Guess what I'm doing right now? C'mon guess. No, it's not anything dirty.....I'm EATING! for the first time in what feels like days, I am consuming real food, the pasta my friends were nice enough to bring me last night. No, this does not mean I'm feeling better; in fact i want to scream everytime i swallow a mouthful, but i'm just too damned hungry to care. im not going to be able to eat much, because it really does hurt like a bitch, but mmmmm sydexo pasta.

oh, and as if god didn't already hate me enough, it's now that time of the month as well. at least that explains certain cravings i've been having this past week *cough* men *cough*. at least i got some sleep last night. i remember waking up several times but that means i must have been sleeping before then! i had this really weird dream about my mom's mom dying, and my mom just sitting there with someone who i guess was a paramedic, but she was just this middle aged woman, and my mom had to tell her to rescuitate her mom or not. she didn't say anything, even though i kept looking at my grandmother, (who didnt look anything like the real marie hennessey) and telling my mom that we needed to help her. eventually my mom started to hyperventilate, and i said it was her childhood asthma coming back, and so they put HER on oxygen, but still not my grandmother. it was so odd. my mom and my grandmother (we actually called that one 'nana', not that i remember her at all) did not have a good relationship. she treated my mom like dirt. when she was dying of brain cancer, after my mom had fought her brothers to put her in a nice rest home, she preferred to believe their stories about my mom and wouldn't even say goodbye to her before she died. she said goodbye to jen instead. my mom has obviously been a little messed up by that. she's been on antidepressants since the year my nana died, 1988. argh, why i am dwelling on this depressing subject? oh yeah because my subconscious can't just BEHAVE and bring me nice dreams about hot guys, it has to always go the freaky route!