i wrote the poem below in spanish class today. i really think that just sleeping next to someone else is one of the best things in life, though it would be so much better in a big bed (i'm recalling the time that i got claustrophobic, elbowed fusco and told him to get the fuck away from me completely in my sleep). when i was younger, like ten or eleven, i wanted to be married because i wanted to have someone there with me every night. one of my regrets about greg is that in all the time we dated, i never got the chance to sleep next to him or to wake up beside him.

tonight was registration for ignatian. i felt like complete and utter shit, halfway between wanting to throw up and wanting to cry. it was supposed to be this cool celebratory thing, with everyone laughing with their future roommate, and i'm just there thinking over and over, why the fuck isn't wendy here with me? assholes, she totally belongs there. plus there was the room choice issue--we chose our rooms by lottery, right there, you and your roommate. i had originally put in as a single so i could wait to see if wendy gets in, but then they told us singles we had to pair off right then or they'd do it for us. i wanted to die. then, however, god stepped in to save my ass and sent over carla from down the hall, whose roomie wants to go to nyu. she's a theater kid and friends with wendy, which is definitely good. we signed up as roommates and got the very last room on the coed second floor, diagonally across from meredith and amanda. i don't know how this will work out for next year in terms of having a triple or not; we'll have to wait and see what happens.

after it was all over i took a long walk. following sara's advice from earlier, i betook myself to the chapel, which was deserted and very peaceful. i was telling meredith earlier that even though i don't have a clear definition of what i believe in terms of god, i can't help keeping the patriarchal image of him as the old man with the beard in my mind when i pray. just like i can't help but cross myself, i feel the need to designate with some kind of symbol that this time is more than just me thinkin to myself, this is me communicating with the powers that be. i don't do the whole formal prayer thing, and there was nowhere to kneel anyway, so i just kind of closed my eyes and thanked god for sending carla, right at the critical moment, and also asked that wendy not be left out, but given what she really does deserves. i even asked for guidance, which i like never do because i dont know what the hell (ironic) is supposed to be guiding me. my mom said she prayed for me last night, maybe that helped. she said she'd put up a notice on the nuns' prayer board, get the whole convent on my side. it can't hurt, right?