So...

So, list of things Michelle did today:
1. Went to Wendy's dental appointment.
2. Had lunch with Wendy.
3. Drove home.
4. Put everything Tommy-related (which wasn't actually much) in a box and shoved it in a closet.
5. Went to Heather's.
6. Crafted, talked to Heather and Mama Flanagan, and watched XMen.
7. Ate dinner with Flanagans and grandpa.
8. Spent crazy amounts of time getting heather ready to go out.
9. Went out to Tisane's with Mel, Jess, and Jessi till 2am.
10. Went to strip club in hartford to watch their friend "paige" strip.
11. Ran into group of Northwest Catholic boys (Matt C., Mark something) who were leftovers from Ari B's birthday bash.
12. Paid ridiculous amount of money to watch quite talented girls strip until 4am.
13. Almost purchased self a $35 lap dance from this incredible dancer who could literally climb the pole like a cat. Stopped self.
14. Left strip club, returned home, utterly exhausted.
15. Blogged.

So, if you couldn't determine it from the above, Tommy and I are no longer together. We are "on a break". Well, I don't believe breaks exist, so translation, we're not together anymore. Everyone around me is telling me it's a good thing. Part of me--a large and vocal part--is agreeing, but despite everything, I really care about Tommy, and I miss him. I love him; it's not something you can kill or turn into friendship in a night or two. A part of me hopes that he return from what he calls this "break" to see if it could work out. A further part of me hopes that he does just so I can say NO. As you can tell, it's all very confused. I'm very, very confused. Wendy originally wanted me to go to their friend's birthday party tonight and help her flirt with that other Brian kid. Very glad I didn't, not simply because it would be very difficult for me to see Tommy right away, but also because I needed to be home with my friends, and I realized something--yes, i DO have more fun with them. It's not that I don't like Tommy's friends, I do, they're nice people, but they will never live up to the friends I have here. One big reason is that they seem to spend way too much time lounging around just being drunk and smoking whatever. Jessi pointed out tonight how much fun they've been having all summer and they've only been drunk like three times. (I didn't get to see Rae or Sara tonight but they're in this too).

Yes, I'm still really in my "cracked-out" phase. I got hit on by sketchy mexicans in a strip club and invited to sit on their laps. Bark! Gah, I have no idea what I want. Wendy pointed out that both of us had been really unhappy lately, but I guess I just figured that whatever it was we'd just try to work things out. Tommy seems to think things are better off going this way, and so far Wendy, Sara, Heather, my mom, Melissa, Jessi, Jess and probably Rae all agree, so who knows. Maybe they're right: if Tommy says he can't promise me things like being able to talk to me on the phone more than like ten minutes every night because he's too damned busy, well, I'm pretty sure there's guys out there who can. I didn't work well with the long-distance thing, that's obvious. Yet when I think about him, I miss him so much that I feel like I'd do whatever to be with him. And then I realize hey, that's a really scary thought, stop that. I further realized that I've basically based my summer around a male, and that isn't good no matter who it is or what he is to me.

The long and short of all this: we're broken up, and despite what he said about it being a break, Michelle is by no means operating under the idea that Tommy will be coming back, and any hopes in that direction will be carefully squashed, because, quite honestly, from the way he talked I really don't think he will. And even if he did, I really have no idea if I would be comfortable going for round two. Either way, this friendship thing he wants to work on will be way awkward. I mean, cmon, we were dating and having sex, and now we're just going to be friends. Right. That's going to be comfy.

Oh, one good thing? Ok there's a bunch of good things, like not having to wonder if he'll call before he goes to bed, or not always smelling like smoke after visiting him ( i smell like it now and it reminded me of him. how disgusting.), not getting hit in his sleep, not having to worry about how this would have worked during school, not having to listen to that rap shit at deafening volume or endure his driving....I could go on, but I have the feeling it would just become malicious. Actually that already kind of was...yeah I think most of the rap is absolutely worthless, but his driving really wasn't bad. I just felt like saying that. See? Cracked out! ANYWAY, the good thing is that I finally had an excuse to get rid of that awful Kit E. Kat without feeling bad about it. For anyone who doesn't know, it was this really ugly Build a Bear thing that tommy outfitted in a muscle tee and rhinestone shoes. Yeeeaaah. Yes it was a gift and at the time I appreciated the sentiment, and I appreciated the idea of the cat, but hell, it's ugly and now it serves no purpose. So off it goes to Toys for Tots, so some little abused kid can listen to that screechy meow and wonder why it looks like a transsexual.

So, I've been up since ten am and i REALLY need sleep right now. I dreamed about him last night, by the way. I had one dream about him while we were dating, one, and not even an interesting one, but the minute we break up, man, send the confusing dreams Michelle's way, right? Oh, god, I'm so out of it right now. None of this should be taken as factual representation of how I'm really feeling, because honestly I could say something entirely different tomorrow and still mean it. it's a very weird time. Did I mention I've never been broken up with before? Nor have I ever not managed to see the end coming (kind of obvious, since I was the one to break up with Aaron, Greg, Andrew and Charles). Had to happen sooner or later. Whatever. While it was good, it was great, right? And when it wasn't good...well, then it really sucked. So maybe I am better off. That still doesn't stop me from missing him, and wishing everything could have just worked out. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work that way.

PS: Melissa had it right; no gross outpourings of sentiment, please. However, avoid extensive ex-boyfriend-bashing, a la Heather of "he's no longer allowed to breathe the same air as me" and other comments that made me laugh even if they were kind of mean. Life goes on; I learned that four years ago when my dad died. If the pain from that didn't kill me, then nothing tommy says or does or doesn't do could possibly do any worse.

Oh yeah, and I'm single again, so....bring on the men.