girls of home, i look forward so much to being with you! that's keeping me focused. of course there's still art history to be considered on friday, but between then and now meghan and i will once again experience the orgasmic glory of legolas and aragorn on the big screen. ohhhh yeah. and i mean OHHHHH OHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH. muahaha.
every time i think of a certain person i laugh hysterically inside my little head. a bit disdainfully, i might add. is that wrong?
then i returned to the dorm to major drama. it seems our dear little andrew spend the night in another girl's room, who just happens to be the roomie-to-be of one lauren digiov. she, of course, is royally pissed that he's taking up with her future roommate (i think this is hysterical, personally, and i'm trying to encourage her to see the humorous side of all this). no word on what andrew has to say for himself, the little fucking hypocrite. sometime if i feel like being really cruel i'll quote some of the weepy shit he wrote in that note he gave me before thanksgiving, and compare that to his behavior....who exactly is he to call me a slut? i swear to god, one more little comment out of his mouth and he'll be flat on his back on the floor. don't cross me, i'm syrian.
finally for some good news, which is my final math grade! A-, despite me failing the final, despite not paying attention to his meaningless droning and wanting to shoot myself in every class. that man is such a crazy old fucker.
the hard part is that i can't really explain it all to her, or to almost anyone else. i could talk and talk and talk and still i would feel like they wouldn't understand, couldn't understand. they didn't know him. i would have to form his entire life with my words and i don't know if i can draw that picture accurately, enough to show what kind of a man he was, his flaws and his strengths, the way he loved his family, the stresses and disappointments he faced, the way he couldn't deal with it all. i could never tell anyone all the jokes he used to make, how funny he was, how sometimes me, him and jen would just sit at the dinnertable after we'd finished and just pass the time laughing at each other. i can't explain all the rage and the anger i felt, the helplessness when he and my mom fought, how desperately i wanted things to get better. i can't show it all, and without the whole picture there's just no way to understand why i feel the way i do.
i shouldn't be angry that people assume things like this about me. i know i'm hard to read. this is one of those areas where only my friends back home really understand. i doubt in the future i'll ever be able to make other people really get it. they weren't there with me. they didn't have all those long conversations that i had with sara and rae and heather those first few years, when i was coming to terms with things, when i relied on them so much whether i knew it or not. sara perhaps most of all understands, not only because she lost her dad, but because she knew my dad, she saw a few of his angry shouting rages (remember the time with the blueberries in the den?). it makes more sense to her. she knows that i'm sorry, and i am, so very sorry, for more things than i can ever enumerate.
the irony of it is that despite all the anger and resentment that so many people around me have towards their families and their parents (rae, lauren, meredith, wendy, andrew), it's not over for them. it's OVER for me and my dad, forever. i will never have the chance to know him or to apologize, and he will never have the chance to know me, to explain himself, to make up for when he hurt me and jen and mom with the things he said or the way he acted. no matter how infinitesmally small, there is always the chance that one day lauren's mom or meredith's dad will wake up and realize all the shit they've done and seek to make amends. even if it can't be done, even if those wounds can never be completely healed, there's still a little light of hope. maybe it'll happen ten years from now, maybe on their deathbeds, maybe never. never wish that your parents would die, no matter how much you think you hate them. death creates as many problems as it solves, and it robs you of any chance at all to have things turn out differently. i might have hated my dad for years if he'd lived, but i would have someday had the opportunity to truly know him.
there are days when i would sacrifice everything to have him back, knowing the cost, knowing the freedom i would lose and the resentment that might return, just to get back that tiny spark of hope, just to be able to tell him i love him one more time. those are the days i sit at my computer, typing and crying, remembering him and then thinking of what i can't remember, what i've lost, trying to hear the sound of his voice over the clicking of keys, and failing. if you think i'm not sorry, you have no idea. for your sake i hope you never do.
i don't understand this whole stressing out thing. i would never pull an all-nighter, because that's just crazy. just study the damn stuff a day or two beforehand and don't wait till 11pm when you have a 9am, which is what i heard some girl ( a very tired girl) talking about in CNS today. plus i have my lovely playstation to help me relax, and currently mariah carey's "all i want for christmas is you". well we all know what michelle wants for christmas, but she can't quite have it. oh well.
one of wendy's gays, ryan, is so damned cute, and he knows i think so, too, thanks to wendy! sadly he's not one of the ones who likes to hook up with girls. if he were, there'd be many a cat fight about him, cause apparently he's like the coolest person ever. i don't even know him and i'd hook up with him! (luckily she didn't tell him about the time i offered to be the "dessert" if they all made him dinner. think frosting. lots of frosting.) gay men are so tempting, alas. but i'm all about the going home, seeing all my girls, having many a fabulous evening, coning many a car, driving many a tahoe (ok only one), and getting many an ass (ok maybe one or two)! it's all good.
i am so thankful that i don't need a relationship. i think if i wanted that on top of everything else going on, i'd explode!
in other news, i instructed my subconscious last night very carefully on who to put into my dreams. who do i wind up dreaming about? billy bob thornton! what the hell?
I realized tonight that reading other people's journals is like tuning into a soap opera. some of them draw me back time and time again because of the sheer fucked-upness of the authors. they're like train wrecks; i try to tear myself away but i just can't. others, like flanny's, are cool because the people who write them are my friends, and it's like having a sort of inside peek at what's happening in their lives without them having to spell everything out to everyone. then there are the ones that aren't fucked up, really, written by people i don't really know, but enjoyable all the same. an example of this would be greg's friend conor. i don't actually know him, really; i think i've met him a grand total of twice though he lives in my town and was close friends with greg. i have no idea what this kid's life is like, or what he's like, or who any of those bands he's usually talking about are, but i still click on his link from heather's site every so often and see what he's said. sometimes i read steven's site too, and stacy's, just for the hell of it, and i don't even really have mental images of those people! you never know, though: sometimes the randomest line from a stranger's journal touches me.
among all my christmas wishes for myself, i would include so many for other people. i hope that Sara gets rid of that nasty claire and finds joy in her surroundings. I hope that darts, rae and digiov find the strength to deal with their respectively troubled families, and that aj's knee gets better soon. i hope that heather finds whatever it is she's searching for, or maybe that she finds that she doesn't need to look anymore. i hope that meghan and i stay close, i hope greg finds enough sense to put himself on the path to freedom, that my sister gets into whatever school she wants and doesn't move back in my mom, and that my pets just for once learn to get along. i hope that people who are always down on the world realize that it's not so bad, and to look beyond the trite hallmark-tainted flavor of the holidays to what lies at the center: those you love and those who love you. i would wish for world peace if i didn't know that is, regrettably, forever out of our grasp; however, i will wish for a world-wide feeling of Hope. no matter what happens to you or around you, there is always hope.
i read sara's blog--that WAS long. i didn't know annie was in an improv troupe! muy interesante, this just after me and a bunch of people braved the foot of snow on saturday night to make it ALL THE WAY TO THE PEPSICO to watch the "secret" improv show. roommate loyalty is a powerful thing, i must say. i would love to see the improv troupes from other schools. they should have tournaments or something, Chocolate Cake City vs On the Spot (and Off the Wall, Wendy's troupe). besides a few off-color jokes about slavery (note: not a single african american person in the fully packed pepsico) it was hysterical. soooo many hot guys in improv but why are they all gay/attached/having sexual identity crises?
i wrote this for part of my creative mind final project, based on oh-so-lovely pictures of the beloved southwest trip, which were not the pictures i asked my mom to Fedex me, but apparently when some people hear "stack of polaroids in my room" they turn it into "four kodak envelopes in the den".
and we watched beauty and the beast and ordered chinese that took two hours to arrive and straightened daht's hair and actually had like half an hour of conversation about CARS. specifically, car troubles we've all had. think of this--four girls together in a room would usually be talking about boys, sex or something feminine, right? instead, we were talking about blown tires and broken axles and stupid michelle who drove her car in four wheel drive for like a week and almost blew her engine-- yes i admit my almost complete ignorance of anything automechanical. i know when it works and when it doesn't and when it needs gas, that's about the extent of it.
today is rae's 18th birthday! i was very confused when she told me she was at home, then i realized that coming home for the weekend made sense, there's that whole getting it on with aj thing to be had as well as presents. i even called her dorm and left a singing message, and we ALL know that it is a very rare occasion indeed when i sing (where others can hear me, anyway...at home in the shower i'm frank sinatra, baby...). christmas is almost upon us. HOW does it creep up on us like that? popham told me about a munson's factory store in bolton we simply must visit. hopefully i can get to the mall tomorrow, see about some final gifts for popham and dahts.
i was going to amuse myself by watching tremors, that movie about giant worms, but it's stupid nascar awards. bleh. i guess i'll read or do something similarly prosaic on a friday night/saturday morning!
two more weeks and the year's half over. how utterly insane. maureen, my boss up at bellarmine, told me today that i'm welcome to work there over xmas vacation. it means an hour commute each way, but it's more than i get paid at sofia's, it's easier, and they sure as hell are going to need the help. i guess i could switch cars with mom and drive the van, so that i don't burn a tank every couple of days like dad used to driving to and from niantic.
Clocks and You
I could never help but to peek
at clocks and you,
to watch the hands spin round,
to watch you fold your tight hands
in your lap like pieces of metal.
I felt myself ruled by time
and by your careful preciseness.
Your voice was like the ticking
of a clock to me.
You counted out the seconds
of my life
with such rhythm.
I look at clocks to be
reminded of you
and your intricate mechanics,
your wound-up hows and whys.
I ride the pendulum with my eyes,
the obstinate motion to and fro.
At night I dream of clocks
and you.
What I Really Meant to Tell You
I just wanted you to know
that the words that came
out of my mouth today
weren’t at all what I wanted you to hear.
In place of “Excuse me”,
I meant to tell you that your eyes
are the exact shade of blue
that El Greco used for the robe of God
In his famous Day of Judgement,
and if you heard me say
“Could you pass me a straw?”
what I actually said was that
I wish that I could sit by you
and write endless poems
about the grace of your hands.
Also, when I said “goodbye”, I meant it,
but next to that last e was a single,
silent declaration of my love,
(in case you didn’t hear).
i wish that just for once i could send messages only with my eyes.
in other news, my final project for creative mind is coming along nicely! it's a small scrapbook containing my poems along with photos that inspired them and some famous poems. naturally billy collins is in there a lot cause he's a big inspiration. katie just came in and read my "creative mind" poem and asked if i pull all those images and metaphors "out of my ass". gee, i'd never thought about writing poetry that way before!
one of the segments was about this website that does pin-up pics of punk girls, it's called the Suicide Girls. check this out but be warned, some naked females ahead. although if like me you're a girl, this is nothing you ain't seen before.
alright, so Operation...uh....Third Floor Lovin' is kind of under way, in theory....let's call it Operation Get Michelle What She Wants. wendy and i are drawing up plans, she knows his roomie lol...no i'm not a stalker, i just can't get to know the kid until i see him right?
rae has reminded me of one of the things i'm really thankful for, that being my mom and the freedom i get from the way her life is. my mom has strange hours, since she works 3-11, and since i'm usually all alone and have a car i have a crazy amount of freedom in what i do. add the fact that my mom rarely asks where i'm going, who i'm going with, or checks up on my life in general, and i have a shitload of freedom! i usually offer the information of my own accord, in case somethign should happen, but usually i can wander in and out at random hours and not be questioned. it's not that my mom doesn't love me, i know she does, and sometimes i do wish things were super normal like the flanagans or something, with my mom always asking about my life or something, but then i remember that that would probably really suck. so yeah, i guess things are the way they should be.
and i'll dream of my disney fairytales if i damn well please, thank you.
oooh and hen it goes into the beginning of my description of how i met manuel, my spanish sex god from seville. teehee. ok wow i just reread like all nine pages of that and well i sure had forgotten some things! this is awful i can't even remember anything i physically said to manuel in spanish. according to the notebook, hilary and i were doing ok, but i really can't remember telling him he was the cutest one in the room, or talking about how cigarettes are bad for you when meredith and christian went onto the roof to smoke. damn, the things you forget! it's only been like two and a half years. there's notes in here about dj, for christ's sake....ewewewew.
hahaha sara do you know what i just found? a little ditty with the line "there is no rain in winter...." LMAO! do you remember how i couldnt stop laughing over that when i first read it, and you got really mad at me because of course there were certain emotions there, and i remember thinking he was pretty dorky, and then....well....cough cough weird shit happens.
Today was fucking awesome, I must say that. I got up early to go get my girls flanny, sara and rae to visit the ever-amazing NWC, where I was just over-amped by seeing all the people, the teachers, the old classmates, the kids I was friends with who were younger than me like Lauren, mara, meg bonney, elise, etc….mr t was the first teacher we saw, we all gave him a big hug and then demanded our papers which he admitted he NEVER FUCKING GRADED! How fucking weird is that?! We graduated and that man never graded our work! That was TWO courses worth of work, supposedly, even though we all know that HILL is not hard, even though it contains the elite of the senior class. I saw juda and told her about seeing the raven performed, hunted down mr luddy and found out that he did his little water balloon attacks from the second floor of Regis, and that jogues was once called “northwest”. How freaky! He lived in northwest and now he works at northwest! We ran around and saw everyone, and met up with Meghan who I had not seen in THREE MONTHS and who STILL owes me my bday gift, beezotch! I gave her hers, which she liked, so I damn well better be getting one!
After nwc, and crazy shit like me honking madly as I drove past meg and sara simply because I wanted to get another look at sean halloran, who is still hot and I still want his ass, even tho he’s a manho and younger than me, we went to cosi’s. actually we left there and went to friendlys, where we had some fascinating discussion, the topic of which I cannot actually recall, and then we all went home….only to RETURN, sans the sara who went to the fuel concert, at 730 for the “reunion”, which was a madhouse, and I saw steve, who YES is still fucking gorgeous, was wearing the infamous black shirt, and who had a semicircle of adoring females around him hanging on his every word. Bleh. Like every guy we knew had grown facial hair. Scott lehman looks like oscar the grouch. I had a hard time keeping a straight face when I saw other people who are the exact doubles of certain people who….nevermind. we also saw pace, who has himself grown a goatee, and we agreed, me and flanny and him, that he’s going to hang out with us and we’re going to tap that. Not like I haven’t already, but hey….apparently annie is having a recurrence of feelings for him, and that’s not making him very happy *uncomfortable face* gee, I kind of know how he feels, there…yeah so after a while of just over-pumped-ness and me wanting to jump on sean and pace holding me back, damn you, biotch! We left, and I dropped rae at aj’s so she could get some, and we headed to khara’s, and pace went and jessi was there! And we went to blockbuster, where we rented road trip and were having these huge argument loudly for all to hear and WHO was there but stevie witchlak and conor!!! Holy crap. Yeeeeah. We’d just seen steve the night before, me and heather, when they “reconciled” and he basically hit on her hardcore. Obviously there’s the whole steve-khara backstory, cough cough….and the conor thing…another cough cough….yeah so we left there and went to stop and shop, bought mozzarella sticks, sighed collevtively over Johnny depp INCLUDING pace because he is BISEXUAL and loves MEN as well as WOMEN. HELLS YES! We spent a lot of road trip moaning over the hot brooding guy, paolo…..something. god he was hot. Pace has that sexual energy thing going for him, we NEED that in our group, which is fucking anemic when it comes to guys, we’ve only got deconti really and that just ain’t going to happen, PLUS he’s supercool with the “hook up and stay friends” deal, as heather put it on the way home. Sweeeeeet.
So the night improved dramatically after leaving northwest, I must say…I could unleash my craziness and talk about sex and guys and girls and booze and whatnot!! And now it is technically thanksgiving already! So here’s my list of thankfuls:
1. I am thankful for hot men. These include Pablo, Johnny Depp, broody guy from road trip, sean halloran, brian from the floor below me, john who lives on my floor, as well as jd and rob who live on my floor, steve Hansen, and whatever hotties I’m leaving out. They remind me that there are things in this world that are worth LOOKING at, dammit, even on the grayest days, and something to keep me occupied in philosophy class, at least until dahts pokes me back into attention.
2. I am thankful for family, because who isn’t. yeah, I can’t stand my sister and I would prefer if we rarely came into contact, but she’s family. I love my mom, and I’m glad our relationship has gotten better.
3. I am thankful for my FRIENDS WHO ROCK MY SOCKS. This means all of you: sara, Meghan, rae, heather, Ashley, melly, jess, jessi, Emily, khara, Lauren, Andrew, james, Meredith, Amanda, my wendy, tj, tall Lauren…and anyone I possibly forgot. Without you, the world would be dull and colorless and I would be friendless and that would really suck and I’d be sad and sit in a corner and cut myself.
4. I am thankful for Fairfield, especially campion 4, which is a wonderful place to live. I am ESPECIALLY thankful to be living with a wonderful woman named wendy scola. She is beautiful and funny and like the sister I should have had. May we have many happy years, lover!
5. I am thankful to have left high school behind. Of course I miss aspects of it, but life outside it ROCKS, and I’m glad to have left all those people and started over, honestly.
6. I am thankful for music, because it’s a big part of my life, and poetry too, because it makes me so frickin happy, to write or to read.
7. I’m thankful that I am who I am. Yeah, there’s crap I hate about myself, but you know what, on a good day I’m really hot, plus I’m smart and (I think) pretty amusing. I also think I’m pretty good at heart, I don’t skin kittens for coats or anything. Therefore I am a worthwhile human being, and I love to be me, flaws and all.
8. I’m thankful for life…you never know when it’s all going to be gone. I try always to remember that, and be thankful for what I’ve learned. As always, I’m thankful for the short amount of time my dad and I had together, and all the things that his life and his death opened my eyes and mind to. You changed me forever, dad, and I hope that you’re proud of me.
This concludes michelle’s thankful list. Side note: I have decided that what I want for Christmas is a date with brian from the third floor, the really cute one who was talking to me in the beginning of the year and I think I accidentally brushed him off in canisius. I talked to chris, he lives near him and says he’s a good guy….then he told me some gross story about him not being able to pee. Yeah, chris needs to learn what information gathering is all about. He’s in nicole’s English class, and she reports him to be a nice person. So, michelle is all about the scoring a date with this youngsta by January 19th. To hell with these weird non-dates with people who act funny and make me act funny and be not myself and be unreadable!! It’s been entertaining, but I sense that that could end up being kind of an uncomfortable situation. I want someone with no history with me or my friends and no complications, who DOESN’T live on my floor, who’s hot and who wants me. Him being smart and funny would be major plusses. Oh and I want it in less than one month. Is that too much to ask, really? Basically I’m going to start hanging out with mike and chris on the third floor a lot from now on…and I think I’m going to become very attached to RA rob down there. Mmhmm. If I can get a date with him, or even I will leave for the semester a happy woman. If not, I’m coming home and we’re having that giant party and that kissing contest and I’m going to get some with whoever happens to be around! It doesn’t even necessarily have to be a date. I just want to get to know him, see if anything could happen down that route, NOT a boyfriend because Christ we know I don’t want that, egads, but he’s so HOT. Dammmmmmnnnnnnnn.
Yeah I need to go to bed. Happy thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!
Today was thanksgiving….yeah I looked good. Best hair day I’ve had in so long. We had dinner at my aunt’s absolutely gorgeous house, which is huge and old and lavishly decorated. Her bathroom was so fricking cool, all red and black with this antiqued faucet. But yeah, I ended up mixing 80 proof vodka into my sprite because my mom said it was ok if I had something, but I think she thought I was going for wine. I tried that, I gagged so badly. It was AWFUL. I mean, vodka ain’t pretty, but you mix it with things until you can’t taste it anymore, then you get really mellow and trip over your heels and fall into walls like me. It didn’t last very long, but it was better than sitting around wanting to die like I usually do!
Upon consideration, another reason I like being home is because I don’t feel like a slut here. Not that my FU friends are like the Spanish inquisition trying to burn me at the stake, but the simple fact is that aside from wendy, I’m basically the ho in the group! Alas! I love my FU girls, but it's definitely nice to have people around who've gone farther than me because then i can ridicule them for their ho-ishness teeheehee.
so i'm just going to summarize here....four hours in a car, good food, can't stand my sister, got tipsy at my aunt's house mixing vodka into my sprite lol and fell smack into a wall, i've decided when i get back to school im going after third floor brian and he SHALL BE MINE in less than one month. yeehaw.
alrighty now it's 2:20 am, and i spent like the past two or three hours trading barbs with andrew, sean, tj, matt and dahts. it was a good night. my nine-thirty was canceled, otherwise i'd have hit the sack a while ago. oh, the hottie down the hall is named john :-)
somehow, some way, i WILL get to know that kid from downstairs, dammit!
so i recovered wonderfully from being so rudely awakened this morning. i think i had a dream about the end of the world last night, probably because of wendy filling my mind with crazy talk at 3 in the morning. i don't remember what i did most of the day....hold on....well, i went shopping online, something i never really do, and bought a shitload of gifts for people. i now have completed my shopping for sara, heather, rae, andrew, lauren, and wendy, and i need one more thing for dahts. the rest will come in time. i'm so damned proud of myself for getting a jump start on things. then again, i've never had so many fucking people to buy for!
i took more tests tonight online, cause wendy wanted me too....let's see, i'm 37 percent gay (the same as the world average, but more than the female average of 33 percent)....i'm 73 percent pure, which is mildly disturbing (lauren and i forced popham to take it, sure enough she was 93 percent white as snow!)...i will apparently first have sex at age 21 and will have sex with four people in my life, only three of whom will i love. that one DEFINITELY sounds wrong. number one, no way in hell am i waiting *counts mentally* three fucking years to have sex. noooooooo. number two, no way am i only having sex with four people! variety is the spice of life! being in love with three people doesn't sound so bad, though. let's hope i keep one of them...oh and im 21 percent bitch. yeah, go me.
sometimes when jen and i are apart we act civilly toward each other. other times she's just a bitch, like today, when she persisted in being obnoxious whenever i called, refusing to let me talk to mom unless i told her what i was going to say, staying on the phone and making stupid blowing noises, and generally being the immature asshole that i know and am forced to love. she wonders why the fuck i don't like her. here's a typical dimarzo family phone conversation:
Me: Hi, Jen.
Jen: What do you want, Bob?
Me: Put mom on the phone.
Jen: What do you want to tell her, Bob? Tell me or I won't get her.
Me: Just put mom on the phone.
Jen: Not till you tell me, Bob....
Me: *angry voice* put mom on the fucking phone, would you?
Jen: *yells for mom*
Mom: Hello.
Jen: *breathes noisily into phone receiver*
Me: get her off the damned phone!
Mom: Jennifer, get off the phone and let your sister talk.
Jen: *makes weird raspberry sound and hangs up loudly*
Me: she is such an asshole!
Mom: what else is new?
you might think i'm kidding, but that happened not once today, but twice. must i mention that big sis is 21, completely of age, and yet she acts like a twelve year old moron? then she claims to anyone who'll listen that i'm a stuck up spoiled little bitch who thinks i'm better than i'm her. well, if better means better looking, smarter, with manners and social skills, GEE i wonder why i might possibly seem like i think that? ah, the familiar taste of bitterness. must be the holidays.
anyway so we all stood outside and froze for ten minutes till the cops turned it off for us. most people on our floor who were around had already been asleep or just gone to bed. poor meredith, she went to bed at midnight because she was so tired from her trip. i would have assumed people would sleep late today to compensate, but apparently not.
as for what wendy and i were talking about, well, i love my roommate. we start off talking about sex and masturbation and we wind up discussing how she thinks the world is going to end in either ours or our childrens' generation. that's the greatness of this relationship!!
wendy's been having a bad day, and i wish i could make it all better, but i can't. it's partly pms and partly doubts about her place here and among the kids she considers friends. i can't imagine anyone not seeing how special she is, how funny, how genuinely friendly. who wouldn't want a person like that around them?
andrew bought me a little christmas penguin. he's so soft, and cute....i put him on my bookshelf with the other christmas penguin sara gave me last year and the ceramic figurine of a penguin in a tux that i love so much. stupid andrew, had to spot what i was getting him for xmas in kb toys! argh. now i have to decide if i give that to someone else or still give it to him, because he said he still wanted it. so many people to buy for, so it's time to get creative. i got creative for rae, thus far, and i've got an idea for heather, but i need more...
last night could have gone better, i guess. i don't even know what i'm doing anymore, or what i want. it's like, i want something that i know that i shouldn't, and i have good reasons, but then i get caught up and i almost forget what those reason are. that's not good. i need a vacation....i need this vacation, and you know what? i need to go on a date where i don't get lost, where i don't kind of feel like an idiot, where the person i'm with seems like he might just be able to read me, even a tiny bit. i hate feeling like i'm this big mystery, that i'm so frustrating. don't get me wrong, i had fun, but...what? i guess i'm just weird. sigh.
time for spanish class, the last real class of the semester. it's too bad, i like senora knight. when i first got into the class, i thought i'd never make it because everything was in spanish, everyone seemed to be better than i was. i seriously almost dropped it. i'm glad i didn't, because honestly it's been pretty easy. time to go!
It seems that English class
is a very positive place
to begin a poem.
It must be due to that tender joy
which comes to me when i am
surrounded by language.
I would wrap myself in it,
if i could,
and mummify myself till only
my eyes showed.
It is as though
I am six years old again,
rooting through some chest
in the attic,
combining faded, magical garments
into a fanciful mismatch.
In them, I am an actress,
a famous model,
a small queen laying plans for war.
Just so,
in poetry I am transformed:
I am a mother, a mountain,
a young black child playing
in a burned-out room.
ok, ok, time to study...i swear....argh, if only dahts were here!
coolest person of the day: meghan, because she has a date tomorrow night with a sexy youngsta named dwayne. yay for first dates! just remember to keep your pants on and all shall be well :-)
How spiffing! You're Alexander the Great!
Yeah, baby. You were the King of Macedonia, and conqueror of much of the world; you're responsible for the spread of Christianity, as well as Hellenistic society and even the Roman Empire. Your power was feared for thousands of miles around.
And how gay were you. When you'd conquered Persia, you fell in love with a male courtier from that court - scandalous in those days, because the Persians were believed to be uncivilised barbarians.
You were always really in love with your boyhood friend, Hephaestion, and when he died you were grief-stricken to a legendary degree: convinced that he would live on after death, you passed away soon afterwards.
Take that, Heather AKA Eleanor Roosevelt! You may have inspired a nation, but I conquered the entire fucking known world! Minus India, but who really likes their food anyway?
also, i am NOT a goth person who is "in the closet" and afraid to admit she's goth. yes, i like dark colors, i have a lot of things that are black or dark blue, i like borrowing wendy's spike necklace and wearing eyeliner, but i'm not a goth! i don't have the energy to pursue that kind of lifestyle! grrr.
also, i'm wondering if boys taste alike. kissing, i mean. last night i noticed i distinct similarities, it was weird, i had to open my eyes and reassure myself it wasn't someone else. but it was only two guys. i kind of wish i could remember what manuel tasted like. i think that'll go down as one of my favorite sexual encounters of all time, even though it was my first and most awkward. spanish men rock my socks! one day i WILL have sex with a spaniard!!
so if you read below, you'll realize i have taken entirely too many online quizzes this past week. so i'm swearing off of them the way flanny has sworn off men, again. there's also the fact that i ran out of the interesting ones to take, but neveryoumind...i forgot to make a wish at 11:11. where will i be tomorrow morning at that time? ah, philosophy. how could i forget. tomorrow night, probably here. maybe i'll wish that i won't die saturday morning during my three hours in the freezing cold directing cars for admissions! fuck why did i agree to that?
time to write!
alright, alright, so i really really wanted this one so i went and clicked on every answer with "rum" in it. so what. it's sweeeeeet.
yeah now i'm FUCKING EXCITED because this friday, in the campion 4 lounge, there will be PIRATES!!!! and i don't just mean me in a costume, or that other lame kid who thought "hmm, let me try to be all slick and just wear my jeans and stick a parrot on my shoulder, aren't i hot?". no, in fact a bootleg copy of pirates of the caribbean is finding its way into my little hands, and it is being projected on a nice pretty wall in the lounge. WHOOT! i asked around and a surprising number of people want to see it! yay! and, the most shocking of all, my VERY OWN ROOMMATE, my formerly-beloved wendy, HAS NOT SEEN THE BLESSED FILM. holy shit. i thought i would faint. that will be fixed after friday, and i will never have to yearn for johnny again in the middle of the night. not that i actually do now...but theoretically, i yearn.
yes, i am feeling much better, if anyone couldn't tell.
lazarus kitty: make me a sammich, woman!
aluckysparkle: make it yoself, beeyatch!
lazarus kitty: hahaha
lazarus kitty: you best not be back talkin, girl!
aluckysparkle: don't you sass me!
lazarus kitty: *smack*
lazarus kitty: take it like a slut!
aluckysparkle: you take it, bitch ass!
i was fine with being pikachu till they said i was shy and a loser and a wimp! assholes.
I bet they do this one entirely off the hair style.
the ones i did yesterday were a little more on target....me, a hopeless romantic? ok daydreamer yes, dahts can attest to that...so many times in long's class she has to poke me back into paying attention. interestingly enough, i took this test once before, and that time i was apathy! quite the switch.
I actually don't know if I believe in soulmates. Is there really only one person in this entire world that fits me perfectly? what if they die, will i just never find that again? that sucks. yeah and i HAVE found my life partner--5'11", blonde, cute as hell, gorgeous voice, goes by the name of Wendy Scola....
Ummm....ok....I always loved the singing mice in that movie!
oh, and as if god didn't already hate me enough, it's now that time of the month as well. at least that explains certain cravings i've been having this past week *cough* men *cough*. at least i got some sleep last night. i remember waking up several times but that means i must have been sleeping before then! i had this really weird dream about my mom's mom dying, and my mom just sitting there with someone who i guess was a paramedic, but she was just this middle aged woman, and my mom had to tell her to rescuitate her mom or not. she didn't say anything, even though i kept looking at my grandmother, (who didnt look anything like the real marie hennessey) and telling my mom that we needed to help her. eventually my mom started to hyperventilate, and i said it was her childhood asthma coming back, and so they put HER on oxygen, but still not my grandmother. it was so odd. my mom and my grandmother (we actually called that one 'nana', not that i remember her at all) did not have a good relationship. she treated my mom like dirt. when she was dying of brain cancer, after my mom had fought her brothers to put her in a nice rest home, she preferred to believe their stories about my mom and wouldn't even say goodbye to her before she died. she said goodbye to jen instead. my mom has obviously been a little messed up by that. she's been on antidepressants since the year my nana died, 1988. argh, why i am dwelling on this depressing subject? oh yeah because my subconscious can't just BEHAVE and bring me nice dreams about hot guys, it has to always go the freaky route!
me? not tak a lot? damn is that thing wrong!
can anyone tell i have nothing to do?
Yeah, Humphrey Bogart! What an unsexy name for such a deliciously handsome individual. At least in his younger years; let's not think about "the african queen", where both he and katherine hepburn were all old and wrinkled. That's like the true love of my life, Cary Grant, who was so damned hot in the 1930s and 1940s, but as time passed he got gray hair and wrinkles and i just couldn't look at him the same! compare "the philadelphia story" or "arsenic and old lace" to "north by northwest" and "charade" and you'll see what i mean. there are always exceptions to this old-man thing, though--for instance, i will always love sean connery, even when he's 90 and has alzheimers and wears a diaper, because he's fucking sean connery! anal bumcover!
mmmm....i'm not really sure how true that is....i definitely don't prefer to be the dominant one in that respect!
rae informed me that she wants to be included on the quagmire, even if she doesnt live in west hartford. honestly, the impermeable triangle should include her as well, cause she's another one i could never ever kiss. but then sara said she would kiss rae, so technically she couldnt be in it, and there's another friend who wasn't in the triangle because she already did kiss sara, even though i could never kiss her either. so basically it was a triangle because all three of us will never kiss each other, plus we were the ones present in joe's dorm when we made it. also rae would have only one line, to aj, who would have no lines to anyone else. rae said she'd make out with some other people to fit in lol. last night heather and i were envisioning what the quagmire will look like in a year or even a few months, if we keep it going. it'll keep going. after all, i still haven't kissed khara and emily and i'm sure that i will eventually! damn i need to add more guys to mine. if andrew and manuel were on there it would look more respectable, but andrew lives in miami and manuel's from frickin six thousand miles away in seville *yeah foreign hookups*. wendy wants one of those dont you wendy? only yours is just a foreigner who goes to this school and for whom your pants are blazin.
THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH
stands so close
I can feel his breath on my neck
and smell the way he would smell
if we slept together
because he is THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH
and that is his primary function of life
to be A STUPID JERK I CAN OBSESS OVER
and to talk to that dingy bimbette blonde
as if he really wanted to hear about her
manicures and pedicures and New Age Ritualistic Enema Cures
and, truth be told, be probably does want to hear about it
because he is THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH
and he does anything he can to lend fuel to my fire
he makes a point
of stranding, looking over my shoulder
when I'm talking to the guy who adores me
and would bark like a dog and wave to strangers
if I asked him to bark like a dog and wave to strangers
but I can't ask the guy to bark like a dog or impersonate
and kind of animal at all
cause I'm too busy
looking at the way
THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH
has pants on
that perfectly define his well-shaped ass
to the point where I'm thoroughly frantic,
I'm just gonna go home
stick my head in the over
overdose on nutmeg and aspirin or sit in the bathtub
reading The Executioner's Song
and being completely confounded by the fact that I can see
THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH'S face
defining itself in the peeling plaster of the wall
grinning
and winking
and I start yelling: "Hey, get the hell out of there, you're just a figment of
my overripe imagination, get a life and get out of my plaster and pass me
the next painful situation please."
But he just keeps on
grinning
and winking
he's THE STUPID JERK I'M OBSESSED WITH
and he's mine
in my plaster
and frankly,
I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
~maggie estep
three cheers for being proud of showing off the any quagmire, and hiding it from my mom in the car...and seeing nicole krupa's face when she saw how many girls i was connected to. im fairly certain she doesnt think im a lesbian or bisexual or anything lol.if she does, well, too bad.
coolest person of the day: Amanda, aka Popham aka Apop. I am a proud member of the Apoppreciate Society!! She loves all things pink. She is Mother Popham to Lauren, keeping her healthy and forcing her to apologize when she does wrong. she is our counterpoint to the satanic force that is andrew. she is from SOMERS, yeah maximum security prison, yeah only have minorities behind bars! yeah sex offenders!! amanda popham you rock!
yeah, Providence College!! hot men, what, what? sara's friend pat is muy delicioso. he is an irish readhead. in the words of lauren, "grah!" *tiger movement* there were also some other attractive men, but nothing happened fopr any of us, though heather was the only one really going for it i guess. she had three shots and was greeting every male who walked by as "hello, heterosexual!" and then complaning really loudly to her boo steven on the phone that straight men never make any fucking moves. there was some fun times last night lol. sara and i did not imbibe, we merely observed. this big tall drunk kid from yale was talking to us in the hallway, and he was like "ladies! lovely ladies!" and "when i look at you, all i see is beauteeee!" holding up his hands like a picture frame.
we also hung out with khara at the providence mall, which is fucking huge, and it took us half an hour to get out of the ten story parking lot while looking at khara's playing cards with pornographic pictures on them from ancient greek art. men with tails and giant penises! deconti came to pick her up to check out the eclipse. i bought popham her birthday gift, i bought some stuff at this cool thrift store named savers, and sara and i bought pajama pants at old navy!! whoot!!
but on to the best story of the trip--
wendy (to me): "can we procreate?"
so i pretty much know that i can complain about greg on here without worrying about him reading it. and if he did, well , it would probably be one of the first times in our relationship that i would be telling him something outright instead of relying on his intuitiveness. we all know men sorely lack intuition. he really pissed me off last night. when he told me like two months ago that apc was coming to the oakdale, i said i wanted to go. ergo, with him. this was after we'd broken up, so it's not like there was any date factor about it. then last night he tells me he already got tickets, with steve eberle, and points out they're in the front of the section where heather and i are in the back (i bought tix last night). i was like, "bitch!" he never even mentioned it to me. real sweet. there's been other pissy behavior of his lately, but i don't really have to deal with him so i don't care. he wants to believe he's this wise man, go right ahead. i'm going to be a bitch for a minute, though, blame it on pms, i dont care. this is something he posted a while back: "this has raised my desire to move on from community college to a school where people are on a more equal thinking level. this school does not have any intellectual stimulation. i struggle through it because i'm bored and unchallenged. the topics are mundane and often fit for high school students. " *cough cough*. when he says things like that, i have a desire to point out to him that the reason he's at mcc is because he did poorly in high school, when the topics were "fit" for his level. it's not that he's stupid, because i know he isn't; it's because he's lazy and didn't do anything. you want to talk about chi? fine. how about karma? the concept of your actions having positive or negative consequences on your future? you do jack shit in high school, you wind up where you wind up. you do jack shit in community college and you're not going to go anywhere. maybe they're not the best teachers, maybe the other kids are morons, but suck it up. complaining about it will not get you out of your situation. only doing your work and focusing on graduating will do that.
there, i'm done being a bitch. and greg, if you ever do read this, i'm sorry but that's the way i see it. and i'm NOT sorry about being pissed about apc, because even if we didnt have specific plans it would have been nice to even remind me to get my own tickets!
ndrew just told me im funny when i'm grumpy. grrrrrrr.
Two of the girls who work here with me and are roommates were just having this big fight over the placement of their tv. listening to them, i thought they were joking, because please who gets all mad over who's using who's extension cord? but no, they were really pissed. that's the first roommate fight i've witnessed thus far.
cool person of the day: Flanny! because she's coming to visit me tomorrow, and we're going on a cool frickin roadtrip this weekend to see sara. plus she's my ghetto fabulous hetero lifemate, and i love her!!
I've decided that there will a Co-Cool Person of the Day, because i just remembered that this person rocks too....and that person is Melissa!! because i read what she wrote on her new site and it was really touching, about how thankful she was for her friends and family. rock on, my kitten-raising friend!
Yes, it's true. And not school-books, either; thus far i have completed two entirely unrelated books and am working on a third. they are:
Stupid White Men, by Michael Moore: I borrowed this from Andrew one night when I couldn't sleep and had nothing to do. He made a lot of good points about the crappiness of the Bush administration, but a lot of things about the book grated on my nerves. first of all he seemed way too hung up on the past election. i know the book came out more than a year ago, but still. also, he seemed a little too hung up on michael moore, the greatness of michael moore, the courage of michael moore in the face of adversity. i know it must be hard to write about yourself without waxing poetic, but he tries to make it all sound completely congruous.
The Rival Queens, one of the books i picked up at the real library. i read it last night; it was a historical mystery and one of those books i couldn't put down even at one am because i so desperately wanted to know who the killer was. it as set in england in 1700. the heroines are a down-on-her-luck countess, Lady Ashby de la Zouche, and her feisty maid Alpiew. They make money by writing for a scandal sheet, and wind up investigating a murder involving members of a popular London playhouse. There were a lot of twists and turns, and the Countess, who's kind of an old woman, is an amusing heroine, as is Alpiew. there's a lot more raunchiness in it than i was expecting, like a nighttime visit to a sex shop and the discussion of how to use a dildo, as well as homosexuality and STDs and men living with their dead stuffed wives. cough. i found it all fascinating.
The Monk Downstairs is what i'm reading right now. i had my my eye on it back in windsor but i never got around to it. it's about a single mother who rents her downstairs room to a man who's just left a monastery after twenty years. i think it will eventually be about their relationship, but right now she's just worried about getting through day to day, and settling for the small things in life rather than hoping for some grandiose future. it's kind of sad, contemplating the thought that some people just give up hope that things will ever be any easier. they just toil on, and on, and then they die.
the other book i took out is cat's cradle, by kurt vonnegut. his catch-22 is sitting on my bookshelf, after i only read the first few chapters. i also read slaughterhouse, of which i only remember that the first sentence says "the first words of this books will be (i forgot) and the last will be: "pootie weet". and indeed the final words were pootie weet. i also rememeber that he ended a lot of paragraphs with 'so it goes". i think the story was about a man traumatized by war, and his family just thinks he's crazy.
anyway, i find such joy in reading books. i can't believe i went almost two months without one! if anyone has some good reading suggestions, do pass them along. choosing books is a hazardous and time-consuming occupation.
oh, and since everyone else is doing a person-of-the-day, and since i am a complete sheep (baaaaa), my first cool person of the day is: wendy!! why? because we read the giant message board that had all these tips for getting along with your roommate, like not eating their food, using your headphones if they're doing work, not letting other people sit on their bed, etc, and realized that we never follow ANY of those rules. here's to living with one of my closest friends!!! :-)
alas, there is an art history paper to finish on one of the Lions of Babylon, and a spanish test tomorrow, and the philosophy of some early christians which i have not yet read. avaunt, demons!
