes i'm like well, it would be incredible to know that you have this one person you can truly rely on for the rest of your life (ignoring the insane divorce rate in this country). it's not so much the sexually liberated aspect of the single life that draws me, it's more the idea of being free, not tied down forever...but something inside me says that this is just a phase, that one day i'll realize that utter freedom can be pretty lonely.

Ten Things That Make Michelle Happy Today:
1.) blueberry muffin batter
2.) the smell of baking things
3.) cats who love me
4.) incredibly fluffy beds
5.) the last hug i received, which was from sara
6.) the sight of my mom puttering about the kitchen
7.) movies that end well
8.) eating cheese and strawberries and chocolate for dinner
9.) obstinately remaining in the car with the stereo blasting in sara's quiet neighborhood until "sober" finished playing
10.) thinking about tommy

oh coming home really sucked. my mom finally deigned to come get me at like three o'clock. when jen showed up with her i was just hugely reminded of all the reasons i did NOT want to go home. hunger, frustration, anger and sadness combined, i was really upset, and there were tears as we drove away. all the way to the highway i was repeating the same thing in my head "don't make me leave, don't make me go back there". this is just a taste of this summer and already i hate it. already i want to go back to school, i want out, i want to be away from them.

hanging out with sara is the only thing keeping me going. that, and the memory of last night.

Oh, last night was amazing. it was amazing twice over, because after he left the first time i was like, damn, i'm not going to see him for a while, and then we kept text messaging each other, and at like 230 he was finally like that's it, i'm sneaking out! he was only there from about 3 to 4:30 and saying goodbye was, once again, really hard, but damn, it was worth it.

we both agreed that we think we're addicted. and we don't really mind.

after four hours of text messages he's coming back. just when i thought this night couldn't get any more out-there. i can't wait to see this month's cell phone bill. holy shit. you've never seen anyone fly out of bed quicker in their lives.

i don't think i'll be sleeping much tonight.